What do you think so far....

In that case:
I've replaced 20 of the tense problems. Then two continuous tenses that were causing confusion
There were a number of other problems found.
Not to mention the place you put--She noticed that the old man was blind.--is jarring and almost like a non-sequitur in that it is out of place.

It would work better if moved to this line-- "I wanna thank you, Mister...." started Daina. She noticed that the old man was blind.

You still have issues with some passivity and telling; however I think you should work on tense and get that correct before you try to fix the rest.



Timben said:
I went back and tried to straighten it up a little. Let me know what you think of it.

“Aaargh!” yelled Sam.

Sam is was attacked by the bear, and the mother used its 30 cm wide paws to strike Sam. He is was hit flat in the face by an immense white paw. Striking him Struck in the front and back of his body before falling he fell unconscious into the snow. The bear bit many times on Sam’s legs and back. The polar bear whipped Cassidy into the air and slammed him against the ground. The bear dropped him hard.

The bear then grabs grabbed Sam by one ankle and drags dragged him away across the frozen plain. Daina was up a tree before the killing blow is was made by the bear, Sam is was a goner. Out of nowhere came a rifle shot. Another shot. Then another. Daina heard three shots. There Then she saw a Russian woodsman using a Remington-Keene Deluxe Sporter rifle. He was using the rifle to shock the bear. It didn't take long before the bear took a hint, hopped back down on its hind legs, and gated gaited away. Daina climbed down from the tree and ran toward Sam to check to see if he was dead. One side of his face is was covered in a mask of frozen blood. He opens opened his eyes as a chilling moan of the monstrous polar bear echoes echoed through the snowy woods. Exhausted, Sam lies lay face down in the snow. Daina heard a whistle coming from the woodsman who was calling for his dog's sled.

"I wanna thank you, Mister...." started Daina.

Daina’s concern is was with Sam, and she shakes shook him urgently.

“Sam! Sam! Don't do this, Sam”, said Daina.

Sam doesn't didn't respond. Daina begins began frantically rubbing and slapping Sam's unconscious face. She noticed that the old man was blind.

"Not much time. That was only to scare her off, she'll be back, we must hurry!" said the blind man.

As she starts started to lift the youth, Daina hears heard a rasping sound behind him. Her? The blind man carries carried Sam to the dog sled. She climbed in behind him.

“Chen... Chen…” moaning moaned Sam.

“Hang on, Sam,” said Daina.

The blind man whistles whistled again and this time the dogs and their savior rode away through the hostile vastness of snow and cold. As it runs ran, the dog's legs kick kicked up large snow and ice clouds into the snowy air.
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tinkerdan said:
In that case:
I've replaced 20 of the tense problems. Then two continuous tenses that were causing confusion
There were a number of other problems found.
Not to mention the place you put--She noticed that the old man was blind.--is jarring and almost like a non-sequitur in that it is out of place.

It would work better if moved to this line-- "I wanna thank you, Mister...." started Daina. She noticed that the old man was blind.

You still have issues with some passivity and telling; however I think you should work on tense and get that correct before you try to fix the rest.
Click to expand...
Thank you.
 
I'm still a little confused. Should mileage be included in a story? For example, ABC is 30 miles from DEF that sort of thing. I am asking because, in the story I am writing, the MC asks how far the next town is. You see, and the secondary character says its not far at all. Should I add the mileage or leave it as that.
 
Timben said:
I do not know what the proper rifle is used for shooting polar bears. I saw a picture of the rifle and thought it looked very cool.
Click to expand...
It's not so much the rifle as its caliber and cartridge. From what I found, 9 rounds of 45-70 looks like what the sporter shot, so there is a good chance, with skill and well-placed shots. :)
 
Timben said:
I'm still a little confused. Should mileage be included in a story? For example, ABC is 30 miles from DEF that sort of thing. I am asking because, in the story I am writing, the MC asks how far the next town is. You see, and the secondary character says its not far at all. Should I add the mileage or leave it as that.
Click to expand...
If they are on horseback in the frontier, 30 miles is a 3 to 4-day journey. 2 if you push it hard and all goes well depending on the weather.
Look like this is taking place in the winter so, 4 days? If that is not a long ride from the 2nd character's point of view, then it's not far.
 
THX1138 said:
If they are on horseback in the frontier, 30 miles is a 3 to 4-day journey. 2 if you push it hard and all goes well depending on the weather.
Look like this is taking place in the winter so, 4 days? If that is not a long ride from the 2nd character's point of view, then it's not far.
Click to expand...
Thank you THX1138. You're right, the story does take place in the winter.
 
I don't like this... anyway, someone could fix this for me... to make it sound better.

"Had a hell of a fight with an Apache named Grayreaper who mistook my chest for a place to bring down his lance. Doctors did not believe I would survive. But I fooled them," said Sam.
 
Having said the killing blow is made by the bear makes the reader assume Sam is already dead. Poor Sam! But, he lives, so maybe try having the rifle shot mixed into the sentence for the suspense. "Out of nowhere came a rifle shot just as the bear was about to land the killing blow." Using " the killing blow" needs very specific placement as to not confuse the reader. Even if you flip the clauses in my example, it will work, but the reader might think the next sentence Sam might still be killed. "Just as the bear was about to land the killing blow, out of nowhere came a rifle shot....the bear ignored it and killed sam." Merge some of the shorter sentences in your story with conjunctions, commas and semicolons and add some detail to manipulate the rhythm for suspense and clarity.
"Out of nowhere, a rifle shot rang through the air, scaring the polar bear away just as he was about to land the killing blow." Maybe more like " The polar bear raised its long claws high above Sam's head for the killing blow, but then, out of nowhere, rang a rifle shot through the air, scaring the bear away." Eh, something like that! I hope this helps.
Keep up the good work my friend! 20 chapters is no small feat.
 
Timben said:
I don't like this... anyway, someone could fix this for me... to make it sound better.

"Had a hell of a fight with an Apache named Grayreaper who mistook my chest for a place to bring down his lance. Doctors did not believe I would survive. But I fooled them," said Sam.
Click to expand...
I actually like this a lot. I can imagine the battle with the Apache from the description in the first main clause. Hell of a fight speaks volumes. Maybe, break it up so it flows more like speech. "Had a hell of a fight with an Apache named Grayreaper. (,)(He) mistook my chest for a place to bring down his lance, " Sam laughed. "Doctors didn't believe I'd survive. Fooled them!"
I'm not sure if that works for your story. I'm feeling old western slang would be fitting for your story, but I've only read one section about Sam. Eliminate some pronouns, and definitely don't be afraid to use contractions and run on sentences in speech.
 
Timben said:
I'm still a little confused. Should mileage be included in a story? For example, ABC is 30 miles from DEF that sort of thing. I am asking because, in the story I am writing, the MC asks how far the next town is. You see, and the secondary character says its not far at all. Should I add the mileage or leave it as that.
Click to expand...
I would avoid specifics like this, unless it absolutely fits the situation. Not that it can't be done, but I'd stick more to "a half-days ride" ,or "we'd make it by sundown." Maybe, temporals that aren't too specific "about an hour" ,"twenty minute drive." But, keep in mind, it's always going to be specific to your design. Maybe you have a character that is obsessively pedantic, or is a brilliant mathematician who can't help but be so specific. Anywho, I would apply the same approach to dimensions. In reference to your 30 cm description. Is that long for bear paws? Should I be fearful, or give him a high five? I'm guessing that is large, but, as a reader, I shouldn't have to question the description. I want to read "The bear was about to smack him with a large paw; huge paw, gigantic paw, tiny, itty-bitty paw, a paw the size of my entire body, etc.
As for the rifle being a specific brand type, I'm wondering about this myself. It shouldn't be so specific, but where do you draw the line? Should it be a twenty-two caliber rifle or a small, or large caliber rifle? Or just rifle? You obviously want your reader to be aware of certain dimensions and information about the rifle, but are you assuming a certain reader with knowledge of your universe type is reading your novel? I try to avoid those assumptions to target a wider audience. Most readers have no idea the difference between the specific model and just plain "rifle." I question this because in a novel I am working on I want a character to weild a Japanese longsword called an odachi. It's a huge, curved sword that I introduce just as that, but most Western Hemisphere readers aren't going to know that. So, I assume I can introduce it at the beginning of the novel and reference it as the odachi for the rest of the novel. So maybe, you could reference the rifle type and size somewhere in your story, or the blind man could actually describe his affection for such a weapon, then reference it as "rifle", "weapon", "gun" for the simplified version of it for the rest of your story.
 
bradleyibanez66 said:
I actually like this a lot. I can imagine the battle with the Apache from the description in the first main clause. Hell of a fight speaks volumes. Maybe, break it up so it flows more like speech. "Had a hell of a fight with an Apache named Grayreaper. (,)(He) mistook my chest for a place to bring down his lance, " Sam laughed. "Doctors didn't believe I'd survive. Fooled them!"
I'm not sure if that works for your story. I'm feeling old western slang would be fitting for your story, but I've only read one section about Sam. Eliminate some pronouns, and definitely don't be afraid to use contractions and run on sentences in speech.
Click to expand...
The original dialog was "Hell of a fight with Apache bas...Grayreaper," but it was blocked, lol. Anyway thanks for the comment. It's basically a pulp fiction story. But yes, old western slang would probably fit it better.
 
The Imperial Cossacks shot to attention as Colonel Gorky walked past them.

"What's so special about that cross?" asked a Cossack.

"I have no idea, but whatever it is, the colonel thinks highly of it," replied a Cossack.

Chen in the meantime, browses through the bars, scanning for a way out. How is he going to get away without help from Sam? They're a lot of guards maybe fifteen to twenty of them. As he turned his back to his fellow prisoners-in-arms, he counted ten prisoners. Not enough to stage a breakout. They still outnumber. Shivering from the cold, a prisoner collapses. Chen ran to help him but it was too late. He was already dead. Died from the cold.

Colonel Gorky is mesmerized by the Cross; he can't take his eyes off it. He feels the power growing inside him. As if he could live forever. He was anxious to test his newfound power. But how? He found a way. He stepped away and pulled his pistol and cocked the hammer back. Aimed it directly at his heart. He swallowed. His hand itching for the trigger, shaking the whole time. If something goes wrong, he's dead. No. He just has to try it. As he prepares to fire his weapon, he starts to have second thoughts. Something rather roguish. He snapped his fingers for a trooper to go to his aid.

"Bring me the chink," said Colonel Gorky.

The Cossack saluted him and went to look for the Chinese prisoner. Yes. That would work perfectly. His devilish plan was working. Imperial Cossack went to the cell and scanned it with his eyes. Till he came upon Chen. Chen was escorted out of his cell and marched toward Colonel Gorky. Still limping from the beam that nearly crushed him.

"Ah my Chinese friend, welcome," said Colonel Gorky.

Chen looked all around and still no sign of Sam anywhere.

"What is it that you want?" asked Chen.

"I have a present for you," said Colonel Gorky grinning diabolically.

"What is it?" asked Chen as if he should be afraid.

Speaking in the Russian dialect Chen wouldn't be able to fully understand him. He looked to the Imperial Cossack and told him.

"We will test it... on him," said Colonel Gorky.

He in turn removed the cross from his neck and in turn gave it to the Cossack to place it around the china man's neck. He did as requested. He stepped away.

"You never played Russian roulette?" asked Colonel Gorky.

Chen didn't say a word.

"Well this is how we play, you place a single round in a revolver..like this and then you spin the cylinder. Then you place the gun muzzle along the heart and pull the trigger, if the loaded chamber aligns with the barrel, the weapon will fire,” said Colonel Gorky as he lined up his target.

"If you're gonna kill me, just get on with it," said Chen.

The colonel pulled the trigger and nothing happened. He spun the cylinder around and around until it clicked again. He did this several times over and over. He was hoping to scare the hell out of Chen. But Chen was far from scared. He tried again and again.

"This must be your lucky day," chortle Colonel Gorky.

This time there was a bullet in the chamber. He cocked the hammer back once more and stood ready to fire.

"If this bullet pierces your heart, and nothing happens, you can go free," said Colonel Gorky.

"What if the bullet penetrates my heart?" asked Chen.

"Then you're dead," said Colonel Gorky.​
 
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