Angels, Demons and man

[hellborn]

I Know that there isnt much but i would quiet like to know what people think of this as an idea.

The ragged figures peered out from under the broken bricks and rubble of the building, they could see others doing the same not far away. They looked out across the devastation of the last great human city and sighed, they knew this was going to happen eventually nowhere was to spared in a war like this. They grabbed a shovel each and wearily began to dig a pit alongside many others. After the pit was finished, they turned and began to heave the bodies of the dead that littered the muddy earth into it. Some of the bodies were human, somewhere great beasts shaped like dogs or wolfs but much bigger and seemingly made of living shadow, and yet others were creatures of pure light wearing armour such as you might see in a museum, a breastplate of pure white and the same with rest as well as the great long sword also of pure white.
Once all the bodies were in the pit, you might have expected that people would say a few prayers but they knew far better than that and slunk away a fetch primitive bows for hunting and firewood for when night came. .

 

[8017949444]

wow. that was depressing.

it was descriptive, but at times unclear. try making a bigger point of describing the beasts made of shadow, maybe to the point of writing a whole new paragraph. its easier to write more than you need (and drop a lot later) than to beef up what you have.

 

[littlemissattitude]

Interesting. There is a vast repository of apocalyptic literature, and this sounds very much like it would fit into that category. As I began to read, I expected to dismiss the idea as something that has been done before. But...that last sentence grabbed me. "...you might have expected that people would say a few prayers but they knew far better than that..." makes the whole idea for me, makes me think that you could make something out of the ordinary using this idea as a starting point.

 

[cornelius]

it has potential, and it has loads of it!
some of the sentences don't make much sense to me, but hey, english isn't my mother tongue...

 

[hedgeknight]

I think you have an interesting set up - you just need to fine tune it a bit. Have someone read your type back to you just as it is written and you will be able to see some of the errors - for example, where a comma may need to be a semi-colon or a period. Or where you might need to rearrange words to make them clearer - things like that.
Keep writing! Every little bit hones your skills.
Peace!
-g-

 

[hedgeknight]

Here's an example of how an editor might critique and correct this piece:

The ragged figures peered from the ruins of the building; they could see others doing the same across the rubble-strewn street. Even though they knew this was going to happen, for war spared no one, they sighed in weary disbelief at the devastation of the last great human city. They soon ventured from hiding among the bricks, grabbing shovels and picks, and taking up places alongside many others they began to dig. Bodies littered the muddy streets and there was no time for individual graves.
After the large pit was finished, they began to heave in the bodies of the dead - humans and great beasts shaped like large dogs or wolves, beings composed of living shadow and some of pure light, adorned in white breastplates with great white long swords such as you might see in a museum.
When the streets were free of bodies, no one said anything; no prayers like might be expected. Instead, the diggers slunk away to fetch firewood and crude weapons for hunting. Night was coming...

Now, this is just MY interpretation of your writing - what I would SUGGEST you consider. Again, you have a very interesting starting point here - something you can definitely use as a base for exploration into this setting. Readers are going to have many questions - beings of shadow and light? huge beasts? inevitable war? what war? who is fighting? etc. etc.
Let me know what you think.
Peace!
-g-

 

[Foxbat]

An interesting piece. I would go along with much of hedgeknight's comments but would add that, if you read it out loud and find yourself needing a breath in the middle of a sentence - it's a good sign that it needs to be shortened.

Also, I notice that your font type changes near the end. Perhaps you already know this but here's a word of advice anyway: write your story in Word (or something similar) and then when you are happy with it, paste it into your post. This method (I feel) gives you much more control over the work that you post.

 

[MainComputer]

LOTS of good advice here.

Where are all these long-time forum posters when I leave a chapter here?! Oh well.