Baptism (615 words)

[Betok_Haney]

Thank you for taking the time to read my first critique post. This is the story's opening scene. I am interested in all critique and recommendations. Questions that I have include:

** Does the writing flow well? Is it easy to read?
** Does the opening offer a hook to want you to read more?
** Is there too much, or too little descriptive text? Am I telling more than showing, or is there a good balance?

Again, thank you!

A young woman emerged into the chamber, clutching her newborn son. As she entered, she gazed in wonder at this holy space, hidden from most. Sunlight poured through the windowed dome high above, draping across the marbled stone chamber in golden curtains, illuminating colorful iconography depicting great defenders of the faith. At the center of the chamber, a bronze brazier released lazy drifts of smoke, creating a light haze and releasing the sweet aromas of pine and sage. The priest, dressed in his opulent robes, stood in the middle of the chamber on a raised dais with his acolyte hovering close behind him.

The priest solemnly regarded the woman’s diminutive frame and fearful countenance. She was one of a select few, and he considered her fortunate, despite her miserable appearance.

“Come, child” he said, motioning for her to draw closer.

She hesitated, and then padded toward the priest. When she reached him, she genuflected, her eyes downcast.

“Who are you?” the priest asked.

“I am a child of The Four,” she answered.

“Why do you come?”

“So that my son may be baptized in service to—”

“No,” the priest interrupted, holding up a hand.

She winced, recognizing her error.

“So that this child may be baptized in service to The Church,” she corrected.

The priest nodded, and the acolyte approached her and collected the child in his arms. The priest dismissed her, and she retreated to the side of the chamber.

The priest turned his face upward and muttered a silent prayer. After a few moments, he lowered his gaze and began the ritual.

“I evoke the name of the Infinite Wisdom, Lyggat, so you may discern the true path with clear mind,” the priest said as he dipped his finger in a bowl of dark oil and drew a smear across the child’s forehead.

“I evoke the name of the Eternal Fire, Sjordat, to ignite your heart with desire to serve The Church, even when overcome with pain,” he said as he took a small brand from the brazier and pressed the red-hot tip onto the child’s chest, searing the Defender’s Mark over his heart. The child screamed with pain as the acolyte struggled to hold him. The priest continued, unfazed, his voice rising above the child’s cries.

“I evoke the name of the Limitless Strength, Minyat, to forge your body as weapon and shield against the enemy, the heretic, the heathen,” he said as he took the ceremonial blade from a table and made tiny cuts on the child’s arms and legs, drawing beads of blood. The chamber continued to echo with the child’s screams. The mother covered her mouth with one hand, stepping forward and reaching out toward her son. The acolyte glared at her and shook his head, halting her advance.

“And I evoke the name of the Abysmal Spirit, Aanat, to fill your soul with the purpose that has been created in you,” the priest said as he smeared the child’s blood into a network of interconnecting lines to the chest brand.

The priest raised his hands, palms up, and concluded, “With this rite, I bless this child by the names of The Four, and thereby consecrate his life in service. May his burdens be our salvation.”

He turned to the woman and nodded to his acolyte.

“You may have a moment,” the priest said.

She approached them and the acolyte handed her the crying, squirming baby. She gathered her son against her chest and rocked him gently from side to side. She wept as she consoled him, for she knew she would never hold him again, and this would be the last time she would see him alive.

 

[The Judge]

First of all, well done for putting something up. It's always a nerve-racking process, but it's only with feedback that we can improve. So give yourself a pat on the back for braving Critiques!

This was certainly interesting read. To take your questions in turn

• I thought it flowed fine, and it was easy to read
• the opening para itself certainly isn't of the hookiest, and though the end gave a good hook which might encourage me to read a little more, I'm not sure I'd have got to that end if I'd picked this up elsewhere
• for me the front-loading of the description was a bit too much, and it could perhaps be incorporated better within the whole
• it was a bit tell-y, but I think that arises from how you've chosen to tell it

Leaving aside for the moment the deliberate injury to a child in the name of religion**, for me there's a major issue that affected my enjoyment of the extract -- by using an omniscient POV you're keeping the reader at a distance. As a result most readers will not be nearly as involved and invested in the story as they could be, which means they're less likely to read on. The failure to give the woman a name starts it off on the wrong foot for me, since we feel less empathetic to nameless people than to those with a name, and that's compounded by dumping all the description there at the beginning.

This is clearly an important scene and I'd suggest that to make the most of it, you use a closer POV, so we get more feeling and emotion -- in effect, doing more showing by getting inside the characters, not just viewing them from afar and telling us about them. The most obvious route would be to increase the pathos of the scene by using the poor mother as your POV character, with all her regret and perhaps desperation, but equally you could also use the priest himself, rather overweening and slightly contemptuous, perhaps, with a bored delivery of his POV, while the acolyte might be sympathetic to the mother's agony but still holding some excitement as to the ceremony itself.

Each will give a different flavour to the opening, and much will depend on the tone of the whole story as to how you want to begin, but for me a close POV would provide a better way into the story. It would also require you to give us a bit more of a hint as to why it's necessary for the child to be branded etc, which wouldn't go amiss -- I don't mind having questions about why something is happening, but it can help retain reader interest if a few clues are laid.

If you decided to change the POV, then I'd suggest you also change how you give the description, so that it better reflects the POV character. The woman, for instance, isn't going to worry about light and lazy smoke, she's going to be fixated on the brazier and blade, while the acolyte might be losing himself in the holy light and incense and sense of occasion.

Anyhow, well done for an intriguing piece, and good luck with it!


** on Chrons we don't discuss religion, of course, so could everyone please refrain from drawing parallels with babies/children and religious ceremonies in real life

 

[JS Wiig]

All-in-all very well done.

Only thing that I wonder is, why would the woman knowingly put her child into this situation then react the way she did? Did she know the details of the ritual, the burning and cutting? The end line indicates she knows something of it, then why is she putting herself and the baby through this?

Of course these could all be questions answered later on, and I would definitely keep reading to learn their answers.

 

[Betok_Haney]

@The Judge, thank you for your insight. I thought I had reasons for the POV I chose, but am considering your suggestions to help with the story. Thank you.

I also hope that I did not offend with the violence to children - there is a purpose to this for sure, and it needed (well, needed in my opinion) to be harsh as it was; however, your comments made me remember to be careful why I am writing something, not just to throw things on a page. My story is one of wrestling with faith and doubt, and I am working to develop some contrasts with this child's beginnings, and others in the story. I will be mindful of my words and ideas, with care to respect others.

Again, thank you for the great comments. They were exactly what I was looking for, with some thoughtful and deep surprises!

 

[Betok_Haney]

All-in-all very well done.

Only thing that I wonder is, why would the woman knowingly put her child into this situation then react the way she did? Did she know the details of the ritual, the burning and cutting? The end line indicates she knows something of it, then why is she putting herself and the baby through this?

Of course these could all be questions answered later on, and I would definitely keep reading to learn their answers.

These are the questions I wanted the reader to ask, given this scene, so mission accomplished? Thank you for the kind comments

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Overall, it's intriguing and held my interest. The writing flowed well and was easy to read.

I'd echo @ The_Judge's comments on the use of omniscient POV distancing the reader and the opening paragraph needing to hook us in. Having the main characters as woman and priest rather than as named characters also made us feel like distant observers rather than close to the action, imho.

Actually Judge is pretty bang on with her comments above and I don't really have much else to add.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Your writing has strong imagery, though, for me it was a bit brutal.

To me, this read as a prologue, which worked against it as an opening hook. There are four unnamed characters, making it hard to determine which, if any, will become the main character of the story. Whose story is this intended to be?

One area of wording threw me at the start:

A young woman emerged into the chamber

I interpret emerge as meaning to exit and not to enter. That immediately jarred me, though I did fall back into the story during the remaining sentences in the paragraph.

For me, the scene evoked strong imagery, perhaps too strong. The lack of an identifiable lead character, however, made me question the need for the scene and I would skip ahead in the text before making a decision as to whether to select this tale for reading. Maintain your descriptive capabilities, but consider whether the story will justify the level of initial cruelty (which, truthfully, bothered me).

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Thanks for that @Betok_Haney , I thought it flowed well, and was easy to read. The hook worked, but came a little late for me. Apologies, I can't really answer the third question.
You're clearly a skilled writer and I had a good image of what was going on (had to look up the word brazier, but that's no fault of the writing!). I think the comments above hit the nail on the head about it being slightly distant in terms of the viewpoint. For me the last line was everything -she knew it would be the last time she would see him alive ...serious stuff, she's going to outlive him and she knows it; how? why?, I think that's the hook and it might work a bit better earlier on. I'm doing an evening course in creative writing at the moment and the dude teaching it said that it's best to throw everything at the reader straight off -a lot of stories seem to do it, and it might be worth experimenting with having that piece of information come in earlier.
The cruelty part didn't bother me as it felt like they were just doing whatever it is they get up to in their world.
Am jealous of your descriptive ability, I reckon it did the job ...no idea if there was too much or too little, but I suppose that's sort of an answer to Q3!
Best of luck with it.

 

[AllanR]

First, I found it flowed well, though the first paragraph did bog me down.
I found the ritual interesting, though was drawn out of immersion by the terminology used. I find baptism, priest and even church too similar to specific existing religions and this distracted me from the one being presented. I would imagine a religion would name thier rituals toward what is happening (the word baptism comes from Ancient Greek -immerse, dip in water). Heretic and heathen seemed to be thrown out as synonyms as well.
I would have liked to have more of a feel of what the mother is going through. Maybe bring the pov a little closer to her, I kinda felt like I was hovering near the ceiling...
Did it hook me, not really, though I don't read much fantasy. It didn't drive me away either.

 

[msstice]

1. Overall, very promising piece
2. Put more color into the clinical descriptions. The writing is a bit too detached at the start. Perhaps make the chamber foreboding, the characters sinister and so on, via the tone of the description. Your choice, like @The Judge says. I don't think it's the omniscient POV. I'm rereading Dune and am reminded at how well omniscient can be done. LOTR similarly is a gripping omniscient POV.
3. The maiming of the baby is powerful but it was almost too much for me. I'm an odd duck. Ever since I had my own baby I can't sit through movies/stories where kids die or are badly hurt. Regardless, the start of the piece sets the tone for the book. Food for thought. Is the whole book going to be gory. Even more gory? I would hesitate on that point.
4. The wording at the end has to be careful. (I actually wasn't reading carefully enough and another critique brought it to my attention. "this would be the last time she would see him alive" It has a nice double edge to it. It could be that he will grow up and fight for the cult and only when he dies (in battle, old age whatever) will she see him OR well, this is child sacrifice. This is a big, big range. I get this as a great hook (and perhaps you could open with this) but it's also a double edged sword. (mea culpa, mixed metaphors etc.)

 

[Betok_Haney]

Thank you all for your great comments and insights. In just a few posts, I learned so much! Here are some of my takeaways:

** Consider a change in POV to bring the reader closer to the story. I am going to play with different POVs to see how that works, and gauge the feel of it for what I am trying to convey in this opening scene.

** As the opening, this sets the tone for the story. So, is this the tone I want to set? After your comments, my thought is that this may be a better flashback scene, than the opening scene to my main character (the child).

** Why oh why did I lead the scene with a big block of text? @AnRoinnUltra and @msstice good thoughts on suggested placement of the hook.

** Reader perspective is varied, and not always my perspective. I had in mind a solid purpose for what was done to the child, but I was not prepared for how jarring it was to some readers. This gave me pause, as I am not necessarily trying to write a grimdark piece, so I had to think about why I really wanted the ritual to happen this way. Is all of that maiming business necessary? I will continue to think about this as the story unfolds.

** @AllanR your points about terminology stunned me. You are exactly right! I agonize over word choice, but the words I chose for the scene - and the world I am working in - don't work. I actually slapped my forehead when I read your point on the word Baptism. Wow, how did I miss that? @Wayne Mack, your thoughts on the word emerged is right, and even after writing that sentence over and over again to get the right feel, that word doesn't work here.

** @msstice I winced when I read your statement about clinical descriptions. I am an engineer and technical writer, and I know this is a big challenge for me in creative writing. Creative writing is an entirely new world for me, and I have a lot to learn.

Again, thank you all for your critique!

 

[Bowler1]

** Does the writing flow well? Is it easy to read?
Mostly yes, it was well presented.
The very first line lacks any hook and I am discussing the dreaded first line, the line that needs to carry enough weight and gravity to swallow Blackholes whole - or lacking that, a little more punch.
As per Judge, opening with a a large section of description was not where I would have gone, but that's easy to spread out in the re-write, which I assume you are already in the process of from above.

** Does the opening offer a hook to want you to read more?
Yes and no, if I'm honest.
Yes in that it was original, and I'm not bothered about the religious context as it seems to be key to the storyline.
Little babies suffering is a brave opening, but I could live with that too.
No in that is was very distant and lacking real emotion and I also think that if you have stuck with the Mother and what she would see and feel then it would have been much better. Clearly she was conflicted, but we don't know why or even why she didn't change her mind after stepping forward near the end. There were great emotions that could have been used and were skipped past, which I wouldn't have done.
The final hook, why I would read on was not presented clearly. I am assuming the baby will grow into our central character, but this is not clear - which would make this section a prologue. I was a little unclear if the baby might be topped off next, or what. If there is a final hook, I wasn't all that clear what it was. I appreciate you tried to make it a what if ending, but it was too much what if and left me confused.
Having re-read Judge above, the final line lack clues of more to come - so simple really, if your Judge, while the rest of us mortals struggle for the right words.

** Is there too much, or too little descriptive text? Am I telling more than showing, or is there a good balance?
Thee is never too much of anything if it works. The overall balance was not too bad, but I would have tried for a closer POV and the mother really should be it for me. So the opening as an idea worked for me and what you put up was enough that it has me thinking, so good job. The living and breathing in your world is what will keep readers with you, and sticking close to what a character sees and feels in a highly emotional scene will never sell you short. So I think you have the makings of a very good opening, and this version was ok, but you failed to harness the powerful emotions of the mother for me.

Stay close to a character and try and imagine how they would feel and then present that back to the reader. This means putting how you feel on a page, which Netflix can't do, and this for me is why we read. So the idea is fine by me, and if you used a stricter POV you could level up no problem. Keep at it, the idea has me thinking and what more do you want in the end?

 

[tinkerdan]

This is interesting--I'm not sure the POV is all of the problem.

When I think about walking into a church I can almost close my eyes because the first thing is the smells: odors.

My eyes always channel toward the front or at least the significant area such as altar or in this case the caldron.

Then my eyes open I might look away from what first drew my attention and down to the floor.

Perhaps after which I might begin to look side to side and begin to notice any of the buildings prominent trappings.

A young woman emerged into the chamber, clutching her newborn son. As she entered, she gazed in wonder at this holy space, hidden from most. Sunlight poured through the windowed dome high above, draping across the marbled stone chamber in golden curtains, illuminating colorful iconography depicting great defenders of the faith. At the center of the chamber, a bronze brazier released lazy drifts of smoke, creating a light haze and releasing the sweet aromas of pine and sage. The priest, dressed in his opulent robes, stood in the middle of the chamber on a raised dais with his acolyte hovering close behind him.

I think in this instance the child is important enough that you might rework the first line.

A young mother clutching her newborn son, emerged.

Then from there the smells.

The sweet aromas, pine and sage, that permeating the chamber, were overwhelming.

Then the distance to her goal.

Her eyes latched upon the priest in his opulent robes, standing in the center of the raised dias; his acolyte hovering like a bug over a flower.
Behind them the smoke from the bronze brazier, the source of the odors, created a haze. Her gaze went downward in conscious respectful uncertainty where she caught the sunlight, entering from somewhere high and cast across the stone floor, mixed with golds and many colors. A strange mosaic that stirred her curiosity enough to lift her gaze to find the sources.

Then you could begin to describe what is around her.

Of course you would want to use your own words here; but for me it might help to bring some order and progression to the sights and smells and the reason for giving a fuller description of the chamber.

 

[WSDuffy]

Thank you for sharing this. I think there is a lot to like here, although I admit to being squeamish about the child violence. My attempts to answer questions are below:

** Does the writing flow well? Is it easy to read?

I think that the writing flows very well overall. I didn't get stuck on any of the lines, and after I read it I still had good recall of the material. While this is obviously a short portion of the text, the energy and pacing of the sentence to sentence words felt strong. I felt driven forward by the prose.
** Does the opening offer a hook to want you to read more?
I go back and forth on this. I do think that the text after the first paragraph is much stronger than the first paragraph, and that by the end there I have enough information about the world and the religious authority at its center that I know the type of story I'm in for, which is really important information for choosing whether or not I want to read. I also get a strong grip on the tone. However, this felt more like a prologue than a first chapter to me, if that makes any sense. I feel like I'm about to hit a twenty year time jump, and that I may never see anyone but the baby in the rest of the book. The lack of names for any characters and generality of the titles (mother, acolyte, priest) adds to that for me, as does the seeming promise that the mother, whose perspective is the one we spend the most time in, has left the book for good. I personally would like to have a character to really latch onto from the beginning, but I'm not sure that is true for the target audience of the book.
** Is there too much, or too little descriptive text? Am I telling more than showing, or is there a good balance?
After the first paragraph, I felt that there was plenty of showing. None of the descriptions from paragraph two on took me out of the action, and I felt like I had a clear sense of place and action throughout. I actually thought the occasionally distanced prose was really helpful, as it helped me understand the mindset of the authority figures in the passage, who don't feel emotionally wrought by what they are doing.

That's all I got. Hope it helps.

 

[jjcomet]

Well done on submitting your effort. You have taken a step that I am working on - getting something Critiqued. Sorry if I cannot answer every question but your story did work for me. It reminded me of what a Spartan mother may have felt when she delivered her child to the Village Elders for their inspection and indoctrination to join the rank and file of warriors.

However, what stood out for me - and what I have a great confusion about regarding my own writing - is the placement of commas. Please understand I did not like Grammar when in school, so I may have missed the correct usage of them. But here is my hesitation...

In your first paragraph it felt like a lot of stop and go action.
'... As she entered, she gazed in wonder at this holy space, hidden from most.' I may have left out the first comma after entered for she is doing all this at once.
'...At the center of the chamber, a bronze brazier released lazy drifts of smoke, creating a light haze and releasing the sweet aromas of pine and sage.' Again the comma after chamber could be left out. Since the bronze brazier is the center item (and perhaps place the fire source on the dais at this point).
'...The priest, dressed in his opulent robes, stood in the middle of the chamber on a raised dais with his acolyte hovering close behind him.' For that sentence, I may have put '.. Dressed in opulent robes a high priest stood beside the brazier, with his acolyte ...'

I realize to each their own, and how one writes is greatly different from someone else. I did like the concept of what was being told and I would continue to read the story.
It is hard to place a few words down for critique when there is a whole story that follows to answer many questions.
That is where my quandary will come in when I post a submission for review.
Good work Betok_Haney.

 

[Betok_Haney]

Well done on submitting your effort. You have taken a step that I am working on - getting something Critiqued. Sorry if I cannot answer every question but your story did work for me. It reminded me of what a Spartan mother may have felt when she delivered her child to the Village Elders for their inspection and indoctrination to join the rank and file of warriors.

However, what stood out for me - and what I have a great confusion about regarding my own writing - is the placement of commas. Please understand I did not like Grammar when in school, so I may have missed the correct usage of them. But here is my hesitation...

In your first paragraph it felt like a lot of stop and go action.
'... As she entered, she gazed in wonder at this holy space, hidden from most.' I may have left out the first comma after entered for she is doing all this at once.
'...At the center of the chamber, a bronze brazier released lazy drifts of smoke, creating a light haze and releasing the sweet aromas of pine and sage.' Again the comma after chamber could be left out. Since the bronze brazier is the center item (and perhaps place the fire source on the dais at this point).
'...The priest, dressed in his opulent robes, stood in the middle of the chamber on a raised dais with his acolyte hovering close behind him.' For that sentence, I may have put '.. Dressed in opulent robes a high priest stood beside the brazier, with his acolyte ...'

I realize to each their own, and how one writes is greatly different from someone else. I did like the concept of what was being told and I would continue to read the story.
It is hard to place a few words down for critique when there is a whole story that follows to answer many questions.
That is where my quandary will come in when I post a submission for review.
Good work Betok_Haney.

I do have a problem with commas. And don't get me started on my issues with using too many semicolons. I just love them too much. Anyways thank you very much for your insight!

 

[Wayne Mack]

Regarding commas and other punctuation, one reference that I find useful is, The Punctuation Guide