I hit 30 posts, so I get to submit an opening for critique. It is.... not ready for primetime yet, so any help would be welcome.
Detective Epimetheus
On a sunny March day in the 168th street subway station, a woman with one umbrella sat down next to a man with two.
“Why are you carrying that?” The man said, pointing his food towards her umbrella, “It’s a lovely day out.”
“I’m working late, and there’s a chance of rain tonight. The National Weather Service radar showed some clouds moving in.”
“Ah, a woman with foresight. So rare in your generation.”
Dorothy Lawrence, the woman in question, looked sideways at the older man. “I guess we’re too busy dealing with all the crap your generation’s stuck us with to look too far ahead.”
The older man chuckled, a small smile stretching across dark skin, and turned his eyes away. “I can’t argue with that. Me and mine have caused some problems for a lot of the ones who came after. But we thought we were doing the right things. Well, most of us anyway.”
The 1 train came, and Dorothy and the older man stepped on. It was then that Dorothy saw the man’s two umbrellas. One was a standard collapsing kind, notable only for its yellow color, a slight variation from the traditional New York black. The other was a beautiful straight umbrella. Its silver handle ended in a eagle’s head with amber eyes and its fabric was a deep crimson with what Dorothy recognized as a Greek key pattern in gold running along the edge. She was going to mention it, but then the doors closed and a busker started playing drums on a bucket, rendering any attempt at conversation pointless. The “musician” was onto another train car in two stops, but by then the moment passed. Dorothy occupied herself checking the discussion boards in her courses until the doors opened at the 66th exit, and the older man brushed by her on the way out.
“Lovely to meet you, miss. If you don’t mind taking advice from an old man, walk up 60th street when you get off and cross over on 10th. You’ll avoid the film crew that way.”
The old man smiled and walked off the train, and Dorothy saw that he was only holding his green umbrella and tried to shout, but the doors closed. She turned and saw that his beautiful red umbrella had indeed been left under his seat and grabbed it. If the man took the same trip tomorrow she could return it to him. If not, it never hurt to have a spare. She then got off at the Columbus Circle Station, and started walking west on 59th street. She made it half a block before her path was obstructed by a large silver truck and some signage reading “closed: filming in process.” After 45 seconds of checking for away around the blockade, she gave up and doubled back.
“Should have listened to the old man.” Dorothy said to herself, and then stopped. How had he known that there would be filming at 59th street? And how did he know that she was getting off at that station? She shook her head. He must have figured that she was getting off soon because of how close she was standing to the train doors. And the film crew? Well, it was common enough in the city. She made her way back to Columbus Circle and walked uptown a block before resuming her journey, this time on 60th.
Detective Epimetheus
On a sunny March day in the 168th street subway station, a woman with one umbrella sat down next to a man with two.
“Why are you carrying that?” The man said, pointing his food towards her umbrella, “It’s a lovely day out.”
“I’m working late, and there’s a chance of rain tonight. The National Weather Service radar showed some clouds moving in.”
“Ah, a woman with foresight. So rare in your generation.”
Dorothy Lawrence, the woman in question, looked sideways at the older man. “I guess we’re too busy dealing with all the crap your generation’s stuck us with to look too far ahead.”
The older man chuckled, a small smile stretching across dark skin, and turned his eyes away. “I can’t argue with that. Me and mine have caused some problems for a lot of the ones who came after. But we thought we were doing the right things. Well, most of us anyway.”
The 1 train came, and Dorothy and the older man stepped on. It was then that Dorothy saw the man’s two umbrellas. One was a standard collapsing kind, notable only for its yellow color, a slight variation from the traditional New York black. The other was a beautiful straight umbrella. Its silver handle ended in a eagle’s head with amber eyes and its fabric was a deep crimson with what Dorothy recognized as a Greek key pattern in gold running along the edge. She was going to mention it, but then the doors closed and a busker started playing drums on a bucket, rendering any attempt at conversation pointless. The “musician” was onto another train car in two stops, but by then the moment passed. Dorothy occupied herself checking the discussion boards in her courses until the doors opened at the 66th exit, and the older man brushed by her on the way out.
“Lovely to meet you, miss. If you don’t mind taking advice from an old man, walk up 60th street when you get off and cross over on 10th. You’ll avoid the film crew that way.”
The old man smiled and walked off the train, and Dorothy saw that he was only holding his green umbrella and tried to shout, but the doors closed. She turned and saw that his beautiful red umbrella had indeed been left under his seat and grabbed it. If the man took the same trip tomorrow she could return it to him. If not, it never hurt to have a spare. She then got off at the Columbus Circle Station, and started walking west on 59th street. She made it half a block before her path was obstructed by a large silver truck and some signage reading “closed: filming in process.” After 45 seconds of checking for away around the blockade, she gave up and doubled back.
“Should have listened to the old man.” Dorothy said to herself, and then stopped. How had he known that there would be filming at 59th street? And how did he know that she was getting off at that station? She shook her head. He must have figured that she was getting off soon because of how close she was standing to the train doors. And the film crew? Well, it was common enough in the city. She made her way back to Columbus Circle and walked uptown a block before resuming her journey, this time on 60th.
