Back Creative

[svalbard]

A long time since I wrote anything and oddly enough it is a short poem. Only 4 lines. However the most creative thing I have written in years, the only thing I have wrote. Tentatively called;

OLD AGE

A beckoning, a hopeful look
In the end, a hollowed eye

A tentative word, an earnest whisper
In the end, a desperate cry

 

[alexvss]

A long time since I wrote anything and oddly enough it is a short poem. Only 4 lines. However the most creative thing I have written in years, the only thing I have wrote. Tentatively called;

OLD AGE

A beckoning, a hopeful look
In the end, a hollowed eye

A tentative word, an earnest whisper
In the end, a desperate cry

I think it works, mostly because of the title. It's melancholic and sorrowful. If that's what you went for, you succeeded. But note that, without the title working together with the text, it wouldn't work. That is to say, the text doesn't work by itself. And that's not a bad thing per se; it's just an observation.

Congratulations on writing again. I hope you thrive!

 

[Lafayette]

A long time since I wrote anything and oddly enough it is a short poem. Only 4 lines. However the most creative thing I have written in years, the only thing I have wrote. Tentatively called;

OLD AGE

A beckoning, a hopeful look
In the end, a hollowed eye

A tentative word, an earnest whisper
In the end, a desperate cry

To me it's too short. You need to give an explanation why this is about old age. If it wasn't for the title I wouldn't know. It could be mistaken for a poem for a plea for a lost love.

 

[PadreTX]

It's a four liner. For me it works.

 

[svalbard]

Thanks for the feedback.

I can see how without a title it can be viewed as a love poem. In truth it could be. 4 lines is definitely too short and I may revisit. Poetry is not one of my strengths so I am sort of proud that I even came up with what I wrote. I enjoy ambiguities. The result is that it led to just short of a thousand words in my neverending WIP.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I enjoyed your poem and it certainly is a difficult challenge as a way to express creativity. I am okay with the title affecting the interpretation of the poem; titles should serve a purpose be more informative that "Poem #23."

 

[Phyrebrat]

It does what all great poetry does which is suggest a far bigger ‘thing’ than the sum of the words. I like it very much.

 

[svalbard]

Thank you very much Phyrebrat.

 

[LostCosmonaut]

A long time since I wrote anything and oddly enough it is a short poem. Only 4 lines. However the most creative thing I have written in years, the only thing I have wrote. Tentatively called;

OLD AGE

A beckoning, a hopeful look
In the end, a hollowed eye

A tentative word, an earnest whisper
In the end, a desperate cry

I like it! Each short stanza conveys reversal/decline in a really interesting way. The mood is grim and solemn, appropriate for the subject matter, though I would echo what others have said by recommending that you expand this one. Right now it doesn't quite have enough meat on its bones to reach its full potential.

And regarding the flow of the language, I'll point out that "tentative" sounds out-of-place to my ear. It may have a few too many syllables. I do like the rhyming of lines 2 and 4.

Also, glad to hear you're getting back into the craft. The most important step is to start writing anything at all, so you're well on your way.

Thanks for sharing!