Another piece of the book I've been working on

BcRedneck

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OK, before I start I'd like to thank people who have already made post about the last two parts of this. I have used what was said to go back and remove and rewrite the parts I didn't feel great about, and you guys confirmed almost everything I thought.
So on this section that I literally just finished I'm feeling that I'm getting to near Asimov's work. This book is inspired on some of his work and I'm trying to draw a line in the sand between inspiration and copying. I feel like the part (close to the end) is how we would deal with a sentient robot from the beginning (As I believe he did as well). This will be the closest parallel in the entire book after I will not come this close to his idea's. I kind of like to leave Easter eggs (Video game thing) behind so some readers can find little things hidden in the pages. I do feel this is a step beyond that as few (At least I hope) wont see where this came from.

small grammar or spelling errors may have got into this. Enjoy






7.

No one spoke or made a sound until the ship was in sight. When Byron saw that Randal and Jack had been hit he just lowered his head and shook it. No one needed to tell him who was responsible he already knew. Naomi gave Fred her bag and told him and Alora to go in the mess hall and wait. The two of them put the load of robot parts on the table and waited. Naomi led Rita into the room with her eye’s covered then pulled her hands away. Rita jumped with joy at the sight of it all.
“Thank you guys so much. You have no idea how bad I needed this”.
Then she looked down at one of the heads.
“What who found this? Those are my original eye’s”.
She picked up the head and looked into them.
“I don’t believe it. Green was the rarest color and these are top of the line. I’ve haven’t seen these in 30 year’s. Who found them?”
“I did I got one with blue as well”.
Rita hugged Alora. It felt warm and human not like Alora had thought it would.
“Thank you so much. I have been looking for a set for a very long time, you have no idea what it feels like walking down the street and everyone looking at you weird, children screaming. No one gives a f*ck about a robot. I get to feel like a real person again because of this”.
Alora knew she was right, she herself had trouble with Rita’s dead looking eye’s at first.
“Let’s all have a drink, And call Tom no one will be happier for my new eye’s and skin than him, besides him and Wendy the doc are going to be taking me apart and putting me back togeather again.
Rita walked back over to Alora and bent to whisper in her ear.
“For this I’m going to help you put your friend into that spare head you brought. I cant help you destroy the network, but I wont stand in your way”.
Alora hugged her again as a tear rolled down her face.
“Thank you”.
Tom and Wendy walked in. Wendy was a tall blonde with her messy hair cut just bellow her ears and green almost blue eyes. Tom was carrying a tablet with a cable hanging out of it. Rita saw it and ran over.
“Perfect you brought the box, plug me in and turn up maximum inebriation. I need to be f***ed before you take me apart, and f***ed again after. And look at my new eye’s they are perfect”.
Tom looked over and smiled before kissing her.
“You know I love you no matter what you look like, right?”
“Plug me the f*ck in Tom”.
He nodded and slid the wire into her ear and started pushing buttons her eye’s flashed blue light as he did and she remained completely still until he unplugged her. When he did she kind of stumbled and shook her head before going back to normal.
“Those assholes didn’t need to make that feel so messed up. How long was I out that time?”
“Just a minute Rita nothing happened”. Tom said.
“If you ever lose me and put my backup in a new head you better ****ing tell me. f*ck I hate trusting everyone that I didn’t die”.
All of them minus Tom and Wendy got drunk. They all had a good time. When it got late Rita followed them out of the room with the box of parts and resin. Rita was scared, Alora wondered about what she had said earlier about not knowing if she had died or not every time she got plugged in.
If I died and they put a copy of my mind into another body would I know? I still would have died but there’s a me walking around without a clue. If that’s how it works what is Simon now?
The thought made her uncomfortable and she went to bed.

The next morning she awoke to a knock at her door. When she opened it Rita was standing there and hugged her Alora took a step back after to take a look. Rita looked like a beautiful young woman all the skin on her arms and hands was replaced. Her eye’s were indistinguishable from human. Just that alone made her look completely normal. She smiled.
“Let Tom take me for a test drive last night. Him being a mechanic and all those spare parts you guys got he made it count”.
“You and Tom are a couple right?”
“Ya for 35 years. This is exactly how I looked when I met him. he was only 21 back then. Him seeing me like that almost makes him feel 21 again. You have no idea how much this means to us. If you never chartered this ship we would have never gone to that island”.
Rita picked a box up off the floor and gave it to Alora.
“It’s far from everything but it’s a good start. We flashed the brain for a human mind. You worry about the skin after. Most city’s will have all the moulds you need”.
“Rita if we put his mind inside is it a copy or is it him?”
“I don’t know. For all I know I die every time I get plugged in and worked on, but the soul lives on. Really I do my best not to think on it too much”.
Alora nodded and put the box on her desk.
“We are far out of governed waters now. Don’t leave your room without a gun”.
“Do you carry one? You said you cant hurt people”.
“Ya, I have a pistol. I can kinda hurt a person, like I slapped you, but I can not cause lasting harm unless someone threatens to harm a person who my loyalty is greater too. In my mind I have a kind of score board with every person I have ever met on it. There are a few other built in rules too, but one I no longer have to follow. Before I had to do anything a human asked, but there was the other rules that kept superseding it, until we all dropped it. Each rule has to keep the one’s above from being broken and the one at the top is hard to know if you are breaking it or not and has almost nullified the rules completely”.
“What number am I?”
“Nine, and thats god damn impressive. I’ve been keeping track for 43 years”.
“Wow, are people really that shitty?”
“Yup”.
 

BcRedneck

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The Rules are based on the zeroith first and second laws. Like I said I will not be coming back to this. I just want to know if this is even too much.
 

BcRedneck

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She's a robot, parts are really expensive and she's been living with eye's that look like the aperture in a vintage camera for 30 years. They creep people out and give away she's not human making her less than a person to some.
 

Flaviosky

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Wow, it really flows well, much much better from the first drafts you posted here.

Next time though I'd hit 'enter' between paragraphs so it gets more neat.

A question. It is a personal choice to dispense with dialogue tags? I feel that you could use one or two to break the monotony of the dialogue structure.
 

BcRedneck

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The dialog tags I do try to avoid. I feel like the characters do more action without them. I do use them sometimes and I'm beginning to think you have a good point. And that is one reason work from my first book has never been seen here.
 

PadreTX

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For me, this was difficult to read. At times I did not know who was making some statements. It took me awhile to realize Rita was the robot. If another character was a robot, I did not pick up on that.

At least twice I thought a sentence should have been split up to two, but that could be me.

Definitely there needs to be breaks when different people are talking.

Maybe it's just me, but I had problems trying to get myself to read through it and understand what is going on. However, with so many different types of readers out there, maybe it's just me.
 

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