Matres' Twilight #1 First Page Revision

[SonicSouls]

Chapter One
Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats. But tonight’s sinners were just that. Collector Marina knew this, and the quest’s true purpose. But she knew that by playing along, she could unravel the conspiracy. So, she slowly rode her horse through the smitten forest of Redemptionis Leprosi.

“I know you’re watching me,” Marina said.

Her mask’s blessing gave her an androgynous voice. Its uncanniness complemented the mouthless façade of bone white plaster, and its protruding square jawline. The sinners watching her now feared this and its name, the bauta. She knew they were trembling at the rest of her uniform as well. Loose multilayered fabric gave her the appearance of an androgynous revenant.

“What’s the matter? Afraid my headdress hides a… revenant?”

She smirked. The sinners watching her were locals brainwashed by the conspirators. And like most rural folk, they believed yarns about necromancy. Didn’t matter that there didn’t exist any confirmed cases of it, they still believed it. Any contradiction to their belief instilled fear, hence why the forest’s shadows were twitching. But why hadn’t they ambushed her yet?

Maybe they were trying to unsettle her so she’d be easier to ambush. Whenever the wind wormed through the forest’s thickets, faint bells pealed. The further she rode her horse down the pilgrimage path, the louder one bell became. A stench wormed into her bauta’s nose. Though her blessed blindfold she saw its source, and nearly tumbled off.

“What the—but they… how?”

The locals hadn’t lied to her about one thing. There was a deformed corpse drooped upside-down from a tree. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. Its lacerated skin was perfectly white. She noticed the blood pooled below, and gulped.

“T-this doesn’t prove anything! There’s no… what do you call it, ‘sin-see-kwee’?”

Her tongue knotted from saying the latter. This “Synnsequi” sounded like the result of a drunken yarn in name and concept. Undead fused together inside wooden armor? Who heard of such a thing? Then again, this corpse was whipped, and they said the Synnsequi had a whip. She scoffed. The real horror in this forest was what the other pealing bells meant. A bead of sweat rolled down her head. She glanced about, but saw nothing.

She looked back at the corpse’s bell. Her face reddened. The bell signified a “leper”, a slur for someone infected with leprosy. It was meant to warn people of their presence so they could shun these purported sinners. These particular “lepers” only sin was living in a village Matre Terra chose to smite in the midst of a temper tantrum. It reminded Marina that although the matres created and co-governed humanity, only Matre Luna should’ve been ruling.

She drew her rapier. Wrapped around its grip was a cloth talisman. With it and a prayer, she could cast her miracle. She mouthed the prayer, expecting the locals to ambush any second. And yet, they didn’t.

 

[ckatt]

Hi, I enjoyed this.
I haven't commented on it before but I did read the first draft that you posted. I just wanted to say that when I got to the end I wanted to know what happens next. I didn't feel that way about the first draft. So I think the changes you've made are working well.

 

[Edoc'sil]

Hi @SonicSouls it's great to see you still working on this. Just a couple thoughts,

Collector Marina knew this, and the quest’s true purpose. But she knew that by playing along, she could unravel the conspiracy.

So this line feels kinda telly and I would like to know why she knew that, what she's playing along to and what conspiracy. It could be just me. Also in this paragraph, I'm not sure what you mean by "smitten" forest, it means to love someone so don't know how it fits really.

Her mask’s blessing gave her an androgynous voice.

I'd like to know what about it or how it was androgynous but I think that would be hard to describe.

A stench wormed into her bauta’s nose.

You used wormed twice here and I get the bauta is her mask but surely it's her nose that it's worming into.

A bead of sweat rolled down her head.

That's a weird image for me unless she's bald, neck might be more appropriate

It reminded Marina that although the matres created and co-governed humanity, only Matre Luna should’ve been ruling.

This is a bit telly, Marina could curse these matres and praise Luna to show the same thing. It could be intoduced more naturally that they are god like figures later.

I much preferred this piece, you're definitely improving. Keep it up!

 

[tinkerdan]

I enjoyed reading this.
However something stuck out and identified itself as a potential problem.

Whenever the wind wormed through the forest’s thickets, faint bells pealed.

You are halfway though this and suddenly decide to mention the bells.
They seem to be something that has been going on for some time and seem to be heralded by the wind.
You should start with the bells--so they don't just show up out of nowhere.

Something like.

The bells. Drifting in like the voice of the wind. Distant but ever present, the sound of many, compelled by the wind, that started with a faint twinkling and disappeared when the air ceased its activity. Though one, a single bell, seemed closer, clearer. Almost unsettling.

But you might do it differently.

 

[CTRandall]

The story itself is interesting but I have two issues: 1) you need to tighten up the language--there are a few spots that are confusing to read, and 2) Marina's reactions didn't convince me. To elaborate:

Language: 'the smitten forest' At first reading, it sounds like the forest is in love. I get what you mean but I had to stop and think about it a moment. Moving on, you use 'androgynous' twice in close succession. That stands out as odd. Next, the sinners feared 'this and its name'. Again, I had to pause and think to be sure you meant the mask. I think you can link the name to the mask more clearly. 'the forest's shadows were twitching' In this short excerpt, I'm not sure if there is some magical effect or if this is more of a psychological response. Within the context of the book as a whole, that might be clear to the reader and you may not need to change anything here. 'Though' through. 'drooped upside-down' It might just be me but I had a hard time picturing this. 'Drooped over a branch' might be better or 'Hanging upside-down'. 'A tiny bell dangled from its neck' If the bell is tiny, how can it be louder than the others? You might need to alter earlier descriptions of the bells to clarify they all sound small, maybe distant and scattered. 'saying the latter' It's obvious what word is meant--there isn't a 'former', so just 'saying the word' is better. 'leper', a slur for someone infected with leprosy' This is common knowledge, you don't need to explain it. 'These particular "lepers"...temper tantrum.' I had to read this sentence a couple of times to understand it. First, lepers should be lepers', with an apostrophe after the 's' to show it belongs to all of them. Second, you need 'that' before Matra Terra. At first I thought that was the name of the village--very confusing.

Marina's reactions: my issue here is how quickly she moves from smug overconfidence (mocking the sinners) to shock and fear (nearly tumbling off her horse and stammering 'Th-this doesn't prove anything.') to reflecting on the relationships between matre ('only Matre Luna should be ruling'). If Marina is someone who would be so frightened of the scene before her, I can't see her stopping to think about the matres. She would likely be desperate to perform her miracle or do whatever else to protect herself. If, on the other hand, she is tougher than that, I can't see that she would nearly lose control at the sight of the corpse.

One last thing: when you say there aren't 'any confirmed cases' of necromancy, you are telegraphing to the reader that that is precisely what we're about to see. Either Marina is already suspicious that there may be true necromancy here, hence the thought about 'confirmed' cases, or she doesn't believe in necromancy, in which case she might think 'there's no such thing'.

 

[Wayne Mack]

There is likely an interesting plot line that might develop from this, but I still feel it needs some rewrite for clarity.

I find that I am having a hard time connecting with this story. Perhaps adding more details at various points might help? I also feel that some of the existing descriptions seem inconsistent or even contradictory. I also feel that I do not connect with the main character, perhaps because the point of view keeps shifting between her and that of an independent observer?

Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats. But tonight’s sinners were just that. Collector Marina knew this, and the quest’s true purpose. But she knew that by playing along, she could unravel the conspiracy. [The first line is confusing. Who believes these are threats and who believes that they are nonexistent? Second line indicates that they are real. However, the "sinners" do not appear anywhere in the following text. Would be nice to hear more of Marina's thoughts about a mission that I guess she feels is pointless.] So, she slowly rode her horse through the smitten forest of Redemptionis Leprosi. [It is unclear what "smitten" means relative to a forest.]

“I know you’re watching me,” Marina said.
[Who is she talking to? There is no indication that there is anyone else in the forest.]

Her mask’s blessing gave her an androgynous voice. [What is a blessing in the context of a mask? Is the mask supposed to be magical?] Its uncanniness complemented the mouthless façade of bone white plaster, and its protruding square jawline. [What is uncanny about the mask?] The sinners watching her now feared this and its name, the bauta. [Why are we shifting to the sinners' perspective?] She knew they were trembling at the rest of her uniform as well. Loose multilayered fabric gave her the appearance of an androgynous revenant. [Why would loose fitting clothes give an appearance of anything? What is peculiar about the appearance of someone who has returned from the dead?]

“What’s the matter? Afraid my headdress hides a… revenant?”

She smirked. [Smirking makes Marina appear to be an arrogant character. This will tend to make her unlikable to the reader.] The sinners watching her were locals brainwashed by the conspirators. And like most rural folk, they believed yarns about necromancy. Didn’t matter that there didn’t exist any confirmed cases of it, they still believed it. Any contradiction to their belief instilled fear, hence why the forest’s shadows were twitching. But why hadn’t they ambushed her yet? [The "her" in the last sentence shifts the point of view from internal to external. Perhaps "me" would work better.]

Maybe they were trying to unsettle her so she’d be easier to ambush. Whenever the wind wormed through the forest’s thickets, faint bells pealed. [This reads like a statement of fact and does not indicate that there is wind currently blowing nor bells currently ringing.] The further she rode her horse down the pilgrimage path, the louder one bell became. A stench wormed into her bauta’s nose. Though her blessed blindfold she saw its source, and nearly tumbled off. [The introduction of a blindfold is confusing? How was she able to see? If there is a full cover mask, why would it have eye holes if her eyes need to be covered?]

“What the—but they… how?”

The locals hadn’t lied to her about one thing. [If the locals hadn't lied to her, why does she seem surprised? ] There was a deformed corpse drooped upside-down from a tree. [I cannot picture the corpse. It could lay horizontally over some branches and droop or could could be suspended upside down and stretched out.] A tiny bell dangled from its neck. Its lacerated skin was perfectly white. She noticed the blood pooled below, and gulped. [Why would she react this way if this was one of the sinners that she was to apprehend?]

“T-this doesn’t prove anything! There’s no… what do you call it, ‘sin-see-kwee’?”

Her tongue knotted from saying the latter. This “Synnsequi” sounded like the result of a drunken yarn in name and concept. [This reads like an aside comment from the author not a thought by the character.] Undead fused together inside wooden armor? [I cannot picture this. Undead indicates a plural while it seems the sinner in question was singular. If the corpse is inside wooden armor, how could she have seen lacerated skin that was perfectly white?] Who heard of such a thing? Then again, this corpse was whipped, and they said the Synnsequi had a whip. She scoffed. The real horror in this forest was what the other pealing bells meant. A bead of sweat rolled down her head. She glanced about, but saw nothing. [It is confusing why she would glance about if she was blindfolded.]

She looked back at the corpse’s bell. Her face reddened. [This implies embarrassment. Why would Marina suddenly move to embarrassment?] The bell signified a “leper”, a slur for someone infected with leprosy. It was meant to warn people of their presence so they could shun these purported sinners. These particular “lepers” only sin was living in a village Matre Terra chose to smite in the midst of a temper tantrum. [Am I to assume that Marina believes the Matre Terra was the one responsible for hanging the lepers from the trees? I thought she said it was the Synnsequi.] It reminded Marina that although the matres created and co-governed humanity, only Matre Luna should’ve been ruling.

She drew her rapier. Wrapped around its grip was a cloth talisman. With it and a prayer, she could cast her miracle. She mouthed the prayer, expecting the locals to ambush any second. [If she is creating a miracle, why would that cause the locals to attack? Wouldn't a miracle please them?] And yet, they didn’t.

I will guess that the primary intent of this section is to introduce Marina. The rest seems muddled. I suggest removing the current opening and instead start with Marina riding her horse past the locals. This would allow her to observe their reaction to her and provide an opportunity to describe her appearance. Determine if there is really a need to throw in Synnsequi, Matre Terra, and Matre Luna at this time and concentrate more on discovery of the dead bodies and Marina's reaction. As Marina appears to be the character of interest in this story, I suggest using close third person throughout and avoid the temptation to pull back back to an external narrator.

 

[SashaMcallister]

Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats. But tonight’s sinners were just that.

Perhaps this would flow a bit better:

Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats, but tonight’s sinners were just that.

 

[JS Wiig]

I think you’ve done a better job focusing on what’s happening: somebody finds a dead body in a tree and gets freaked out.

What I’m still having trouble with is the why. Why does it matter? Why should I care?

I think the fundamental issue is the prose. It seems that words and phrases are not being used correctly. Smitten is the example already given.

Also sinners. I’m finding this description to be so generic as to be meaningless. In the religious context I’m familiar with, literally everybody is a sinner, hence the concept of salvation. I’d like to see this a bit more specific in this story.

My suggestion would be to start out with simple sentences that say exactly what they mean:

Subject verb object

Use words that mean exactly what the sentence is meant to convey. It can always be prettied up later.

I’d rather read a compelling story using simple sentences and words, than something incomprehensible.

You definitely seem to be traveling down the right track with your rewrites so keep it up!

 

[OHB]

Chapter One
Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats. But tonight’s sinners were just that. Collector Marina knew this, and the quest’s true purpose. (So what's the true purpose? If you're not ready to reveal it, don't mention that there's an ulterior motive at all. Otherwise, it feels like you're holding back on the reader when we're in Marina's head and should know what she knows.) But she knew that by playing along, she could unravel the conspiracy. So, she slowly rode her horse through the smitten forest of Redemptionis Leprosi.

“I know you’re watching me,” Marina said. (I thought she was talking to her bosses through a wire/bug until I read the next paragraph.)

Her mask’s (I wasn't aware she was wearing a mask.) blessing gave her an androgynous voice. Its uncanniness (What's uncanny about it?) complemented the mouthless façade of bone white plaster, and its protruding square jawline. The sinners watching her now feared (I don't know whether to read this as "they are watching her now" or "they now fear this.") this (Are they fearing the mask itself or its uncanniness? It's still unclear what's uncanny about it.) and its name, the bauta. She knew they were trembling at the rest of her uniform as well. Loose multilayered fabric gave her the appearance of an androgynous revenant.

“What’s the matter? Afraid my headdress (Is it a mask or a headdress?) hides a… (Ellipses used for dramatic pauses often feel hokey to me. Others may feel differently.) revenant?”

She smirked. The sinners watching her were locals brainwashed by the conspirators. And like most rural folk, they believed yarns about necromancy. Didn’t matter that there didn’t exist any confirmed cases of it, they still believed it. Any contradiction to their belief instilled fear, hence why the forest’s shadows were twitching. (Unclear. Are you saying there are people hiding from her in the shadows?) But why hadn’t they ambushed her yet?

Maybe they were trying to unsettle her so she’d be easier to ambush. (At this point, I have to ask, is she able to see any of the "sinners"? When it said they were watching her, I envisioned people along the road watching her as she rode past. Now it seems like she's just assuming there are people watching her.) Whenever the wind wormed through the forest’s thickets, faint bells pealed. The further she rode her horse down the pilgrimage path, the louder one bell became. A stench wormed (Avoid repeating the same imagery you just used.) into her bauta’s nose. Though her blessed blindfold she saw its source, and nearly tumbled off (the horse?).

“What the—but they… how?”

The locals hadn’t lied to her about one thing. There was a deformed corpse drooped upside-down from a tree. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. Its lacerated skin was perfectly white. She noticed the blood pooled below, and gulped.

“T-this doesn’t prove anything! There’s no… what do you call it, ‘sin-see-kwee’?”

Her tongue knotted from saying the latter. (I'm not a grammar expert, but I don't think you're using the word "latter" correctly here. I could be wrong. It just leaves me wondering "The latter of what?") This “Synnsequi” sounded like the result of a drunken yarn in name and concept. Undead fused together inside wooden armor? (I'm not sure what you mean by "fused together." Is it multiple corpses combined into one like Frankenstein's monster?) Who heard of such a thing? Then again, this corpse was whipped, and they said the Synnsequi had a whip. She scoffed. The real horror in this forest was what the other pealing bells meant. A bead of sweat rolled down her head. She glanced about, but saw nothing.

She looked back at the corpse’s bell. Her face reddened. The bell signified a “leper”, a slur for someone infected with leprosy. It was meant to warn people of their presence so they could shun these purported sinners. (Finally, an explanation of what a "sinner" is, but I feel it comes too late. I've been thinking they were people of a minority religion that was discriminated against. Full disclosure here, my great-grandfather was imprisoned in a leper colony and died there from the illness, so I would never make the assumption that "sinners" refered to lepers even though the place in this story is named Redemptionis Leprosi.) These particular “lepers” only sin was living in a village Matre Terra chose to smite in the midst of a temper tantrum. It reminded Marina that although the matres created and co-governed humanity, only Matre Luna should’ve been ruling ruled.

She drew her rapier. Wrapped around its grip was a cloth talisman. With it and a prayer, she could cast her miracle. She mouthed the prayer, expecting the locals to ambush any second. And yet, they didn’t.

In-line comments in the quote above. This seems like an interesting story, but I have little idea of what's going on. I think you need to focus on providing more description, especially visuals. I don't know what Marina's surroundings look like, if anyone's there with her, if she's in a town or the countryside or still in the woods when she finds the corpse. I'm not sure why she's there either. Is she "collecting" the lepers or the Synnsequi? It's not clear what a Synnsequi is or what it looks like. How large is it? How are corpses fused together to create it? I wasn't sure what the "sinners" were until the second-to-last paragraph. All of these issues can be fixed by fleshing this scene out more with description. I'd recommend finding a book you like and reading the first chapter to see how the author handles imagery and hints of backstory/worldbuilding.

 

[StrayApostateFromIronAbby]

I am new to this so sorry if I cant help much.
It starts really well with

Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats. But tonight’s sinners were just that.

as this all ready creates an air of mystery that drew me in.
There was the bit

“T-this doesn’t prove anything! There’s no… what do you call it, ‘sin-see-kwee’?”

This confused as I did not know what sin-see-kwee? is or is meant to be. Later it shows it to be the name of some one I think? But the first bit made me think it should be some marking of some sort?
It also ended well with expectations of an ambush, that then left me wanting to read more.
I hope this helped.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

I have not seen the previous version. This one is not bad, but I have the sense that you are trying to cram too much into the opening paragraphs. There is an impression that you are striving for effect, rather than for the prose to be clear and the story make obvious sense.
Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats. But tonight’s sinners were just that. Collector Marina knew this, and the quest’s true purpose. But she knew that by playing along, she could unravel the conspiracy. This last sentence is 'telling' something better revealed in the story. So, she slowly rode her horse through the smitten forest of Redemptionis Leprosi. Smitten?? Why not describe the forest a bit?

“I know you’re watching me,” Marina said.

Her mask’s blessing gave her an androgynous voice. Its uncanniness complemented the mouthless façade of bone white plaster, and its protruding square jawline. The sinners watching her now feared this and its name, the bauta. You have not described the scene with who is watching. How do we know what the sinners are thinking? She knew they were trembling at the rest of her uniform as well. Loose multilayered fabric gave her the appearance of an androgynous revenant.

“What’s the matter? Afraid my headdress hides a… revenant?”

She smirked. The sinners watching her were locals brainwashed by the conspirators. The last sentence looks like too much information too soon. And like most rural folk, they believed yarns about necromancy. Didn’t matter that there didn’t exist any confirmed cases of it, they still believed it. Any contradiction to their belief instilled fear, hence why the forest’s shadows were twitching. Why would a contradiction to established belief instil fear? And what do you mean by the shadows twitching? But why hadn’t they ambushed her yet? Because she can see them? And why would they ambush her?

Maybe they were trying to unsettle her so she’d be easier to ambush. Whenever the wind wormed through the forest’s thickets, faint bells pealed. The further she rode her horse down the pilgrimage path, the louder one bell became. A stench wormed into her bauta’s nose. Though her blessed blindfold she saw its source, and nearly tumbled off.

“What the—but they… how?” Given this build-up, why is she so surprised at finding a corpse hanging from a tree?

The locals hadn’t lied to her about one thing. There was a deformed corpse drooped upside-down from a tree. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. Its lacerated skin was perfectly white. She noticed the blood pooled below, and gulped.

“T-this doesn’t prove anything! There’s no… what do you call it, ‘sin-see-kwee’?”

Her tongue knotted from saying the latter. This “Synnsequi” sounded like the result of a drunken yarn in name and concept. Undead fused together inside wooden armor? Who heard of such a thing? Then again, this corpse was whipped, and they said the Synnsequi had a whip. Lots of people in medieval society have whips. She scoffed. The real horror in this forest was what the other pealing bells meant. A bead of sweat rolled down her head. She glanced about, but saw nothing.

She looked back at the corpse’s bell. Her face reddened. The bell signified a “leper”, a slur for someone infected with leprosy. It was meant to warn people of their presence so they could shun these purported sinners. These particular “lepers” only sin was living in a village Matre Terra chose to smite in the midst of a temper tantrum. It reminded Marina that although the matres created and co-governed humanity, only Matre Luna should’ve been ruling. Do we need to know about Matre Terra, Matre Luna etc at this point?

She drew her rapier. Wrapped around its grip was a cloth talisman. With it and a prayer, she could cast her miracle. She mouthed the prayer, expecting the locals to ambush any second. And yet, they didn’t. You have not described the immediate scene. Is there any cover anyone could ambush her from? And why would they?

 

[thisreidwrites]

Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats. But tonight’s sinners were just that. Collector Marina knew this, and the quest’s true purpose. But she knew that by playing along, she could unravel the conspiracy. So, she slowly rode her horse through the smitten forest of Redemptionis Leprosi.

This is ALMOST there! It needs a bit of smoothing out. The sinners were not nonexistent threats; she's literally being watched by them and speaks out loud to them. Also, I'd suggest removing "unravel the conspiracy" because we already have a LOT to take in here, and it doesn't seem to play into the rest of the passage. Try this:

Normally, a collector wasn’t tasked with apprehending nonexistent threats, though tonight’s mission dealt with just that. Collector Marina knew her true purpose - and she also knew that by playing along, she could get the sinners who called for this mission to give her what she needed. So, she slowly rode her horse through the smitten forest of Redemptionis Leprosi.

It doesn't need to be THAT, of course, but it makes things a pinch clearer.

World-building question: are revenants always androgynous? Why?

“What the—but they… how?” - It's not clear SHE said that, rather than someone else when she arrived at the scene.

The locals hadn’t lied to her about one thing. There was a deformed corpse drooped upside-down from a tree. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. Its lacerated skin was perfectly white. She noticed the blood pooled below, and gulped.

“T-this doesn’t prove anything! There’s no… what do you call it, ‘sin-see-kwee’?” We don't know enough to understand why this is unnerving her so much. Anybody could have messed up a corpse and hung it from a tree. However, then you say something about fusing together inside wooden armor, which is fascinating and creepy. We need that visual BEFORE her response, and maybe a thought as to why this cannot be.

Undead fused together inside wooden armor? Who heard of such a thing? Then again, this corpse was whipped, and they said the Synnsequi had a whip. -
We don't have enough information to understand this. See, contextually, she just pretty much said the nasty meat-knot in wooden armor WAS a Synnsequi. If you explain more in the paragraph before she reacts, we'll follow better.

The real horror in this forest was what the other pealing bells meant. A bead of sweat rolled down her head. She glanced about, but saw nothing.

She looked back at the corpse’s bell. Her face reddened. The bell signified a “leper”, a slur for someone infected with leprosy.
This order seems a little strange. She would have heard the bells long before - that's a sound that carries. Also, maybe don't mention the bell before unless you're going to say it's for leprosy.

It was meant to warn people of their presence so they could shun these purported sinners. These particular “lepers” only sin was living in a village Matre Terra chose to smite in the midst of a temper tantrum. It reminded Marina that although the matres created and co-governed humanity, only Matre Luna should’ve been ruling.

Okay, THIS right here is excellent. This is the first really solid bit of world-building you've given me, AND it serves to add more to her personality because of her opinions. Good stuff.

I can't wait to find out what this miracle is! You've got something really interesting going here, AND you have a really interesting main character; this is someone who clearly has room to grow, which means you can incorporate a satisfying character arc.

I definitely like it. Keep writing!