Write an opening that would stop you buying a book

THX1138

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The General stood at the top of the hill looking at the enemy encampment down below. Taking his helmet off he addressed his army with grand hand gestors.

"Friends! This day we shall meet our foe upon the field of battel and yes, lives well be lost! As I gaze upon their innocent camp, asleep and unaware of what is about to happen, I feel sad as tears fill my eyes! For they! Yes my fellow friends, they will live their last days this morning. And truly I must say, I am full of grief and believe, as you too must feel as I, that this battle is already lost to all sides that endeavor upon it!" He said lowering his head.

"But sir, we out number them ten to one." Replied the soldier standing next to him.

The General suddenly straightened up and swinging his arm out, knocked the soldier down backwards. "The sun will rise tomorrow on an emptier and lonelier world void of the life that is.."

"We'll pay you double and give you and extra ration of ale." Stated the Field Commander.

"Two extra ration?" The General asked eyeing him.

"All the ale you want."

"Agreed." Putting his helmet back on he threw his chest out and drew his sword, and in a mighty voice cried out. "Follow me into battle men! For tonight we shall dine on their flesh and drink of their blood in victory! Attack!!" He yelled while running down the hill.

"Is he the temp?" Asked the soldier.

"Yep." Replied the Field Commander. "And that's the last time we're going through 'Rent a General'. Have the archers send a few volleys of arrows down there. And get the Calvery off that Merry-go-round, they look stupid on that thing. Besides, I want a chance on it too."

Drawing out his own sword he gave the command as the last volley flew overhead. "Arms to the ready! On my command! Never mind, they got him."
 
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TheEndIsNigh

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The General stood at the top of the hill looking at the enemy encampment down below. Taking his helmet off he addressed his army with grand hand gestors.

"Friends! This day we shall meet our foe upon the field of battel and yes, lives well be lost! As I gaze upon their innocent camp, asleep and unaware of what is about to happen, I feel sad as tears fill my eyes! For they! Yes my fellow friends, they will live their last days this morning. And truly I must say, I am full of grief and believe, as you too must feel as I, that this battle is already lost to all sides that endeavor upon it!" He said lowering his head.

"But sir, we out number them ten to one." Replied the soldier standing next to him.

The General suddenly straightened up and swinging his arm out, knocked the soldier down backwards. "The sun will rise tomorrow on an emptier and lonelier world void of the life that is.."

"We'll pay you double and give you and extra ration of ale." Stated the Field Commander.

"Two extra ration?" The General asked eyeing him.

"All the ale you want."

"Agreed." Putting his helmet back on he threw his chest out and drew his sword, and in a mighty voice cried out. "Follow me into battle men! For tonight we shall dine on their flesh and drink of their blood in victory! Attack!!" He yelled while running down the hill.

"Is he the temp?" Asked the soldier.

"Yep." Replied the Field Commander. "And that's the last time we're going through 'Rent a General'. Have the archers send a few volleys of arrows down there. And get the Calvery off that Merry-go-round, they look stupid on that thing. Besides, I want a chance on it too."

Drawing out his own sword he gave the command as the last volley flew overhead. "Arms to the ready! On my command! Never mind, they got him."
Should this be in the critiques?

This is for openings that are... Rubbish.

This one seems OK to me. A bit far fetched maybe, but this a site for SFF. :sneaky:
 

worldofmutes

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Dennis Quaalude looked out of his shuttle at the lude nude naked dancing stars twinkling in a galaxy far away, thinking only, I wonder if those stars out there twinkling at me are diamonds, cobalt, carbon, or cherry. Ah, they make me the happiest-man-not-on-earth.

There was a ‘rumble in the jungle’, the jungle being his primitive spacspule where the terrarium full of beasts (1 each of both sexes, shmale and shemale)- habitated.

“Sounds like a cat fight between two wild pelicans! Right, commander Spcok?” Talking distantly and faintly tantalized by the roast quail in his port-a-kitchen, simmering in its juices inside of a nehctik raport. That’s basically a sauce pan in layman’s terms…

And so, commander Spock extended his thumb and proclaimed it a well and good cheeri-o day for sautééd Pelican. “You’re absolutely correct, dear boy. We have already roasted the quail, hmm… yes… indeed.”

“Good thing you come with 4 fingers, Mr. Spock. It’s finger food!”
 

THX1138

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Should this be in the critiques?

This is for openings that are... Rubbish.

This one seems OK to me. A bit far fetched maybe, but this a site for SFF. :sneaky:
For me, this is rubbish. Rent a General?
If you enjoyed it that much, then I must be on to something. And going off of Astro Pen's post...I fell it fits the bill.
Would you read a book about a fantasy army that relies on a temp firm for its leadership? A Temp Firm...What time in history is that? Just saying, to me it fits the bill. Darth Vader as their temp general? :eek:
 

hitmouse

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Portrait of the Office Worker as a Middle-Aged Man (First Part of the octology - Life of a Modern Man)

The alarm clock went off. It was 6 am. Jones got out of bed and dressed himself. Then he made some breakfast and ate it. After that he brushed his teeth and hair, took his briefcase and left the flat. He went downstairs and waited by the bus stop until the morning bus arrived to take him to work. After 15 minutes he left the bus and entered the office block where he worked. He took the lift to the fourth floor, entered his office and sat at his desk. He switched on his computer and started checking through his emails. Then he printed out the important ones, replied to the others and deleted the spam messages. He made a cup of coffee and drank it. Then he began typing the first of his business reports.
…the desktop was an old Dell-clone, part of a bulk company contract. It had 3 USB 2 ports, 2 HDMI ports, 3 other unidentified and never used ports, a power lead connector, and audio and video outputs. The cables were kept neat by grey plastic Maplins cable ties. The HDMI cable connecting the computer to the intranet was blue. A beige plastic case with 2 fans, front and rear, enclosed the 250 W PSU, a CX48641-z765 Micro-ATX motherboard manufactured in China, a 10 year old Zo164948/32q#yy39 CPU with integrated graphics chip. The on-off button was at the top right corner of the front of the case, and lit up blue when pressed. There was a DVD reader just below that. There were some yellow and green LEDs at the back of the machine that lit up when the machine came on, but which were invisible unless the pc was pulled away from the wall, which was rarely necessary. The video screen, an Iyyama 31057 xgind-9, was 3 years old and had an integrated webcam, but could not manage 4K video. The angle of the screen was adjustable but not the height. The PC took 4 minutes 35 seconds to boot up which was enough time to get a cup of instant coffee. It still ran windows XP. Next to the screen was an old Kyocera desktop B&W laser printer. The toner cartridges lasted for several years. Far more economical than a inkjet printer, even taking into account the greater initial outlay.
 
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Astro Pen

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This is for openings that are... Rubbish.

No, this isn't for openings that are rubbish.
Just the opposite.

I started the thread to find what it was that puts people off a book, in an opening paragraph, when browsing. Those subtle cues that swing a purchase decision.
It was to help analyse a key moment in the buying decision. Probably the most important decision point after the cover design and sleeve blurb.
Unfortunately the thread was hijacked by comedians and 'wise guys' who did fill it with rubbish.:rolleyes:
50% of the team made a serious effort, and I thank them.
 
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JS Wiig

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Unfortunately the thread was hijacked by comedians and 'wise guys' who did fill it with rubbish.:rolleyes:
Stupid internet!
 

Ambrose

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It was cold. The sun had switched off three days ago, though the stars provided at least some light.
Over to the left smoke rose from the hovel.
 

THX1138

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No, this isn't for openings that are rubbish.
Just the opposite.

I started the thread to find what it was that puts people off a book, in an opening paragraph, when browsing. Those subtle cues that swing a purchase decision.
It was to help analyse a key moment in the buying decision. Probably the most important decision point after the cover design and sleeve blurb.
Unfortunately the thread was hijacked by comedians and 'wise guys' who did fill it with rubbish.:rolleyes:
50% of the team made a serious effort, and I thank them.
Your are looking for Case Studies as to Why someone would put the book back.
That does make a different then. I now understand the point of your post. :(

I'm going to go back to the beginning of your post and study it more with this in mind.

Sorry for my part.
 

THX1138

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Square root of the Bird Squared


The night was coming to an end and the Detective poured himself a glass something or other to celebrate the completion of his investigation of Mr. Jones for his client Mrs. Jones. It was true, Mr. Jones was having an affair just as Mrs. had thought. Leaning back in his chair, he admired the bright yellow amber, clear invisible color of the drink in the glass he held when a notice came up on the computer screen, a warrant for the arrest of Mrs. Jones. The Detective let go of the glass as he leaned closer to get a better look. The glass made no sound when it hit the floor because it wasn’t there in the first place.

“Mrs. Jones skipped her court date. Other detectives are suing her for lying about Mr. Jones who does not exist. If interested in becoming a Bondsmen, click the green button below.” He read outloud.

He answered a few Yes and or No questions, and a short time later he was a ‘One Arrest a Day Bondsmen' as the holographic certificate he now was holding said. And the best part was it had no expiration date, and it came with a Vaporizer Stun Gun too!

“If I get in trouble as a bondsman, I'll have to investigate myself. And if so as a detective, I know I will skip my court date and then I'll have to arrest myself for that! This could be a problem. I’ll have to get a clone. But that won’t work either! I’m not going to split the reward credits with a clone. I’m going to keep it for myself!”

He then put on his hat and coat as he went outside and into the self-flying taxi that was waiting for him. He'll give Mrs. Jones his investigation report and get paid the rest of the deposit for investigating Mr. Jones. Then he'll arrest her and get paid for bringing her in for the missed court date.

“Why get two birds once when you can get the same bird twice!” He said to the other passenger in the self-flying taxi, who quickly exited the vehicle just as it started to fly away.
 

THX1138

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This is a lot harder than it sounds.

I started with something simple.

I woke up this morning when my alarm clock went off.

I thought that was good and cheesy, and on some submission guidelines is explicitly listed as an immediate rejection. Then I couldn't help myself...

That's the trouble with these new, all-biological living alarm clocks, they stink really quickly after they die in the night.

The Biskitetta informs me that she wants to read the rest of it.

My next thoughts were of a stench that could wake the dead, which turns this into a future Sci-Fi vampire story.

I shall put myself back on the shelf and think again. :censored:
Oh yes. It is harder then it looks! I at first was like others that followed, and wrote some good, and not so good comedic story beginnings that are on the most part, funny and have potential with some work in their own rights!... But that is not the guidelines of the post. This post does take some thinking for sure!
 

Elckerlyc

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In a land far, far away, both in distance and time, there once stood a house on a hill. This house was large and strong with several bold, cloud-piercing towers and was very, very old. Despite its age it stood untainted by any sign of decay and was thought to be indestructible. Until it was, utterly and completely, with everything in it. It was done in a single moment by a small person, a girl, who named herself Tanja and the next day Sylvia or Gertrude or anything else that came to mind, because she did not remember her true name. Only that she came from a land far, far away, both in distance and time.



Make your choice. Was this written by
a - comedian
b - wise guy
c - other
 

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