The Price of Perfection Synopsis - Tear this apart before publishers/agents do!

SashaMcallister

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All Nova (19) wants is a perfect life, or at least a quiet life away from the violent, deranged and narcissistic masses that make up the industrial steam-age city of Eden. The only thing in the way is a hefty lack of funds, so she sets out with her lovely, bubbly, wisecracking friend and fellow huntress Lux (19) to sell a trio of exotic beasts on the black market.

After delivering the contraband to Vexia, a beautiful, mysterious and unhinged woman who views people as playthings, Nova and Lux stumble through an anomaly taking them back 500 years to the Age of the Clerics. Terrified their interactions with the past will erase everything they love via the butterfly effect, the girls believe they have no choice but to restore history to its original course—a horrific task that requires hunting down and killing a man whose life they had just saved, and rescuing Kza, history’s cruelest, yet surprisingly charming, mass murderer and genius.

The corrupt, manipulative clerics cast Nova and Lux into a pit for their crimes. Wounded, destitute and feeling guilty for allowing a massacre to transpire, Nova promises herself that should she survive, she would purge Eden of its evils instead of merely isolating herself from them, with the ultimate goal of building a perfect world.

The girls escape through another time-rift into the post-apocalyptic future. They learn that the Second Sun, the celestial object worshiped for centuries as God Himself, destroyed the world, reducing it to a toxic wasteland. Survivors belong to one of two groups: one: a fanatical cult led by Malachi, a cold, otherworldly man bent on driving mankind to extinction to undo his ancient mistake of letting humans with freewill multiply, and two: the refugees struggling to survive the onslaught. Keeping her promise to herself, when Nova discovers the refugee leader is as deranged as the cultists, she kills him and leads the refugees in her own campaign against Malachi. The ensuing battles prove catastrophic with nearly all of humanity killed off, shattering the girls’ dream of building a perfect world from the ashes.

Surrounded by the smoldering ruins of their failure, Nova and Lux learn from Malachi that the Second Sun was not God, but a weapon of Kza’s from the Age of the Clerics. The girls reason that if they go back in time and kill him, they can prevent the horrific events of the future from ever happening, reigniting hope. Not long after, Nova comes face to face with Kza and shoots him, but to her bewilderment, the critically wounded Kza smiles and forgives her, then escapes.

With unwavering determination, Nova and Lux take a more direct approach to save mankind by seeking to destroy the Second Sun itself. However, Nova reaches a turning point when the very people she’s trying to protect betray and savagely murder the ever-lovable and innocent Lux. The only person worth saving is dead. Were it possible, Nova would trade all the world’s lives for Lux’s. In a crusade of lethal justice, she teams up with Kza and Malachi on their quest to burn the world, using them as pawns, and fights her way to the Second Sun. The price of perfection is burning the imperfect.

After a brutal trail of death and destruction, all the puzzle pieces come together and Nova has a soul-churning realization: The future cannot be changed. Everything she did to alter history was what caused the original events to transpire, and it was she who destroyed the world via the Second Sun.

In the end, Nova learns the secrets behind the time-rifts and retrieves a duplicate version of Lux, delightful as ever, from before she died. To the girls’ surprise, Kza proves to be an honorable man whose notorious reputation stemmed only from the clerics’ slander. With mankind destroyed and the Second Sun in their control, the three set out to build a perfect world.
 
Are these time rifts a common occurrence in this world? Being described as an anomaly leads me to believe they are not. In that case it seems unlikely they would stumble through one, let alone multiple.

Otherwise, if they have some means of instantiating these rifts, it may be beneficial to note in the synopsis.
 
Are these time rifts a common occurrence in this world? Being described as an anomaly leads me to believe they are not. In that case it seems unlikely they would stumble through one, let alone multiple.

Otherwise, if they have some means of instantiating these rifts, it may be beneficial to note in the synopsis.


Good point! The rifts are made when a special piece of the Second Sun (that Nova unknowingly is wearing as jewelry) gets near other pieces of the Second Sun. It's not until near the end of the book that she figures this out though. I suppose in the synopsis when I mention that she "learns the secrets behind the time-rifts" I can elaborate a bit.
 
I agree with JS Wiig that if the main characters happen to be stumbling into these time anomalies with no control for when or where they occur, it would feel very "convenient" to me as a reader. Specifically, their escape from the cell into a post-apocalyptic future felt a little like the author saying, "Whelp, the story has to continue so I guess this is happening." Again, this is my reaction as a reader to the text as presented; the in-world explanation for the rifts feels like it may come too late for me to satisfactorily believe that these things are happening when they happen.

The rifts are made when a special piece of the Second Sun (that Nova unknowingly is wearing as jewelry) gets near other pieces of the Second Sun.
I feel you should include in the synopsis exactly how Nova came into possession of this jewelry (Was it part of the sale to Vexia? How did Vexia acquire it? Why does the interaction of these pieces create time rifts?). Also, why do the Rifts transport them to those specific times? I feel that the synopsis should explain the mechanics of the anomalies earlier, even if the characters do not understand them yet. (And in my personal opinion, I would like it if the characters had some small understanding of the mechanics--even if it was mostly wrong--just so it felt like they had some agency in the process).

The beginning of the synopsis felt like a non-sequitur that contained some things that happened. The encounter with Vexia and the selling of the beasts to me seemed to accomplish nothing other than to introduce the main characters, but I couldn't see how that specific introduction led into the main storyline beyond their subsequent stumbling into a time vortex, which appeared to me to be unrelated to the preceding events.

I am not a fan of the resolution reveal of Kza's character. Having such a huge character reversal be dealt with after the climactic events of the story felt very off-putting, in the sort of way that a bad romantic comedy feels like it could have ended earlier if the main characters had one real conversation.

In the synopsis, Lux came off as very much a "fridge" character for Nova, which is a character who exists solely to die in a tragic way that motivates the main character to action. The synopsis really didn't give me much in the way of her character beyond how she (and specifically her death) affects Nova. I would have liked to understand more of what she brings to the story herself; how she feels about what is happening, how she contributes to Nova's arc beyond dying, and if she does anything to move the plot along.

These are my personal feelings about the synopsis as presented; I will not be hurt in the slightest if you disregard everything I have said.
 
Sorry, I did want to mention what I liked about the summary, as well. I thought you did a good job of keeping track of Nova's motivations and how she changes in demeanor and action throughout the story.
 
Thanks for all the thorough replies! You bring up some good points that I will have to think about. In the full story itself, most of these concerns have solid answers (Kza is gradually revealed to be a good guy through many clues from the first chapter you meet him til the end, Vexia plays a huge role beginning, middle and end, Lux is the biggest character in the book besides Nova, the characters do have at least some understanding/control over rifts that grows until they figure it all out at the end etc.), so the question is how to resolve the issues you bring up in the synopsis itself, which is tricky since I'm already pretty much at max word count.
 
I like it. I agree with the comments above and suggest that you could say something early on along the lines of, “Nova unwittingly triggers time rifts through a piece of jewellery she wears.” Then at the end say when she realises what’s causing it.
But it does what a synopsis is meant to do, and I think it does it pretty well.
In fact, I’m going to ask if you’d allow me to borrow it for a workshop I’m running tomorrow where I help people improve their cover letters, elevator pitches and synopses. I have few examples of good synopses to show, but this is one! It would obviously be presented as anonymous, and if you’d rather I didn’t, that’s absolutely fine! I just thought I’d ask.
 
I think this is actually really good. The plot points make sense and there's a clear logic that flows through it, which is what you want from a synopsis. I get an idea of the girls' characters, how they change through the story, and a strong indication of the themes of the book. Usually time travel stories end up falling to pieces under the stress of their own illogic, but the fact that this strongly hints at events having been fated because they've already happened is surprisingly clean. The twist about Kza is also good, and not what I expected.

The more I read it the more I think it's one of the strongest synopses I've read. I'd definitely read it. It's sounds very ambitious, darker than I expected, and I hope you can do the idea justice!

A couple of things:
- I'd ditch the italics, they're not necessary and look a bit odd.

savagely murder the ever-lovable and innocent Lux
I don't think you need the adjectives. "...savagely murder Lux" is better IMO.

- What happens with Vexia? She's mentioned once and in bold, indicating she's a major character, but then not again.
 
I would like to hear the comments of the more established authors, but is this rather long for a synopsis? If the intent is to be used as the back cover blurb for a novel, I would expect it to run 2 - 3 paragraphs.
 
Synopses aren't the same as blurbs, Wayne -- they're designed to give agents and publishers the whole story in outline. Basically they're to show the author knows what s/he's doing in constructing the novel so it works and has a proper ending (ie not a deus ex machina or "it was all a dream...")
 
I like it. I agree with the comments above and suggest that you could say something early on along the lines of, “Nova unwittingly triggers time rifts through a piece of jewellery she wears.” Then at the end say when she realises what’s causing it.
But it does what a synopsis is meant to do, and I think it does it pretty well.
In fact, I’m going to ask if you’d allow me to borrow it for a workshop I’m running tomorrow where I help people improve their cover letters, elevator pitches and synopses. I have few examples of good synopses to show, but this is one! It would obviously be presented as anonymous, and if you’d rather I didn’t, that’s absolutely fine! I just thought I’d ask.

That's quite the complement! Sure, you can use it as an example. :)
 
Overall it's not bad, and it certainly looks like a lively enough story. On the downside, there seems no connection between selling the contraband to Vexia and the time-travel. (BTW, this incident seems to have no connection to the Chapter 1 you also posted here.) The synopsis should probably indicate why these two characters, rather than anyone else, stumble through an anomaly, repeatedly it seems. There seems to be a possible intellectual contradiction in that the future is said to be immutable/Nova's time travel is responsible for changing it. If I got that wrong, well...
Some people might see a clash between the humorous tone and the mass death and destruction, but others may not.
Note that you will probably also be submitting a sample of your writing to show that you can write to a sale-able standard of prose, and that the publisher does not have to spend money having your manuscript edited.
 
Good points with Vexia. She is a main character (especially in later books planned for the series) and plays a heavy role in subplots beginning, middle and end, but for the sake of this synopsis, I think she can safely be cut.

The humorous tone is between Lux and Nova only. In a dark world of crazies, they're the only two with any light, optimistic and eagerly trying to get away from/change it all, so the clash between that and the death/destruction is fitting.
 
This is almost there!! First off, I am definitely interested in this synopsis! Let me try to share then the few bits that made me stumble so you can refine further.

the girls believe they have no choice but to restore history to its original course—a horrific task that requires hunting down and killing a man whose life they had just saved, and rescuing Kza, history’s cruelest, yet surprisingly charming, mass murderer and genius

I suspect this is clear to you, but it's not clear to me. Mentioning the guy whose life they just saved in passing means it was a crucial event you're skipping, so it doesn't need to be here - or, you need to say they save his life, and then realize that they may be erasing their future. In other words, it has to tie directly to the stakes you just set forth.

Wounded, destitute and feeling guilty for allowing a massacre to transpire, Nova promises herself that should she survive, she would purge Eden of its evils instead of merely isolating herself from them, with the ultimate goal of building a perfect world.

This is SO close. I think it might be more powerful if we see that she decided trying to keep things the same for the good of all was actually useless, and that she must remake the world rather than try to keep it the same. In other words, regret what they just did WHILE directly confronting the stakes that drove them here . . . the stakes they may just have abandoned.

"freewill" is two words, just FYI. :)

The ensuing battles prove catastrophic with nearly all of humanity killed off, shattering the girls’ dream of building a perfect world from the ashes.

Oh, I FELT that. She's already given up so much for the first set of stakes, and now has also blown the second. Wow.

the Second Sun was not God, but a weapon of Kza’s from the Age of the Clerics. - NICE twist.

when the very people she’s trying to protect betray and savagely murder the ever-lovable and innocent Lux. - it's not obvious why this would happen.

The only person worth saving is dead. - This has NOT been the motivation to this point; perhaps hint at it earlier. In fact, perhaps Lux wanted to save the world, and Nova just wanted to save Lux?

This sounds like a really great romp. It's clear you've worked on world-building, character development, and plot. I REALLY hope you're able to get an agent and this this thing out in the world. Fantastic story!
 
Others have already left great comments, so just wanted to reflect a few of my musings:
  • You do a clear job of explaining the world-building without getting bogged down in history or context!
  • At the end, I wasn't totally sure that they went back in time again (story goes "present", past, future, past, "present"?)
  • Having read Lux and Nova's banter in your other critique section, I feel like you could definitely use their relationship to help explain/drive some of Nova's motivation — maybe just a little more emphasis on Nova's perfect world NEEDING to include Lux because...(she's her only family? She's the only one who..., etc).
  • I love time travel stories (duh) so I really hope you catch an agent and we can read this book!
 

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