Looking for input on a synopsis

[magpie Asylum]

I know this isn't the usual use for this but I've been banging my head against the wall for weeks now trying to boil down my novel into a synopsis so if you have any input it would be greatly appreciated

What I have so far.

Synopsis

Dead God Rising

By: Seain Dunne​

In the far future city of Seawall Ian Dedikar a detective with the ability to perceive the digital world is hired by his old colleagues on the police force to help investigate the grizzly murders. The Fool’s Gambit, a merchant ship that arrived at the city with the whole crew decapitated and their heads missing.

During his investigation of the ship he discovers the presence of a dark force still lingering in the ships computer systems. He also finds an old mechanical toy bear that might have recorded the events on the ship.

In an attempt to recover data from the bear he enlists the aid of his old mentor and father figure Talbot how makes a living repairing long forgotten machines. Talbot repairs the machine but to Ian’s surprise the bear is a full and somewhat damaged sentient being called Tally.

Tally’s memories reveal an ancient artifact aboard the ship that could of held the dark force Dedikar felt in the ships systems.

Erica Carmicheal Dedikar’s old partner informs him that more murders have occurred. Rushing to the scene he discovers the press beat the police here. The murders seem to be the work of machines rather than people. On a hunch they seek out the reporter that broke the case. They find the woman running for her life from murderous automatons.

Erica and Dedikar face off against the machines in the fight Ian is pulled into Cyberspace and comes face to face with the dark force that seems to be behind these murders. Ian escapes the ghost in the machine and survives the fight.

As Dedikar investigates the murders he finds himself hunted by the machines as the next target of the dark force known as AMON. AMON also sews fear and panic across the city via message services and flash media resulting in several riots that complicate the case.

During his investigation Dedikar discovers a serial killer is also operating in concert with the demonic mind haunting the city. When the killer Amala is captured the investigators discover she has collected several heads herself and wired them into a crude computer. During interrogation Dedikar discovers this killer is like him and has been communing with AMON.

With the help of the City’s operating system Dedikar and his compatriots track down AMON in the bowls of the city to discover it is trying to rebuild itself using the neural tissue of its victims. Ian faces off with AMON destroying the overwind with a combination of technological spell craft and weaponized human trauma. The end of the book finds Ian healing for not only the ordeal of the case but old traumas he has finally been able to resolve.

 

[OuttaInc]

I apologize in advance if this comes across as harsh, but you did ask for input.

I wouldn't read this book based on this synopsis. It's not the plot; it's the poor grammar, the lack of punctuation, the typos... (I'm going to be generous and assume that "could of held" and "sews fear" were simply typos)... It all distracted from the synopsis itself.

I know it's boring, but it's worth it to pick up a handbook of grammar and give it a read. If you want to write for an audience, you must have a good command of the basic rules of writing. If you don't have time to study a longer manual, The Elements of Style by Strunk and White is a classic and only 85 pages long.

For what it's worth, I thought the plot itself seemed interesting.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Here is a reference that might help, How to Write a Novel Synopsis | Jane Friedman

I'll let some of the more experienced writers comment, but some things that bothered me were:

Punctuation. I felt missing punctuation made it hard to parse the more complex sentences.

Typos.

father figure Talbot how (who?)

the ships (ship's) systems

AMON also sews (sows) fear

in the bowls (bowels) of the city

destroying the overwind (overmind?)

The opening paragraph seemed to be information dense and slightly out of order. Perhaps lead with the arrival of the ship and omit

with the ability to perceive the digital world is hired by his old colleagues on the police force

as this adds little relevant information. I would have also liked to be explicitly told the type of merchant ship. Is it a seafaring vessel, an air craft, a space ship?

The concluding line made me feel that the synopsis skipped the end of the book.

The end of the book finds Ian healing for not only the ordeal of the case but old traumas he has finally been able to resolve.

What is Ian recovering from? What are these old traumas that have only been mentioned in the last line. Either omit this line or include the information in the appropriate sections of the synopsis.

 

[magpie Asylum]

Thank you guys. Your input wasn't harsh and I have thick skin. I know I suck at grammar, that's why I hired an editor....lol

Here's version 2

Synopsis

Dead God Rising

By: Seain Dunne

In the far future city of Seawall, the merchant vessel The Fool’s Gambit arrives port late in the middle of the night. The ship’s crew are all found dead with their heads missing. In addition to the crew, the night Dock Master is murdered as well.

Ian Dedikar a former police investigator turned occult detective is hired by his former colleagues to assist in the investigation. His police career came to an end when his obsession with a serial killer lead to a confrontation with the suspect that eventually killed himself with Dedikar’s own weapon. Now still haunted by guilt and the digital ghosts of the city, Dedikar is given a chance at redemption.

During his investigation of the ship he discovers the presence of a dark force still lingering in the ship’s computer systems. A shadow of some other worldly being. A contact that leaves a dark presence on Dedikar’s soul. He is also bothered by the murmurs he hears around the ship that no one else seems to.

He also finds an old mechanical toy bear that might have recorded the events on the ship. In an attempt to recover data from the bear he enlists the aid of his old mentor and father figure Talbot, who makes a living repairing long forgotten machines. Talbot repairs the machine but to Ian’s surprise the bear is a full and somewhat damaged sentient being called Tally.

Tally’s memories reveal a tragic past, and more recently an ancient artifact aboard the ship that may have contained the dark force Dedikar felt in the ship’s systems.


Erica Carmicheal, Dedikar’s old partner, informs him that more murders have occurred. Rushing to the scene, he discovers the press beat the police there. The murders seem to be the work of machines rather than people based on their speed and efficiency. On a hunch they seek out the reporter that broke the case hoping to find more information. They find the woman running for her life from murderous automatons.

Erica and Dedikar face off against the machines in the fight, and Ian is pulled into Cyberspace and comes face to face with the dark force that seems to be behind these murders. Ian escapes the ghost in the machine and survives the fight.

As Dedikar investigates the murders he finds himself hunted by the machines as the next target of the dark force known as AMON. AMON also sows fear and panic across the city via message services and flash media resulting in several riots that complicate the case. He also finds the haunting murmurs are the voice of a synthetic mind in the city. The city’s long forgotten operating system that seems to be warning him of a approaching catastrophe.

During his investigation Dedikar discovers a serial killer is also operating in concert with the demonic mind haunting the city. When the killer, Amala, is captured the investigators discover she has collected several heads herself and has wired them into a crude computer. During interrogation, Dedikar discovers this killer is like him and has been communicating with AMON.


With the help of the City’s operating system, Dedikar, and his compatriots track down AMON in the bowels of the city to discover it is trying to rebuild itself using the neural tissue of its victims. Ian faces off with AMON—destroying the over-mind with a combination of technological spell craft and weaponized human trauma. The end of the book finds Ian healing from not only the ordeal of the case but old traumas he has finally been able to resolve.