Far Horizons: The Hunting - Chapter 1, follow up (735 words)

Flaviosky

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Hello, dear community.

I wanted to share this follow-up from the first chapter of my WIP. I've incorporated a small fragment from my last post before this one to see if there's an improvement.

I also added a change in POV using ### as I someone suggested. I hope it gets clear enough,

Context: Medieval fantasy, the kingdom is facing a famine. The General (Daniel) has forced his way into the palace with his army and has just murdered the King and killed the small troop of guards with ease. The Commander of the Royal Guard (Sophie), the princess (Diane) and her personal guard (Natalie) are trying to escape the palace to protect the princess.

PD: I just noticed that it's the same word-count as last post, lol.

Thanks a lot for your patience and feedback.

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Sophie unsheathes her sword, her gaze turns sharp, fixed on her opponent before her. Her brown wolf tail fluffs up, ready for battle, her steel armour looks polished and shiny compared to the scratched steel plate over his darked clothes.

She looks at her side, Natalie is paralyzed, yet still holding Diane firmly, who seems weirdly impatient considering who’s in front of them.

Dammit, it’s him, it’s really him, blocking the exit….

A long worn out burgundy scarf with the Scarlet’s Order insignia falls from his neck. He points his spear to Natalie.

“The royal chaperone! I guess I’ll have more fun than expected. Just surrender the ginger and I may spare your life…”

Natalie’s chin trembles “Dia...Diane, let’s go!” she pulls the princess out of there, but Diane is not going anywhere.

“There’s the three of us, it’s more than enough! We have to fight!” Diane says, unsheathing her sword.

“No it’s not! Just let’s go!" Natalie shouts, grabbing Diane firmly and starting running again deeper into the palace.

“Let go of me!”

Arck walks fast to catch them “Hehe, I guess I’ll just have to cripple you all!”

Sophie gets in his way, sword in hand. “Stop right there, Arck! This is treason against the crown!”

Arck’s smirk doesn’t go away “Such a pity. I really don’t want to kill the best miasmon of the Royal Guard. Just throw your sword…".

Sophie frowns, tense “Shut your brute mouth up and cease hostilities!" her wolf ears get stiff..

“What a worthless way to die, Commander, but I just can’t refuse your invitation to kill you..." Arck says.

He charges towards Sophie with his spear in hand.

###

Natalie still holds Diane’s wrist tight as she runs. “There’s only one place left to go”.

Past the maids’ chambers. There they are! And into the storage room, behind those fake cabinets and old drapes left there on purpose. Great!

“What are you talking about?! Let go of me!”

“Just one turn left!”

Diane recognizes a man waiting for them “...There’s Arthur! What’s my brother doing there?”.

His tense dark eyes look serious as always as he stands outside the next door. He crosses his arms. His dark grey clothes seem to blend with the shadowed atmosphere of the place. He seems tense, but without any drop of sweat on his face, different from Diane and Natalie.

Phew, at least I won’t need to search for the heirs...

“Your highness! You must have heard the news, let’s get out of the palace already! I must get the two of you to safety!"

What is he doing there anyway?

His gaze is calm and cold.

“Dear Natalie, there’s nothing to worry about…” he responds “...NOW!".

A group of soldiers come out from smaller rooms of the palace, blocking what’s supposed to be the most secret exit to safety.

Natalie looks all around, without finding anywhere else to go “Wha...What is this?! Your….Your highness! What are you doing?!"

This can’t be happening...

A soldier throws a crossbow to Arthur, who catches it with difficulty and aims at his sister. Natalie is petrified.

No way...

Diane’s face turns red in anger “You treacherous scum! You always were trash but this is a new low! Stop this already!".

Arthur aims at her sister “I’m the true heir of the throne, not you! Years of overshadowing me finally come to an end! Now I’ll put things in their correct order!" he says, before giving a sweet yet twisted gaze at Natalie "...but you, my dear…free yourself from the yoke of my crazy sister, be by my side in this new era…" he says

His weak arms tremble, struggling to keep the crossbow up.

This *******...

“You are nothing!" Natalie shouts, before spitting at him.

“Then die, you slut!”

Arthur shoots.

“Arrrrrgh!” Diane’s arm bleeds, as she falls. Natalie catches her.

“Diane…!”

“All right, my soldiers! They’re all yours!”

Arthur drops the crossbow and raises his arms, with a triumphant smirk on his face.

Diane’s arm bleeds “Na-Natalie! Take this thing out! It hurts!”

Natalie’s breathing is rampant and clumsy as she looks everywhere around, confused and desperate while her glassy eyes see the soldiers closing in. Her lips tremble, holding a stiff Diane who looks in panic as well.

Wha...Diane, no...I have to attack but...Her arm. No...I have no chance. We...We’re done, this can’t be…!
 

AnRoinnUltra

Go on the humans!
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Thanks for that @Flaviosky , this won't be a huge amount of use but I found it easy to read -it's been a while since I read the previous excerpt so I'll go back later. I'm finding placing the protagonists a bit tricky -the rooms must be massive the way they are swinging the swords about, might be good to remind the reader this (though I could've missed that bit). I also found the rampant and clumsy breathing description a bit out of place -don't get me wrong, I think it's a great way of describing being winded, it's just it didn't seem to fit.

Best of luck, seems like you've got a serious bit of work going on.
 

Flaviosky

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the rooms must be massive the way they are swinging the swords about, might be good to remind the reader this
Thanks. I'll add some words to remind the reader they're fighting in the hallways of the royal palace.

I also found the rampant and clumsy breathing description a bit out of place
Maybe it's not the appropiate context to mention it. Thanks!
 

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