Not Sure Where to Go from Here

[Creativ3Tink]

Hey all

So I'm looking for some guidance and/or feedback regarding a story that is actually a sequel to another story that I wrote about two years ago. I know this is long and a lot to read, and if not allowed, let me know and I'll delete or move elsewhere

Before anyone asks, the original story is not published on here...and unfortunately, its on another laptop that's in storage and I don't have access to at the moment. However, for the purpose of th discussion here, I can give a brief summary of that story.

Trigger warning: I realize this contains some elements that might be controversial to some so I apologize in advance. This was written solely for fantasy and fiction purposes.

The story opens with a young psychologist in training who has recently left her job due to becoming too emotionally involved with a client, Devon. It is made pretty evident in the story that Devon openly expressed and and admitted his feelings to Valerie while she was working with him, while Valerie kept her own flings private , wanting to maintain her professionalism. However, a chance meeting during a rainy day in a parking lot causes Valerie to immediately panic and try to evade Devon after seeing him for the first time in several months. Her efforts prove futile, though, as she slips and falls on the concrete, knocking hr unconscious.

When Valerie awakens, she is in Devon's arms and has no recollection of who either of them are. She assumes Devon is her boyfriend, much to his surprise and delight, and he makes no effort to correct her.They spend the weekend together, and Devon is both overjoyed that he finally has a chance with the woman he loves, but also constantly fearful that Valerie's memory could return at any time. Over the course of the weekend, Valerie's memory slowly begins to return until she fully remembers everything that had occurred right before she fell. However, instead of reacting angrily like Devon had anticipated , Valerie is glad as well to finally have gotten close to Devon.

It is also worth noting that during this time, Valerie's amnesia causes her subconscious to take on its own persona, which contrasts sharply from how she would normally act, and was the reason why she readily believed Devon was her boyfriend and acted on those feelings. Valerie's new persona is also much less assertive, naive, and almost child-like, which causes Devon to take on a protective role around her.

Valerie decides to let Devon continue to believe she has amnesia until she feels the time is right. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned and their secret is found out by Valerie's former work place where Devon is still receiving services, as the two are seen together. Valerie is forced into a confrontation with her old coworkers (including some of whom had accused her of having feelings for Devon while she was still working there) and confesses everything to both her former job and Devon Having been found out, the two decide to leave and start over in a new state together

This is where the new story picks up....but fair warning..it gets weirder. I have a good majority of the plot figured out, as well as the details so I'll put them here.

Val and Devon have relocated to Oregon. Devon has easily found a job, and is supporting both him and Val, but she apparently is struggling with giving up her old career and identity and having to start over. One day at the mall while looking for jobs, the couple run into another former client , Nate, whom Val had less than a favorable experience with. Rather he had used Val as a scapegoat for his own lack of improvement and failure to make progress, and instead ridiculed her on a daily basis. Val is surprised to see Nate, and that he is now working as a mall security guard, as he had been a correctional officer when they had worked together.

Devon's jealous side gets the better of him as he instantly dislikes Nate and mistakes his sarcastic sense of humor and demeanor towards Val as him flirting with her. Val reassures Devon that he has nothing to worry about. While at the mall, Val notices a new lingerie store and decides to apply there as well, having worked in retail in the past. To her surprise, Val is hired on the spot immediately - as a model.The store owner seems a bit old fashioned and also makes a comment about Valerie "belonging" to Devon after seeing them together, which both find a bit strange, but ultimately dismiss it. The next day while Devon is at work, Val decides to call the lingerie store and accept the job. She excitedly tells Devon the news later that night, but Devon tells her he doesn't feel comfortable with her modeling lingerie. Val becomes hurt and tells Devon she wishes he would be more supportive of her having a hard time trying to find work, and that this is the first job offer she's gotten. Devon tells Val he is supportive of her, but would rather she wait until she hears from another job.

The next day, Val leaves for work, after having a fight with Devon and telling him she does not want to give up the job opportunity. As soon as she arrives at the store, Val is shocked to see Nate talking with the store manager. The store manager, Henry, says he and Nate have become friendly with him working as a security guard. Val doesn't like the idea of her new manager being friends with Nate, but tries to ignore it. Val is escorted to the back room of the store to prep for the lingerie costume she will be modeling. Val is quickly made over into a Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad lookalike- complete with a blonde wig and is instructed to return to the front of the store.

Upon seeing Henry again, Val becomes confused and asks where the presumed photo shoot will be. Henry laughs and tells her she is mistaken about the type of model she will be, and Nate injects her with a liquid filled syringe. Nate tells her that this is a type of drug that was given to more "difficult" prisoners that would temporarily paralyze them for a certain amount of time based on the dose of the injection. The side effects also include a plastic sheen look of the skin, causing the victim to look like a mannequin- as well as a truth serum before the effects of paralysis fully take over.. During this time, Nate is able to get Val to confess how she and Devon met .

Val is placed in the store window as a Harley Quinn mannequin and is told by Nate that she will receive another injection every two hours when the effects start to wear off.

So far, this is all I have. Eventually Devon will come looking for her and rescue her, but there's still a lot to cover in between, and afterwards. Like Nate verbally taunts Val in hr helpless state about Devon leaving her, once he thinks she left, and him (Devon) not being who she thinks he is. He also tells her if Devon doesn't find her, then she has to resign herself to this new fate of being trapped as a mannequin in the store.

But what else could he say to basically torture his victim?

Any and all feedback is GREATLY appreciated. As you can see, this took a long time to write out so I appreciate whoever takes the time to read through this and give me their thoughts

Thanks!!

 

[Swank]

Your first story is an awkward love story, and the sequel is horror or a thriller?

 

[The Judge]

I have to say that personally I don't find either story particularly congenial. I appreciate you're not looking for advice on the first book, but I would strongly urge you to think again about the relationship you're portraying there. It seems to me you've hoped to write something that is deeply romantic and lovely, and perhaps 30 years ago it would have been accepted as such, but nowadays it seems more like a study of obsession, inadequacy, male wish-fulfilment and lack of female agency. All those things are fine to write about, obviously, and a lot of trenchant criticism of society can come out of a novel in which they are featured, but an out-and-out romance in which they appear as good and acceptable things isn't going to be as acceptable nowadays. (Or, at least, I sincerely hope not.)

As to your second book, I have much the same concerns -- jealousy is an evil emotion, and again a novel which confronts it can be very powerful, but it shouldn't be treated as something which has to be accepted in a relationship, quite the reverse. As to the plot, I'm not sure why you feel the need for more sadism here, but presumably even if she's a mannequin, the man are capable of ripping off her underwear and forcing themselves upon her in some way, so the obvious threats are that they'll do just that at the end of the day.

However, instead of making Valerie a helpless -- and frankly stupid -- female who has to be rescued, why not give her some agency so she escapes by her own efforts, at least in part? If she's received professional training as a psychologist, surely she's got some intelligence and wit, and can work out how to create divisions between the two men, so they're fighting each other?

 

[Wayne Mack]

Looking at the open plot points, there are several possibilities.

Val is a psychologist with two captors. Perhaps, in her lucid moments, she sets up one against the other.

Devon knows where Val works and knows Nate. There are several possibilities for him. He could be the ultimate rescuer. He could try a rescue and also become captured. He could be a false lead and fail to affect the plot. He could be part of the plot, either at the start or later after discovering Val's location. The last choice would sort of be foreshadowed by Henry's statement that Val belongs to Devon.

Injections need to be given every two hours, yet shopping malls are typically closed 10pm to 10am, a twelve hour gap where Val would be in control of herself, though likely imprisoned. This might be a time period when she could plot her escape. She might also set traps or create hints in the store window. Perhaps she builds up some immunity to the drug and starts to gain control of her body again.

Are there other imprisoned models in the window? Perhaps these could become allies.

Depending upon how graphic you want the story to be, you could explore what Henry or Nate do in private while Val is immobilized.

You may want to incorporate a time element for something even worse to happen. Maybe something with a one or two month horizon. Do the changes become permanent? Is she shipped to another location or to another owner?

I hope this sparks some ideas on how you want the story to proceed.

Note: For some reason, the first story reminded me of this movie: Overboard with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell

 

[mistri]

I would say don't write sequels to books that are unlikely to be unpublished. And don't write two in a series that are super different to each other.

Finally, and perhaps another hard pill to swallow, I know how it is to be attached to old ideas and not want to move on and do something fresh and new - but as a writer you (and the world) will have moved on a lot in the last two years. Don't cling to an old story if it's just left on a laptop somewhere. Do something new that you are passionate about and (ideally but not necessarily) that you can picture where it would sit in a bookstore - what genre section is it in? Who is it going to read it? Who is reading books like the one you describe above? I'm not sure, tbh!