The arrest

[msstice]

1430 words. Been a while since I came here for critique. This is a sample, taken from near the end of my book. It is the start of a chapter. I believe that it is understandable on its own, though it refers to things that happened previously. I ended up posting more than I planned to because I wanted the story to come to an interesting point. Sorry it got so close to the limit.


"I'm very sorry to have to do this, Hamlin," said the young man walking on his left. The man on the right nodded silently. The two were worryingly uniform in appearance and bearing. Except that the silent one on the right wore a comically large mustache. And carried a stun stick prominently hung from a utility belt.

Hamlin wrapped Dom more tightly in the blanket. He chose his words with care. "You're just doing your job."

"Real shame we can't verify your story. We could skip all this paperwork."

Paperwork. Nice euphemism for arrest. Is there a school now where the kids can learn such euphemisms? A militia school?

He shifted Dom from his right armpit to his left and smiled inwardly when the guard's hand went to cover his nose.

"You don't have any backups of the log?"

Subtly, politely, innocently, the guard had asked that question in different ways between the loading bay and here.

Whoever had removed that crucial section from his log had skills, access, and computing power. It could be any one of the so-called guard that had received him at the loading bay. It could be either of these two jokers frog marching him to Girivar's office. It could be all of them.

"Even a low quality one, off a buffer cache somewhere? That would be enough to skip all this nonsense."

They had come to a stop in front of The Chancellor's office. The ornate doorway had been the main entrance to Ishana's palace.

"Even if I did, I wouldn't be showing it to you."

The guard did a decent job of looking outraged. "And why not? May I remind you it is a crime against society to conceal evidence from an investigator."

"And what is it when you tamper with evidence?"

The guard opened his mouth to say something, but pressed the doorbell instead.

The man with the mustache spoke for the first time. He spoke quietly. Perhaps he felt his tone was more menacing that way. And it might have been, had he not had the mustache.

"It's not going to do much good to see the chancellor," the mustache waggled. "All the real evidence points to you. We'll be pressing charges, even if you are the famous Hamlin."

Dom hissed and spat from inside the blanket.

Hamlin looked at the guard sideways. "That's right Dom. Dom says you should shave your mustache. It makes you look stupid."

The man went very red in the face.

The door to the Chancellor's office slid open. Hamlin stepped in quickly, leaving the two behind at the threshold. It was like stepping into a time warp. The antechamber looked exactly the same as it had done under Ishana. The illusion was completed by the woman behind the high desk. She was the same one who had served as gatekeeper for Ishana. She did not seem to recognize him.

The first guard leaned in through the door and said, "This is Hamlin, Chancellor Girivar is expecting him."

The woman tilted her head back slightly when she looked at Hamlin. "You'll have to wait. He's in a meeting."

"Wait?"

"Yes, wait."

"You have a waiting room?"

"No."

"Ok," said Hamlin. He put Dom down on the receptionist's desk and leaned casually against it.

The receptionist rose and backed away, much like she had done that day, when he had burst in with his mob.

"What in Goddess is that?"

"My cat."

"Your-- Why did you bring your cat to a business meeting?"

"I'm a criminal mastermind. The cat is my side-kick."

Dom hissed at the receptionist.

The guard leaned in again. "He's not--, he's not a criminal. There's just been a misunderstanding, but he insisted on seeing the Chancellor."

Hamlin stroked the nape of Dom's neck. "Do you have any food? Dom here is hungry."

The receptionist had covered her mouth.

"This is not a restaurant. He smells horrible. This is disrespectful of the Chancellor's office."

Hamlin leaned forward. "You don't recognize me do you?"

"N-No."

Hamlin held up his right hand over his head, pretending to wield a barstool with a polished wooden circular seat.

The woman gave a quiet squeak. "Goddess! It's you!"

The inner door past the receptionist's desk swung up and Avni stormed out.

She went straight to the receptionist. "I need another slot with the Chancellor, I'm not done with him."

The receptionist looked down the barrel of her nose at her. "Send me a reminder, I'll see when he's open."

"I want to set up the appointment now. Show me his calendar." Avni stopped and looked round the room. "What is that smell?"

She saw Hamlin. "Hey! I didn't know you'd be here."

Avni's lower jaw slacked a bit as she saw what was perched on the small desk. "Is that Dom!"

She reached out and grabbed him and cradled him. Dom pressed against her white suit, purring loudly, leaving dark smudges. "Hamlin, where did you find him? Oh, my god, why did you bring him here? He needs a bath, decontamination, and food."

She looked him up and down, noticing his flight suit, and then the two men behind him, in the doorway.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm under arrest," Hamlin said brightly. "Acts against society. I'm a dangerous man, Avni."

Avni lowered her brows.

The guard leaned into the room. "He's not-- he's not under arrest. But it's a serious matter, and he insists on seeing The Chancellor."

"We should do away with all this special treatment," said the mustached one, almost growling. "Just because someone was part of the revolution. He should be put under investigation like anyone else would be."

Hamlin pointed back at the guard, looking at Avni. "Don't you think his mustache makes him look stupid?"

Avni poked Hamlin on the collar bone. "Serious matter? What did Gery get you into now?"

The receptionist waved to him with her free hand. "The Chancellor will see you now," she said, her voice muffled behind her hand.

Hamlin took Dom back, wrapped him into the blanket again and walked to the inner door.

"I'm coming with you," said Avni, following close. "Oh give it up, princess," she said to the receptionist. "I doubt you can smell anything over the liter of perfume you're wearing."

Girivar's office was small and functional. He was hunched over a desk littered with parchment, arguing with his manager.

He saw Avni first. "Sorry, Avni, the discussion is over. We can't divert any resources for another Terran mission."

"Ah, Hamlin," he said after a moment. He wrinkled his nose. "What's that you're carrying? Ah, yes, the famous cat. So what is all this about." He looked past them. "Ah, yes, I was told The Guard had to bring you in over some misunderstanding or the other."

The two militiamen squeezed into the room, on either side.

"We caught him--," began mustache.

"Yes, yes. I read the arrest report." Girivar stood up and put both hands on his desk.

"Gentlemen, this is the one and only Hamlin. One half of the famous team we all owe our lives to." He made a sweeping gesture towards Avni. "The other half also being here."

"Gentlemen, I ask you, does it make sense, that the man who saved our world, with those miraculous Sentinels, would be skulking in the shadows, trying to sabotage one of those same Sentinels?"

"We caught him in the act--" In his mind Hamlin could see the mustache waggling as the guard spoke.

Girivar put a hand out towards Hamlin, then snatched it back when Dom hissed. "Hamlin, Hamlin, I assume you were on a research trip, or something--"

Hamlin fished out the memory block from his pocket. The memory block he had recovered from the drone. The one he had pressed deep into one of his pockets when he realized they were going to escort him from the pod. When he realized someone had gotten past his guardians and was sniffing round the pod logs.

He showed the block to Girivar. Then to the two guards. "I've sent out copies to friends, by the way, in case you get any funny ideas." It was a lie.

He had expected the guards to be surprised. But not Girivar.

"Well, what is that Hamlin? The complete log?"

There was a funny inflection in Girivar's voice.

For a moment he considered saying "Yes", to see the reactions. The complete log had enough telemetry to identify the pod that sabotaged the Sentinel. Only someone who had seen the log would know this for sure.

 

[Swank]

said the young man walking on his left. The man on the right nodded silently. The two were worryingly uniform in appearance and bearing. Except that the silent one on the right wore a comically large mustache. And carried a stun stick prominently hung from a utility belt.

There is absolutely nothing interesting to the reader about the lateral alignment of the speakers. Remove all the left/right discussion. Try not to picture the scene in a cinematic way and picture it from the POV of a character and what they care about. Is the man speaking behind his shoulder, uncomfortably out of view? Does his voice have menace?

Also, the stick dangling from his belt is clearly being carried; no need to state that.

The woman tilted her head back slightly when she looked at Hamlin

What is this supposed to tell the reader?



I'm not sure why there is so much caginess about whether Hamlin is in trouble or not. Overall, it is unclear why anything is happening, why the cat stinks, etc. That works fine inside a story, but as an excerpt it creates the impression that the mysteries in the excerpt should have clues.

Overall, I don't know what this excerpt accomplishes. It might be perfectly good connective tissue, but there is little story contained in it. It is pregnant with future events. but not drama.

 

[msstice]

@Swank thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the sample.

there is little story contained in it. It is pregnant with future events. but not drama.

I have to figure out if that is bad. This scene flowed out without much tactical or strategic thought, and I felt I had some voice in it. There was a rather tense episode in the preceding chapter and chapters before that (this is near the end): it was fun to write as a bit of light relief. However, I don't think you found it light hearted, so maybe it's not working.

My aim is to not have loose prose, so even a light hearted passage like this should advance plot/character/backstory/world and I suspect the clues I tried to put in are not prominent enough. There is a question of context from the preceding chapters, but it sounds like this is not strong enough.

 

[Swank]

@Swank thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the sample.


I have to figure out if that is bad. This scene flowed out without much tactical or strategic thought, and I felt I had some voice in it. There was a rather tense episode in the preceding chapter and chapters before that (this is near the end): it was fun to write as a bit of light relief. However, I don't think you found it light hearted, so maybe it's not working.

My aim is to not have loose prose, so even a light hearted passage like this should advance plot/character/backstory/world and I suspect the clues I tried to put in are not prominent enough. There is a question of context from the preceding chapters, but it sounds like this is not strong enough.

I wasn't sure how much of this was follow up. Clearly some of it was. I guess my issue partially comes down to how unclear the jeopardy to the main character is. The people arresting him seem like they are not confident in their power to do so.

But more comedy would make the passage more worthwhile.


That said, I don't think everything needs to serve the plot - but it needs to serve something. Break the mood with humor, show a different perspective on events, colorize the world, etc. So I would decide what this passage is mainly about, then ramp up that aspect. Or, if you don't see it accomplishing anything, skip it and start the scene in the office. The cops and secretary can still do their bits in the dean's office.

 

[Danny McG]

I can see what you're doing....
There's a cat called Dom and an undescribed called Gery

Avni poked Hamlin on the collar bone. "Serious matter? What did Gery get you into now?"

So you're building up to some pun about Dom and Gery aren't you?

 

[msstice]

The people arresting him seem like they are not confident in their power to do so.

That's good that came across!

Hamlin is the equivalent of a folk hero. In addition to all the other stuff that happened, there's been a revolution and this fella Girivar has taken over leadership from a rather nasty previous leader and Hamlin was part of that revolution.
(And now I realize I could have put just this bit of context in to help. I'm learnin' me. I'm learnin' me.)

But Hamlin is suspicious that the new management is just more of the old management. The guards are kind of brownshirts in training, and "mustache" is all into the wielding of power, while the other one is more civilized. This is a microcosm of wider society which is fracturing along several fault lines after being briefly united, and I wanted to start showing those fault lines (this is one example).

But obviously my "subtle clues" to this were not good, so I'll work on that.

 

[Wayne Mack]

This section provides an interesting reveal at the end and the lead in to the reveal is appropriately slow paced, but with enough activity so that it does not feel like it is dragging.

I always find it challenging to review a section of text that is well into the story, as I have missed some of the often critical context.

As a reader, the thing that bothered me the most (and is the easiest to fix) is the arbitrary paragraph breaks. I usually expect a paragraph break to signal a transition in focus from one character to another, yet there were often instances where the thoughts, actions, and speech of a single character were broken into multiple paragraphs. Several times, I was confused as to which character was acting or speaking and it interrupted my reading flow to have to stop and figure out who said or did what.

I also did not have a feel as to why the certain actions were occurring; they felt somewhat arbitrary. I often find that it is helpful to give the reader a purpose that the PoV is trying to accomplish. Apparently, Hamlin had a reason to see the Chancellor. Stating this explicitly gives a sense of progress as Hamlin marches through the city, meets the secretary, and then enters the Chancellor's office. This left me confused about how to interpret the meeting with Avni. Was it expected, i.e., things were proceeding as planned, or was it unexpected, i.e., things were going awry? Likewise for the reveal at the end. Without knowing Hamlin's purpose, I am not certain whether the reveal was what Hamlin expected, i.e., his purpose accomplished, or was it unexpected, i.e., Hamlin's plans are derailed.

Some more minor nits that border on my personal preferences. I felt much of the dialog was over tagged and I never got a feel of back and forth conversation. The line that said "Avni stormed out" made me think that a character named Avni had exited the reception area. I believe it should be "Avni stormed in." I was also unclear whether she had come in from the hallway or from the Chancellor's office.

This section certainly accomplishes its goal of revealing an unexpected piece of information to the reader and that helps build excitement and tension. For me, however, some tweaks are needed to maintain reading flow.

 

[msstice]

@Wayne Mack thank you for taking the time to read the sample, and write up feedback. This is very actionable feedback and helps me a great deal!

As a reader, the thing that bothered me the most (and is the easiest to fix) is the arbitrary paragraph breaks. I usually expect a paragraph break to signal a transition in focus from one character to another, yet there were often instances where the thoughts, actions, and speech of a single character were broken into multiple paragraphs. Several times, I was confused as to which character was acting or speaking and it interrupted my reading flow to have to stop and figure out who said or did what.

Totally unaware of this. I have to pay more attention and read up about this. I may be mislead by how I write: I use a pain text editor with a line wrap at 80 characters and make paragraph breaks every few lines or so:

Perhaps I am overzealous. I do try to change para with speaker change, but have to pay more attention.

I also did not have a feel as to why the certain actions were occurring; they felt somewhat arbitrary. I often find that it is helpful to give the reader a purpose that the PoV is trying to accomplish. Apparently, Hamlin had a reason to see the Chancellor. Stating this explicitly gives a sense of progress

The previous chapter ends with him being "caught" by someone (not necessarily these guards) but even with that background, you are right in that I don't given enough of a sense of purpose for what's happening, especially why they're headed for the Chancellor.

This left me confused about how to interpret the meeting with Avni. Was it expected, i.e., things were proceeding as planned, or was it unexpected, i.e., things were going awry?

I may have overloaded this: wanted to show Avni engaged in a tussle of her own with the Chancellor over resources, but it may overcomplicate this scene, and I should show that separately.

I felt much of the dialog was over tagged and I never got a feel of back and forth conversation.

Noted.

Thanks again!