Scene Improvement

[Timben]

How should I improve this scene? I am wanting to show man-eaters looking up and trying to grab their prey. But I somehow neglected to do so. Could someone tell me how to crop this into the scene?
Their hands were now bounded by rope. And demanded to face the Supreme Leader and the Second-in-Command. The Coil agents raised their rifles at back range and were forced to march. They were aligned facing the Supreme Leader.
“No tricks, Cassidy! Do you have a last request, before I feed you to the man-eaters?” asked the Supreme Leader.
“Go play hide and f…” said Sam.
“Colorful but no,” chuckled the Supreme Leader.
“Mr. Tao?” What is your last request?" asked the Second-in-Command.
Chen didn’t say anything except stare at them.
“Supreme Leader! This is your last chance. I’m warning you,” said Sam.
The assembled agents rock with mocking laughter. The Supreme Leader’s laughter subsides.
“Move them into position,” said the Supreme Leader.
The Supreme Leader makes a thumbs-down gesture. Chen looks worried. Sam and Chen are prodded by a guard to the edge of the plank over the gaping man-eater’s pit.

 

[msstice]

(As an aside this is very close to Luke and Jabba's dialog at the Sarlaac pit in ROTJ.)

You can have Cassidy glance down at the pit and note the pacing man eaters (That would also be very close to Luke glancing down at the pit and seeing the tentacles). The Supreme Leader can also make a comment about that.

 

[therapist]

I would take them to the pit's edge earlier, maybe at the start of this scene. Then you can initially describe the man eaters, and then in the middle of the dialogue, I would insert a line about the man-eaters looking up and attempting to grab them.

 

[paranoid marvin]

What type of creatures are your man-eaters? Tigers, crocodiles etc will behave in different ways. As msstice mentions, it does sound an awful lot like the Sarlaac pit scene.

 

[Timben]

I was afraid of that, I am terribly sorry, the scene wasn't supposed to resemble anything like ROTJ, so I need to redo the entire scene. and to answer the question, the man-eaters are indeed Bengal tigers.

 

[msstice]

I was afraid of that, I am terribly sorry, the scene wasn't supposed to resemble anything like ROTJ, so I need to redo the entire scene. and to answer the question, the man-eaters are indeed Bengal tigers.

1. "Good writers borrow, great writers steal." - That guy who wrote "The Wasteland"
2. It wasn't the scene that struck me so much as the dialog. The Villain dangling the Hero over the Pit O'Doom and gloating is an adventure staple. Lucas certainly didn't come up with it. The dialog is a bit close, was my observation. I'm sure that if you think more about your Hero, your villain and your setting different dialog will occur to you.

 

[paranoid marvin]

In regards to the man-eating tigers, it's worth considering using show not tell. For instance, have the Supreme Leader refer to them as his 'pets', and it can be assumed that someone being thrown into a pit of tigers is likely to be attacked and probably eaten. Perhaps have him mention that they haven't been fed, or describe them as salivating or circling below their victim.

 

[Timben]

Thank you for the inputs and comments, I thank you very much.

 

[mrmcduff]

Also, do you mean that there are a lot of man-eaters in the pit? Because you mention "the man-eater's pit" as if there's just one, but the Supreme Leader asks if they want to be fed to the "man-eaters," plural. If you meant that the pit has a bunch of man-eaters, then it would be "the man-eaters' pit" with the apostrophe after the 's.'

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

Sam and Chen are prodded by a guard to the edge of the plank over the gaping man-eater’s pit.

This last line doesn't make sense to me. How wide is this plank? My image of a plank is a narrow board. And if the plank goes over the gaping man-eater's pit, how does a guard prod someone to the edge of it.

My visualization is thrown all over the place. A plank is a great term, but the action is very confusing to me.
If they are on the plank, then the plank has to be really wide to be prodded to the edge of it. If they weren't already on the plank then the guards would prod them onto it, not to the edge of the plank.

But back to the issue at hand. Perhaps have the guards line them up on the plank facing the Supreme Leader. Maybe the plank wobbles or flexes under their weight. Maybe they glance down at the man-eaters leaping up to reach them. The Supreme Leader has to speak above the noise of gnashing teeth below them. As the actively avoiding the distraction of the violence that awaits them.

Good luck with your project!

 

[Bowler1]

More emotion and more to put the reader into the action is needed for me and I have gone all creative on you below, which you can use or ignore as you wish.

Later and good luck with it all.

Their hands were now bounded by rope.
Rough rope rubbed and burned Sam's wrist as he was shoved forward - staying close to the character and getting some sense of feeling, even if it's only the rope.

And demanded to face the Supreme Leader and the Second-in-Command.
And - I don't know, was this a character, or an accidental break in the sentence?


The Coil agents raised their rifles at back range and were forced to march. They were aligned facing the Supreme Leader.
Both these lines read odd for me, I am not sure what you mean here.

“No tricks, Cassidy! Do you have a last request, before I feed you to the man-eaters?” asked the Supreme Leader, playing to the eager crowd now drunk after waiting hours in the sun - an opportunity to add setting into the section.

“Go play hide and f…” said Sam, to a rowdy cheer from the crowd.
“Colorful... (a speech pause maybe) but no,” chuckled the Supreme Leader, also playing to the crowd

“Mr. Tao?” Typo errors, what is your last request?" asked the Second-in-Command.
Why a second in command, as it confuses this small section for me with additional characters.

Chen didn’t say anything except stare at them.

“Supreme Leader! This is your last chance. I’m warning you,” said Sam.
“Supreme Leader, said Sam, 'this is your last chance.' - this is your last chance is clearly a warning, so no need to state/tell the reader so.
Yeah, this is Luke.

The assembled agents rock with mocking laughter. The Supreme Leader’s laughter subsides.
The crowd roar with rowdy laugher, as the Leader looks on smugly confident - one line, with more showing and less telling I think.

“Move them into position,” said the Supreme Leader, with a thumbs-down gesture.
One line instead of two and keep the flow moving.

Chen looks worried.
Define worried, or even better, show worried.

Sam and Chen are prodded by a guard to the edge of the plank over the gaping man-eater’s pit.
A guard prodded Sam on to a waiting plank with a sharp knife, drawing blood, and Sam promised himself... that guard would be first to suffer.