Far Horizons, Volume 1 - Synopsis (320 words)

Flaviosky

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Hi everyone,

I wanted to share this piece with you. It's rather weirdly written because it was challenging to wrap it up so much, but if it is too weirdly written, please feel free to point it out. I'm trying to split my WIP into volumes, and I got with this first shot, hoping for it to be comprehensive enough. I'll be highly appreciated if you could point out any plot hole, missing / unnecesary information, or if the story itself looks minimally interesting.

Thanks a lot!

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Diane is the youngest princess of Clysse, forced into exile after General Daniel Heart-Eguisse murdered the king with his magic and besieged the capital city of Varlé with the help of Arthur, Diane’s older brother, not agreeing with the crown’s measures against a famine affecting the kingdom. Accompanied by Natalie, her personal guard and childhood friend, she travels through the republic of Algalord gathering allies in secrecy, hoping to sail back to Clysse and free her land, recruiting Valerie, a lively cat-girl (part of the humanoid Miasmon race) and Raffale, a man victim of amnesia, carrying an old sword with mysterious magical power. Without knowing it, they’re being chased by Arck Meier, the ruthless clyssian colonel betrayed by Daniel, eager to recover Raffale’s sword and willing to put an end to the royal lineage.

After having Diane and Valerie starting to fall in love with Raffale, they’re intercepted by Arck who brutally defeats them, but Raffale awakens his sword’s power, healing Diane and her friends, just to have Arck use forbidden magic to turn himself into an arcane specter and take over Raffale’s body, making him disappear.

After the battle, Diane reluctantly takes a detour to algalordian inland, meeting Isavine, a sweet but weird miasmon fox-girl priestess, as well as Gareth, a righteous clyssian soldier loyal to the crown, and finally succeeding to get Raffale back, knowing how powerful he can become thanks to his sword, discovering his past that got him and Isalvine very close together, but later being taken away and tortured by Arck to find the mighty sword he now holds.

Unfortunately, by their return they find out that clyssian ports are now heavily guarded and a secret return, as it was originally planned, is currently impossible. The only option is to go to Weignard, a secluded northern continent connecting with Clysse at the north, with Arck still on the loose, now turned into an ethereal arcane specter.
 

AllanR

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The story idea is fine. Be a bit more careful with grammar and get your verb active instead of passive.

Diane is the youngest princess of Clysse, was forced into exile after General Daniel Heart-Eguisse murdered the king with his magic and besieged the capital city of Varlé. Wwith the help of Arthur, Diane’s older brother, not agreeing with the crown’s measures (make this sound stronger) against a famine affecting the kingdom(unsure who is not agreeing or even if I broke at a sensible space). Accompanied by Natalie, her personal guard and childhood friend, she Diane travels through the Rrepublic of Algalord they gathering allies in secrecy, They hopeing to sail back to Clysse and free her land, Rrecruiting Valerie, a lively cat-girl (part of the humanoid (by saying cat girl you imply humanoid) Miasmon race) and Raffale, a man victim of amnesia, who carries carrying an old sword with of mysterious magical power. Without knowing it, Unaware, they’re being chased by Arck Meier, the ruthless Cclyssian colonel betrayed by Daniel (say something about the betrayal), eager to recover Raffale’s sword and willing to put an end to the royal lineage. (I think this should go before the mention of the betrayal to show the motivation of getting the sword and separate the betrayal to another thought.)

After having Diane and Valerie starting to fall in love with Raffale, Tthey’re intercepted by Arck who brutally defeats attacks them, losing but Raffale awakens his sword’s power,and healsing Diane and her friends, just to have Arck use forbidden magic to turn himself into an arcane specter (a specter is arcane) and take over Raffale’s body, making him disappear.

After the battle, Diane reluctantly takes a detour to Aalgalordian inland, meeting Isavine, a sweet but weird Mmiasmon fox-girl (we already know Mias are cats) priestess, as well as Gareth, a righteous Cclyssian soldier loyal to the crown, princess (need something to show his opposition to the pretender as there are multiple claimants to the crown) and finally They succeeding to get (stronger word than get) Raffale back, knowing how powerful he can become thanks to his sword, discovering his past that got him and Isalvine very close together, but later being taken away and tortured by Arck to find the mighty sword he now holds. (hard to figure whats going on here)

Unfortunately, by their When they return they find out that Cclyssian ports are now heavily guarded and a secret return (awkward wording), as it was originally planned, is currently impossible. The only option is to they go to Weignard, a secluded northern continent connectinged with Clysse at the north, with Arck was still on the loose, now turned into an ethereal arcane specter.
 

Flaviosky

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The story idea is fine. Be a bit more careful with grammar and get your verb active instead of passive.
Any reason to have the characters in bold? Just curiosity.

The new structure strikes me a bit. I read that a synopsis "should look like a story itself", and its new structure appears like a chain of events.

Finally, just one clarification. This Miasmon race aren't just cats, but foxes, lions and wolves. Miasmon is the general term to differenciate them from humans without specifying their sub-type

Thanks a lot.
 

sule

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I agree with everything that AllanR said above: the story sounds intriguing, but there is too much use of the passive voice in your synopsis. Get more active, and use words that are more evocative than common words like "get." This is my very rough attempt to try writing your first paragraph in a more active manner.

Diane, the youngest daughter of the King of Clysse, is forced into exile when her father is murdered by the magic of Daniel Heart-Eguisse, the kingdom's ruthless general. With Clysse still suffering from devastating famine, Daniel and Arthur, Diane's older brother, lay siege to the kingdom's capital of Varlé to secure their hold of the crown. Accompanied by Natalie, her personal guard and childhood friend, Diane flees her homeland and travels in secret through the Republic of Algalord. There she gathers allies to eventually free her kingdom from Daniel's tyranny: Valerie, a cat-like young girl and member of the Miasmon race, and Raffale, a warrior who cannot remember his past and carries a magical sword forged in ancient days. Diane does not realize that they are being followed by Arck Meier, the former Clyssian colonel who wants Raffale's sword to help him in his quest to get revenge against Daniel and put an end to Clysse's royal family.

This isn't a particularly good example, but hopefully it gives you some ideas for ways to improve your synopsis.
 

AllanR

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I bolded the first use of a character name to help highlight who is involved. It makes it easy to sort through the cast of characters in a situation where there is little information. I've seen some publishers and agents ask for that in submitted synopsis.

The use of cat-girl makes the character sound young, like a girl instead of a woman. Since the only sub types of the Mias that you mention are the cats, either name them seperate or distinguish this in the synop.
This Miasmon race aren't just cats, but foxes, lions and wolves
Lions are cats. Just nitpicking there, yet accuracy counts!
 

Wayne Mack

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I like the feel of this being an epic fantasy. My concern is that I felt lost in details and did not get feel of a connected flow. I suggest reducing the number of characters thrown at the reader and also skipping some of the intermediate events in favor of providing a big picture of the conflict between Diane and Arck. Especially in a synopsis, allow yourself to let go of some of the details -- the reader will get those upon reading the actual story.
 

tinkerdan

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When writing a synopsis you will be showcasing your writing ability to the person reading it.
With that in mind I think that you might need to give this piece a bit more feeling. Including how the main character might feel and react to developments as they progress.

Yes. It might take a few more words.

Check out this blog.

Write your synopsis once more--with feeling.
 

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