LONDON BENEATH HAIR – OFFICIAL
Government to launch enquiry, will report next year
From our Home Affairs correspondent. As our capital city writhes under the great mat of hair that grew overnight, scientists, government officials, engineers and hairdressers have been assessing the situation. So far, nothing is clear. The hair grows from everything, be it stone, wood or earth. Very few can leave their homes, and those that do are in peril. This organ already has fifteen reports of smotherings, suffocations and other losses, as the courageous men of London Town try to keep their city moving. But travel, it seems, will be upon the river and through the air for the foreseeable future. All residents are asked to remain indoors. Do not set fire to the hair! It grows back most speedily. If you cut it you may for a while make safe passage, but by the time you return the hair will be back. And
never shave it, for all that you will do is make the hair regrow thicker and stronger!