Opening scene to my dystopian novel

[otaylor]

Hey everyone, first chance to post something for critique here, so I'm jumping right in
This is the prologue to the novel, called Time Without End. I'm much more of a discovery writer, and I started with this and went through to the end. Eventually, I'm interested in how it compares to the opening of chapter 1, but that's a much longer piece of writing and I want to know basically if this would encourage you to continue reading or not. Obviously, I'm open to any other kind of input as well

Prologue

He peered over the edge. Twenty-five stories to the streets below, the streetlamps distant hazy pools, their halos barely visible through the driving rain. Quelling the urge to vomit, he grasped the far side of the ledge in front of him and heaved his torso up onto the parapet. The wall was low, just over chest height. The rooftop around him was dimly lit, harsh electric lights struggling to reach through the gloom. This was madness. Struggling slightly, he lifted one leg to catch the near edge of the wall and slid his hips up, prostrating himself lengthways. The rain was freezing, plastering his hair to his head, running in rivulets down his neck. His clothing was already sodden. Keeping his eyes fixed on the narrow space in front of him, he pushed himself up onto his knees. The top of the wall was covered in a light metal coating, hammered round the edges, smooth and soft looking. It loomed large as he tried to avoid looking at the gaping void to his right.

‘Come on! Get up! Face it! Let the fear run through you, ride it like a wave.’

Gritting his teeth, he lifted his gaze along the wall to come to rest on two muddied-white trainers a few feet away from him. His eyes flitted to his right and his world yawed wildly. His hands slid across the wet surface, scrabbling for purchase.

‘Stand up!’ His companion’s voice rang across the top of the apartment building. ‘This, it’s all in your head, you know you’ll be ok. Let yourself feel the rush, the thrill.’

The feet stepped closer, and his imagination ran riot, picturing the trainers skating off the edge. A hand reached down. Calloused and strong looking, but both the ring and little finger ended in short stubs just above the knuckle. Swallowing bile, he reached his own hand up, barely recognising it, and took hold, clinging like his life depended on it. Fear rocked his body as the hand pulled at him, heaving him upwards. He almost screamed. But he was standing now. His legs felt like jelly, and his feet did feel like they were on ice, shifting as if hovering above the metal. Water seeped through and around his shoes. He realised his eyes were closed. Opening them was a force of will he was surprised he found the strength for.

The face before him was weathered, hard-worn and lined, pale images of bruises recently healed scattered from forehead to chin. The nose had been broken, perhaps more than once, and looked swollen. Why was he focusing on these things? Passing things. Unimportant things. He turned to his right, and let his gaze roam out across the cityscape. Scattered lights lit some of the windows, within ghostly outlines in glowing red eyes warning aircraft. Even so, the night’s shadow, heavy clouds and the downpour kept the view minimal. Inexorably, his eyes drifted back towards his feet and the sheer drop below them. The rain twisted his perspective as he watched the drops pass him, his eyes tracking the falling water and momentarily freezing it in the air. It felt wrong, like transgressing time.

‘Enough, let’s do this!’ His companion jerked his hand outward, and he found himself half pulled and half stepping out into the void and then his stomach lurching into his mouth, terror locking his body rigid, a scream trapped in his throat and half choking him as the wind roared in his ears and scoured his eyes open wide, and he joined the falling rain, followed it down and down past a blur of glass and chrome, the warm glow of the street lights rushing to greet him and the insane laughter that rang through his head such that he almost thought it was his own before the street was there and the world exploded in red and black.

 

[THX1138]

@otaylor Well, the MC first day of immortal Boot Camp, and it obvious that the MC doesn't believe that he is immortal and is terrified to no end.

You did a good job of tying in the MC's emotions with the visual descriptions of the setting. But I fell that there could be a little less focus on the descriptions and some more of his own personal thoughts to drive home his fear of this training he is going through. A little more absolute doubt and total fear in his thoughts. You did a good job capturing this in action and description, just a little more of the internal torment he is experiencing would be nice. Add some verbal doubt and pleading maybe? Not much, but just enough?

Great job! You caught my interest.

 

[therapist]

I think this is a good scene to open on. Definitely piqued my interest. I agree with @THX1138 about too much description. I didn't think most of it was necessary, especially for an opening scene designed to hook the reader. You set the scene well in the first 2 sentences, its easy to imagine, I don't need more details.

I feel like you could get away with cutting these 2 whole sections.

Quelling the urge to vomit, he grasped the far side of the ledge in front of him and heaved his torso up onto the parapet. The wall was low, just over chest height. The rooftop around him was dimly lit, harsh electric lights struggling to reach through the gloom. This was madness. Struggling slightly, he lifted one leg to catch the near edge of the wall and slid his hips up, prostrating himself lengthways. The rain was freezing, plastering his hair to his head, running in rivulets down his neck. His clothing was already sodden. Keeping his eyes fixed on the narrow space in front of him, he pushed himself up onto his knees. The top of the wall was covered in a light metal coating, hammered round the edges, smooth and soft looking. It loomed large as he tried to avoid looking at the gaping void to his right.

The face before him was weathered, hard-worn and lined, pale images of bruises recently healed scattered from forehead to chin. The nose had been broken, perhaps more than once, and looked swollen. Why was he focusing on these things? Passing things. Unimportant things. He turned to his right, and let his gaze roam out across the cityscape. Scattered lights lit some of the windows, within ghostly outlines in glowing red eyes warning aircraft. Even so, the night’s shadow, heavy clouds and the downpour kept the view minimal. Inexorably, his eyes drifted back towards his feet and the sheer drop below them.

Another couple of notes. When you said 'muddied-white trainers' I wasn't sure if you were refering to people or a pair of shoes. I assumed shoes, but I think that assumption was wrong. Also I didn't like leaving the first line of dialogue untagged, I wasn't sure if the MC was speaking to himself, trying to psyche himself up or what.

 

[otaylor]

Thanks @THX1138 and @therapist - it's clear that there's a bit too much description; it's something I'm prone to, trying to really describe a vivid image in my head rather than letting the reader imagine theirs. Some of it, like the physical description section, is designed as a kind of signpost/hint thing, but I'll also give it more thought as maybe it's not necessary. I might post a chunk of chapter 1 as well so that you can see how this first scene then leads into the book

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi otaylor, this is a good opening. I do think that with the advantage of height, you have a unique advantage to detail to the reader the cityscape of the place where the action is taking place. This could also help to give a feel for what type of world your protagonist inhabits. so for example he could see the 'Ministry of Justice' looming over the buildings around, or the 'Grand Ducal Palace' or the parapets of the city walls etc. And wouldn't he be half-pushed rather than half-pulled over the edge?

 

[otaylor]

Hi otaylor, this is a good opening. I do think that with the advantage of height, you have a unique advantage to detail to the reader the cityscape of the place where the action is taking place. This could also help to give a feel for what type of world your protagonist inhabits. so for example he could see the 'Ministry of Justice' looming over the buildings around, or the 'Grand Ducal Palace' or the parapets of the city walls etc. And wouldn't he be half-pushed rather than half-pulled over the edge?

Thanks! That's an excellent point actually. When I started this I hadn't decided on the setting, and then it became near-ish future part-flooded London. For some reason I never thought of coming back and using this scene to signpost that a bit. You're right, rather than random non-descript description, I could use this for better scene-setting.
With the jump, I wanted it to be clear that the other person jumps first and pulls the MC along with him, but I see now it's pretty ambiguous.

 

[Stephen Palmer]

This isn't too shabby. You need to review your sentence meanings. For instance, heaving a torso brought a completely different image to mind. The second sentence is in a different prose mode to the others in the paragraph. The prose "music" overall isn't quite right also, eg. concurrent sentences beginning with the, and a lot of use of the word was. The style is notably improved by the end. Duff first para, basically.
Eg. "Why was he focusing on that? Passing things. Unimportant things."
I also think you've over-emphasised the emotional content, eg swallowing bile. It's a tad overwrought.

 

[reddishbird]

I like most of this apart from one or two clumsy sentences eg. "Opening them was a force of will he was surprised he found the strength for." And perhaps you've used a tad too much description but it definitely gripped me.

When I was first writing my book I was told nobody liked prologues these days which really bothered me at the time. I would have loved to place a prologue in the beginning of my story, but was stupid enough to listen. To prologue or not to prologue? And should the second book in a story have one?

Also I would be glad to read any other opening scenes, and comment. I had a lot of problems with mine.

 

[msstice]

I enjoyed reading it. It was very immersive. You took your time, and by the end of the passage I was in the mind of the character. I could feel the rain, and the darkness, and the height.

I think there could be a better way to describe the vertigo, but I can't think of what. I do think that the description of falling was a little too low key. He should be terrified as he falls, given the build up.

‘Come on! Get up! Face it! Let the fear run through you, ride it like a wave.’

This disoriented me: perhaps better to write his companion said at this point, rather than the next.

The writing is awesome. Keep going!

 

[otaylor]

This isn't too shabby. You need to review your sentence meanings. For instance, heaving a torso brought a completely different image to mind. The second sentence is in a different prose mode to the others in the paragraph. The prose "music" overall isn't quite right also, eg. concurrent sentences beginning with the, and a lot of use of the word was. The style is notably improved by the end. Duff first para, basically.
Eg. "Why was he focusing on that? Passing things. Unimportant things."
I also think you've over-emphasised the emotional content, eg swallowing bile. It's a tad overwrought.

Thanks for your input - I'd definitely never read the torso sentence that way, but I very much see what you mean I'm not exactly sure what you mean by the prose music, although in trying I think I might. Perhaps it comes from having already edited it down a bit, and then the edited sentence lack the same flavour as the unedited ones (as opposed to when I wrote it off the cuff).
Did you mean it got better by your example sentence, or that was another example of bad style?
And I can definitely see what you mean on the bile/vomit inducing thing in general, trying to capture the fear, which actually in the light of the rest of the book (I wrote it beginning to end) isn't really ideal, but I liked the scene... anyway I'll give it thought, thanks.

I like most of this apart from one or two clumsy sentences eg. "Opening them was a force of will he was surprised he found the strength for." And perhaps you've used a tad too much description but it definitely gripped me.

When I was first writing my book I was told nobody liked prologues these days which really bothered me at the time. I would have loved to place a prologue in the beginning of my story, but was stupid enough to listen. To prologue or not to prologue? And should the second book in a story have one?

Also I would be glad to read any other opening scenes, and comment. I had a lot of problems with mine.

That sentence also flashed at me the last time I read it so it will definitely go I wonder if the prologue has put agents off haha! I hadn't read about not doing one. I have a prologue and an epilogue... And yes I can happily post up some of chapter one too, I think it's too long for the whole thing to go up. Also happy for more beta readers.

I enjoyed reading it. It was very immersive. You took your time, and by the end of the passage I was in the mind of the character. I could feel the rain, and the darkness, and the height.

I think there could be a better way to describe the vertigo, but I can't think of what. I do think that the description of falling was a little too low key. He should be terrified as he falls, given the build up.

d
This disoriented me: perhaps better to write his companion said at this point, rather than the next.

The writing is awesome. Keep going!

Thank so much It's really nice to hear. It's hard to get a balance between too much description (which lots of people have said for this), and enough to give a good sense of place, and also timing (because essentially all the scene is, is him and his friend jumping off a building). Totally agree with specifying the companion speaking, and I'll give the vertigo some thought. I rock climb and also get this, so I feel like I should be able to find a way to describe it!

 

[Wayne Mack]

I actually liked the description and feel it helps to set a dark tone.

As a prologue, though, I don't feel it tells me anything about what is to come. What is this section supposed to reveal to the reader? I don't know why the PoV is doing what he is doing. I don't see what payoff he would get by succeeding or what succeeding would entail. I also have flip-flopped on whether the character lives or dies at the end. Consider whether this prologue is needed or whether to just start with chapter one. In general, I feel that prologues are helpful in fantasy as they allow the writer to isolate some aspect of the world building and get it conveyed before starting the overall plot arc. If the character lives, certainly give us his name; if he dies, then keeping him anonymous may be the right choice for the story. Consider giving the name of the organization or the trainers or companion. Consider telling why the character is going through this experience. Give me some reason to cheer for him; this will increase the tension when he finally dies or fails to die.

Your writing does a very good job of conveying the mood and atmosphere. Bealk, dystopian environments always make for an interesting read. I hope this is helpful to you.

 

[otaylor]

I actually liked the description and feel it helps to set a dark tone.

As a prologue, though, I don't feel it tells me anything about what is to come. What is this section supposed to reveal to the reader? I don't know why the PoV is doing what he is doing. I don't see what payoff he would get by succeeding or what succeeding would entail. I also have flip-flopped on whether the character lives or dies at the end. Consider whether this prologue is needed or whether to just start with chapter one. In general, I feel that prologues are helpful in fantasy as they allow the writer to isolate some aspect of the world building and get it conveyed before starting the overall plot arc. If the character lives, certainly give us his name; if he dies, then keeping him anonymous may be the right choice for the story. Consider giving the name of the organization or the trainers or companion. Consider telling why the character is going through this experience. Give me some reason to cheer for him; this will increase the tension when he finally dies or fails to die.

Your writing does a very good job of conveying the mood and atmosphere. Bealk, dystopian environments always make for an interesting read. I hope this is helpful to you.

Thanks @Wayne Mack that's helpful It's really hard to get a good balance. Each time I've come back to it I've trimmed a little, and not everyone said it's too descriptive, so there's obviously a balance.

Rather than be informative, I wanted this to do something quite specific - ideally it's like a boom, pre-credits TV style thing, which hopefully peaks some interest, and then into Chapter One which (spoiler alert ) is some cops with two splatted bodies at the bottom of a building. I want the initial feeling to be, oh, weird, maybe it was just that, for chapter one, then chapter two opens some doubt about it. The main hook for the book is slowly revealed through the two different narratives that then intersect, and in the process they slowly reveal what that initial scene was all about. So ideally it gives a sense of mystery and, 'hmmm', and slowly it's like, 'oooh, aaah' (or something). But a couple of readers found it off-putting and it didn't hook them. But then I can't cater to everyone...

 

[paranoid marvin]

It will be a divisive subject, but for me a prologue is about setting the scene, and getting enough background info over as possible without it seeming like an info dump. The characters, their hopes, fears and inner thoughts are something that build up as the story progresses, but some indications as to their thoughts can be helpful.

Another thing (in my opinion) is that the prologue does not have to be a coherent story in and of itself. Having unusual things happen in the introduction can be of benefit if they draw the reader in, enticing the reader to read on to make sense of them.

Breaking Bad did this in many episodes, with events occurring at the beginning of the episode that made no sense, but were later explained as the plot revealed itself. I think that your prologue makes a pretty good job of that.

 

[therapist]

I'm usually turned off prologues. They often feel boring, and like a hurdle I have to surmount before i'm allowed into the story. Yours doesn't have that problem at all. But would there be any issue in calling it chapter one? I wonder if it will read exactly the same, but will slip under the radar of people who dislike prologues.
this video has a literary agent critiquing first pages of fantasy novel submissions. She mentions that prologues are generally disliked, and agents prefer something more immediate. If you are planning on submitting to agents, this is a good video to watch.

 

[THX1138]

I'm usually turned off prologues. They often feel boring, and like a hurdle I have to surmount before i'm allowed into the story. Yours doesn't have that problem at all. But would there be any issue in calling it chapter one? I wonder if it will read exactly the same, but will slip under the radar of people who dislike prologues.
this video has a literary agent critiquing first pages of fantasy novel submissions. She mentions that prologues are generally disliked, and agents prefer something more immediate. If you are planning on submitting to agents, this is a good video to watch.

Very informative to watch. Makes me rethink my own novels 1st chapter.

 

[Righmath]

This is great! Caught my attention, got me hooked, especially for a critique.

The last paragraph was one giant sentence which I didn't like, so maybe change that. But other wise, great job

 

[Paul J. Menzies]

Hi OTaylor...

There are some excellent insights above and I'm not sure I can add anything of value, but I'll take the plunge....

Apologies if I express myself too harshly. I'm can be a blunt mofo at times.

First off... I'm in agreement with others that this is not a prologue. I have yet to read the chapter one you posted, but you indicate above that it basically starts shortly after the action in this excerpt. That tells me this is actually CH 1. I think you're calling it a Prologue simply for the sake of calling it a prologue... and you will be playing against reader's expectations in that regard, which, of course, isn't a good thing unless it has objectively good reasons behind it. A prologue, whatever it is doing in the story, should stand distinct from the rest of the story. Whether that's because it is world-building or non sequitur or whatever, it is separate in some way.

The opening... You force the reader to piece together over multiple paragraphs that the very beginning of the story the PoV is actually lying down on the wet roof (--I think). This positioning needs to be absolutely evident as we begin.. I'm not sure you have the right starting point for the story. We miss a lot of emotional beats that would obviously occur before he lies down and peers over the edge. And is his mentor going to let that approach just happen without comment?

In fact, it is very difficult to see the milieu and his position within it with our mental eye from what you are giving us. At least it was for me. I mean, if he's lying down, peering over the edge of a concrete precipice, how is there a ledge in from of him? The wall? What bloody wall? So he was lying down, peering over an edge and needed to be helped up, but there was a chest high wall there? And a ledge? And how important to your story is the covering on the wall?

You do this a couple of times, so I'm guessing it's a part of your style, but look at the those first two sentences and then the 2nd and 3rd sentences of the 5th para. In both cases you start with a short statement and then follow with an incomplete sentence that is a descriptive for the prior statement. It jars... not a lot but a little. I think, because it is likely your paying readers won't know your style, it would be better to end those short statements with a colon and follow with the descriptive so that the two are obviously linked to each other and naturally flow one into the next.

There are some word choices I question. For example, is "quell" a term the PoV would use or a term you-a-writer would use? When you think of yourself fighting nausea or the urge to vomit, do you think of yourself as "quelling the urge?" Simpler and more obvious is better, unless this really is part of the voice you want to establish early on. But I'm not sure why that would be. Quell reminds of a fantasy story, and an even better example of this is "parapet." We have 25 stories, streetlamps and electric lights, but also quelling and parapets. You're sending mixed signals.

His clothing was already sodden. Is this the way your PoV thinks and speaks? He would say, "sodden?" Why do I the reader care about his generic garments? Why does the character? Wouldn't he be far more concerned about being soaked to the skin and chilled to the bone? i know I the reader would be. And why use clothing? You have the opportunity to give us some idea of what we're supposed to be looking at, who our avatar so far in this world is, and nope... no soup for you dear reader. You get "clothing."

The first line of dialog jars the reader and confuses because we have no indication there is anyone else there. In general, you seem to be kind of arbitrarily selective in what details you give the reader throughout the piece. I mean arbitrarily because it isn't evident that what you give us and what you choose not to give us are in service of character, plot or setting.

He takes his eyes off the dizzying drop and focuses on the nearby trainers, and now the world "yaws"? I don't find this believable at all. The world would have been yawing when he was looking down. The verb yaw I'm not a fan of here either. And half your readers are going to read it as yawning. You need to get across the vertigo he's feeling and to do so you need a statement or verb phrase that is going to resonate right in your reader's guts. Where they say, "Yeah, I know exactly what he's feeling. I've been there." Does yaw do that? Like quell and parapet, does yaw fit the setting or character?

‘This, it’s all in your head, you know you’ll be ok.' Is the mentor-type in the PoV's head? What is he referring to by 'this' then exactly? Expository needs took over here I'm guessing. We now have a couple of lines of dialog from this guy... our first impression of him as a reader. Are you happy with what the reader now thinks of that person's character and personality at this point? And you might say, well, you're going to find out more as the character reveals itself. And yes, some mystery is essential to every story, if it is in service to the story and not mystery for mystery's sake. My response would be, "the reader does not need to have his own arc." Now, you might be perfectly happy with how the discourse has begun as, of course, there should be some conflict between the two, but this guy has now spoken twice and what I know about him from those lines couldn't fill a shot glass. And would he really be wearing white trainers? I dunno, maybe... (lean stuff for us the reader though). And then that paragraph, which has described both his mentor's hand and his own, ends with him realizing his eyes were closed the whole time. Or closed for some unknown reason after failing to recognize his own hand.

The next paragraph begins with the PoV fantasizing about his mentor dying (as far as the reader knows at this point), but without any emotional set-up or impact. Did you want the reader to get the impression of that level of dissonance in this relationship? That's a helluva thing, thinking of a man dying. What are the reasons? Is it just because he's feeling fear and doesn't want to do what he has to do? That's a bit immature in terms of proportion. How old is this PoV guy anyways? Is this sort of over-reaction the internal issue the PoV has to overcome in the course of the novel? And then just a few sentences later, he clings to the man's hand--the man he had just before had pictured falling 25 stories--for dear life. And why does he barely recognize his own hand? I would think his mind and senses are particularly sharp in this moment. "Shifting as hovering on the metal" has to go. Are they shifting or are they hovering? Does he feel like he's standing on ice, or like he's hovering? Why are they hovering above the metal instead of the roof? The whole thing doesn't jibe, is also superfluous, and again an unusual detail to focus on. Even worse, you move from describing a feeling of hovering above the water straight into noticing water seeping into his shoes (now that he's standing). and what you're revealing is a character who really likes to think about his feet a lot...

Going from opening his eyes was a force of will (despite being able to look at the 25 story drop) he was surprised he had the strength for, to the end of the prologue, everything is over-the-top. Why did it it take such a strength of will? Just to open eyes that other than this moment have largely been open? Does he want to look at his mentor even less than the twenty-five story drop? The bruises "scattered"? So they're in motion? You like to use a lot of intransitive verbs in transitive ways... that was at least the third occasion already in this novel and we're only on page 1. I don't think this conceit is helping your prose. The line about windows makes no sense to me. The "pulling" thing someone already mentioned too, but really all of it doesn't pass muster.

One last criticism (probably not, lol). It's not evident whether the avatar simply has a fear of heights, or a lack of belief in his ability. The second is a difficult one to deal with because if that was the case, they wouldn't be starting their journey of ability-proof with a 25 story leap into what should be incredible pain. And are they unconscious after this Kierkegaardian leap of faith? So is this a safe place, free of enemies? Why would they be doing this here rather than somewhere safe if not? Do they have no enemies? But getting back to my intial point, having read a whole scene and still not knowing exactly what the PoV's issue is... is not a good thing.

Okay, okay, that should be enough kicks to the groin for now. Sorry about that. Were there some good things? Of course. Despite the odd misstep, the tone and atmosphere struck me as apropos. There were a couple of good choices, in particular giving the mentor chopped-off fingers. "This was madness" gave us some insight into our avatar and is another example of a strong choice. And I liked his description of the view down in general. But be careful of always being in the micro when it comes to description and never in the macro.

A couple of thoughts on the premise and your promise to me, the reader. Firstly, I don't really know what the premise is, but at this point I have enough to form some suspicions... If it turns out that this is the real world and these characters are immortal, I would not buy this book. It is difficult, if not impossible, to remove existential stakes from your protag characters and have the reader want to read it. You would have to have an exceptional soft magic economy to balance this out, where consequences do come into play, and fairly easily too (like Kryptonite but more effectively a drawback). And you'd have to be very smart about what flaws you give your characters. Also, they would have to not only be immortal but super-healers, because healing from this drop would take a long period of time and come with latent physical issues. A super-healing which reduces the consequences even further. Wolverine is an incredible healer, but he is not also immortal, I'll note. And there are ways of dealing with such powerful protags but they're not helpful for telling a story. If I'm an enemy, I'd be sitting at the bottom of this apartment building waiting for the inevitable loss of consciousness from the impact. Toss the two pancakes into a bank vault, weld it shut and then sink it to the bottom of the Marianas Trench and let them wake up and spend their immortality there, out of my way.

If this is not the real world, then this story is going to suffer from inevitable comparisons to The Matrix, while also dealing with the fact that the PoV is expressing as if he believes this scene is real. Consequences can't be merely short term pain either. But if pain is part of the consequences, then you should be describing that brief but intense pain when they hit ground, not the brief visual.

As you are a discovery writer, I don't know how far down the track you've taken your locomotive, but you really need to think about those premise issues and spend some time on setting or world-building before going any further. If you already have that all worked out and feel it is airtight, then by all means, carry on. But keep in mind, that as a discovery writer, you're not lessening the workload, but moving it from before the first draft to after the first draft. That is, you are going to have to re-work and rewrite a lot more than a non-discovery writer. That's the trade-off, the economy of the soft magic of story-telling. What you face that non-discovery writers don't is that you can end up spending a lot of time on a story that doesn't work in the end. That time is gone, lost forever. And without the upfront planning, you will have difficulty spotting stories that don't work, because all of us writers fall in love with our own storytelling. It doesn't help too that these inherent story flaws tend to be more evident later in the story. Tough to get the middle of a story critiqued without a full beta-read, so you need to be spending good money on that service with everything you write. I'm not saying that's the case here. I'm just saying these are issues you are going to be dealing with your entire career as a discovery writer.

Regardless, thank you so much for sharing your story. Happy writing and best of luck!

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

Great start. I enjoyed it a lot. So much has already been said so I'll limit my 2 cents.

he joined the falling rain, followed it down and down past a blur of glass and chrome

I like the image "he joined the falling rain" quite a lot. For me this evoked a weird equilibrium of everything falling at the same speed, etc. ,etc. which isn't precisely true in this circumstance anyway.

 

[otaylor]

@Paul J. Menzies - thanks for the extended drubbing It's always good to work on toughening one's skin, but genuinely I really appreciate the effort and the input. Combined with other people's comments, there's definitely a lot to think about. The prologue (or whatever it should be appropriately called) has proved divisive. I'm torn, because it is doing something quite specific (I'll elaborate in my response to your comments on the other excerpt). A few people here and some who have read the novel liked it, and others didn't. This whole process is great though because, with the help of the forum, some stuff is definite standing out to my own critical radar more and earning the chop, even though I've looked back at this a few times.
Quick note on the discovery writer thing - you're right. So many difficulties. I'm trying to write something new and not get bogged down in this one. I just finished it (this book) last year, it's my first one, and I just wrote it through from this opening scene until the end with a vague idea of where I was going. Then I went back and tried to tighten it up a bit, but that's probably where a lot of the 'mystery' came from... plus I also wanted the mystery thing, but maybe I didn't do that so well. Effective editing has proved seriously difficult, which is what I'm here for! Plus the community, of course
@Cthulhu.Science - thanks! I'm glad you liked that bit, even though it was taking some artistic licence