This is a rough draft, but should I not bother writing this part and get to the next bit?

Bramandin

Science fiction fantasy
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576
There's a bit more than 5,000 words before this. Mostly there's snippets of myth and which ones are true, taking a bath, and mundane stuff. The question right now is whether a man will take an orphan in to be his apprentice. Is it too soon to have a story-within-story?



Getting to the valley seemed to take forever, especially since Radley had to stop a few times because he was afraid, and he was exhausted by the time they got to the village. Along the way, Jacobi gave him a coarse lesson in manners. He said that he didn’t expect Radley to be able to remember everything, just enough to show that he was making an effort to be polite.

“I’ll show you where I’ll be until this afternoon,” Jacobi said. “I intend to be outside of his shop while you talk to Kerwin, but if there are problems after I leave you can come to me.”

They came to a building (description. Town hall or church)

Radley gasped. “I never thought I’d see a castle.”

Jacobi snorted. “This is just a large building. Castles are much bigger.”

“D’ya ever see one?”

“I grew up in Mapin Stronghold,” Jacobi said. “Here is much nicer.”

Radley wondered how he could say something like that. The castles in the stories were (description.) Then he remembered not all stories were true. He was going to ask about it, but instead he grabbed at the nearest wall as his head spun.

“Are you alright?” Jacobi grabbed him. “Do you have fainting-spells often?”

“M’just tired. Never walked so far in m’life.”

“I should have realized,” Jacobi said. “You can sit down inside.”

The inside was just as impressive as the outside. (description) Children at front, including Zigami.

“Cobi, nice of you to join us,” the adult said.

“I’m sorry, teacher, I don’t intend to stay long,” Jacobi said. “This is Radley. He just needs a place to rest for a bit.”

“Then you might as well come up here. I was about to give a history lesson.”
 

msstice

200 words a day = 1 novel/year
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Mar 27, 2020
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390
gave him a coarse lesson in manners
a quick lesson?
“I’m sorry, teacher, I don’t intend to stay long,” Jacobi said. “This is Radley. He just needs a place to rest for a bit.”
This confused me because I thought Radley was going in for something like and interview and was expected.

In any case, I do not have enough to give useful feedback. I see there are several places that are unfinished. It is best to submit a piece of writing as polished as you can get it, so you can get the most effective feedback.

I did not understand which part was the frame story.

I do get a sense that Radley is naive and new to the "big city" and that Jacobi is taking special care of Radley. This part of the interaction is well done.
 

Bramandin

Science fiction fantasy
Joined
May 5, 2022
Messages
576
I do get a sense that Radley is naive and new to the "big city" and that Jacobi is taking special care of Radley. This part of the interaction is well done.

Thank you. I did decide to discard this scene because it was a detour before the interview. The only thing that's still there is the first paragraph. An alternate way I was going to say it was "rough lesson in manners."

I did do a bit of the same mood with Jacobi trying to help him, it just went differently. I intend to recycle a bit of what was there later.
 

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