SF blurb help please

[Toby Frost]

I quite like Humani. Personally, I tend to be a bit wary (not downright put off though) by titles that include made up words, but it's so clearly derived from "human" that it works fine for me.

There must be an old Western with a title like "His Name Means Vengeance" or the like, as the "His Name Means..." structure reminds me of that, but I think that's just me. I did wonder about a title like "The Man Who..." which can sound a bit twee but wouldn't here. It's a shame that phrases like "the machine god" are closely associated with Warhammer. I agree with Wayne Mack that it might help to know what the rejected concept is.

 

[mrmcduff]

The first sentence is gold.

"Half a million" coming right after that feels awkward to me. It's less poetic than that singular hook at the start.

"Into this ghastly land Abiuravi is born, determined to break the great cycle of death and reincarnation which anchors his people, the Humani, but which his cousins, the Simi who die once, do not follow."
-- Everything after "...which anchors his people, the Humani" feels like it should be separate. I'd ditch the Simi altogether or put them in their own sentence that tells us what their role in the story is.

"Abiuravi, driven and brilliant, assembles a team with whom he attempts the impossible."

Adding the "driven and brilliant" part feels a wee bit cliche to me. What are they attempting? Making the voyage in the first sentence?

-- Hope this helps! Best of luck.

 

[NurAL]

Hi Chronners, what do you think of this?

.

His Name Means Abjure

Abiuravi has one goal in life - to cross the River Stygos and reach Divinita in the sky without first dying.

Half a million years from now there is almost no carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, green plants have vanished, and oxygen is depleting fast. Into this ghastly land Abiuravi is born, determined to break the great cycle of death and reincarnation which anchors his people, the Humani, but which his cousins, the Simi who die once, do not follow.

Abiuravi, driven and brilliant, assembles a team with whom he attempts the impossible. Yet he knows nothing of the new fracture within Divinita, let alone how that rupture is an integral part of his life. For Divinita has owners, and they are machines.

From the blurb, I get this is a sci-fi novel set in the earth's future? Um, you don't have to detail the environment at this point I think, it actually detracts me from the story. So, Abiuravi doesn't want to die, right... But why? I'm sorry but it's a ghastly land and it sounds like humans are now living a miserable life. If I were him, what I fear the most would not be death itself, but to be reincarnated into a worse earth than in the previous life. The world sounds interesting though and I appreciate it that you include an environmental theme in your story.

 

[Stephen Palmer]

Hi again everyone!

OK... so I've read through all your comments again, and based a revised blurb on @Jo Zebedee 's comment. Here it is, with changed novel title:

The Humani

Half a million years from now on a hothouse Earth, there is almost no carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, green plants have vanished, and oxygen is depleted.

Born into this devastated world, Abiuravi is determined to cross the River Stygos alive in order to reach Divinita in the sky. A one-life zealot, he burns with rage. Once in Divinita he plans to break the great cycle of death and reincarnation which anchors his people, the Humani, but which his cousins, the Simi who die once, do not follow.

Driven and brilliant, Abiuravi assembles a team to attempt this impossible task. But he does not know that a fracture has opened up inside Divinita, one that threatens his plans - even his life. For Divinita has owners, and they are machines.

***

Your comments have also made me realise that the cover illustration needs to feature Divinita. At the moment I'm kinda imagining it in early Bruce Pennington mode!

For those interested, here is the original thread from 13 years ago where I somewhat excitedly introduced the novel...

Chapter One...

Hello everyone. Having not written anything novel length for 4-5 years, I find myself enjoying my well-earned summer holiday by beginning a new SF novel, which is going really well so far... Here's the opening scenes, do feel free to let me know your thoughts... Steve...

www.sffchronicles.com

Big thanks to you all once again! I'm hoping to publish in September.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

That works for me (but I would say that…. )

 

[Stephen Palmer]

 

[Stephen Palmer]

 

[Stephen Palmer]

 

[Stephen Palmer]

Mood board images...