Tayanna: The Price of Glory

[Lafayette]

As some suggested here is a re-write of 'Tayanna the Healer'.

“Healer, healer, thank the Creator you’re here,” cried Mrs., Barryton.

“I came as soon as I could,” said Tayanna, brushing brown hair from her eyes. “It’s difficult not having a horse when urgencies call. Now, what seems to be the trouble with your husband?”

“I really don’t know. All I know is, he woke up about two hours ago screaming that his back was hurting and then he started vomiting. And, and he has the shakes. I’ve never seen him this sick. I’m afraid the shakes are going to kill him.”

Tayanna smiled, “Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen. Take me to his room.”

On the bed, the man was tossing and twisting with exhaustion. His paling skin was lathering in pungent sweat. Tayanna also noticed he was gritting his teeth to keep from screaming.

“Hello, Lawrence,” said Tayanna. “I can see you’re having a bad time, but don’t worry I will fix you. Now, tell me, where is your back hurting?”

Lawrence gasped, “Down my back toward my right side. The pain feels sharp. Am I going to die, mage?”

“Not while I am still a healer mage. Now turn on your belly and I will get rid of that pain.”

Placing her right hand on the man’s back, a light blue glow appeared. As the blue light grew in brightness, Tayanna moved her hand in circles. With each movement, the groans of agony dissipated.

“It’s miracle,” said Mrs. Barryton. “It’s a miracle. But, what caused it?”

“We will soon find out,” said Tayanna. “Lawrence, turn on your back. I’m going to do a body scan.”

“You mean you’re not going to cut me open?”

“Of course not, Lawrence, healer mages don’t cut people open. Only pagans do that. Now, be quiet while I concentrate.”

Tayanna took a deep breath, then her chocolate brown eyes turned baby-blue. As she concentrated, her gaze began traveling from Lawrence’s head to his neck to his chest. The lungs were clean; the heart was beating at a steady rate no obstructions in any of the valves or the aorta from there her scan moved to the spleen and liver, both were functioning properly then to his kidneys. There, Tayanna’s probe hovered and focused.

“Lawrence,” said Tayanna, “you have kidney stones, big ones too, the size of peas.”

“How bad is that? Can, you cure that?”

“They will either inhibit your flow of pea causing burning and pain or prevent you from peeing at all. And, yes, I can cure it. Now, turn over on your left side and I will do my magic.”

Placing her hand on his right side, Tayanna’s eyes turned blue again and said, “You’re going to feel a lot of heat, but don’t move or worry, I won’t burn you.”

As Tayanna’s scrutiny intensified, she could see the kidney stones shattering into miniscule bits.

The healing completed, Tayanna spoke. “You may feel some discomfort the next few days and you will urinate some blood, but don’t worry, it’s all natural. If you experience some pain, take two sips of this pain potion. In the meantime, drink lots of water and lay off the coffee for five days. However, if you run a fever call me.”

“Thank you, thank you healer very much. How can we ever pay you?” asked Mrs. Barryton.

“Well, a bit of silver will help.”

“Ah, ah…. We have no silver, only copper. Would you take a take a chicken instead? Or perhaps some berries? We have lots of berries.”

Tayanna sighed, “Keep the copper coins, you need them more than I do. Do you have any sugar berries?”

“Oh yes, we have plenty of them.”

Tayanna smiled. “Then give me a quarter basket full and I’ll be on my way.”

 

[Wayne Mack]

I think this works much better as an introduction because it is greatly pared down and exhibits a recognizable story arc. Two things, though, this writing as lost some of the descriptive detail that made your previous version interesting and there is still a tendency to tell much all at once. I'll throw some ideas out below, but that leaves it up to you to determine which make sense and which you choose to ignore to properly tell your story.

[At the end, the story relies on this being a poor couple. This could foreshadowed at the beginning by describing the house as Tayanna approaches it. This would allow use of your descriptive detail to support this story arc.]

“Healer, healer, thank the Creator you’re here,” cried Mrs., [misplaced comma] Barryton.

“I came as soon [as quickly?] as I could,” said Tayanna, brushing brown hair from her eyes. “It’s difficult not having a horse when urgencies call. Now, what seems to be the trouble with your husband?”

['as soon as' implies that other duties prevented Tayanna from coming not a lack of a horse.]
[This feels like too much info all at once. The brown hair could be pushed up to the opening line, ex., "The brown haired healer, Tayanna, approached ..." Apologizing and then whining about not having a horse do not give a feeling of urgency to seeing the patient.]
[As sweet berries are brought in at the end, it would be better to have Tayanna observe them now and give a hint as to why she would accept them as payment. Is she addicted to them? Do they provide her magic? Does she just have a tremendous sweet tooth?]

“I really don’t know. All I know is, he woke up about two hours ago screaming that his back was hurting and then he started vomiting. And, and he has the shakes. I’ve never seen him this sick. I’m afraid the shakes are going to kill him.”

[Instead of the wife info dumping on her husband's condition, have Tayanna observe this and get details from interviewing the patient.]

Tayanna smiled, “Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen. Take me to his room.”

[Smiling seems to be a very odd way to react to a concerned wife.]

On the bed, the man was tossing and twisting with exhaustion. His paling skin was lathering in pungent sweat. Tayanna also noticed he was gritting his teeth to keep from screaming.

[This is a place to use your skills in describing the scene as Tayanna investigates. Shaking appeared to be the major symptom, she should see him shaking. She should smell the pungent aroma of vomit. She could see him gritting his teeth and probably grimacing, but she couldn't know why.]

“Hello, Lawrence,” said Tayanna. “I can see you’re having a bad time, but don’t worry I will fix you. Now, tell me, where is your back hurting?”

Lawrence gasped, “Down my back toward my right side. The pain feels sharp. Am I going to die, mage?”

“Not while I am still a healer mage. Now turn on your belly and I will get rid of that pain.”

[Odd that she we refer to the wife as Mrs., but use the first name for the husband.]
[I would expect that she would diagnose the condition, first, and then heal afterwards.]
[Shakes appeared to be the major symptom originally, but they are never observed or discussed.]
[If the husband is in pain and gritting his teeth, I would expect his answers to be short and terse.]

Placing her right hand on the man’s back, a light blue glow appeared. As the blue light grew in brightness, Tayanna moved her hand in circles. With each movement, the groans of agony dissipated.

“It’s miracle,” said Mrs. Barryton. “It’s a miracle. But, what caused it?”

“We will soon find out,” said Tayanna. “Lawrence, turn on your back. I’m going to do a body scan.”

“You mean you’re not going to cut me open?”

“Of course not, Lawrence, healer mages don’t cut people open. Only pagans do that. Now, be quiet while I concentrate.”

[Repeated the healer reference multiple times. Couple is already aware she is a healer. One reference at the beginning is sufficient.]
[I don't believe the term 'pagan' is correct. It is more likely that Tayanna would be viewed as a pagan.]

Tayanna took a deep breath, then her chocolate brown eyes turned baby-blue. As she concentrated, her gaze began traveling from Lawrence’s head to his neck to his chest. The lungs were clean; the heart was beating at a steady rate no obstructions in any of the valves or the aorta from there her scan moved to the spleen and liver, both were functioning properly then to his kidneys. There, Tayanna’s probe hovered and focused.

[Reference to original eye color comes very late. Perhaps include it in the opening sentence, maybe in lieu of description of hair color.]
[If eye color change represents use of magic, I would have expected it to occur prior to her healing the pain.]
[This might be a good time to explore Tayanna's magic skills. How do these images appear to her? The description sounds like something out of a medical text that I do not believe Tayanna would have ever read.]
[In diagnosis, I would expect Tayanna to alternate asking short questions and confirming each answer with a scan.]

“Lawrence,” said Tayanna, “you have kidney stones, big ones too, the size of peas.”

“How bad is that? Can, you cure that?”

“They will either inhibit your flow of pea causing burning and pain or prevent you from peeing at all. And, yes, I can cure it. Now, turn over on your left side and I will do my magic.”

Placing her hand on his right side, Tayanna’s eyes turned blue again and said, “You’re going to feel a lot of heat, but don’t move or worry, I won’t burn you.”

As Tayanna’s scrutiny intensified, she could see the kidney stones shattering into miniscule bits.

[Why was the pain eliminated at the start and the actual healing only occurred now?]

The healing completed, Tayanna spoke. “You may feel some discomfort the next few days and you will urinate some blood, but don’t worry, it’s all natural. If you experience some pain, take two sips of this pain potion. In the meantime, drink lots of water and lay off the coffee for five days. However, if you run a fever call me.”

“Thank you, thank you healer very much. How can we ever pay you?” asked Mrs. Barryton.

“Well, a bit of silver will help.”

[As Tayanna appears to know this couple, wouldn't she already realize that they had no silver? See foreshadowing comment at the start.]

“Ah, ah…. We have no silver, only copper. Would you take a take a chicken instead? Or perhaps some berries? We have lots of berries.”

Tayanna sighed, “Keep the copper coins, you need them more than I do. Do you have any sugar berries?”

“Oh yes, we have plenty of them.”

Tayanna smiled. “Then give me a quarter basket full and I’ll be on my way.”

[Asking for silver and then skipping to asking for sugar berries seems to be a leap. See comment near top about foreshadowing the existence of and Tayanna's desire for the sugar berries.]

I feel this is a better intro for you. This allows you to introduce Tayanna and some of the healer magic system. Following sections and chapters can build on this once the reader has been introduced to this. I really think you are heading in the right direction with this.

 

[Lafayette]

First off, thank you for your critique. To me it has value.

I think this works much better as an introduction because it is greatly pared down and exhibits a recognizable story arc. Two things, though, this writing as lost some of the descriptive detail that made your previous version interesting

I also miss the descriptive detail and will be rewriting this.

and there is still a tendency to tell much all at once.

There is? I will double check this.

I'll throw some ideas out below, but that leaves it up to you to determine which make sense and which you choose to ignore to properly tell your story.

That I will. I have found at times writing is a balancing act.

[At the end, the story relies on this being a poor couple. This could foreshadowed at the beginning by describing the house as Tayanna approaches it. This would allow use of your descriptive detail to support this story arc.]

This is a good idea. I'll give it a shot.

“Healer, healer, thank the Creator you’re here,” cried Mrs., [misplaced comma] Barryton.

“I came as soon [as quickly?] as I could,” said Tayanna, brushing brown hair from her eyes. “It’s difficult not having a horse when urgencies call. Now, what seems to be the trouble with your husband?”

['as soon as' implies that other duties prevented Tayanna from coming not a lack of a horse.]

I never thought of that. I understand the connotation now that you have pointed it out.

[This feels like too much info all at once. The brown hair could be pushed up to the opening line, ex., "The brown haired healer, Tayanna, approached ...

" Apologizing and then whining about not having a horse do not give a feeling of urgency to seeing the patient.]

Perhaps it would better to say that she was busy with another patient. Yet, I find this as a legitimate excuse for being slow.

[As sweet berries are brought in at the end, it would be better to have Tayanna observe them now and give a hint as to why she would accept them as payment.

I'll try this idea.

Is she addicted to them?

Yes.

Do they provide her magic?

No. They help her in dealing with the side effects of Weldon's Woe a disease she has.

Does she just have a tremendous sweet tooth?]

No.

“I really don’t know. All I know is, he woke up about two hours ago screaming that his back was hurting and then he started vomiting. And, and he has the shakes. I’ve never seen him this sick. I’m afraid the shakes are going to kill him.”

[Instead of the wife info dumping on her husband's condition, have Tayanna observe this and get details from interviewing the patient.]

This may be a better idea, but I feel in this situation the wife would be the first person Tayanna would see and speak to.

Tayanna smiled, “Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen. Take me to his room.”

[Smiling seems to be a very odd way to react to a concerned wife.]

Perhaps, I should say, "Tayanna gave a reassuring smile."

On the bed, the man was tossing and twisting with exhaustion. His paling skin was lathering in pungent sweat. Tayanna also noticed he was gritting his teeth to keep from screaming.

[This is a place to use your skills in describing the scene as Tayanna investigates. Shaking appeared to be the major symptom, she should see him shaking. She should smell the pungent aroma of vomit. She could see him gritting his teeth and probably grimacing, but she couldn't know why.]

I thought I did describe it, but I will rewrite it.

“Hello, Lawrence,” said Tayanna. “I can see you’re having a bad time, but don’t worry I will fix you. Now, tell me, where is your back hurting?”

Lawrence gasped, “Down my back toward my right side. The pain feels sharp. Am I going to die, mage?”

“Not while I am still a healer mage. Now turn on your belly and I will get rid of that pain.”

[Odd that she we refer to the wife as Mrs., but use the first name for the husband.]

You got me there.

[I would expect that she would diagnose the condition, first, and then heal afterwards.]

If I've been there (and I have) I would want the doctors to cure the pain first and then find the cause and deal with it.

[Shakes appeared to be the major symptom originally, but they are never observed or discussed.]

Missed it.

[If the husband is in pain and gritting his teeth, I would expect his answers to be short and terse.]

Okay, I can make it shorter.

Placing her right hand on the man’s back, a light blue glow appeared. As the blue light grew in brightness, Tayanna moved her hand in circles. With each movement, the groans of agony dissipated.

“It’s miracle,” said Mrs. Barryton. “It’s a miracle. But, what caused it?”

“We will soon find out,” said Tayanna. “Lawrence, turn on your back. I’m going to do a body scan.”

“You mean you’re not going to cut me open?”

“Of course not, Lawrence, healer mages don’t cut people open. Only pagans do that. Now, be quiet while I concentrate.”

[Repeated the healer reference multiple times. Couple is already aware she is a healer. One reference at the beginning is sufficient.]

Point noted.

[I don't believe the term 'pagan' is correct. It is more likely that Tayanna would be viewed as a pagan.]

In our world yes, but this is not our world.

Tayanna took a deep breath, then her chocolate brown eyes turned baby-blue. As she concentrated, her gaze began traveling from Lawrence’s head to his neck to his chest. The lungs were clean; the heart was beating at a steady rate no obstructions in any of the valves or the aorta from there her scan moved to the spleen and liver, both were functioning properly then to his kidneys. There, Tayanna’s probe hovered and focused.

[Reference to original eye color comes very late. Perhaps include it in the opening sentence, maybe in lieu of description of hair color.]

Maybe.

[If eye color change represents use of magic, I would have expected it to occur prior to her healing the pain.]

Good point and I will work to be more consistent.

[This might be a good time to explore Tayanna's magic skills. How do these images appear to her? The description sounds like something out of a medical text that I do not believe Tayanna would have ever read.]

I picture her having something like x-ray vision. She could conceivably draw you an accurate picture of what she sees beneath the skin, but I think you're right I can be more descriptive. By the way, she also can read auras, however she only employs it for deeper medical problems.

[In diagnosis, I would expect Tayanna to alternate asking short questions and confirming each answer with a scan.]

That's a good idea.

“Lawrence,” said Tayanna, “you have kidney stones, big ones too, the size of peas.”

“How bad is that? Can, you cure that?”

“They will either inhibit your flow of pea causing burning and pain or prevent you from peeing at all. And, yes, I can cure it. Now, turn over on your left side and I will do my magic.”

Placing her hand on his right side, Tayanna’s eyes turned blue again and said, “You’re going to feel a lot of heat, but don’t move or worry, I won’t burn you.”

As Tayanna’s scrutiny intensified, she could see the kidney stones shattering into miniscule bits.

[Why was the pain eliminated at the start and the actual healing only occurred now?]

Because the pain seemed to be the more important issue.

The healing completed, Tayanna spoke. “You may feel some discomfort the next few days and you will urinate some blood, but don’t worry, it’s all natural. If you experience some pain, take two sips of this pain potion. In the meantime, drink lots of water and lay off the coffee for five days. However, if you run a fever call me.”

“Thank you, thank you healer very much. How can we ever pay you?” asked Mrs. Barryton.

“Well, a bit of silver will help.”

[As Tayanna appears to know this couple, wouldn't she already realize that they had no silver? See foreshadowing comment at the start.]

She certainly would since she is the resident heal of Emerald Valley.

“Ah, ah…. We have no silver, only copper. Would you take a take a chicken instead? Or perhaps some berries? We have lots of berries.”

Tayanna sighed, “Keep the copper coins, you need them more than I do. Do you have any sugar berries?”

“Oh yes, we have plenty of them.”

Tayanna smiled. “Then give me a quarter basket full and I’ll be on my way.”

[Asking for silver and then skipping to asking for sugar berries seems to be a leap. See comment near top about foreshadowing the existence of and Tayanna's desire for the sugar berries.]

Noted.

I feel this is a better intro for you. This allows you to introduce Tayanna and some of the healer magic system. Following sections and chapters can build on this once the reader has been introduced to this. I really think you are heading in the right direction with this.

 

[Brian G Turner]

This is better in that something is happening - but we get nothing of Tayanna's thoughts or internal motivations or conflict. It's like you're writing audio descriptions for a film, but that's not how novels really work - their unique selling point is precisely because you can get inside of the character's head. Save the Cat can help with that, and if you struggle reading physical books you could try the Kindle version?

 

[Lafayette]

This is better in that something is happening

I'm glad about that.

but we get nothing of Tayanna's thoughts or internal motivations or conflict.

Okay, I'll work on it some more.

It's like you're writing audio descriptions for a film,

Really? I didn't know that. Thanks for pointing it out.

their unique selling point is precisely because you can get inside of the character's head

Maybe that's why I prefer books over movies.

Save the Cat can help with that, and if you struggle reading physical books you could try the Kindle version?

When I get enough cash I will do that. I understand from other sources that it's a very good book.

 

[thisreidwrites]

Hi there! I can tell this is something you're really passionate about, and I'm glad you're working on refining it.

I found this deeply interesting because it seems to be set in a magical and possibly ancient world, yet this healer uses modern medical phrases. Does this mean the world has reverted to this state in the future? Is she a time-traveler? I couldn't tell!

My one suggestion is this: we see a lot of people doing and saying things, but I don't really have a sense of who anyone is. I want to suggest this article for you: Character Development: Create Characters That Readers Love It's not a long read, but it might really help out!

As a brief example, I see that Tayanna took payment in berries, but I don't know why. Was she being generous and kind? Was she secretly bitter and angry? Did she have plans for the berries that made them worth more than copper? Is she truly selfless or only working to appear that way for the sake of reputation?

I hope this helps! Keep working on this lovely world and story. I can just tell it's on the right path.

 

[Lafayette]

First off, welcome to the forum. I hope that you like it here as much as I do. And thanks for the link I will check it out and the comments.

Hi there! I can tell this is something you're really passionate about, and I'm glad you're working on refining it.

Thanks for noticing. I learn a long while ago the element that makes good writing is 'refine refine' and 'edit edit edit and edit some more.

I found this deeply interesting because it seems to be set in a magical and possibly ancient world, yet this healer uses modern medical phrases.

I use modern medical terms, because I don't know any ancients ones and if I did I doubt my readers would either.

Does this mean the world has reverted to this state in the future?

No.

Is she a time-traveler? I couldn't tell!

No.

My one suggestion is this: we see a lot of people doing and saying things, but I don't really have a sense of who anyone is.

Good point and I'm thinking about it.

I want to suggest this article for you: Character Development: Create Characters That Readers Love It's not a long read, but it might really help out!

As a brief example, I see that Tayanna took payment in berries, but I don't know why. Was she being generous and kind?

Tayanna is compassionate and despite her arrogance cares about her patients and recognizes that some of them are poor and can't afford her services and takes what they can spare in this case berries. She chose sugar berries because she is addicted to them and because they alleviate the side affects of Weldon's Woe.

Was she secretly bitter and angry? Did she have plans for the berries that made them worth more than copper? Is she truly selfless or only working to appear that way for the sake of reputation?

No to all three questions.

I hope this helps! Keep working on this lovely world and story. I can just tell it's on the right path.

Thank you. I know I have a good idea I just need to make it work.

 

[luriantimetraveler]

Hi! You've gotten a few great line edits and I agree with much of what's been said above, so I'll focus my comments on two things:

1. It might help make your writing more immediate, to take out some filler language/structures. Example below:

On the bed, the man was tossing and twisting with exhaustion. Twist and exhaustion seem in contradiction here His paling skin was lathering in pungent sweat. Tayanna also noticed he was gritting his teeth to keep from screaming.

Rewritten to be more direct: On the bed, the man tossed and twisted the sheets in his pale hands. Tayanna could smell his sweat and his exhaustion.

2. What does Tayanna want? What motivates her? Is she a healer because it's an inherited/natural gift, and she loves it? Or it's inherited and she resents it? Is she annoyed that her day is full of people needing things from her? Or is she relieved because she's trying to escape something else in her life? Obviously we won't get the full answer to this in the start of a story, but we should get some hint, because the answers to those questions noticeably change how she would interact with the woman and sick man, and how she would think about the encounter.

Good luck!