Totally random (and fake) dustjacket blubs

Anne Martin

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Whenever I discuss my novels (while still writing them) I tend to lapse into blurb mode, or you might think of it as elevator pitch mode. I thought I would start a thread where we could pitch stories that we'll probably never write. So give us your title and a blub. I'll start it off. (Yes, these are meant to be impossible or tongue-in-cheek.)

Bigland

Dorothy, known by most as Dot, has a ground-up view of a vast, dangerous world. It's a place where giant things move, can easily squash you, or even suck you into a dark vortice from where you will never return. Six and eight legged beasts terrorize her community, so she invents a flying machine to lift her above the fray to a place she calls Bigland, where she discovers people 1000 times her size, and the great beasts of her world are so small as to be insignicant. As she turns homeward to report her discovery, her flying machine is ensnared in a sticky goo, opening a door to an unlikely friendship from the small end of something called a microscope.
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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Splashback: Volume I of The Squelch trilogy

The Squelch changed everything. Now Kytie Warkerr must struggle to survive in a world where the only solid thing is the stiflingly illogical social heirarchy. Pursued by all the Nine Houses, she must flee the slimy puddle that used to be London in search of the truth. What really happened to Earth? What are the alien Schrrrrrrrrrr planning? And what are the strange geometric shapes she can see whenever she closes her eyes?
 

Anne Martin

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Earthbound
Cyrus Reed is dead. Long live Cyrus Reed. The kiss of his death angel left a bitter taste on his lips. In life, Cyrus was a reformer and liberator who would use any means to achieve his otherwise humanitarian goals, including murder. Fitting neither in heaven nor hell, he roamed Earth searching for ways to affect change. Incorporeal, he was powerless. That was one thing he had to change. The other? He was so damn cold.
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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City of Doors. [Volume 47 in the multi-author City Of series]

Samharkhandh is a city of many doors. They lead to other places: the kitchen, the town hall, the Ferrets Lounge, the N-Dimensional Realms of the Spork Queens. As political tensions in the city rise to boiling point, a humble saviour arises. Odd-job man Fergus Ghoti knows three secret truths:

Some doors lead to damnation.
Some doors lead to salvation.
Sometimes they are the same door.
 

Anne Martin

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City of Doors. [Volume 47 in the multi-author City Of series]

Samharkhandh is a city of many doors. They lead to other places: the kitchen, the town hall, the Ferrets Lounge, the N-Dimensional Realms of the Spork Queens. As political tensions in the city rise to boiling point, a humble saviour arises. Odd-job man Fergus Ghoti knows three secret truths:

Some doors lead to damnation.
Some doors lead to salvation.
Sometimes they are the same door.
I like this idea. Maybe you should write it!
 

Anne Martin

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Metamorphosis

"Don't pick at that", Rayna's mother said, but Rayna couldn't resist. First, it looked like a sore between her breasts, then a scab, and it got larger. There was something underneath, pure unblemished skin. Her outer skin began to peel off like a sunburn. One night, she decided to peel it all off, and with it she peeled off her humanity. Her wings, only visible in moonlight, would take her to the place of torment, where she would redeem her father. If only he would allow it.
 

Anne Martin

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The Sword of Sangria

During a deep excavation in 2071 in Cancun, construction workers unearthed a small jewelled sword with an inscription in an unknown language. While scholars puzzled out its meaning, the population imagined it had magical powers. It wasn't until Sergio Mendez, a research assistant at the University of Mexico City, stumbled across its true meaning during an office birthday party. It was the recipe for a perfect Sangria, and within lay its magic.
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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Laser Ponies: First Hurdle.

It all began when the Fire Geldings attacked.

Everyone knows the Laser Ponies, but their glorious first adventure has never been told - until now! In a world torn apart by strife, Pansy, Peony, Poppy and Queen Elektra must set aside their differences to bring peace to the paddock.

"This book truly has everything. Lasers, ponies, laser ponies" - The Times.
 

Anne Martin

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Seventeen

No longer a child, but not yet an adult. Precupa's magic was still unformed, yet it was at its most powerful. Fire burned within her, one that might scorch an unsuspecting suitor. Panatu was the seventeenth son of a seventeenth son, born on the 17th day of the 17th year of the Pistra. As keeper of the Poenstah, a sharp, thin blade of tempered iridium, Precupa was his destiny, yet the Poenstah unleashed something in her that neither understood. In its presence, her body glowed with an ancient tantra. Only Panatu could decipher it, and it would change the world. If he revealed its secret, her magic would soon devour him. If he didn't, he might lose her.

She might not give him the choice: the Poenstah gave her power over life and ruin.
 

mosaix

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A few years back we celebrated the 75th birthday of one of my chess partners. He has a particular problem with defending against diagonal attacks i.e. the bishop. We bought him a chess book and created our own dust cover.

The title we chose was Diagonals And How to Recognise Them by A. Bishop

The reviews, on the back cover were as follows:

The Times Literary Supplement: Written specifically for Mr P xxxxx of Bridgnorth at the request of his chess partners, this book, just one paragraph long, is an in-depth analysis of the complex movements of the bishop.

Nigel Short (English Grand Master): If only I had read this book before, I could have been world champion.

A Hitler (Notorious German): The Allies landed at an angle on the Normandy beaches, it threw me completely. If Herr Bishop had been German imagine how different things could have been!

N Bonapart (Notorious Frenchman): The French fleet were formed up in straight lines, Nelson sailed at us in an oblique pattern, we never saw him coming. Was Monsieur Bishop an accursed English mariner?

King Harold (Unlucky Englishman): I was looking straight ahead at the Norman King and it came like a bolt out of the blue from one of the flanks. Since reading this book (with some difficulty) I now know where I went wrong.

A Einstein (Smart Arse) I was a budding Grand Master at the age of three but could never get my head around B(N2) x R(R8). E=MC2 seemed so much easier so I turned to physics instead.

P xxxxx (Bridgnorth). Bugger!
 

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