Lacedaemonian - Crimson Fields childhood piece

[Lacedaemonian]

Just had to step backward with this piece, realising that Crimson does not feature enough to become a central character later. Just had to add some dialogue here and there to resolve this.

Hope it does not disappoint....


Snowflakes danced, fluttering their little white feet into the deathly crackle of the camp fire. Crimson sat eyes wide in his ash smudged faced, poking a stick amongst the embers and logs. ‘Emerald, what do we do when this all over?’
‘Ah sweet little brother, this will only be over when our enemies are all dead. And little Crimson our enemies are so numerous that we would have to kill a hundred thousand men each and even then….’
‘A hundred thousand is a lot Emerald.’
‘It is little brother.’
‘Then I shall have to kill twice that number Emerald.’
‘Why so?’
‘So you don’t have to.’
‘That will be a terrible burden on my soul.’
‘Do you think so? I do not really mind Emerald.’
‘Crimson when the day comes that you decide you have had enough of it all, you ride for the mountains brother. ‘
‘I will Emerald.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promises you.’
‘Good lad. Now never forget that promise.’
‘Emerald?’
‘What?’
‘Are you my father now?’
Emerald kicked snow across Crimson’s back. ‘*******.’ He made his way across to Danae who was chuckling to himself whilst feeding grain to his horse.
‘You heard?’
‘Aye.’
‘Well he can take the piss all he wants. I am his father now whether he likes it or not.’
‘He could do a whole lot worse.’
‘Aye and a whole lot better.’
‘Aye true enough. Do you believe what you said about him riding for the mountains? Do you think you or I will ever get that chance?’
‘Me and you friend Danae are in it until the end.’
‘Ours or theirs?’
‘Probably both.’
‘I know you think we are all wrapped up in destiny and that fate drives us on but Emerald you know this is not true. This is our life and what happens with it is driven through the choices that we make.’
‘I know Danae but it makes the choices easier to make if we pretend that destiny denies us the easier roads.’
‘Then you have decided too. It is the long hard road from this point forth?’
‘Aye I have decided. And I pray that destiny guide us sure and true.’
‘The days of childrenhood are behind us, we must decide how best to deal with the threat to our lands.’
‘Then you must follow in the steps of your brother and go south.’
‘Become a constable? An agent of our enemy?’
‘Aye become a constable. And who is to say who our enemy is?’
‘The Duke is the Emperor’s man is he not?’
‘Alas good friend Danae, I do not think that the Emperor is our enemy.’
‘So I must go south and learn the art of martial.’
‘And learn something of the nature of our enemy.’
‘The clans will think me a traitor, a gods damned sell sword.’
‘Aye they will and I shall make sure they think so.’
‘I see something of what you think Emerald. I canst lie, it frightens me that you think so far ahead in time so clearly and so precise.’
‘When that future becomes present, we shall see how clear my eye has been.’
‘Am I not to lead the clans?’
‘They would not follow you Danae.’
‘Then what can I do?’
‘You will be the standard of the north, your actions will be the catalyst that wakes the clans from their sleep.’
‘So I am to be a martyr for a people who reject me?’
‘Nay Danae, you will be the hero of this tale. A gods damned living legend.’
‘Then we each and every one of us is gods damned F**ked.’
‘That we are friend.’

 

[Culhwch]

Certainly an intriguing piece. I think it neds more attribution. I tended to lose track of who was speaking until a name cropped up. I think some well thought out action and direction could serve to slow down the pace of the segment and make it more evocative, and give it more feeling.

The other thing that struck me was the extrememly spare use of commas. You're the opposite of me - I use far too many. But a comma here and there would pace the dialogue better:

‘Well he can take the piss all he wants. I am his father now, whether he likes it or not.’
‘He could do a whole lot worse.’
‘Aye, and a whole lot better.’
‘Aye, true enough. Do you believe what you said about him riding for the mountains? Do you think you or I will ever get that chance?’
‘Me and you, friend Danae, are in it until the end.’
‘Ours or theirs?’
‘Probably both.’
‘I know you think we are all wrapped up in destiny and that fate drives us on but, Emerald, you know this is not true. This is our life and what happens with it is driven through the choices that we make.’
‘I know, Danae, but it makes the choices easier to make if we pretend that destiny denies us the easier roads.’
‘Then you have decided, too. It is the long hard road from this point forth?’
‘Aye, I have decided. And I pray that destiny guide us sure and true.’

Could be too many in there, but hopefully you get the point I'm trying to make.

My final suggestion would be to cut the dialogue back a little, make it less wordy:

‘Emerald, what do we do when this all over?’
‘Brother, this will only be over when our enemies are all dead. And our enemies are so numerous that we'd need kill a hundred thousand men each. Even then….’

I think this would lend the dialogue a harsher edge that sits better with the tone of the piece.

Anyways, only my opinions. Salvage from them what you will...

 

[dustinzgirl]

I am certainly not a good editor advice giver, so Ill do what I usually do and go with my gut...

I like it. There is an underlying rhthym, it reads like a poem, it has a good beat and is...i don't want to say whimsical, but it has this kind of like....oh heck I don't know what I am trying to say. But I like it.

 

[Green]

This stuff flows very well and I think you've done an excellent job. Unlike that other piece, this one works well with the small amount of attribution that you have used, though I don't know whether it's because the scene doesn't need it, or if it's just cos I'm in a different mood.

Generally, I got an excellent picture of the scene in my head, and the to-and-fro between the different characters works very well. It's good to get a glimpse of Danae's past and what it means to be a constable. I did not realise previously that Danae was a turn-coat (or pretend turn-coat, anyway). I don't know if that's because you haven't mentioned it until now, though. If so, well done - it's a good bit of infodumping

I think there are only minor problems, and mostly those are grammatical (you miss a lot of commas, e.g. in "Crimson sat eyes wide in his ash smudged faced, poking a stick amongst the embers and logs." This needs a comma after the "sat," I think - also you need them before a person is named, e.g. "'A hundred thousand is a lot Emerald.'" needs a comma before the "Emerald").

A couple of minor points I had a bit of an issue with were:

Are you my father now?’
Emerald kicked snow across Crimson’s back. ‘*******.’ He made his way across to Danae who was chuckling to himself whilst feeding grain to his horse.
‘You heard?’
‘Aye.’
‘Well he can take the piss all he wants. I am his father now whether he likes it or not.’

I did not get the joke until I got to the end of this bit. It didn't seem to sit quite right that he was taking the piss.

‘I know you think we are all wrapped up in destiny and that fate drives us on but Emerald you know this is not true.

This sentence seems a bit too contradictory. I know what you're saying with it, but it reads like: "You think something is true, but you know it is not true." If he knows it's not true, surely he can't think it is true at the same time? This is just semantics, nothing major.

Overall, this is really good, once again. I would like to start reading consecutive sections instead of isolated parts, and starting from the beginning. Any chance of that?

EDIT - oops, forgot to say... I was not too keen on "the art of martial." Doesn't seem to fit right. Isn't martial an adjective? It's like saying, "the table of wooden," I think. Or something.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Thank you for reading my extract people. And a bigger thank you to those who have posted comments. It is always helpful to get other people's perspectives on my work.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Personally lace, your story is one that I love to read. I've never read anything without the quote tag things, so I just love this. Can't wait for more.

 

[Keri]

Snowflakes danced, fluttering their little white feet into the deathly crackle of the camp fire. Crimson sat eyes wide in his ash smudged faced, poking a stick amongst the embers and logs. ‘Emerald, what do we do when this all over?

Cute imagery. I'm female so i don't mind but this opening paragraph has beaucoup feminine vibe. Doesn't seem to go with the tough image these two have. I think it's your repetitive use of the word "little".
’

‘Ah sweet little brother, this will only be over when our enemies are all dead. And little Crimson our enemies are so numerous that we would have to kill a hundred thousand men each and even then….’

I really thought Emerald was female here. It is simply the language you are using and how you are presenting it and a combination of I see Emerald as a feminine name though it could be used for both. "sweet little brother" I can maybe see a guy saying that if they were giving someone some serious static and used in a sarcastic way. Guys usually don't speak in that manner and I dont feel it fits with the character picture/image I have so far.

‘A hundred thousand is a lot Emerald.’
‘It is little brother.’

Crimson isn't a parrot and I'd clean the text up here and not have him repeat Emerald but just respond more naturally: Woah that is alot. Or some colorful slang that is a lot.

‘Then I shall have to kill twice that number Emerald.’
‘Why so?’

I'd simplify the response here again you are sounding a little puffed up. Is he modest when he's stating this or bragging? Also it wouldnt hurt to throw in a few indicators of who is talking where. It does get confusing at times later on.

‘So you don’t have to.’
‘That will be a terrible burden on my soul.’

Again not a natural response. If you really like this line though add some actions like Emerald looks down at his brother sadly stating:

‘Do you think so? I do not really mind Emerald.’

Obviously new to war and really need to clean up this text. "don't really mind"
I'm always tempted to rewrite stuff when I critique but was told it was a big no no so i'm trying to deny the urge. You really have to think though is this keeping in character for Crimson is he an innocent bragging about what he'll do for his brother or what is the motives behind what he is saying and read it aloud and think does this sound natural is it in keeping with the character?

‘Crimson when the day comes that you decide you have had enough of it all, you ride for the mountains brother. ‘
‘I will Emerald.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promises you.’

promise not promises

‘Good lad. Now never forget that promise.’
‘Emerald?

’

Omit promise we're smart readers if you simply say Good lad don't forget we'll know what you are talking about.
The whole "Emerald What?" entirely unnecessary.

Crimson throws a rock at Emerald "Stop treating me like a little boy, you are not my father"

Oups see you made me do it I couldnt restrain my rewriting urge.

‘What?’
‘Are you my father now?’
Emerald kicked snow across Crimson’s back. ‘*******.’ He made his way across to Danae who was chuckling to himself whilst feeding grain to his horse.

Need to have more of a break here or more intro into Danae for me. Or simply start a new paragraph with Danae chuckling the whole snow piss thing I still didnt get as a joke though someone else stated they saw it.
You just threw everything all amix by throwing in third person.

‘You heard?’
‘Aye.’
‘Well he can take the piss all he wants. I am his father now whether he likes it or not.’

Don't state your his father now it seems unnatural perhaps something like: I'm all the family he has and if I seem to parent him its for his own good ungrateful whelp.

‘He could do a whole lot worse.’
‘Aye and a whole lot better.’
‘Aye true enough. Do you believe what you said about him riding for the mountains? Do you think you or I will ever get that chance?’
‘Me and you friend Danae are in it until the end.’

Dialogue is too forced here. I'd rearrange it a little so it flows better.
‘

Ours or theirs?’

Who is theirs. You need to slow down this dialogue a little by a few character actions in between and letting us know who "they" are would be great.

Example: Ours or those Stinking Hyudi.
I personally would want to know who the stinking Hyudi are. Generate a little intrigue in your dialogue. All the rest of my comments run along the same line. Clean up the dialogue a little and make it clear whom is speaking and this is an interesting start.

 

[Oxman]

I think this is a decent piece. The dialogue works well and fits the characters, helping to set the scene nicely.
Any niggles I have are pretty minor and the majority have been picked up, especially by Keri.
A good start. I'd definately read more.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Crimson is 9 years old at this point. Yes, he is bragging. But he fulfills this brag and then some later. He is not a main character but he is a prolific killer and paramount warrior in my tale.


Emerald is very feminine. He is a poet, a bard, a trickster, a genius... but in relation to my story he is simply light relief. Most of what he says is purely an act, an over dramatisation. He and Danae are about 16 at this point in my story. Emerald may not kill a soul in my story, so he is not a warrior really. He affects most of his speech and refers Crimson almost soley as 'little brother' - even when he is a man. He has nicknames for most people. He is basically a twat.

This is my 12th or 13th post, perhaps some of my other posts clear matters up. Perhaps not. I would never intend to reveal anything in an extract. The most successful stories are heavily layered with revelation.