Totally random (and fake) dustjacket blubs

[Anne Martin]

Whenever I discuss my novels (while still writing them) I tend to lapse into blurb mode, or you might think of it as elevator pitch mode. I thought I would start a thread where we could pitch stories that we'll probably never write. So give us your title and a blub. I'll start it off. (Yes, these are meant to be impossible or tongue-in-cheek.)

Bigland

Dorothy, known by most as Dot, has a ground-up view of a vast, dangerous world. It's a place where giant things move, can easily squash you, or even suck you into a dark vortice from where you will never return. Six and eight legged beasts terrorize her community, so she invents a flying machine to lift her above the fray to a place she calls Bigland, where she discovers people 1000 times her size, and the great beasts of her world are so small as to be insignicant. As she turns homeward to report her discovery, her flying machine is ensnared in a sticky goo, opening a door to an unlikely friendship from the small end of something called a microscope.

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Splashback: Volume I of The Squelch trilogy

The Squelch changed everything. Now Kytie Warkerr must struggle to survive in a world where the only solid thing is the stiflingly illogical social heirarchy. Pursued by all the Nine Houses, she must flee the slimy puddle that used to be London in search of the truth. What really happened to Earth? What are the alien Schrrrrrrrrrr planning? And what are the strange geometric shapes she can see whenever she closes her eyes?

 

[Anne Martin]

Earthbound
Cyrus Reed is dead. Long live Cyrus Reed. The kiss of his death angel left a bitter taste on his lips. In life, Cyrus was a reformer and liberator who would use any means to achieve his otherwise humanitarian goals, including murder. Fitting neither in heaven nor hell, he roamed Earth searching for ways to affect change. Incorporeal, he was powerless. That was one thing he had to change. The other? He was so damn cold.

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

City of Doors. [Volume 47 in the multi-author City Of series]

Samharkhandh is a city of many doors. They lead to other places: the kitchen, the town hall, the Ferrets Lounge, the N-Dimensional Realms of the Spork Queens. As political tensions in the city rise to boiling point, a humble saviour arises. Odd-job man Fergus Ghoti knows three secret truths:

Some doors lead to damnation.
Some doors lead to salvation.
Sometimes they are the same door.

 

[Anne Martin]

City of Doors. [Volume 47 in the multi-author City Of series]

Samharkhandh is a city of many doors. They lead to other places: the kitchen, the town hall, the Ferrets Lounge, the N-Dimensional Realms of the Spork Queens. As political tensions in the city rise to boiling point, a humble saviour arises. Odd-job man Fergus Ghoti knows three secret truths:

Some doors lead to damnation.
Some doors lead to salvation.
Sometimes they are the same door.

I like this idea. Maybe you should write it!

 

[Anne Martin]

Metamorphosis

"Don't pick at that", Rayna's mother said, but Rayna couldn't resist. First, it looked like a sore between her breasts, then a scab, and it got larger. There was something underneath, pure unblemished skin. Her outer skin began to peel off like a sunburn. One night, she decided to peel it all off, and with it she peeled off her humanity. Her wings, only visible in moonlight, would take her to the place of torment, where she would redeem her father. If only he would allow it.

 

[Anne Martin]

The Sword of Sangria

During a deep excavation in 2071 in Cancun, construction workers unearthed a small jewelled sword with an inscription in an unknown language. While scholars puzzled out its meaning, the population imagined it had magical powers. It wasn't until Sergio Mendez, a research assistant at the University of Mexico City, stumbled across its true meaning during an office birthday party. It was the recipe for a perfect Sangria, and within lay its magic.

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Laser Ponies: First Hurdle.

It all began when the Fire Geldings attacked.

Everyone knows the Laser Ponies, but their glorious first adventure has never been told - until now! In a world torn apart by strife, Pansy, Peony, Poppy and Queen Elektra must set aside their differences to bring peace to the paddock.

"This book truly has everything. Lasers, ponies, laser ponies" - The Times.

 

[Anne Martin]

Seventeen

No longer a child, but not yet an adult. Precupa's magic was still unformed, yet it was at its most powerful. Fire burned within her, one that might scorch an unsuspecting suitor. Panatu was the seventeenth son of a seventeenth son, born on the 17th day of the 17th year of the Pistra. As keeper of the Poenstah, a sharp, thin blade of tempered iridium, Precupa was his destiny, yet the Poenstah unleashed something in her that neither understood. In its presence, her body glowed with an ancient tantra. Only Panatu could decipher it, and it would change the world. If he revealed its secret, her magic would soon devour him. If he didn't, he might lose her.

She might not give him the choice: the Poenstah gave her power over life and ruin.

 

[mosaix]

A few years back we celebrated the 75th birthday of one of my chess partners. He has a particular problem with defending against diagonal attacks i.e. the bishop. We bought him a chess book and created our own dust cover.

The title we chose was Diagonals And How to Recognise Them by A. Bishop

The reviews, on the back cover were as follows:

The Times Literary Supplement: Written specifically for Mr P xxxxx of Bridgnorth at the request of his chess partners, this book, just one paragraph long, is an in-depth analysis of the complex movements of the bishop.

Nigel Short (English Grand Master): If only I had read this book before, I could have been world champion.

A Hitler (Notorious German): The Allies landed at an angle on the Normandy beaches, it threw me completely. If Herr Bishop had been German imagine how different things could have been!

N Bonapart (Notorious Frenchman): The French fleet were formed up in straight lines, Nelson sailed at us in an oblique pattern, we never saw him coming. Was Monsieur Bishop an accursed English mariner?

King Harold (Unlucky Englishman): I was looking straight ahead at the Norman King and it came like a bolt out of the blue from one of the flanks. Since reading this book (with some difficulty) I now know where I went wrong.

A Einstein (Smart Arse) I was a budding Grand Master at the age of three but could never get my head around B(N2) x R(R8). E=MC2 seemed so much easier so I turned to physics instead.

P xxxxx (Bridgnorth). Bugger!

 

[Anne Martin]

I am an Island

No man is an island, the old saying goes. Sol Singleton knew that to be false. A tidal wave had taken the ship under with a ferocity that threw him miles from any known shoreline, yet he floated. Well, not quite floated. He had been marooned on a nascent sand bar along with all the provisions for the 3 month voyage. The sand hadn't quite reached sea level yet, and the provisions were just below the surface at low tide, the only point at which is was safe to access them. It was then that he could rest, lying flat on the highest rump of sand, a virtual island on a vast expanse of sea. Someday he might fashion a raft from the empty crates, but which way would he go? He had been a passenger and didn't know the first thing about navigation. And then there were the tremors. A vulcanologist, Sol had a good idea what that might signify.

Perhaps it would have been better if someone else had survived.

 

[Guttersnipe]

Girl in a Bubble

During a freak accident in a physics college classroom, a girl finds herself surrounded by a forwards time bubble. While she is not immediately affected, everything else inside it changes through centuries; modern-day firearms, for example, become laser guns, and medical drugs become panaceas. However, one thing is certain: If the bubble is removed, the girl dies. She finds herself on the run from the FBI and a cult alike, the latter believing she is an anti-Christ. And if that wasn't enough, her bubble is expanding...

 

[bretbernhoft]

Coffee Synch

I was walking to my car after a long day of work, thinking about the string of unlucky events that had led me to this point. I had always believed that things happened for a reason, but I was starting to question that belief. Maybe I was just destined to be unlucky. As I was lost in thought, I didn't notice the man walking in front of me until he bumped into me. I looked up to apologize and was surprised to see that he looked familiar. He was the man from the coffee shop.

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

A few years back we celebrated the 75th birthday of one of my chess partners. He has a particular problem with defending against diagonal attacks i.e. the bishop. We bought him a chess book and created our own dust cover.

The title we chose was Diagonals And How to Recognise Them by A. Bishop

The reviews, on the back cover were as follows:

The Times Literary Supplement: Written specifically for Mr P xxxxx of Bridgnorth at the request of his chess partners, this book, just one paragraph long, is an in-depth analysis of the complex movements of the bishop.

Nigel Short (English Grand Master): If only I had read this book before, I could have been world champion.

A Hitler (Notorious German): The Allies landed at an angle on the Normandy beaches, it threw me completely. If Herr Bishop had been German imagine how different things could have been!

N Bonapart (Notorious Frenchman): The French fleet were formed up in straight lines, Nelson sailed at us in an oblique pattern, we never saw him coming. Was Monsieur Bishop an accursed English mariner?

King Harold (Unlucky Englishman): I was looking straight ahead at the Norman King and it came like a bolt out of the blue from one of the flanks. Since reading this book (with some difficulty) I now know where I went wrong.

A Einstein (Smart Arse) I was a budding Grand Master at the age of three but could never get my head around B(N2) x R(R8). E=MC2 seemed so much easier so I turned to physics instead.

P xxxxx (Bridgnorth). Bugger!

Bit of a digression, but it turns out there was a recognisable chess strategy in the Allied recapture of France. The British forces moved painfully slowly against heavy resistance to the south-west, essentially "pinning" the Queen (or German armoured divisions) against the King (occupied Paris). This left the US forces free to rampage across the rest of the country mopping up minor pieces.

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Dragon's Bargain

They came through the Summer Door: traders and invaders from the fabulous realm of Earth, bearing strange gifts and terrible weapons. Now, as the Hu-Men lay waste to the peaceful lands of Eldonia, a misfit band of travellers set out to cut a deal with a monster.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. And what better friend than a friend who breathes fire?

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Millie Dubbelwacker was perfectly happy with her quiet life as an intergalactic bus conductor. Up till half ten last Wednesday she wouldn't have even considered becoming a plot device in an elaborate literary puzzle. But such is life -especially when there is a hyperglomic memory absorbtion box stowed in the luggage compartment of the 46A to Jupiter.​

---

Can Millie remember not to forget before it's too late to remember?
Will she find the memory box and release its secret?
Who knows what when nobody knows who?
And who cares?​

 

[Mon0Zer0]

A Bird in the Hand​

Rancid Jo had a chip on her shoulder. But this chip was no ordinary starchy foodstuff. It was a robot parrot. In its toe was the schematics for the CIA's latest breakthrough: Super Speed. Now, she has to take refuge in a hacker's commune on the wrong side of town.

Little did Jo know but the glow don't go slow when there's toe snow on the down low.

 

[Anne Martin]

Little Green Man

Needeep Sediment didn't know if he was coming or going. He had walked along the same stretch of shoreline nearly every day for a quarter of a century at dusk. He awaited the rising of the rare Blue Blood Harvest Super Moon. Instead, the sky overhead was an ominous green, and he knew what that meant. It was tornado weather. The horizon was still clear, and Needeep remained hopeful that the weather would hold off. A bright beam of light emanating from the cloud above illuminated the ground around him as a bright red dot rose above the horizon. Mars would herald the arrival of the moon, he remembered. Then the sky was clear and the light was gone. Mars was on its own directly above him, and the tide had come in. No sign of the moon. He felt a sudden chill, and that was because he no longer had clothes on. He remained motionless. Those were the instructions he had been given. What instructions? By whom? All he knew was that September was long gone, and so, perhaps, was 1993. He felt different, and at sunrise, he would see that he looked different. His life was about to change in a big way. The whole world was about to change. His new secret would be revealed.

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Terror of the Monoworld

The people of the Multiversity have heard legends of the strange and terrible Monoworld. A deranged foreign universe where cause follows effect, today follows yesterday and you never, ever get to compare notes with all your slipstream evil mirror duplicates. How can anyone possibly survive there?

Steff Greens 24,888, 24,889 and 24,890 are about to find out. Leakage from the Monoworld threatens the entire Multiversity, and the three Steffs have been sucked into that savage realm. With only three of themselves, and just a single timeline to work in, can they save the day?

If they don't, it's all the same. Everywhere.

 

[Anne Martin]

Peekaboo

Marti Annen was the first woman to step on Mars, but that was a hollow victory for her sex. She was the only member of her crew to survive the depressurization incident. She was stuck in an airlock at the time, suited up to check on an anomaly in the perimeter of the Geodome. It had taken a month to finish it after it was prepared for their arrival robotically, and they had only just completed all the environmental tests. She had only to step outside to discover the cause of the depressurization.

She wasn't alone, and her survival depended on making friends with the natives. First, she had to convince them that eating holes in the Geodome was a bad idea.