Nameless thing opening

HareBrain

Ziggy Wigwag
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Something new I've been working on, and which I'm not sure how to categorise. All comments welcome.

*****

Rek took the bow from the strings, and wondered dismally if horsehair had ever been put to catgut with less happy results. His fingering had been clumsy, his timing off – on the plus side, he had discovered how to imitate a chorus of evil spirits.

‘It is a tricky section, though,’ he said to Lux, sprawled on a sunny chair.

Lux’s response was a long blink.

‘You don’t think I should give up on it?’

The black slits in their green orbs conveyed only a void of interest.

But at least the cat hadn’t fled the noise, Rek thought. And the ballad he was trying to learn, The Crossing of Creaking Bridge, was all about persistence. If Lyona Redmane could overcome Donkey-face Rodrigo through multiple battles of wits and reach the bridge’s far side, then he could overcome his lack of teacher and reach a state of not sounding terrible.

‘Five decent notes in a row, and that’ll be a good afternoon’s work.’ He tucked the fiddle under his chin again. ‘Just five.’

Lux meowed.

‘Fine, three.’ Then Rek noticed Lux had stood, and was looking at the window as if contemplating escape after all.

No, the cat’s ears were pricked forward.

And were those footsteps outside?

The front door banged downstairs, and Rek’s stomach turned to knots. Da, home early – hours early, first time ever. Had he heard the fiddle as he approached? Rek tried to gauge from the length of time since he’d stopped, Da’s walking speed…

Boots sounded on the stairs. Hard, fast: question answered. Rek darted a panicked glance at the space under the bed, then the window. But Lyona would never have been so cowardly. Fiddle clutched against thudding chest, he stood to meet what was coming.

The door crashed open. ‘What’s this?’ Da fumed as he stepped into Rek’s bedroom, beard bristling. ‘What’s going on here?’

‘Using my fingers differently.’ Rek waggled the digits of his free hand. ‘Helps keep them strong.’

Da’s eyes narrowed: half-suspicious, half-persuaded, Rek judged. Maybe good enough. ‘Then find another way to use them differently. I’ve told you never to play that thing in my house.’

‘It’s my meal break.’

‘Makes no difference. One complaint from a neighbour, and I’m selling it.’

‘It’s not yours to sell!’

Da growled low in his throat, but didn’t dispute the fact. ‘We’ve no time for this. The ship’s come.’

Rek gaped. ‘Today? I thought—’

‘Yes, today. It’s fortunate somebody had the foresight to package the order.’

Da clumped back downstairs. Rek stashed the fiddle under his bed and followed down to the main room, anxious as to where Da’s comment about the neighbours might lead. He’d taken precautions against complaints, a few chores done in return for promises of deaf ears – or ears stuffed with cheesecloth. But now his attempts had been exposed, Da might ask the neighbours directly if they’d been put to any trouble, and Rek wasn’t sure they would actually lie for him. And if Da learned he’d been skiving off to practise most afternoons…

Then he reached the bottom stair, and neighbours were forgotten in a sharp breath of alarm. Da was standing over the work-bench by the bright window. The collar tabs, epaulettes and cuff patches Rek had embroidered that morning were stacked beside his spools of thread and his insignia charts, and next to them were the pair of blank tabs that alone remained of his day’s task.

Rek tried to think how to get Da away from the bench without seeming suspicious. But he could already sense his father’s thoughts. And soon came the words to back them up.

‘You’ve done all but these two, in little more than half the day?’

Only one excuse came to Rek: ‘It was an easy batch.’ Unfortunately the topmost epaulette was for a Pilot Officer, a single wing surrounded by zephyrs in silver and gold thread, intricate even by Navy standards.

He watched with a sick feeling as his father went through the others. But afterward, Da merely said, ‘We’ll get the goods loaded.’

The ten-dozen military tunics that made up the recently completed order were stacked ready by the back door, carefully folded and wrapped in cloth. All through the lengthy process of getting Black Lightning into his harness, hitching the pony to the cart and loading the work, Rek dreaded Da’s inevitable tirade. But though his father frowned and brooded, the outbreak of temper never came; and by the time everything was prepared, Rek thought perhaps Da had after all believed his ‘easy batch’ story.

‘See you later then,’ he said, and took the pony’s bridle.

Da laid a heavy hand on his arm. ‘I’ll deliver these. You stay.’

That was odd: Rek had often heard his father complain about having to deal with the Skylord quartermasters. ‘I might as well come too?’ He didn’t want to miss Captain Sevrena, nor her chocolate.

‘I need to speak to them,’ Da said in a measured voice. ‘I’m going to suggest they give us larger orders. It’s clear you could handle more.’

Rek didn’t like the sound of that. ‘I can only embroider for as many tunics as the three of you make.’

‘I can hire others to cut and sew with us at the workshop,’ Da said. ‘We’ve space: it’s your output that limits us, and now it seems the limit was always false. It all becomes clear,’ he went on, voice building with the anger Rek now realised he’d been keeping down. ‘Even those last two collar tabs – you planned to be working on them at my accustomed coming-home time, so I would think you’d been at your task all day!’ He stepped closer, towering; Rek had to force himself to not back off. ‘You asked to work at home so that you could sew without distraction. But now it seems distraction was your very aim!’

‘Not “distraction”!’ protested Rek. ‘I need to learn.’

‘And our trade isn’t “need”? Putting money by for times of illness or want, that isn’t “need”?’

‘When I can play well, I can make us money, like Gran did.’

He willed his father to take his point, but Da’s face only hardened further. ‘Rekla, I heard you as I neared home. It hurts me to say this, but you will never play well.’

‘Oh, it hurts you to say that! I bet.’

Da didn’t rise to the provocation. ‘Anything else would be a lie. Your grandmother lived on lies—’

‘On stories!’

‘I’m not talking about Lorna Redmoon.’

‘Lyona Redmane!’

Whoever! It pains me that you haven’t outgrown her influence. Deceit in a child is to be expected, but you’re fifteen, even if you don’t look it, and three years out of school. I won’t punish you for this dereliction, Rekla.’ Da clopped the pony toward the gate. ‘I’ll treat you as an adult, and ask you to understand where your responsibility lies. And your true interests.’
 
I do like the idea of a hero who is an embroiderer, though I worry that a lack of knowledge of embroidery terms might well trip you up, since it's not the design that is necessarily the problem, but whatever stitches are required, particularly if couching is involved with the gold and silver thread. If he's good at his job, I'd expect the worldbuilding from his POV to include more detail of that kind, and a lack of it would ring alarm bells for me. I'd also question whether someone who is so vital to the business, whose dexterity is therefore important, would be required to undertake the physical work such as harnessing the pony to the cart, with the risk of damaging his fingers. (By the way, is a bridle needed if a horse is pulling something, rather than being ridden?)

It's as well written as all your stuff is, naturally, though there were one or two nitpicks I noticed (eg the errant 'for' in 'I can only embroider for as many tunics' and a colon a little later that would be better as a full stop) and you've got in elements of conflict both internal between duty and aspiration, and external with his father which is all to the good. But if I picked this up in a shop, I'm not sure I would rush to buy it unless there was the promise of something big/important/interesting happening very soon. I forget whether you said it was going to be a YA, but actually at this point to me it feels like it's for much younger children. That's not just because of his age, but from the dialogue between them and the overall feel -- it's very non-threatening, almost comical in tone, and the stakes don't seem very high. Which is fine, of course, but if you were aiming at the adult fantasy-quest market, it perhaps needs looking at a bit more.

Personally, I'd have liked a little more worldbuilding here, so I could get an idea of where they are, what kind of building, whether they live in a village or town or city, whether there is a war on, what level of technology they have eg do they have sewing machines? I wouldn't want paragraphs of it, but just enough to give me a sense of place and people. And is the cat going to be important? (I do hope she's the incarnation of Rek's gran!) If so, I think it's a mistake to forget her for the bulk of the scene -- does she hide under the bed when his father rushes in, or does she follow them downstairs to watch what happens? If she's not important, then I'd question whether to bring her into the story at all.

Anyhow, despite my cavils, I definitely think it's got promise. Good luck with it!
 
It's a nice piece of writing, and intriguing as to what will happen next.

I'm not sure though that the father would be so easily fooled into thinking that the embroidery could be done in half the time. I also think that it may be better to show rather than tell when the father tells the son that his music skills will never be good enough. Just shaking his head, or even doing nothing other than shaking the reins may be sufficient.
 
Nicely written. No major faults. The MC doesn't appear to have much going on - a job he doesn't like, can't play violin, has a typically stern father/boss, is young (and presumably foolish). From this passage, not a particularly interesting person or one with great stakes. But I assume this is a launching point for something greater, even though what is on the page so far has no "hook".


(Whatever a hook is.)


Whatcha thinkin wit dis?
 
Thanks for the responses so far. Some definite food for thought there.

Whatcha thinkin wit dis?
Yeah, that's a good question. Over the past few years I've occasionally hankered for a particular kind of story to read, and haven't been able to find it (or at least new ones). The very basic feel of it would be something like the fairy-tale model where a younger son has no prospects and heads off into the blue yonder to seek his fortune (probably with magical cat in tow, or rather in charge). So a somewhat light-hearted adventure with a low-ish stakes opening. In non-book terms, maybe a kind of Studio Ghibli feel.

This might not be quite that, as factors other than fortune-seeking quickly come into play, but that's as close as I can get.

In terms of target audience, no idea (I accept that its commercial prospects are zero). That might be what reminded me of Studio Ghibli.
 
In terms of target audience, no idea (I accept that its commercial prospects are zero). That might be what reminded me of Studio Ghibli.
I am reminded of the Japanese "light novel" and works like Violet Evergarden.
 
Worried about her Da, who by the end seemed quite reasonable. And I'm not too sure where you're taking this, what's the hook here? Missing tension and a lot of what Judge said to save me tying.

A slow stakes opening is asking a lot from a reader (even if the expected numbers are low, and I know that feeling) so is that fair?

Well written, a slow pace that still held me. Is it enough to keep me going, I'm not so sure. But you already know this, so I'll head off to pastures new.
 

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