Government to launch enquiry, will report next year
From our Home Affairs correspondent. As our capital city writhes under the great mat of hair that grew overnight, scientists, government officials, engineers and hairdressers have been assessing the situation. So far, nothing is clear. The hair grows from everything, be it stone, wood or earth. Very few can leave their homes, and those that do are in peril. This organ already has fifteen reports of smotherings, suffocations and other losses, as the courageous men of London Town try to keep their city moving. But travel, it seems, will be upon the river and through the air for the foreseeable future. All residents are asked to remain indoors. Do not set fire to the hair! It grows back most speedily. If you cut it you may for a while make safe passage, but by the time you return the hair will be back. And never shave it, for all that you will do is make the hair regrow thicker and stronger!
From our Russian corespondent. The parasitic upper classes of London Town yesterday night spread a great ha iry blanket across us all, destroying the mobility of the working classes in a fowl m ove that Engels hiself could have predicted in The Conditio n Of The Working Classes In England. Tody every street in London town, every alley and passage is choked with hair that the aristocracyy can avoid becuase they have Archimedean floating systems, which only they can aford. Fight the reactionaries! Brothers and sisters untie! Many people who must through the c onditions of their lives go to work every day canot today go to work today. The govern ment is to launch an enquiry, but who will write it, and to who will they report? The landed gentry who rule us from Downing Street of course. The London aristocracy habve spread a hairy lie.