My favorite scene ive wrote yet

BcRedneck

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74
This is close to the beginning in my second book currently called Dust.
Simon has been working for this man for a while, he made a deal to buy something,
the doctor would not take the full payment in money. This is Simons last delivery.
This is not edited, so go easy on that. Any helpful advice on grammar or punctuation
is badly needed. I am a 9th grade drop out who spent his school years flat out refusing to do school work


The sun was low in the sky, when the huge building came into view. It was a like a warehouse, with a single 250 foot water tower off to the side known as the toilet bowl. Simon leaned his bike, against the wall beside the door and walked in. Inside was cramped the whole interior was a confusing network of pipes, valves, gears, and levers. Dr.Helger was once a great electrical engineer, and computer scientist. He wanted more than anything to be recognized as the greatest in his field, and inadvertently designed a computer and software, that made him and his peers obsolete. Now well hated by the people he so very badly wanted the affection of, he was building something he believed would carve his name into history. Simon walked thru the insane maze of pipes making it into the great screen room. There Dr.Helger stood between 2 men, each holding a lever three quarters their height. The doctor was a tall thin man with grey messy hair and round glasses, He always wore a lab coat. On the 40 foot screen beyond was a game of pong the men were playing neither had won a point. The great doctor turned and saw Simon. “Ah Simon. Isnt this truly something. Im up to four bits of progressing now. I call this bounce ball”. Simon shook his head. “Its called Pong. My people thought of it 50 years ago”. The great doctor sighed. The doctors great experiment was taking the water analogy’s in electronics textbooks to the next level. Resistors were smaller pipes, Diodes replaced with one way valves, Zeners became one way valves with pressure relief, Transistors where valves controlled by water pressure. The great screen itself was nothing more than glass tubes that would float a black ball to block the light for each pixel of the screen. What this all came to was a giant building less capable than a 12 cent micro controller back home.

Simon walked up closer the two men looked like they had been at this way too long. “Hey doc you know this game is supposed to speed up as they play, or it will go on forever”. The great doctor nodded. “Yes I see. Your right”. The doctor ran to the wall and pressed the intercom button. “Topper fill the bowl, We need more power”. He retured to Simon. “Let see her run now”. The sound of falling water filled the room as topper filled the toilet bowl. Simon smiled. “I see your calling it the toilet bowl now too. finally give up?”. The doctor shook his head. “I called it the bowl, no one will respond now if i dont. When I finally catch the ingrate Who’s been befouling my great machine i swear i will make him pay. The senseless desecration is to much for me to endure. I will find him yet Simon. My best men are working on it as we speak”.

It was almost to much to hide his laughter, Simon and the entire city knew who was shiting in the toilet bowl. It was the very security and investigation department, Helger ended up hiring to track down the perpetrator. Topper himself took the first dump. Now he was paid a high wage to prevent it from happening again. He now just sat listening to a radio all day. Once he had the job he waited till he was off shift and snuck in for another. Helger lost his mind, But since it didnt happen under Toppers watch Helger went to him for suggestions on who best to investigate. Now Topper and all his closest friends had high paying jobs. It really amazed Simon just how far they were taking this. The investigations department really put some serious work into it, they had box upon box of files a staff of six worked tirelessly doing ‘investigations’. They had even gone as far as tracking down ex employees half way around the world. All of it amounted to nothing. But the great doctor would not stand for this insult. He threw more money into it and pushed them ever onward.

Helger turned to Simon. “You get the items?” Simon nodded and removed his bag. The doctor held out his hand. “Stop not here. Follow me”. Simon followed him to a small elevator. Helger pulled the lever and they slowly descended into the basement, the chains and gears rattled and squealed. They where now in the tube room. Solid state semiconductors were illegal here, but vacuum tubes were allowed. However Helger was aware the leadership would never approve, of how far he was now going with them. He turned to Simon. Lets see my masterpiece. Simon pulled a large bundle of of his bag and unwrapped it. It was a tube twice the size of his head with 250 gold pins sticking out of the bottom. The doctors eyes widened. “Ah it is truly a sight to behold. I have mastered and taken digital as far as it can go. Analog is the future, no more of the on and off switching. The complexity of analog signals is the only way forward now. This will be one of my great works. The human brain itself is a analog computer 10 watts it draws, to exceed it with digital requires over 30 million. The doctor inserted the giant tube into a maze of wires, resistors and relays. He walked over to a switch the size of his arm and pulled it down. The relays began clicking and the lights dimmed. After a minute thousands of tubes began to light, and the CRT screen by the switch lit up. The doctor stared into it. “Its working my boy. Finally its working”. The doctor began to hit the keys his fingers dancing over them at a rate Simon did not believe possible. The massive tube was shooting lightning bolts this way and that, a ceaseless ballet of light. 15 Minutes this continued before the screen became nothing but static. Helger flipped the switch. “Im up to 15 before thermal runaway now. This is great progress”. Simon shook his head. This guy is right out there. “I got the other item. It was not easy to get the worlds of the center dont make them, to archaic. I had to go home for it”. Simon pulled a Casio scientific calculator from his bag and gave it to the doctor. Helger quickly snatched it from his hands, and kissed it. “Ah no more wasting my time with slide rules and simple mathematics. How did you get it thru the gates?” Simon sighed. “I put it in my underwear”. The doctors face changed. “Oh I see. Never mind that, you will want your payment i assume”. Helger tossed Simon a set of keys. “Ive had the guns removed and destroyed. I will not build, engineer or sell weaponry”. Simon sighed. “You know i need those if i dont want to get shot down right”. The great doctor nodded. “Yes, but you must get them elsewhere. I will not be responsible for death and destruction”. Simon exited the building. On his way he passed thru the screen room. A single point was displayed on the screen, And the victor was celebrating his triumph, by viciously berating his defeated opponent.
 

JS Wiig

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I think you have a knack for the storytelling, but definitely need work on grammar, punctuation and formatting.

Is there any way you could take a writing course at a local community college or the like?
 

BcRedneck

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Ya I think I need that too. I have the ideas but I don't have the writing skills. I just blindly continue my relentless assault on the English language
 

Bowler1

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How do and welcome to what must be one of your first reviews - now brace yourself.

Too much showing and telling, with dense sections of description where nothing really happens. Break out you dialogue with a new section when a character speaks, for clarity of who is speaking if anything. I had lots of comma issues and no doubt a better member than me will soon turn up and get stuck into this for you.

My main problem, not much happened in such a large section of writing. I smuggled this in and here it is, is all that happened in the end, so why would I read on? To be fair you have some funky stuff going on with nice ideas, but these need to be supporting a plot and story and not the main event. Being the character that lives in your world is key, which you confused with this other Doctor at times, in essence head hopping (these are writing terms that you will get used to). If you present your main character as living comfortably in their world then the reader will follow on with you, so sometimes less description can be more and allow the reader to fill in the blanks and use their own imagination - one of the main reasons why anyone reads a good book.

In the nicest possible way, this was a good attempt for a beginner and far better than any of my early posts and efforts. Use the internet for grammar, other members and study books that are recommend as good reads for how the successfully published ply their trade. Keep chipping away and use the support and help you'll get on here - if your serious about learning to write you've found the right place. There is everything you need on this forum if you are willing to put the time in, see threads on grammar etc. and keep chipping away.

You have a lot of work ahead of you, but it's all too clear to me already that you have good ideas all your own, so keep on going.
 

Bowler1

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Ya I think I need that too. I have the ideas but I don't have the writing skills. I just blindly continue my relentless assault on the English language
Good, keep on with the assault, grit and determination are all you need.
 

BcRedneck

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Messages
74
This is not the main story. It was simply a short visit. The main character was just completing a task. My actual story begins with the end of this scene. But I need to learn alot about writing. Coma placement grammar and lots more. What I do have going is the knowledge of the subject matter in the rest of this story. Those keys Simon got are for a plane he thinks he knows how to fly. I spent years learning about aircraft I built dozens of rc planes. I have stacks of books on them. All that knowledge that I had no purpose for. So I throw Simon into one
 

BcRedneck

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Ok I took a good look at some other stuff as well and I'm seeing problems. So when I'm explaining stuff should I keep that in it's own paragraph. This is going to become much less common as I go.
Next I'm thinking I'm having to much going on with little dialogue. I think I'm getting over board with the pace. I've personally read books like that and they have little emotional impact because of that.
As far as punctuation I'm nearly hopeless. I believe my sentence structure is really bad as well.
Most of this is my own fault. I've read alot of books in my life but I have never looked at them to learn how the sentence structure formatting character development narrator descriptions or anything like that works. I simply read
 

Jo Zebedee

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blah - flags. So many flags.
Ok I took a good look at some other stuff as well and I'm seeing problems. So when I'm explaining stuff should I keep that in it's own paragraph. This is going to become much less common as I go.
Next I'm thinking I'm having to much going on with little dialogue. I think I'm getting over board with the pace. I've personally read books like that and they have little emotional impact because of that.
As far as punctuation I'm nearly hopeless. I believe my sentence structure is really bad as well.
Most of this is my own fault. I've read alot of books in my life but I have never looked at them to learn how the sentence structure formatting character development narrator descriptions or anything like that works. I simply read
It’s all okay. Calm down a little, slow things down and you’ll be fine.
 

Margaret Note Spelling

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Hi, great work so far! I agree with JS Wiig, you have a pretty good grasp of storytelling--you have a good facility with the phrases, and most importantly a logical flow of thoughts, that can help to tell your story. Most of the time your writing is quite clean and shows what's going on in a very effective way. That being said, some parts of it were confusing for me, such as the two men with the levers "three-quarters their height." There was very little picture there for me, since levers can be vertical or horizontal, and it's unclear whether they're stuck in the ground or in some kind of machine, and what the men are actually doing with them besides simply gripping them. A simple descriptive sentence would probably clear that up without spending too much time on it, I think. The other major point would be that, since you keep switching between referring to Dr. Helger as "the great doctor" and "Helger," at one point on my first read-through I was actually thinking they were two different men. You might consider simply picking one and sticking with it.

I also note several other points where the cadence--the flow of sentences, long vs short, plus the tenses you used--were a little bit clumsy, but facility with that will come with practice. I only learned effective cadence by taking one paragraph of my work at a time and spending hours upon hours reworking its individual words and sentence structures until I could read it as smoothly as a published piece of writing. Until I could skim it casually and still get the gist and impression of what was happening. That meant all the important words were in the best places in the sentences, where they received the most emphasis, and nothing halted the sentence or got in the way of someone reading it smoothly. Cadence is important--and yet also very much a matter of judgement. No one can teach it to you, really; you have to teach yourself.

There are multiple grammar errors, but grammar is one of the absolute easiest things to fix about writing, so I'm going to tell you right here, don't be too worried that having them makes your writing terrible. I'd be far more concerned about your overall choices of words and narrative flow, regardless of grammar, and what you have here is pretty decent. I'm quite enjoying this glimpse of your world you've shown me, and I'm actually most interested in hearing what comes of the "toilet bowl" issue--it sounds like the sort of practical joke that could easily end up affecting the plot in a serious way later on!

Anyway, from what I can see, all you need is practice, and even more extensive reading, and your skill could easily improve to the point where it's clear, concise, and easy to read. Could I ask what your favorite books are? Because usually that will affect your own skill at writing very strongly.

And here's a bunch of grammar suggestions about what you posted.
The sun was low in the sky, *comma here is unnecessary) when the huge building came into view. It was a like a warehouse, with a single 250 foot water tower off to the side known as the toilet bowl. Simon leaned his bike, (comma here is unnecessary) against the wall beside the door and walked in. Inside was cramped (need a period/full stop or a long dash) the whole interior was a confusing network of pipes, valves, gears, and levers. Dr.Helger was once (had once been) a great electrical engineer, and computer scientist. He wanted more than anything to be recognized as the greatest in his field, and inadvertently designed a computer and software, (comma here is unnecessary) that made him and his peers obsolete. (I'm confused about what that computer and software is, or why it would make them obsolete; you never mention it again) Now well hated by the people he so very badly wanted the affection of, (I'm confused here--which people are the ones he wants affection from?) he was building something he believed would carve his name into history. (recommend paragraph break here) Simon walked thru (usually you want to write this "through"--although I understand the "thru" spelling is gaining normalcy, you still won't see it in narrative in published books) the insane maze of pipes (need a comma here!) making it into the great screen room. There Dr.Helger stood between 2 men, each holding a lever three quarters their height. The doctor was a tall (recommend a comma here) thin man with grey messy hair ("messy grey hair" actually works better; what order to put modifier words in is one of the lesser known conventions of English) and round glasses, (Should be a period.) He always wore a lab coat. On the 40 foot screen beyond was a game of pong the men were playing (full stop needed) neither had won a point. The great doctor turned and saw Simon. “Ah Simon. Isn(apostrophe)t this truly something. (need an interrogation mark) I(apostrophe)m up to four bits of progressing (do you mean processing?) now. I call this bounce ball (maybe capitalize his name for the game?)”. (also, the full stop should be inside the quote mark) (There should be a paragraph break here. Any time dialogue switches speakers, use a new paragraph.) Simon shook his head. “Its called Pong. My people thought of it 50 years ago”. The great doctor sighed. The doctor(apostrophe here)s great experiment was taking the water analogy’s (analogies) in electronics textbooks to the next level. Resistors were smaller pipes, Diodes (add "were") replaced with one way valves, Zeners became one way valves with pressure relief, Transistors where (were) valves controlled by water pressure. The great screen itself was nothing more than glass tubes that would float a black ball to block the light for each pixel of the screen. What this all came to was a giant building less capable than a 12 cent micro controller back home.

Simon walked up closer (full stop here) the two men looked like they had been at this way too long. “Hey (comma) doc (comma) you know this game is supposed to speed up as they play, or it will go on forever”. (Should be an interrogation mark, inside the quotation mark.) (New paragraph here!) The great doctor nodded. “Yes I see. Your (you're) right”. The doctor (you could just use "he"--the dialogue will make it clear who you're referring to) ran to the wall and pressed the intercom button. “Topper (need comma here) fill the bowl, (either full stop, or no capital W) We need more power”. (full stop inside quote) He retur(n)ed to Simon. “Let('s) see her run now”. (full stop inside quote) The sound of falling water filled the room as topper filled the toilet bowl. (New paragraph here!) Simon smiled. “I see your (you're) calling it the toilet bowl now too. f(F)inally give up?”. (no full stop after interrogation mark) (New paragraph here!) The doctor shook his head. “I called it the bowl, no one will respond now if i don(')t. When I finally catch the ingrate W(change to lowercase w)ho’s been befouling my great machine i (capitalize) swear i (capitalize) will make him pay. The senseless desecration is to(need another "o") much for me to endure. I will find him yet(,) Simon. My best men are working on it as we speak”. (comma inside quote)

It was almost to (need another "o") much to hide his laughter, (full stop) Simon and the entire city knew who was shiting (need another "t") in the toilet bowl. It was the very security and investigation department, (remove comma, and I recommend inserting "which" or "that") Helger ended up hiring to track down the perpetrator. Topper himself took (had taken) the first dump. Now he was paid a high wage to prevent it from happening again. He now just sat listening to a radio all day. Once he had the job (comma) he waited till he was off shift and snuck in for another. Helger lost his mind, (sequence is not clear--at what point in events did this happen?) But since it didn(')t happen under Toppers watch(comma) Helger went to him for suggestions on who best to investigate. (saying "who best to investigate" sounds like Helger's asking Topper for a recommendation of who needs investigation, not who would be best to put on the case. I would try "Helger went to him for suggestions on the best people to investigate the matter.") Now Topper and all his closest friends had high paying jobs. It really amazed Simon just how far they were taking this. The investigations department really put some serious work into it, (full stop or dash or semicolon) they had box upon box of files (and) a staff of six worked tirelessly doing ‘investigations’. They had even gone as far as tracking down ex employees half way around the world. All of it amounted to nothing. But the great doctor would not stand for this insult. He threw more money into it and pushed them ever onward.


Helger turned to Simon. “You get the items?” Simon nodded and removed his bag. The doctor held out his hand. “Stop (need a comma, full stop, dash, or semicolon--anything, really) not here. Follow me”. (full stop inside quote) Simon followed him to a small elevator. Helger pulled the lever and they slowly descended into the basement, (full stop here) the chains and gears rattled and squealed. They where (were) now in the tube room. Solid state semiconductors were illegal here, but vacuum tubes were allowed. However (need comma here) Helger was aware the leadership would never approve, (remove comma) of how far he was now going with them. (Not strictly necessary, but I recommend a paragraph break here. Knowing when and where to change paragraphs is an instinct you'll develop quickly; usually it's based on small subject changes, or when you introduce a new thought or sudden action.) (One more point. Perspective is an important thing when it comes to writing in the third person, and it sounds like you've switched to Helger's perspective here. If it's still Simon's perspective, that should be made clear, probably by redesigning the sentence.) He turned to Simon. Lets see my masterpiece. (need quotes around this, and an apostrophe before the "s" in "lets") (I also recommend a paragraph break here. It's an important enough action that it deserves it.) Simon pulled a large bundle of (out, not of) of his bag and unwrapped it. It was a tube twice the size of his head with 250 gold pins sticking out of the bottom. The doctors (need apostrophe) eyes widened. “Ah (need comma) it is truly a sight to behold. I have mastered and taken digital as far as it can go. Analog is the future, no more of the on and off switching. The complexity of analog signals is the only way forward now. This will be one of my great works. The human brain itself is a analog computer (need a full stop, dash, or semicolon) 10 watts it draws, (need a full stop, dash or semicolon) to exceed it with digital requires over 30 million. (need closing quote) (recommend paragraph break) The doctor inserted the giant tube into a maze of wires, resistors and relays. He walked over to a switch the size of his arm and pulled it down. The relays began clicking and the lights dimmed. After a minute thousands of tubes began to light, and the CRT screen by the switch lit up. The doctor stared into it. “Its (apostrophe needed) working (comma needed) my boy. Finally its (need apostrophe) working”. (full stop inside quote) The doctor began to hit the keys his fingers dancing over them at a rate Simon did not believe possible. (This one's a bit fuzzy, but usually when someone sees something happening, they then have to believe it's possible. You might mean "a rate Simon would not have believed possible) The massive tube was shooting lightning bolts this way and that, a ceaseless ballet of light. 15 Minutes this continued (interesting construction here; most people would write "This continued 15 minutes") before the screen became nothing but static. Helger flipped the switch. “Im (apostrophe needed) up to 15 before thermal runaway now. This is great progress”. (full stop inside quote) (I recommend a paragraph break here) Simon shook his head. This guy is right out there. (If this Simon's direct thought, it needs to be italicized to make that clear) “I got the other item. It was not easy to get (need full stop, dash, or semicolon) the worlds of the center dont (need apostrophe) make them, (need full stop, dash, or semicolon) to (need another "o" archaic. I had to go home for it”. (full stop inside quote) (recommend paragraph break here) Simon pulled a Casio scientific calculator from his bag and gave it to the doctor. Helger quickly snatched it from his hands, and kissed it. “Ah (need comma) no more wasting my time with slide rules and simple mathematics. How did you get it thru (through) the gates?” (paragraph break) Simon sighed. “I put it in my underwear”. (paragraph break) The doctors (apostrophe needed) face changed. “Oh (comma) I see. (There's a huge emotion change in Helger's dialogue right here, from dismay to unconcern, which could be signaled better with a short action in between the sentences--"He sighed" would probably help.) Never mind that, you will want your (you're) payment i (capitalize) assume”. (full stop inside quote) Helger (at this point, it would be perfectly fine to use a simple "He" since the dialogue will make it clear who is doing the action) tossed Simon a set of keys. “Ive (apostrophe needed) had the guns removed and destroyed. I will not build, engineer or sell weaponry”. (full stop inside quote) (paragraph break) Simon sighed. “You know i (capitalize) need those if i (capitalize) dont (apostrophe needed) want to get shot down (comma here) right”. (need interrogation mark inside quote) (paragraph break) The great doctor nodded. “Yes, but you must get them elsewhere. I will not be responsible for death and destruction”. (full stop inside quote) (recommend paragraph break here) Simon exited the building. On his way he passed thru (through) the screen room. A single point was displayed on the screen, (either full stop, or lowercase a on the "and") And the victor was celebrating his triumph, (remove comma) by viciously berating his defeated opponent.

I'm also going to throw up the version with all my suggested changes in it, and you'll be able to see how much easier it is to read with the grammar fixed!

~*~*~

The sun was low in the sky when the huge building came into view. It was a like a warehouse, with a single 250 foot water tower off to the side known as the toilet bowl. Simon leaned his bike, against the wall beside the door and walked in. Inside was cramped; the whole interior was a confusing network of pipes, valves, gears, and levers. Dr. Helger was once a great electrical engineer and computer scientist. He wanted more than anything to be recognized as the greatest in his field, and inadvertently designed a computer and software that made him and his peers obsolete. Now, well hated by the people he so very badly wanted the affection of, he was building something he believed would carve his name into history.

Simon walked through the insane maze of pipes, making it into the great screen room. There, Dr. Helger stood between 2 men, each holding a lever three quarters their height. The doctor was a tall, thin man with messy grey hair and round glasses. He always wore a lab coat. On the 40 foot screen beyond was a game of pong the men were playing. Neither had won a point. The great doctor turned and saw Simon. “Ah, Simon. Isn't this truly something? I'm up to four bits of processing now. I call this Bounce Ball."

Simon shook his head. “Its called Pong. My people thought of it 50 years ago."

The great doctor sighed. The doctor's great experiment was taking the water analogies in electronics textbooks to the next level. Resistors were smaller pipes, Diodes were replaced with one way valves, Zeners became one way valves with pressure relief, Transistors were valves controlled by water pressure. The great screen itself was nothing more than glass tubes that would float a black ball to block the light for each pixel of the screen. What this all came to was a giant building less capable than a 12 cent micro controller back home.

Simon walked up closer. The two men looked like they had been at this way too long. “Hey, doc, you know this game is supposed to speed up as they play, or it will go on forever?"

The great doctor nodded. “Yes, I see. You're right." He ran to the wall and pressed the intercom button. “Topper, fill the bowl. We need more power." He returned to Simon. “Let's see her run now." The sound of falling water filled the room as Topper filled the toilet bowl.

Simon smiled. “I see you're calling it the toilet bowl now too. Finally give up?”

The doctor shook his head. “I called it the bowl, no one will respond now if I don't. When I finally catch the ingrate who’s been befouling my great machine I swear I will make him pay. The senseless desecration is to much for me to endure. I will find him yet, Simon. My best men are working on it as we speak."

It was almost too much to hide his laughter. Simon and the entire city knew who was ****ting in the toilet bowl. It was the very security and investigation department that Helger ended up hiring to track down the perpetrator. Topper himself took the first dump. Now he was paid a high wage to prevent it from happening again. He now just sat listening to a radio all day. Once he had the job he waited till he was off shift and snuck in for another. Helger lost his mind. But since it didn't happen under Topper's watch, Helger went to him for suggestions on the best people to investigate the matter. Now Topper and all his closest friends had high paying jobs. It really amazed Simon just how far they were taking this. The investigations department really put some serious work into it--they had box upon box of files, and a staff of six worked tirelessly doing ‘investigations’. They had even gone as far as tracking down ex employees half way around the world. All of it amounted to nothing. But the great doctor would not stand for this insult. He threw more money into it and pushed them ever onward.

Helger turned to Simon. “You get the items?”

Simon nodded and removed his bag. The doctor held out his hand. “Stop. Not here. Follow me."

Simon followed him to a small elevator. Helger pulled the lever and they slowly descended into the basement. The chains and gears rattled and squealed. They where now in the tube room. Solid state semiconductors were illegal here, but vacuum tubes were allowed. However, Helger was aware the leadership would never approve of how far he was now going with them. He turned to Simon. "Let's see my masterpiece."

Simon pulled a large bundle out of his bag and unwrapped it. It was a tube twice the size of his head, with 250 gold pins sticking out of the bottom. The doctor;s eyes widened. “Ah, it is truly a sight to behold. I have mastered and taken digital as far as it can go. Analog is the future, no more of the on and off switching. The complexity of analog signals is the only way forward now. This will be one of my great works. The human brain itself is a analog computer 10 watts it draws, to exceed it with digital requires over 30 million."

The doctor inserted the giant tube into a maze of wires, resistors and relays. He walked over to a switch the size of his arm and pulled it down. The relays began clicking and the lights dimmed. After a minute thousands of tubes began to light, and the CRT screen by the switch lit up. The doctor stared into it. “It's working, my boy. Finally it's working." The doctor began to hit the keys, his fingers dancing over them at a rate Simon did not believe possible. The massive tube was shooting lightning bolts this way and that, a ceaseless ballet of light. This continued 15 minutes before the screen became nothing but static. Helger flipped the switch. “I'm up to 15 before thermal runaway now. This is great progress."

Simon shook his head. This guy is right out there. “I got the other item. It was not easy to get; the worlds of the center don't make them. Too archaic. I had to go home for it." Simon pulled a Casio scientific calculator from his bag and gave it to the doctor.

Helger quickly snatched it from his hands, and kissed it. “Ah, no more wasting my time with slide rules and simple mathematics. How did you get it through the gates?”

Simon sighed. “I put it in my underwear."

The doctor's face changed. “Oh, I see." He sighed. "Never mind that. You will want your payment, I assume." He tossed Simon a set of keys. “I've had the guns removed and destroyed. I will not build, engineer or sell weaponry."

Simon sighed. “You know I need those if I don't want to get shot down, right?”

The great doctor nodded. “Yes, but you must get them elsewhere. I will not be responsible for death and destruction."

Simon exited the building. On his way he passed through the screen room. A single point was displayed on the screen, and the victor was celebrating his triumph by viciously berating his defeated opponent.

~*~*~

All I did was change up some punctuation and paragraphs, and it reads much, much clearer. It's still not all ideal, but it's definitely something I could sit through if I really enjoyed the story concept. And I do really enjoy it, especially the contrast between Simon's casual familiarity with high technology and Dr. Helger's passionate unfamiliarity, to the point of excitement over a simple calculator.

Hope this helps!
 
Last edited:

Margaret Note Spelling

There's always a bigger fish to fry.
Joined
Sep 10, 2019
Messages
311
Location
The Heart of Nowhere
Next I'm thinking I'm having to much going on with little dialogue. I think I'm getting over board with the pace. I've personally read books like that and they have little emotional impact because of that.

That can be true, although I do have to mention I've seen then kind of sparse-dialogue pacing done to great emotional effect before. It leaves much to the reader's imagination, so it's a technique I would only attempt if I were very confident of what I was doing--but I wouldn't resolve to avoid it entirely. Some characters tend to say very little, and simply watch and consider events around them, and I rather enjoy the way Simon really doesn't say aloud very much of what he's thinking. He has many strong opinions, privately, and yet he doesn't feel the need to break the great doctor's bubble of satisfaction by telling him any of them. That's characterization, and actually makes me care more about Simon because he has a more unusual kind of personality.

Most of this is my own fault. I've read alot of books in my life but I have never looked at them to learn how the sentence structure formatting character development narrator descriptions or anything like that works. I simply read

It's never too late to start paying attention to all of that! :) Still, don't underestimate the power of "just reading." It seems to me like you may have picked up many of the conventions of writing all unconsciously, judging from the way you've crafted your own work. That'll make it easier, now that you're paying attention to those sorts of things, to pick up the rules and techniques. I'd recommend reading a few really good books about writing--my sister and I, when we were first learning to write, raided our local library and found stacks and stacks of good books explaining much about the writing process, and just reading through those and testing out the techniques in our own writing taught us so much.

Summation: you do need a lot of improvement--as do we all!--but I also have full confidence that if you love the craft of writing and are determined to figure out how to do it, you can eventually learn to do it very well.
 

BcRedneck

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Thank you for all the work you put into your post. As far as Simon keeping his thoughts to himself while he thinks what's going on is crazy. His base personally is much like my own. I do make him his own person however. He has more of a ego and occasionally cuts people down in his thoughts, but shortly after this he gets quite the reality check. He makes dumb mistakes in front of alot of people
 

BcRedneck

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As for who i read the authors i read more than one book from are:
Isaac Asimov
Gorge R.R. Martin (Not just ice and fire, but all his SiFi and fever dream)
Stephen King (More while i was younger)
Stevin Ericson (Most likelly spelled wrong)
 

Margaret Note Spelling

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Oh, cool, Stephen King was actually one of the ones I was guessing you had read; something about the way you write reminded me of his style. He's a very good technical writer (meaning, he writes very cleanly and clearly pretty much all the time, without spare riffraff in his writing), and he actually wrote a good book on writing--On Writing is the title--which many people recommend very highly. I don't think I've actually read it myself, although I suppose I probably should sometime--I only heard about it after devouring some ten or fifteen other writing books, at which point much of the advice written in books started to overlap and sound the same, and reading another one wasn't a priority anymore. But there are plenty of people here on Chrons who have read it, and I promise they'll all say it's well worth a read.

Even if you can't find access to a copy of that particular book, I really strongly recommend finding your library's section on books about writing and borrowing any that look remotely helpful. There are many, many good ones out there, and anything we on Chrons could tell you, they will almost certainly say with much more flair and clarity.
 

Bowler1

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Most of this is my own fault. I've read a lot of books in my life but I have never looked at them to learn how the sentence structure formatting character development narrator descriptions or anything like that works. I simply read

This will change as you learn and reading a book does become more difficult when you spot lazy or poor writing. When you find good writing your enjoyment is all the more, so it's a mixed blessing in the end.

Good writing will have description, emotion, dialogue and everything else mixed in and used all the time, and generally not have large sections of each without good reason - because there are no writing rules, sometimes you will see large sections being used, what can I say.

Anyway as Jo said (Hi Jo - have a RAY GUN from my collection), chill, you'll get there.
 

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