Is This Better?

[Lafayette]

Interlude 1 B​

In a room with deep, looming massive shadows, two men, one tall, one short, leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball. The figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

“Damn it! Damn it! What ‘as happened to the images, wizard?” roared the standing white-haired man, throwing a half empty whiskey bottle at the hoverball, thus breaking its glass-like shell. “I don’t shee anything, including that beer guzzling bitch.”

“Unfortunately, my lord,” slurred the short man in brown, “my spies have all died,”

“That I can see, mage, lisped the tall man. “Thanks to that Timberman and that red-haired boy.”

“What I can’t see,” replied the short man, “my lord, is why you’re so upshet?”

“The Vanadon bitch iss there, that’s what,” snapped the tall man belching. “What is she doing there?”

“Vadoorah, being there is merely a co-incidence,” slurred the mage. “You heard her zhay she only sought the Olden One for a cure for her cancer. She knowsh nothing of the object or of magic. You should be elated that she will soon die of her plague.”

“True. True. But now she has allies, a development that gives me discomfort.”

“It shouldn’t, my lord, you do not need to worry,” the small man smiled with glazed eyes. “The Timbermen are scorn by all Shannamir and and dish one is no exception. Vadoorah will do nothing. You have her daughter captive. And, and dees swordsmen, are nothing to your grand army.”

For a moment, the tall one swayed as he contemplated, “You’re correct. They will do her no good. And besides, we heard her and the Timberman zhay they are lost. They don’t know how to get back to Shannamir.” The tall one belched as he laughed. “We can thank the redheaded killer for that. If he spared one Ord, they would have talked.” Sighing, he added, “It’s almost too bad, for I would have loved to match blades with the punk.”

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hey, Lafayette. Good to see you're working to improve this. I've written up some thoughts on your opening two paragraphs. I think this entire piece needs tightening, and maybe the thoughts I express on your opening will show what I mean. As an aside, there are some punctutaion errors throughout, that you should consider; as an example:

“That I can see, mage, lisped the tall man.
You've forgotten a quotation mark; this should be:
“That I can see, mage," lisped the tall man.
~

I am really picky, so don't mind that, please... I'm not trying to be critical in a negative way, but I hoped writing my thoughts might show you what some readers could be confused by, with the way this excerpt is written. Also, I am long-winded, sorry:

Here are some thoughts on your first two paragraphs (just my observations, and they can be easily ignored):

Your opening:

In a room with deep, looming massive shadows, two men, one tall, one short, leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball. The figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

“Damn it! Damn it! What ‘as happened to the images, wizard?” roared the standing white-haired man, throwing a half empty whiskey bottle at the hoverball, thus breaking its glass-like shell. “I don’t shee anything, including that beer guzzling bitch.”

First, there are three adjectives back to back to back to modify the word 'shadows', in the first sentence. 'Massive' seems unnecessary here, I'd delete it.
Or perhaps delete deep…. 'massive, looming shadows'.

(Also, do we know, from earlier scenes, what this room is? Or is it described in detail soon, in the story? Otherwise, I'd wonder why they're in this room specifically. And why a room is evidently so large as to allow deep, looming massive shadows. Deep shadows, okay… looming, perhaps, but deep, massive, looming shadows makes me guess they're in some exceptionally high, wide room in, say, a castle. Is there significance to their being in this huge room?)
~

In the first 14 words of paragraph one, there are five commas (because of adjectives - and there should be a sixth, as written, after 'looming'). How about this:

In a room with deep, massive shadows, two men - one tall, one short - leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball.
(Also, I'd make 'blood-shot' 'bloodshot').
~

I'm not sure if 'leered' is the best word here. Are the two men looking at this tableau in a lascivious way, or are they glancing sidelong at the scene? If not, perhaps 'glared', or something similar?
~

RE: this sentence:
The figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

There's something here that seems confusing to me, on the surface.
There are three subjects/nouns in the first sentence - shadows, men, hoverball. I don't know what hoverball is, and I wonder if your readers would know by now what hoverball is? If not, then I am confused as to what figures, exactly, swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.
Are there figures in the looming shadows that whirled and evaporated? Did the two men evaporate (are they maybe projected into this room)? Is hoverball a game that involves people competing against each other, and if so, is it the figures of these competitors that swirled, and then evaporated? From this sample, since you mention 'a hoverball' instead of, say, 'a hoverball match', I might assume that you are talking about just the image of a type of ball, as though you might have said, 'a basketball'. If someone said 'here's an image of a basketball' I wouldn't expect to see a group of people competing in a basketball game, just the basketball itself… or from your paragraph here, just the hoverball, itself. I hope you see what I mean. What are the figures, here?

edit - or is a hoverball a dance? I hope your readers know by this point in the book, otherwise it's confusing.
~

… roared the standing white-haired man…

I'm not sure why it's necessary to mention that this person is standing. I think we'd never wonder whether the person was standing if it wasn't mentioned - we'd just assume it. And now that you've made the point of mentioning that one of your two characters is standing, I'd expect to find out very soon that the other person is kneeling or sitting, or collapsed onto the earth. But if you decide to keep 'standing', there should be a comma immediately after it.
~


'a half empty whiskey bottle'
I'd add a hyphen in here:
'a half-empty whiskey bottle'
~

…throwing a half-empty whiskey bottle at the hoverball, thus breaking its glass-like shell.

Okay, we now find out that the hoverball has a glass shell. A few things, then. You mentioned above 'the images of a hoverball'. An image, to me, would be like a projection, an insubstantial rendering of an object. But if the two men in the room are seeing only an image of a hoverball, as stated, how is one able to hit this image (so again if it's a projection, not a physical reality) with a bottle, and break its glass shell? Or are the images mentioned in that first paragraph not the hoverball's images, but rather the shadows - are there images in the shadows that swirl and evaporate? I guess I'm saying that I don't see how the specific details mentioned in the first paragraph connect properly to the actions in the second paragraph.
And again, in that first paragrpah, you go from 'the images of a hoverball', to 'The figures swirled'. I honestly still don't know what the figures are that are swirling… I wouldn't consider a hoverball to also be a figure… a figure is usually a person, in such phrasing. Honestly, I am not trying to be difficult, but - just my personal opinion, others might disagree - I think you need to have a tighter connection between the descriptions in the first paragraph and references made in the later ones.

Okay, I guess that's it. I was confused a bit by the opening, and I'd be worried others might be, too. Maybe it's just me. But I'd think there needs to be a flow here so that your readers aren't distracted by possible logical errors, or typos, or excessive use of asjectives, etc. I hope something I said might be useful, CC

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Oy, it just hit me that 'the images of a hoverball' might mean that the hoverball is a device that projects remote images into a space (this dark room, for example).
If that's right, you might fix that first sentence by saying something like:

In a room with deep, looming shadows, two men - one tall, one short - glared with bloodshot eyes at the images a hoverball projected of a man and woman talking.
~

If the passage means something like this, are the hoverball images projected against the shadows? Still not sure I'm seeing this scene correctly. In any case, good luck with this... you have a lot of ideas, which is always a good start! CC

 

[Lafayette]

Hey, Lafayette. Good to see you're working to improve this. I've written up some thoughts on your opening two paragraphs.

I appreciate you taking your time to help me.

I think this entire piece needs tightening, and maybe the thoughts I express on your opening will show what I mean. As an aside, there are some punctutaion errors throughout, that you should consider; as an example:

“That I can see, mage, lisped the tall man.
You've forgotten a quotation mark; this should be:
“That I can see, mage," lisped the tall man.

My ProWritingAid is always telling me I'm missing punctuations. Unfortunately, I can't always find them.

I am really picky, so don't mind that, please... I'm not trying to be critical in a negative way,

Pickiness I need and want. I understand that you're trying to help me with a subject that can be difficult.

but I hoped writing my thoughts might show you what some readers could be confused by, with the way this excerpt is written.

I do want the reader to think, but I don't want to confuse them.

Also, I am long-winded, sorry:

I believe I have the same trait. It's that Celtic blood bubbling.

Here are some thoughts on your first two paragraphs (just my observations, and they can be easily ignored):

Your opening:

In a room with deep, looming massive shadows, two men, one tall, one short, leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball. The figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

“Damn it! Damn it! What ‘as happened to the images, wizard?” roared the standing white-haired man, throwing a half empty whiskey bottle at the hoverball, thus breaking its glass-like shell. “I don’t shee anything, including that beer guzzling bitch.”

First, there are three adjectives back to back to back to modify the word 'shadows', in the first sentence. 'Massive' seems unnecessary here, I'd delete it.

Noted.

Or perhaps delete deep…. 'massive, looming shadows'.

I prefer deep it sounds better, but I mean they appear massive.

(Also, do we know, from earlier scenes, what this room is? Or is it described in detail soon, in the story?

No, we don't. I mean for this place to be mysterious. Also, you may have noticed no names are mentioned.

Otherwise, I'd wonder why they're in this room specifically. And why a room is evidently so large as to allow deep, looming massive shadows. Deep shadows, okay… looming, perhaps, but deep, massive, looming shadows makes me guess they're in some exceptionally high, wide room in, say, a castle. Is there significance to their being in this huge room?)

I think of this place kinda like a large den with a large tv set (that is capable of spying) with two guys chug-a-lugging with most of the lights turned off.

In the first 14 words of paragraph one, there are five commas (because of adjectives - and there should be a sixth, as written, after 'looming'). How about this:

In a room with deep, massive shadows, two men - one tall, one short - leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball.

I like it.

(Also, I'd make 'blood-shot' 'bloodshot').

Why? The dictionary renders it 'blood-shot'.

I'm not sure if 'leered' is the best word here. Are the two men looking at this tableau in a lascivious way, or are they glancing sidelong at the scene? If not, perhaps 'glared', or something similar?

You're right leer has the wrong connotation for this scene unless these two are drunker than I (the writer) thought.

RE: this sentence:
The figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

There's something here that seems confusing to me, on the surface.
There are three subjects/nouns in the first sentence - shadows, men, hoverball. I don't know what hoverball is, and I wonder if your readers would know by now what hoverball is?

Maybe. A hoverball is my take-off on a crystal ball except my has an ability to grow to a huge size. I am assuming most fantasy readers know what a crystal ball and can infer that a hoverball is a variation of it.

In a sense, a hoverball is like a television set in that the images can splash and distort on the screen. Am I wrong in assuming this?

If not, then I am confused as to what figures, exactly, swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

The figures inside the hoverball are ones that whirled and evaporate.

Are there figures in the looming shadows that whirled and evaporated? Did the two men evaporate (are they maybe projected into this room)? Is hoverball a game that involves people competing against each other, and if so, is it the figures of these competitors that swirled, and then evaporated? From this sample, since you mention 'a hoverball' instead of, say, 'a hoverball match', I might assume that you are talking about just the image of a type of ball, as though you might have said, 'a basketball'. If someone said 'here's an image of a basketball' I wouldn't expect to see a group of people competing in a basketball game, just the basketball itself… or from your paragraph here, just the hoverball, itself. I hope you see what I mean. What are the figures, here?

edit - or is a hoverball a dance? I hope your readers know by this point in the book, otherwise it's confusing.
~

… roared the standing white-haired man…

I'm not sure why it's necessary to mention that this person is standing.

One of my critiquers said or implied that my characters needed to display action: Are the characters standing or sitting? Are their movements clumsy? Do they stumble or knock things over?

I think we'd never wonder whether the person was standing if it wasn't mentioned - we'd just assume it. And now that you've made the point of mentioning that one of your two characters is standing, I'd expect to find out very soon that the other person is kneeling or sitting, or collapsed onto the earth. But if you decide to keep 'standing', there should be a comma immediately after it.

'a half empty whiskey bottle'
I'd add a hyphen in here:
'a half-empty whiskey bottle'
~

…throwing a half-empty whiskey bottle at the hoverball, thus breaking its glass-like shell.

Okay, we now find out that the hoverball has a glass shell. A few things, then. You mentioned above 'the images of a hoverball'. An image, to me, would be like a projection, an insubstantial rendering of an object. But if the two men in the room are seeing only an image of a hoverball, as stated, how is one able to hit this image (so again if it's a projection, not a physical reality) with a bottle, and break its glass shell?

The hoverball is like a tv in that it can broadcast live images and like a tv set can be broken if someone throws something at it.

or are the images mentioned in that first paragraph not the hoverball's images, but rather the shadows - are there images in the shadows that swirl and evaporate? I guess I'm saying that I don't see how the specific details mentioned in the first paragraph connect properly to the actions in the second paragraph.
And again, in that first paragrpah, you go from 'the images of a hoverball', to 'The figures swirled'. I honestly still don't know what the figures are that are swirling… I wouldn't consider a hoverball to also be a figure… a figure is usually a person, in such phrasing. Honestly, I am not trying to be difficult, but - just my personal opinion, others might disagree - I think you need to have a tighter connection between the descriptions in the first paragraph and references made in the later ones.

Okay, I guess that's it. I was confused a bit by the opening, and I'd be worried others might be, too. Maybe it's just me. But I'd think there needs to be a flow here so that your readers aren't distracted by possible logical errors, or typos, or excessive use of asjectives, etc. I hope something I said might be useful, CC

I will rethink this some more. Thank you for your time.

 

[PadreTX]

I had to push myself to read through it.

The first sentence with the 5 commas, that set the tone for difficult to read. The older character is using some slang or has problems speaking. That makes it more difficult to follow the story.

I read the first sentence as the hoverball is an image. Later, it breaks. That threw me off, and I never got back to being able to understand the story.

The conversation for the short man in brown read fine. I did not have a problem with that.

What I think would help is to present the beginning of the story in a way that's easy to read. Less commas, no slang. The variation in speech could be presented later once the setting is understood.

 

[Swank]

Seems like straight dialogue with dialogue tags inserted to tell the reader that they are drunk - despite the dialogue being very sober.

My suggestion - write this without the tags, or with character tags like in a play. Then read it and decide if the characters seem drunk. Are they getting confused? Stumbling over their words or getting their grammar mixed up? Finding humor inappropriately? Losing the thread of the conversation?

Aside from dialogue, are the characters doing drunk things? Are they stumbling about, making drinks, asking where the ale is?

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I'm sorry I wrote in such detail. I'd gotten two hours sleep the night before, and when I don't sleep, I write crazy critiques.

Small thing, but I checked the Merriam-Webster, Oxford, and Cambridge dictionaries and all have bloodshot as one word. But if you have a dictionary that prefers it hyphenated, that's cool.
~

It's good to have mystery, so keeping the room mysterious is fine. I think if you make it clearer that it's not an image of a hoverball the two are watching, but rather images projected/appearing on a hoverball's screen, it would clear things up. So, here's a slight modification of your opening:

In a room with deep, massive shadows, two men - one tall, one short - glared with bloodshot eyes at images passing across the hoverball's screen. Figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.
~

I agree that the two have a very straightforward conversation, that progresses their thoughts/logic in such a way that they don't really sound drunk to me. There are a few slurred words thrown into the dialogue, and we're told with the tags that each slurs, or lisps, or sways, but it comes across in almost every instance as us being informed they are drunk, rather than the characters seeming organically drunk. I've never tried to write drunk characters, so I'm not really sure how to do it. Maybe others can advise.

You have a story to tell, so keep working on it. Good luck with it, CC

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Just a final thought. I haven't wanted to suggest too many changes, because that can be overwhelming. But I do think you could improve the flow of this by getting rid of the 'one tall, one short' bit at the beginning. Drop in hints of their physical appearance as the piece develops. (I'd also lose the word 'standing', to be honest). Maybe something like this:

In a room with deep, massive shadows, two men glared with bloodshot eyes at images passing across the hoverball's screen. Figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

“Damn it! Damn it! What ‘as happened to the images, wizard?” roared the towering, white-haired man.

Just a thought.
(Also, for reasons I won't go into, I think you'd benefit from losing the word 'The' before the word 'figures' in the above piece, as it was originally written.)
~

And a radical idea - maybe the two don't have to be drunk? If writing believably drunk characters is a challenge, maybe have these two be sober. The one person can still throw a bottle of whiskey at the hoverball, if you like. Then, at the end of the piece, before you move on to the next scene, you could have the white-haired man tell the wizard to go get him more whiskey, he could even say something like, "Get me more whiskey. I want to get drunk."

Okay, again best of luck with this, CC

 

[Lafayette]

I had to push myself to read through it.

The first sentence with the 5 commas, that set the tone for difficult to read.

I don't see why. Can you explain why using five commas is bad?

The older character is using some slang

What slang?

or has problems speaking.

I want the characters to have some problem speaking clearly because they are drunk. I want the readers to know that they are drunk. Drunkenness is one the elements that makes this two men who they are.

That makes it more difficult to follow the story.

I read the first sentence as the hoverball is an image.

Perhaps, I should have said, "... leered with blood-shot eyes at the projected images of a hoverball."?

Later, it breaks.

The hoverball is a like a tv set in that it has a glass like screen which can be broken if something is thrown at it like a whiskey bottle which is what happened.

That threw me off, and I never got back to being able to understand the story.

The conversation for the short man in brown read fine. I did not have a problem with that.

One out of two is getting better.

What I think would help is to present the beginning of the story in a way that's easy to read. Less commas, no slang. The variation in speech could be presented later once the setting is understood.

 

[Lafayette]

Seems like straight dialogue with dialogue tags inserted to tell the reader that they are drunk

I was trying to show and not tell. Did I fail at this?

- despite the dialogue being very sober.

My suggestion - write this without the tags, or with character tags like in a play. Then read it and decide if the characters seem drunk. Are they getting confused? Stumbling over their words or getting their grammar mixed up? Finding humor inappropriately? Losing the thread of the conversation?

I'll think about this idea. Thanks for the suggestion.

Aside from dialogue, are the characters doing drunk things? Are they stumbling about, making drinks, asking where the ale is?

I don't want either one of the two men appear to be rip roaring drunk , but sleepy drunk until events stirs the taller one to a violent emotional outburst.

 

[Lafayette]

I'm sorry I wrote in such detail. I'd gotten two hours sleep the night before, and when I don't sleep, I write crazy critiques.

Small thing, but I checked the Merriam-Webster, Oxford, and Cambridge dictionaries and all have bloodshot as one word. But if you have a dictionary that prefers it hyphenated, that's cool.

I looked again and you're mostly correct. I found only one dictionary with a hyphen.

It's good to have mystery, so keeping the room mysterious is fine. I think if you make it clearer that it's not an image of a hoverball the two are watching, but rather images projected/appearing on a hoverball's screen, it would clear things up. So, here's a slight modification of your opening:

That I will do.

In a room with deep, massive shadows, two men - one tall, one short - glared with bloodshot eyes at images passing across the hoverball's screen. Figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.
~

I agree that the two have a very straightforward conversation, that progresses their thoughts/logic in such a way that they don't really sound drunk to me. There are a few slurred words thrown into the dialogue, and we're told with the tags that each slurs, or lisps, or sways, but it comes across in almost every instance as us being informed they are drunk, rather than the characters seeming organically drunk. I've never tried to write drunk characters, so I'm not really sure how to do it. Maybe others can advise.

It appears I need to improve my Show and Not Tell skills.

You have a story to tell, so keep working on it. Good luck with it, CC

 

[Swank]

I was trying to show and not tell. Did I fail at this?

I suppose. The characters don't behave or act drunk. Instead they are labeled with drunk associated tags.

 

[Lafayette]

I suppose. The characters don't behave or act drunk. Instead they are labeled with drunk associated tags.

Thanks for replying. Going over it again I see what you mean. I'll have figure out a way to get around this.

 

[PadreTX]

I had to push myself to read through it.

The first sentence with the 5 commas, that set the tone for difficult to read.

I don't see why. Can you explain why using five commas is bad?


For me, reading anything. More commas make the sentence longer than should be. I am trying to understand what is going on in the sentence. It would be easier to comprehend if the one sentence with five commas was split into two or more sentences. Instead of reading naturally, I had to push myself to read it. However, that's me. Others may not have a problem reading a sentence with five commas.

What slang?

What ‘as
Vanadon bitch iss

I didn't pick up when reading it that they were drunk. Now I know.

 

[Swank]

Thanks for replying. Going over it again I see what you mean. I'll have figure out a way to get around this.

There are two easy ways to get around it:
Change the dialogue to include drunk grammar and word order errors, along with asides about their activies, or:
Remove all references to drink and play the scene straight.

The first one is easy. You can do it!

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I had to push myself to read through it.

The first sentence with the 5 commas, that set the tone for difficult to read.

Lafayette: I don't see why. Can you explain why using five commas is bad?
~

I'm a hobbyist writer only, but I will try to explain this in a way that might make sense. First, as this sentence is written, there really should be six commas (there should be one between looming and massive):

In a room with deep, looming, massive shadows, two men, one tall, one short, leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball.

Okay, one use of a comma is to separate words in a list; and adjectives are words that modify/describe nouns. So, with 'shadows' you use three adjectives... in effect, you have a list of adjectives, and each requires its own comma. Each comma also indicates a short pause in the flow of a sentence. So, reading the opening sentence as it's written, gives (to my ear) the following rhythmic pattern (try reading the sentence out loud, maybe):

In a room with deep (pause) looming (pause) massive shadows (pause) two men (pause) one tall (pause) one short (pause) leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball.

I hope that makes sense. As you've written the opening sentence, it's got a very slow flow, and doesn't necessarily entice the reader to want to charge forward with the story. I've suggested a possible solution to this, above:

In a room with deep, massive shadows, two men glared with bloodshot eyes at images passing across the hoverball's screen. Figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

Only two commas in this first sentence, and with none in the second, your readers won't get bogged down at the start. Not that you can't use commas, they're really important, but maybe cut back the use of adjectives in some cases to help the flow of the words, CC

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

I think there are just too many sentences that could be improved. You can get away with one or two sub-optimal sentences within a passage, but if there are too many it gets tiring for the reader. Take this, for example:

“What I can’t see,” replied the short man, “my lord, is why you’re so upshet?”

This should be:

“What I can’t see my lord,” replied the short man, “is why you’re so upshet?”

In other words, break the speech up at a point that feels natural (where there would normally be a comma or full stop). You do this successfully in the sentence immediately following (beginning "The Vanadon...").

Describe things that are important for the reader's understanding of the plot, characters and world. Skip things that are not. Does it really matter that one is tall and one is short? If so, include it. One of the men being older, or better dressed, or better spoken might be indicative of a status difference between them that you want to emphasize (rather than simply stating it as a fact). That is a good example of show-don't-tell. All too often we see descriptions being wasted - serving no purpose other than the writer trying to transpose their mental image of a scene onto the reader.

 

[Lafayette]

Lafayette: I don't see why. Can you explain why using five commas is bad?
~

I'm a hobbyist writer only, but I will try to explain this in a way that might make sense. First, as this sentence is written, there really should be six commas (there should be one between looming and massive):

In a room with deep, looming, massive shadows, two men, one tall, one short, leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball.

Okay, one use of a comma is to separate words in a list; and adjectives are words that modify/describe nouns. So, with 'shadows' you use three adjectives... in effect, you have a list of adjectives, and each requires its own comma. Each comma also indicates a short pause in the flow of a sentence. So, reading the opening sentence as it's written, gives (to my ear) the following rhythmic pattern (try reading the sentence out loud, maybe):

In a room with deep (pause) looming (pause) massive shadows (pause) two men (pause) one tall (pause) one short (pause) leered with blood-shot eyes at the images of a hoverball.

I hope that makes sense. As you've written the opening sentence, it's got a very slow flow, and doesn't necessarily entice the reader to want to charge forward with the story. I've suggested a possible solution to this, above:

In a room with deep, massive shadows, two men glared with bloodshot eyes at images passing across the hoverball's screen. Figures swirled and splashed and then evaporated into nothingness.

Only two commas in this first sentence, and with none in the second, your readers won't get bogged down at the start. Not that you can't use commas, they're really important, but maybe cut back the use of adjectives in some cases to help the flow of the words, CC

I'm beginning to understand, but I'm going to need to study your explanation some more to grasp what you're saying. Flow is something I try to achieve.

 

[Yozh]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I see from this excerpt is that you are trying to do two things with this scene:

1. present the information which is contained in the final 3 paragraphs of dialogue to advance your plot
2. show the drunken antics and interactions of these two men to build their characters and relationship

i Think the problem you are running into is that there is no way to convincingly have characters who are rip-roaring drunk engage in meaningful, detailed discussion, because that’s just not something drunk people can do.

I actually like where you are going with the description of physical drunkenness at the beginning, I do feel they are sloppy-mad-drunk. Polish up some orthographical issues others raised but keep the bones of it.

However, the serious discussion needs to be done when they are not *so* drunk, maybe flip the scene around to have them start out more sober and talking, then devolve into drunkenness; or maybe limit the discussion during the whole drinking session to the characters emotional reaction to what they see on the hover ball, and save the more detailed discussion to the next day?

 

[Lafayette]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I see from this excerpt is that you are trying to do two things with this scene:

1. present the information which is contained in the final 3 paragraphs of dialogue to advance your plot
2. show the drunken antics and interactions of these two men to build their characters and relationship

You got that correct.

i Think the problem you are running into is that there is no way to convincingly have characters who are rip-roaring drunk engage in meaningful, detailed discussion, because that’s just not something drunk people can do.

I actually like where you are going with the description of physical drunkenness at the beginning, I do feel they are sloppy-mad-drunk. Polish up some orthographical issues others raised but keep the bones of it.

However, the serious discussion needs to be done when they are not *so* drunk, maybe flip the scene around to have them start out more sober and talking, then devolve into drunkenness; or maybe limit the discussion during the whole drinking session to the characters emotional reaction to what they see on the hover ball, and save the more detailed discussion to the next day?

How's this for an idea. The two men start out drunk (the tall one drunker) and as they watch events they don't like unfolding from the hoverball they become more sober?