Edoc'sil
One day I'll find the words.
Hey chronners, I've been trying to work on my omnipresent narrator over the last few days. This is the opening for a story I started writing and I would like to know:
Does the narrator work?
Is the protagonist too silent?
What is the (little though it is) dialogue between characters like? Does it seem real or forced or cliche?
Again what I'm mostly interested in is if you like or don't like it though. So, here is:
The White Rabbit
“Order! ORDER!” BangBangBang! The gavel attacked the block with such ferocity that it stunned the crowd into silence. “Let me get this straight. You, the accused, stand before us today with the audacity to say that what transpired was not your fault, at all?”
Standing in front of the judge, his hands raised in supplication, the clinking of chains accompanying every beseeching word, was a man utterly defeated. Dressed in the standard prisoner’s outfit of black and white horizontal stripes, he knew that his story was hard, difficult, maybe even impossible to believe but still, the prisoner pleaded.
“That’s right yur honour, I didn’t do nuffin’! It was that bloody rabbit!” The supposed criminal looked up at the judge from his place in the box with a look of pure despair, eyes brimming with tears.
Shaking his head hard enough to make his jowls quiver the judge retorted “I find that extremely difficult to believe. We don’t live in some fantasy novel!” After this outburst the judge sighed, resting his oversized chin in his palm. Rolling his eyes the judge then thought that he had become tired with this man’s clearly drink-addled brain. “I think I’ve heard all I need to make a deliberation on this ludicrous case. Take him away.” And with that the judge waved a podgy hand at the bailiffs, who grabbed the protesting criminal under the arms.
“No! Wait! Yur WRONG!” Cried the man, his voice straining to hysteria as his boots squeaked along the parquetted lino flooring. His shouts ignored by the two burly bailiffs dragging him to his fate.
Just outside the window of the courtroom; a tiny pink whiskered nose was twitching, behind this cute little nose were two beady black eyes, behind these eyes were two long white furry ears, they were pricked up listening to the shouts of the condemned man.
After the yells of the objecting convict had been lessened by the slam of his cell door. The fluffy white bunny dropped forwards from its hind legs, and began hopping its way across the grass surrounding the courthouse. Reaching the road, it gave a quick look either way, and jumped down the curb. Quickly scurrying across to the awaiting bushes. It kicked dust into the air trying to squeeze through a small hole in the brambles. Finally managing it he shot through the hole into the twilight under the bushes, the rabbit found himself at a brick wall. It followed this wall it until it came to the edge of a wide gravel driveway.
Peaking that pink nose out from under the bush, it swivelled its head left, then right. Satisfied, the rabbit dashed down the driveway towards the house. The house was one of those modern mock Tudor houses, whose heritage was only given away by the lack of any kind of dirt, and the solar panels on the roof. The rabbit ran down the side of the house and jumped through the bars of the ornate metal fencing, hurrying through to the garden.
“Hoppy! Hoppy where are youuu!?” Came a little girl’s sing-songy voice from the garden. sh*t. Thought the cute little bunny. “Muuuuum, I think hoppy got out of his cage again! Hoppyyy!” Came the voice, a little more desperate this time. The white rabbit froze when he rounded the corner and saw the little girl.
She was still of the age to carry around her puppy fat and was wearing a white dress with pink and yellow embroidered flowers. Her shoulder length blonde hair tied by two pink scrunchies, into pigtails at the sides of her head.
“There you are Hoppy! Bad bunny!” Chastised the girl, scooping the struggling white bundle into her arms. She gave him a light squeeze and kissed his soft fur, burying her face into it. When the rabbit had calmed, she walked over to his hutch up against the wall of the house and placed him gently inside, flicking the catch back into place.
“I have no idea how you keep getting out little Hoppy woppy.” She said, hands on her hips. The small rabbit peered out at her from behind the metal grille, almost reproachfully, although it’s often hard to tell with animals.
“Celia, your dinner’s ready!” Shouted the girl’s mother from inside the house,
“Okay Mum!” Called the girl, turning back to the cage she imitated her mother and wagged a finger at the rabbit, who was now munching on some leftover carrot. Then she said, “Don’t you try and escape Hoppy, you hear me?”
The rabbit continued to ignore the girl, although this didn’t faze her in the slightest and she ran off, inside the house. The sun was beginning to wane, inside the rapidly darkening cage the white rabbit sat, and plotted.
The next day, the morning’s fog only just beginning to lift, the little girl skipped outside with some floppy lettuce, grasped in her small chubby hand. The door to the hutch was wide open, small gusts of wind causing it to swing back and forth with a painful creaking noise.
“Hoppy! HOPPY!” The little girl cried out, but no white bundle hopped out onto the lawn. A window upstairs was thrown open and a familiar portly man thrust his head out of it.
“Celia, please would you keep it down!” Yelled the man, the irony lost on him that he was much louder than the little girl.
“Daddy! Hoppy’s escaped again!” She blubbered, snot beginning to sprint from one nostril.
“I don’t have time for this, I have to be in court in an hour and I haven’t even had a chance to have breakfast!” The judge then slammed the window closed, causing the panes to rattle in their frame.
From under one of the bushes in the garden a small white head and two unblinking eyes stared out at this scene. Within several hops the cute little bunny was back at the gravel driveway leading to the road. After stopping to scratch a particularly bothersome itch, the rabbit jumped out of the entrance way to the driveway and began the journey to his next great heist, breaking into the court to have a little chat with his "friend".
Does the narrator work?
Is the protagonist too silent?
What is the (little though it is) dialogue between characters like? Does it seem real or forced or cliche?
Again what I'm mostly interested in is if you like or don't like it though. So, here is:
The White Rabbit
“Order! ORDER!” BangBangBang! The gavel attacked the block with such ferocity that it stunned the crowd into silence. “Let me get this straight. You, the accused, stand before us today with the audacity to say that what transpired was not your fault, at all?”
Standing in front of the judge, his hands raised in supplication, the clinking of chains accompanying every beseeching word, was a man utterly defeated. Dressed in the standard prisoner’s outfit of black and white horizontal stripes, he knew that his story was hard, difficult, maybe even impossible to believe but still, the prisoner pleaded.
“That’s right yur honour, I didn’t do nuffin’! It was that bloody rabbit!” The supposed criminal looked up at the judge from his place in the box with a look of pure despair, eyes brimming with tears.
Shaking his head hard enough to make his jowls quiver the judge retorted “I find that extremely difficult to believe. We don’t live in some fantasy novel!” After this outburst the judge sighed, resting his oversized chin in his palm. Rolling his eyes the judge then thought that he had become tired with this man’s clearly drink-addled brain. “I think I’ve heard all I need to make a deliberation on this ludicrous case. Take him away.” And with that the judge waved a podgy hand at the bailiffs, who grabbed the protesting criminal under the arms.
“No! Wait! Yur WRONG!” Cried the man, his voice straining to hysteria as his boots squeaked along the parquetted lino flooring. His shouts ignored by the two burly bailiffs dragging him to his fate.
Just outside the window of the courtroom; a tiny pink whiskered nose was twitching, behind this cute little nose were two beady black eyes, behind these eyes were two long white furry ears, they were pricked up listening to the shouts of the condemned man.
After the yells of the objecting convict had been lessened by the slam of his cell door. The fluffy white bunny dropped forwards from its hind legs, and began hopping its way across the grass surrounding the courthouse. Reaching the road, it gave a quick look either way, and jumped down the curb. Quickly scurrying across to the awaiting bushes. It kicked dust into the air trying to squeeze through a small hole in the brambles. Finally managing it he shot through the hole into the twilight under the bushes, the rabbit found himself at a brick wall. It followed this wall it until it came to the edge of a wide gravel driveway.
Peaking that pink nose out from under the bush, it swivelled its head left, then right. Satisfied, the rabbit dashed down the driveway towards the house. The house was one of those modern mock Tudor houses, whose heritage was only given away by the lack of any kind of dirt, and the solar panels on the roof. The rabbit ran down the side of the house and jumped through the bars of the ornate metal fencing, hurrying through to the garden.
“Hoppy! Hoppy where are youuu!?” Came a little girl’s sing-songy voice from the garden. sh*t. Thought the cute little bunny. “Muuuuum, I think hoppy got out of his cage again! Hoppyyy!” Came the voice, a little more desperate this time. The white rabbit froze when he rounded the corner and saw the little girl.
She was still of the age to carry around her puppy fat and was wearing a white dress with pink and yellow embroidered flowers. Her shoulder length blonde hair tied by two pink scrunchies, into pigtails at the sides of her head.
“There you are Hoppy! Bad bunny!” Chastised the girl, scooping the struggling white bundle into her arms. She gave him a light squeeze and kissed his soft fur, burying her face into it. When the rabbit had calmed, she walked over to his hutch up against the wall of the house and placed him gently inside, flicking the catch back into place.
“I have no idea how you keep getting out little Hoppy woppy.” She said, hands on her hips. The small rabbit peered out at her from behind the metal grille, almost reproachfully, although it’s often hard to tell with animals.
“Celia, your dinner’s ready!” Shouted the girl’s mother from inside the house,
“Okay Mum!” Called the girl, turning back to the cage she imitated her mother and wagged a finger at the rabbit, who was now munching on some leftover carrot. Then she said, “Don’t you try and escape Hoppy, you hear me?”
The rabbit continued to ignore the girl, although this didn’t faze her in the slightest and she ran off, inside the house. The sun was beginning to wane, inside the rapidly darkening cage the white rabbit sat, and plotted.
The next day, the morning’s fog only just beginning to lift, the little girl skipped outside with some floppy lettuce, grasped in her small chubby hand. The door to the hutch was wide open, small gusts of wind causing it to swing back and forth with a painful creaking noise.
“Hoppy! HOPPY!” The little girl cried out, but no white bundle hopped out onto the lawn. A window upstairs was thrown open and a familiar portly man thrust his head out of it.
“Celia, please would you keep it down!” Yelled the man, the irony lost on him that he was much louder than the little girl.
“Daddy! Hoppy’s escaped again!” She blubbered, snot beginning to sprint from one nostril.
“I don’t have time for this, I have to be in court in an hour and I haven’t even had a chance to have breakfast!” The judge then slammed the window closed, causing the panes to rattle in their frame.
From under one of the bushes in the garden a small white head and two unblinking eyes stared out at this scene. Within several hops the cute little bunny was back at the gravel driveway leading to the road. After stopping to scratch a particularly bothersome itch, the rabbit jumped out of the entrance way to the driveway and began the journey to his next great heist, breaking into the court to have a little chat with his "friend".
