WHEN LIGHTNING STRIKES: Synopsis (Please be brutal)

[Maseeha.Aellari]

Yay! I've reached my 30 posts and I am dying for feedback on this. So quick backstory. This is for a YA epic fantasy revolving around twin sisters Heela and Flo as they pursue a quest in the magical world of Aellarion. I've hated this synopsis but it's done, and now I'm overthinking which is an annoying habit. Please tear this to shreds and do not spare my little kitten feelings. Greatly appreciate all of this

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In a land where Olde Majik still flows like a river beneath the surface, the crown princesses were born, pushing Prince Erup over the edge and into the shoes of a tyrannical overlord.

Heela, a wishful 16-year-old in New York, longs to escape her orphanage and find her family. After she exposes the fact that she and her ex-best-friend Flo are twins, Heela discovers her mother’s journal, containing a message, a warning that a portal to Aellarion will open at midnight. Heela shows the journal to Flo, convincing her to come with on the search for their mother.

On their arrival, the girls are taken to the rebellion leader, Niming, who informs them that their uncle, Prince Erup, has seized the throne for himself and has imprisoned their parents. Fuelled by the longing for a real family, Heela and Flo agree to track down the Pieces of Nosaer, a legendary weapon that can defeat Erup and save their parents.

Accompanied by their bending master, the girls travel through the four realms of Aellarion, where each Realm Leader gives them a challenge to retrieve a Piece of Nosaer. In the first realm, they scale a fire-spitting tree to collect a sack of berries. Heela also gets close to Claeg, a philophobic soldier who is extremely suspicious of the rebellion leader, and is devastated when he is killed during one of Erup’s attacks. In the second realm, Erup orders a siege to capture the girls. Yearning to avenge Claeg, Heela unknowingly summons her crux, the epicentre of her bending, triggering a lightning storm that wipes out Erup’s army. Once the siege ends, the girls fulfil their mission, retrieving a powerful pearl to receive the Piece of Nosaer.

In the third realm, the girls are tasked with finding the Realm Leader’s pet stag, but Flo keeps disappearing and Heela is saved from a strange beast by… Claeg’s ghost? His twin? Nothing makes sense anymore, and Heela starts to doubt if she has the strength to kill Erup. When a furious battle breaks out against Erup’s armies, and instead of fighting, Heela and Flo are sent off to complete their quest with the image of their bending mentor’s mangled and bloodied body engraved in their minds.

Without the knowledge of her mentor’s fate, Heela assumes the worse, and is more determined than ever to face Erup, save her parents, and avenge everyone that had been lost in the war. This time, she threatens Nebul, a geeky young alchemist, into handing over the final Piece. He gives in after Heela heals his sister, and even agrees to reforge Nosaer. During this time, Nebul falls in love with Flo, but before he can reveal his feelings, they are attacked by Erup’s right-hand man. He blackmails Heela into handing over Nosaer to save Flo’s life, but once the sword is in his hands, Flo is thrown off the clouds to the jagged rocks below, and disappears. Before she can do any serious damage, he knocks Heela unconscious and takes her to the palace.

Heela wakes to find herself strapped to the Needle, a machine designed by Niming to drain an individual’s crux from their blood. Flo turns out to be alive, and is still fuming over the Incident, the day Heela told everyone that her foster mother had died. Now a member of the radical Azalean Order, she’s bent on using the Needle to make her mark on history by righting the power imbalance between benders and non-benders. Heela tries in vain to save the Flo she knows and loves, but when her attempts fail, Flo activates the machine to prove her strength. The surge of energy allows Heela to discover her crux: hope, and she teleports to the safety of the Air Realm, where her unconscious body is discovered a week after Flo’s coronation.

 

[G.T.]

After reading through the entire text I'd say you need to explain the following in the first paragraph:
Aellarion has four realms.
The reason for Erup's coup and the sending of the princesses to another world.
What is bending.
What is a crux.

Something like:

In Aellarion's four realms, Olde Majik still flows like a river beneath the surface. The use of majik, Bending, can be performed when someone discovers their crux, the centre of majik within themselves. When the crown princesses were born, their uncle (?) Prince Erup, seeing his chance at the crown slipping away, seized control. The King and Queen sent their daughters to safety in another world before being captured. Only the Princesses might have the power to stop Erup, but they have been lost for many years...

Heela, a wishful 16-year-old in New York, (etc)

Not knowing your full text some of my example might be incorrect but you get the idea. That's what I felt reading it through. Otherwise, things seem a little confusing as you introduce new concepts.

If you are doing something with Pure Reason it might be worth making that more obvious.

 

[bingsubb]

The concept seems interesting! I agree with G.T.'s advice on having the first paragraph be a more solid explanation of the story's core concepts. As I kept reading, I found myself getting confused on what certain terms meant and had to backtrack to understand.

Correct me if I'm misunderstanding, but Flo's betrayal is because "Heela told everyone that her foster mother had died". So she has a grudge? Why would this be a bad thing? It just seems a bit weak and trivial of a motivation for an antagonist to have, even a teenager. Petty revenge is one thing, but to alter the order of an entire world over it is a bit eh... Especially after everything the girls had gone through together. Maybe it's better explained in the story.

One nitpicky thing is that the US no longer has orphanages. They've been replaced by the foster care system, group homes, etc. I'm not sure what time period you're going for, though.

 

[Maseeha.Aellari]

One nitpicky thing is that the US no longer has orphanages. They've been replaced by the foster care system, group homes, etc. I'm not sure what time period you're going for, though.

So the beginning is set in New York in 1948 and then they're whisked off to Aellarion. I'll add that in to the synopsis.

Thank you for your help!

 

[Wayne Mack]

What is the purpose for the synopsis? If it is an outline to write the story, then I'd say go ahead and start writing. If the story needs to diverge from the synopsis, then let it. If it is intended to sell an already written story to an agent or publisher, then it fails to drive interest. For the latter case, I would start with a one paragraph summary of the main conflict before giving the blow by blow break out of what happens.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is an interesting notion for a story, though it does seem to be just another quest story where the MC collect items to accomplish the mission.

I'm assuming this is a summary meant for publishers or agents to read and that you have a finished manuscript.

With that in mind there are a number of problems that can be explained easiest by looking at the last paragraph of the synopsis.

Heela wakes to find herself strapped to the Needle, a machine designed by Niming to drain an individual’s crux from their blood. Flo turns out to be alive, and is still fuming over the Incident, the day Heela told everyone that her foster mother had died. Now a member of the radical Azalean Order, she’s bent on using the Needle to make her mark on history by righting the power imbalance between benders and non-benders. Heela tries in vain to save the Flo she knows and loves, but when her attempts fail, Flo activates the machine to prove her strength. The surge of energy allows Heela to discover her crux: hope, and she teleports to the safety of the Air Realm, where her unconscious body is discovered a week after Flo’s coronation.

The last paragraph should be summing up and concluding the story with a full explanation. Such as is Heela in a permanent coma since her unconscious body is found. And is Flo's coronation a good thing or bad thing. I'd expect a bit more explanation here.

However, there is a more important thing that needs fixed first.

This line:

Flo turns out to be alive, and is still fuming over the Incident, the day Heela told everyone that her foster mother had died.

This seems to come out of nowhere when I search above there is no mention of this and if I were following the synopsis as though it were giving me the most important details as they occur I would assume that this enmity between them has come out of nowhere.

This is an important issue because all the previous paragraphs seem to overlook the possible enmity.

They agree to use the portal together and they seem to be in agreement to find their parents. They join the rebels together and undertake training together and go on the quest together. Nowhere do we see this conflict that is between them. This is a major plot point based on the last paragraph and it isn't mentioned until that paragraph.

There should be all sorts of mention of the conflict between these two throughout the entire story because once again this is a big issue and it should be showing up throughout the story.

Looking at this from an agent point of view, I'd conclude that it's likely you are not utilizing the most important conflict in your story and would not want to waste time on a story that might need some major rewriting to bring the proper things into focus.

With Heela in a coma and Flo taking over rulership at the end the conflict between the two becomes a major plot point that should be showing up everywhere from where it started, which I assume is at the very beginning, to where it is resolved or when the story ends.

We should see either that there are steps that take this from conflict to resolution or steps that take this from one point to an escalation that leads to one of them coming out as victor and the other as defeated.

That ultimately seems to be what your story is really about.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

In a land where Olde Majik still flows like a river beneath the surface, the crown princesses were born, pushing Prince Erup over the edge and into the shoes of a tyrannical overlord.

This begs the question of why the birth of princesses causes Erup to become a tyrannical overlord.

Heela, a wishful 16-year-old in New York, longs to escape her orphanage and find her family. After she exposes the fact that she and her ex-best-friend Flo are twins, Heela discovers her mother’s journal, containing a message, a warning that a portal to Aellarion will open at midnight. Heela shows the journal to Flo, convincing her to come with on the search for their mother.

I'm guessing that the twin princesses have been hidden in our world. If the synopsis is a tool for selling the story, you need to make this clearer.

On their arrival, the girls are taken to the rebellion leader, Niming, who informs them that their uncle, Prince Erup, has seized the throne for himself and has imprisoned their parents. Fuelled by the longing for a real family, Heela and Flo agree to track down the Pieces of Nosaer, a legendary weapon that can defeat Erup and save their parents.

There is a rebellion? Okay. The quest for a legendary weapon is an over-familiar idea. Sounds like a computer game.

Accompanied by their bending master, the girls travel through the four realms of Aellarion, where each Realm Leader gives them a challenge to retrieve a Piece of Nosaer. In the first realm, they scale a fire-spitting tree to collect a sack of berries. Heela also gets close to Claeg, a philophobic soldier who is extremely suspicious of the rebellion leader, and is devastated when he is killed during one of Erup’s attacks. In the second realm, Erup orders a siege to capture the girls. Yearning to avenge Claeg, Heela unknowingly summons her crux, the epicentre of her bending, triggering a lightning storm that wipes out Erup’s army. Once the siege ends, the girls fulfil their mission, retrieving a powerful pearl to receive the Piece of Nosaer.

This is sounding even more like a computer game. What is 'bending'?

Flo turns out to be alive, and is still fuming over the Incident, the day Heela told everyone that her foster mother had died.

I can't imagine why they would be bothered about this, considering the challenges they face in getting rid of Erup.
The above points are questions or comments that anyone reading this synopsis might make.

Also, I can't tell what is the purpose of this synopsis. If it is meant to help sell the story to an agent, it needs a bit of work done on it to clarify various things. I wasn't setting out to be negative with my comments, but it may give you some idea of how an agent might react.

If this is a synopsis for a story you have yet to write, go ahead and write it, and do not solicit any further comment till you have finished the whole of the first draft. It looks like the story might well be a lot of fun, but nobody will know that till you have actually written it.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi welcome to the crits.
I'm known for being picky so I don't need an invitation to be brutal - but thanks

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All just my own opinions based on no expertise or super knowldge.

Yay! I've reached my 30 posts and I am dying for feedback on this. So quick backstory. This is for a YA epic fantasy revolving around twin sisters Heela and Flo as they pursue a quest in the magical world of Aellarion. I've hated this synopsis but it's done, and now I'm overthinking which is an annoying habit. Please tear this to shreds and do not spare my little kitten feelings. Greatly appreciate all of this

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In a land where Olde Majik still flows like a river beneath the surface, the crown princesses were born, pushing Prince Erup (I don't see reasoning for this - He's male and older so why should it bother him - In other words more clarifation needed IMO - From freading on below, I now get it, but some indication he had been the next in line might clarify) over the edge and turning him into and into the shoes of a tyrannical overlord.

Heela, a wishful (Implies something that should be a mystery at this stage - I'm assuming she has no prior knowledge of the Majik stuff)16-year-old in New York, longs to escape her orphanage and find her family. After she exposes the fact that she and her ex-best-friend (ex best twin?) Flo are twins, Heela discovers her mother’s journal, containing a message, a warning that a portal to Aellarion will open at midnight. Heela shows the journal to Flo, convincing her to come with on the search for their mother.

On their arrival, the girls are taken to the rebellion leader (a pre-mention of the fact all is not well in Denmark might help), Niming, who informs them that their (My impression was these were two other twins) uncle, Prince Erup, has seized the throne for himself and has imprisoned their parents. Fuelled by the longing for a real family, Heela and Flo agree to track down the Pieces of Nosaer, a legendary weapon that can defeat Erup and save their parents.

Accompanied by their bending master, the girls travel through the four realms of Aellarion, where each Realm Leader gives them a challenge to retrieve a Piece of Nosaer. In the first realm, they scale a fire-spitting tree to collect a sack of berries. Heela also gets close to Claeg, a philophobic soldier who is extremely suspicious of the rebellion leader, and is devastated when he is killed during one of Erup’s attacks. In the second realm, Erup orders a siege to capture the girls. Yearning to avenge Claeg, Heela unknowingly summons her crux, the epicentre of her bending, triggering a lightning storm that wipes out the bulk Erup’s army. Once the siege ends, the girls fulfil their mission, retrieving a powerful pearl to receive the Piece of Nosaer.

In the third realm, the girls are tasked with finding the Realm Leader’s pet stag, but Flo keeps disappearing and Heela is saved from a strange beast by… Claeg’s ghost? His twin? Nothing makes sense anymore, and Heela starts to doubt if she has the strength to kill Erup. When a furious battle breaks out against Erup’s armies, and instead of fighting, Heela and Flo are sent off to complete their quest with the image of their bending mentor’s mangled and bloodied body engraved in their minds.

Without the knowledge of her mentor’s fate, Heela assumes the worse, and is more determined than ever to face Erup, save her parents, and avenge everyone that had been lost in the war. This time, she threatens Nebul, a geeky young alchemist, into handing over the final Piece. He gives in after Heela heals his sister, and even agrees to reforge Nosaer. During this time, Nebul falls in love with Flo, but before he can reveal his feelings, they are attacked by Erup’s right-hand man. He blackmails forces Heela into handing over Nosaer to save Flo’s life, but once the sword is in his hands, Flo is thrown off the clouds to the jagged rocks below, and disappears. (implies a return OK its obvious but no need to spell it out) Before she can do any serious damage, he knocks Heela unconscious and takes her to the palace.

Heela wakes to find herself strapped to the Needle, a machine designed by Niming to drain an individual’s crux from their blood. Flo turns out to be alive, and is still fuming over the Incident, the day Heela told everyone that her foster mother had died. Now a member of the radical Azalean Order, she’s bent on using the Needle to make her mark on history by righting the power imbalance between benders and non-benders. Heela tries in vain to save the Flo she knows and loves, but when her attempts fail, Flo activates the machine to prove her strength. The surge of energy allows Heela to discover her crux: hope (?), and she teleports to the safety of the Air Realm, where her unconscious body is discovered a week after Flo’s coronation.

OK, I think this will work. It has some merit and I would read it.

I'd be tempted to run the "quests" as separate stories where each sister has to recover two pieces, but maybe that doesn't work for your tale. It would give each sister an individual ark. Maybe one could fail in her task so that (big sister/older twin) has to step in and sort it out. I would also set the four regions as separate paragraphs in the Synopsis above.

I assume Hope is a special crux type, but to me it was odd just being thrown in there.

As I said I'm no expert, but if this is for a potential agent then it might be a bit rushed. If it's for the book cover its too long IMO.

Hope I helped.

Tein

 

[Maseeha.Aellari]

I am blown away by the feedback. Thank you everyone for your help and I really appreciate the reality-check. I've edited the synopsis and changed some parts because I realised that I wasn't giving the full plot and focused too much on the sub-plots. Please let me know what you think
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When the crown princesses of Aellarion are born, Prince Erup, seeing his claim to the throne slipping through his grasp, seizes control. The King and Queen send their daughters to America for safety as Erup breaches the castle’s defences and declares himself ruler of Aellarion’s four realms. The girls are the only keys to a legendary weapon, Nosaer, but they’ve been lost for many years…

Heela, a wide-eyed hijabi in 1940s New York, dreams of escaping the orphanage to find her family. She knows that they’re still out there thanks to her mother’s journal. She discovered it a month ago after the Incident, the day Heela told everyone that her best friend Flo’s foster mother had passed away, but she’s never been able to open it. The keys to the journal's lock are two pendants, but Heela only owns one of them. The day before her sixteenth birthday, Heela exposes the secret that she and Flo are actually twins. She shows Flo the journal and, after using Flo’s pendant to open the lock, the girls find a message inside, a warning that a portal home to Aellarion will open at midnight. Both seeing a chance at family redemption, the girls agree to work together to find their mother.

On their arrival, the girls are taken to the rebellion leader Niming, who tasks them with retrieving the four Pieces of Nosaer, claiming that the sword has the power to save their parents. Each Piece was placed under the protection of a Realm Leader, who sets out a challenge for the girls to complete to receive the Piece. To do so, they need to master their crux, their connection to Aellarion’s Olde Magick, which is used by every citizen through affinity.

Their first mission is to scale a fire-spitting tree to collect the Realm Leader’s favourite berries. The trees sense fear, making it even more difficult for Heela to fulfil their task as she battles her fear of heights. After they get the hilt of Nosaer, they get caught in the middle of one of Erup’s raids and the girls witness a village get burnt to the ground along with Claeg, a soldier that Heela made the mistake of getting close to.

Determined not to get distracted again, the girls arrive in the second realm where they have to retrieve a powerful pearl to get the second Piece. Before they can, Erup’s right-hand man lays siege to the realm and will only stop once the girls are in his hands. Heela, eager to avenge Claeg, unknowingly summons her crux and wipes out Erup’s army, ending the siege. They finally collect the Pearl and are given half of Nosaer’s guard.

To collect the other half of the guard, Heela and Flo search the third realm for the leader’s missing pet stag. The girls drift apart as Flo keeps disappearing and Heela begins to doubt if she’ll be strong enough to face Erup at the end of the day. Once they find the stag, a furious battle breaks out against Erup’s armies, and the girls are sent off to complete their quest with the cries of the fallen echoing behind them.

Haunted by the deaths of the battle, Heela is more determined than ever to face Erup, save her parents, and avenge everyone that had been lost in the war she caused. This time, she threatens Nebul, the realm's regent, into handing over the final Piece. He gives in after Heela threatens to hurt his sister, even agreeing to reforge Nosaer. The girls collide with Erup’s right-hand man again as he blackmails Heela into handing over the sword to save Flo’s life. Once it’s in his hands, Flo is thrown off the clouds and disappears. Heela, blinded by her tears, gets knocked unconscious and is taken to the palace.

She wakes to find herself strapped to the Needle, a machine designed by Niming to drain an individual’s crux from their blood. Flo turns out to be alive and, now a member of the radical Azalean Order, is bent on using the Needle to take everyone’s affinity so she is powerful enough to bring back her foster mother. Heela tries in vain to save the Flo she knows and loves, but when her attempts fail, Flo activates the machine to prove her strength. The surge of Olde Magik allows Heela to discover her crux, hope, and she teleports to the safety of Nebul’s realm, where her unconscious body is discovered a week after Flo’s coronation.
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P.S. This is for agents

 

[sule]

I think this second pass at the synopsis gives a much clearer view of what happens in your story. I think you did a very good job of explaining the world of your story and I understood a lot better many of the terms you used. In my opinion, this is a very clean synopsis for a novel I assume has already been written.

There are a few line quibbles that I had.

they get caught in the middle of one of Erup’s raids and the girls witness a village get burnt to the ground along with Claeg, a soldier that Heela made the mistake of getting close to.

Determined not to get distracted again,

Considering that they just witnessed a massacre (including the death of a friend), I don't think these characters will be thinking "Well, we better not get distracted again." My thought is that you could use a transitional like "Reeling from this awful tragedy," or something to that effect rather than undersell what just happened.

The girls collide with Erup’s right-hand man again as he blackmails Heela into handing over the sword to save Flo’s life. Once it’s in his hands, Flo is thrown off the clouds and disappears.

There is no mention beforehand of where this confrontation takes place, so Flora being "thrown off the clouds" was genuinely confusing for me as a reader because I had no idea where they were.

You can skip the rest of this post if all you're looking for is feedback pertaining to "Does this synopsis clearly explain the plot of my already finished novel?" The answer to that question, at least for me, is yes.

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DISCLAIMER: The following paragraphs are my personal thoughts on the story as presented in your synopsis, coming only from my experience as a reader and writer.

There are some problems I had with the plot promises you were making in your synopsis, and specifically how they interacted with the ending you've presented.

I think your novel's ending doesn't work, and I'll explain my reasoning. The entirety of your novel is about gathering the pieces of a sword to defeat an evil king. However, the confrontation with Erup never takes place. Instead, it seemed like the sword, all that work, and (most importantly) all the time the reader invested in reading about the quest were thrown away during a brief confrontation with Erup's second-in-command. If I was someone reading this novel, I would feel cheated that the quest of reassembling Nosaer ended up being a dead-end and instead felt like something that was cast aside at the earliest convenience to make way for Flo's heel turn.

Again, these are just an amateur's opinions, but I think the main problem with your ending is that it feels like it comes out of nowhere and doesn't interact at all with the earlier parts of the novel. It's not a twist, it's a complete reversal from all the promises you've made. There is not even a single mention of Erup or Nosaer in the final paragraph. They've literally been cast aside for this twist ending.

My guess is that this ending arose from one of two lines of thought. Either you decided, "An ending with them defeating Erup is way too predictable, I need my ending to be a twist," or, "This is only the first book in a series. They don't need to defeat Erup in book one and besides, this is a better way to set up the sequel." My issue with those lines of thought is that they forget about all the promises you made throughout your novel, that the entire story seemed to be framed around getting Nosaer and confronting Erup. To not even confront him felt like a betrayal of your promises and a waste of the reader's time.

I don't think you need to change the ending (although some mention of Erup at the end could at the very least signal to the reader that you haven't forgotten about the quest that the characters went on), I think you need to change your promises. The ending it appears you are trying to earn involves Flo turning out to be the true bad guy. I think two things, specifically, need to be brought up earlier: The Needle, and the Azalean Order. These two things being mentioned for the first time in that last paragraph adds to the feel that the ending comes out of nowhere (because you're literally bringing things in to the synopsis that have never been mentioned before).

Those aren't the only things that need mentioning earlier. If Flo's true motivation is to bring back her foster mother, we need to see that mentioned a few more times in their quest, beyond the second paragraph. We need more than "Flo keeps mysteriously disappearing" to seed the promises that she will turn out to be evil. Potentially, she needs to act in a morally dubious manner that troubles Heela and foreshadows what her final decision will be (for instance, she could be the one to threaten Nebul and his sister, not Heela).

I hope there's something in here that helps, but if there isn't I'm perfectly all right with you ignoring all of this. Keep writing.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

As I understand it (which as I mentioned means I understand nothing and those more experienced with the beasts will correct me) agents are not in the business of discovering plots. They want a clear, no hidden suprises, description of what your story is about. As I said before IMO you're trying to hold back which you would do on the cover, but not for the agents.

Also, I found the old power hungry Flo a bit hard to take (again only an oppinion).

I would drop the phrase "strapped to".

Hope I helped

Tein

 

[Chris 1978]

Some of my thoughts. I'm quite new to this so please take all that I say with a pinch of salt (and potentially a spell check )

Firstly, it sounds epic and the way you've managed to introduce some classic themes and devices is admirable. You have so much going on and lots of opportunity to weave an incredible tale here.

Below I've commented specifically on a few random elements that stood out to me:

Regarding the relationship between the twins. Personally I really enjoy seeing people change from 'good' to 'bad' throughout the course of their story (or being suspicious that they will but not really sure) from hints to their darker side to their confirmation of evil doer 'moment of glory'. This can be delightful to read when done well. The struggle with being a foster, losing a parent and the sibling rivalry with a twin are all good ammo for this.

Is this concept of the crux and its name something you designed yourself? if so great, if not then perhaps create another name for this inner magic power.

Heela threatening the Regent with harming their sister doesn't sound particularly honorable or upstanding to me. Perhaps I misunderstood your intent here but it sounds more like something Flo would do and could lend itself to her transformation arc.

I also feel like this is the first in a series, so understand that some aspects aren't resolved.

Excited for you and the adventure you must be having writing this!