Improving our 100 Word Stories

JS Wiig

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I have to be honest that I read it a complete of times and I didn't understand it. I've read it again now a couple of times and still don't. It's well written and I love the word 'transcombobulated'.

The idea is young neighborhood kids thinking the elderly neighbor is an old grouch, and the elderly neighbor thinking the young kids are punks, and each finding out their perspective on the matter is incorrect. I also attempted to use each as the POV to play a bit more on the theme.
 

paranoid marvin

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Ah, this makes more sense now, although I do agree with some of the other comments made in relation to motivation of the characters.

Personally I would have made it a bit clearer to the reader what was happening, and have given more of a motive for Tommy to be nice to him.



“That crank is just a crazy old man!”


Here I would have replaced 'crank' with 'professor', so we know that it's the same person as in the second part of your story.

It may also have been worth have been worth dispensing with Selene and her cat. Too many characters does make it a little more confusing. Perhaps maybe

Well, no. But he threatened to transcombobulate Rupert into a pigeon!”


which would tie in with the professor's thoughts in the second part of your story.


Personally I would have gone with more of a motivation for Tommy, and a reward (or otherwise) at the end of your story. So maybe for a motivation, you have Tommy saying that he wants to see inside the professor's house, or laboratory. This way, you could have one of two endings. Either a nice one, where the professor invites Tommy into his home, or a nasty/twisty one where the professor is crazy, and Tommy gets transcombobulated into a pigeon.


I also would have gone with a less explainy, more ambiguous title 'The Cookie Monster' perhaps?
 

THX1138

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Some input on improving this one please. I thought it was good, but it looks like I'm missing something about it.
Thanks again!

The Perspectives

“These plants are grown from artificial goop, injected into the ground by your robots!”

“But Dayna!” He pleaded with her.

“No Father, all of this is fake. It’s not real!” Gesturing to the vegetable garden around them.

“But Dayynnna, Dayna. I, I, I ddddd. Reboot.” He became motionless, slumping slightly forward.

“Father?” She asked concerningly.

“Hello Dayna!”, he stood upright, “Reloading from last conversation. But Dayna, I did all this for you.” Her father said moving caringly forward.

“What’s happing here?” She asked stepping back.

“My dear Dayna. Why can’t you see past this and just enjoy life?”
 

JS Wiig

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@THX1138 overall I liked the story, especially the ironic twist of the artificial garden and the artificial father.

I thought there were some grammar issues that detracted from the piece, my comments are in red below:

———
The Perspectives

“These plants are grown from artificial goop, injected into the ground by your robots!”

“But Dayna!” He pleaded with her. I think He should be lower case here.

“No Father, all of this is fake. It’s not real!” Gesturing to the vegetable garden around them. This seems to be a sentence fragment without a subject noun, maybe add a she said?

I thought the three exclamations were a bit excessive and had me picturing the characters with huge smiles on their faces and waving their arms about excitedly.


“But Dayynnna, Dayna. I, I, I ddddd. Reboot.” He became motionless, slumping slightly forward.

“Father?” She asked concerningly. I think She should be lower case. I don’t think concerningly is a word, perhaps just concerned?

“Hello Dayna!”, he stood upright, “Reloading from last conversation. But Dayna, I did all this for you.” Her father said moving caringly forward. I think there is an extra comma after Dayna!, he should be uppercase and there should be a period after upright. I think there should be a comma instead of a period after you and Her should be lower case.

“What’s happing here?” She asked stepping back. I think She should be lower case.

“My dear Dayna. Why can’t you see past this and just enjoy life?”
———

Thanks for sharing your story and I hope I’ve provided some useful feedback!
 

THX1138

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@THX1138 overall I liked the story, especially the ironic twist of the artificial garden and the artificial father.

I thought there were some grammar issues that detracted from the piece, my comments are in red below:

———
The Perspectives

“These plants are grown from artificial goop, injected into the ground by your robots!”

“But Dayna!” He pleaded with her. I think He should be lower case here.

“No Father, all of this is fake. It’s not real!” Gesturing to the vegetable garden around them. This seems to be a sentence fragment without a subject noun, maybe add a she said?

I thought the three exclamations were a bit excessive and had me picturing the characters with huge smiles on their faces and waving their arms about excitedly.


“But Dayynnna, Dayna. I, I, I ddddd. Reboot.” He became motionless, slumping slightly forward.

“Father?” She asked concerningly. I think She should be lower case. I don’t think concerningly is a word, perhaps just concerned?

“Hello Dayna!”, he stood upright, “Reloading from last conversation. But Dayna, I did all this for you.” Her father said moving caringly forward. I think there is an extra comma after Dayna!, he should be uppercase and there should be a period after upright. I think there should be a comma instead of a period after you and Her should be lower case.

“What’s happing here?” She asked stepping back. I think She should be lower case.

“My dear Dayna. Why can’t you see past this and just enjoy life?”
———

Thanks for sharing your story and I hope I’ve provided some useful feedback!
Thanks for pointing those errors out.
I just started a free online Proofreading class today, and one of the first rules it brings up is:

“It might be a great story but if the grammar and spelling are off, the reader will take you as being unprofessional and not serious about your writing.”

And you reiterated the same!:)
 

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