Part 3 of The Duel of Five Thieves

[Lafayette]

I thought I add this part to reveal a little more of Percy and Lawrence's character. It is also the last paragraphs of the chapter. If you want or need more of the chapter let me know and I will post it.

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“Good,” replied Lawrence. “That will make Simon’s job of patching you up easier.” Then he added, “As for hurting, that’s punishment for being a coward. If it wasn’t for my father’s commandments, I’d leave you to the wolves and vultures. Come on, I’ll help you get on your horse. This time I’ll tie your feet to the stirrups.”

“Before we ride,’’ said Percy. “May, I asked a question?”

Lawrence’s mouth dropped opened. “After all, we’ve been through, and you have a question! You’ve got to be kidding. Alright, alright, I’m curious. I need a good laugh. Make it quick. What is it?”

“Today, I am horrified,” said Percy. “You killed three men and seemed to enjoy it. I want and need to know. Do you feel any remorse?”

“Hell no!” snapped Lawrence. “They were scum and deserved to die. I will tell something, Mister Percy Pane, I’m a bad boy and I know it, but I’m not scum. There is a difference. Remember that.”

 

[Wayne Mack]

I like seeing the contrast between Percy and Lawrence. I think that I would like to hear more of Lawrence's perspective than a single line. Consider having a little longer back and forth with Percy and bring out a little more depth in Lawrence's feelings.

 

[Lafayette]

I like seeing the contrast between Percy and Lawrence. I think that I would like to hear more of Lawrence's perspective than a single line. Consider having a little longer back and forth with Percy and bring out a little more depth in Lawrence's feelings.

I think Lawrence has surprised me just now. I've been picturing him as a shallow character. Why, I came up with this reply, "but I'm not scum" I don't know, but it sounds good so I am going with it.

I'm not sure if this is the proper juncture in the story for a give and take between Percy and Lawrence on mercy versus murder. What are your thoughts? Since you brought it up, I will have Lawrence/Percy debates..

Thank you for the suggestion.

 

[Tawariell]

I agree with @Wayne Mack, the contrast between these two characters is indeed interesting. May I be so bold to give you a little suggestion on your punctuation?

“After all, we’ve been through, and you have a question! You’ve got to be kidding. Alright, alright, I’m curious. I need a good laugh. Make it quick. What is it?”

You might want to drop the 'comma', between "after all" and "we've been through" and add a question mark at the end of that sentence, or split the sentence into two. Example:

"After all we've been through? And you have a question? You’ve got to be kidding. Alright, alright, I’m curious. I need a good laugh. Make it quick. What is it?”

or

"After all we've been through, and you have a question? You’ve got to be kidding. Alright, alright, I’m curious. I need a good laugh. Make it quick. What is it?”

For me, it reads more naturally, and I'd prefer the first example over the second. But that's just my personal preference, because that's how the character sounds in my head

 

[Lafayette]

I agree with @Wayne Mack, the contrast between these two characters is indeed interesting. May I be so bold to give you a little suggestion on your punctuation?

You might want to drop the 'comma', between "after all" and "we've been through" and add a question mark at the end of that sentence, or split the sentence into two. Example:

or


For me, it reads more naturally, and I'd prefer the first example over the second. But that's just my personal preference, because that's how the character sounds in my head

Thank you for the comment. I will be exploring the differences between Percy and Lawrence in more pages. I will give you one insight into Lawrence's character: he complains thinking too hard makes his head hurt.

I also appreciate your punctuation alternative and will follow the first example. Grammar isn't my strong suit. I have a software called ProWritingAid that I use and believe helpful, however at at times I find myself arguing with it for it doesn't always explain itself to my satisfaction.

Please, keep your questions, comments, and suggestions coming.

 

[Tawariell]

Thank you for the comment. I will be exploring the differences between Percy and Lawrence in more pages. I will give you one insight into Lawrence's character: he complains thinking too hard makes his head hurt.

I also appreciate your punctuation alternative and will follow the first example. Grammar isn't my strong suit. I have a software called ProWritingAid that I use and believe helpful, however at at times I find myself arguing with it for it doesn't always explain itself to my satisfaction.

Please, keep your questions, comments, and suggestions coming.

Yes, I see how the comma got there, cause my ProWritingAid suggested it on that exact spot as well haha.

Haha, thinking too hard makes his head hurt. Interesting.