Book Summary : 3 Options

[Wayne Mack]

On a distant world, in a not-too-distant future, Alyn Frederick Jr. arrives home from college and is shocked by his father’s murder. Alyn hasn’t a clue as to who killed him or why, but even more puzzling, finds himself as the main suspect.

A forlorn detective, employing a unique crime solving method and a newly developed A.I., searches for him, and teams up with an idealistic journalist who wishes to make her mark on the world. Together, they uncover a grand conspiracy, orchestrated by a powerful politician, who aims to radically transform society, but must trigger an interplanetary civil war to do it.

Alyn must discover a dark truth about his family’s legacy if he is to clear his name and prevent the genocide. And the key to it all, is his grandfather’s wristwatch.

I feel that there are two many details being thrown into the blurb, which gives me a confused feel about the story. Jettison some (most?) of the details -- the reader will get those when reading the story. Some of the key points that I would like to see in a blurb:

Genre: Is it a murder mystery in a sci fi setting. Or is it a political thriller?

Environment: For a distant world, why not name the planet(s) involved? Not-too-distant future is directly contradicted by having travel to other planets, so should probably be omitted. It also sound quite trite.

Main Character/POV: Is Alyn the main character or is it the detective or the journalist? Or is it a parallel story told in alternating perspectives? If the additional characters deserve this much blurb space, then they should also be named.

Hook: I prefer to start with the hook and not hope the reader gets to the end before reading it. Perhaps start with "The key to it all would be his grandfather's wristwatch." For me, this provides interest to get me to plough through the rest of the text.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Me - Picky sod.

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I'm no authourity on these matters do these are just my opinions

Hello Chroners!

I wish to update my Amazon summary for my novel The 13th Vote. Wondered if you might help me choose and polish a summary? I've three options below. Please let me know which one you like best, and why. Also, would be extremely grateful if you could suggest improvements to your choice. thank you! Bren G


Option #1

***

Fifty-Six years (Does it matter how long?) after leaving earth, humanity is at a crossroads. When a glum (Glum tones things down which my be true, but it'll put a section of potential buyers off IMO ) detective and an idealistic journalist team up to solve a murder, they discover a young man at its center, whose family holds the secret that can expose a brutal the truth about the colony’s founding and stop a brutal civil war. (brutal twice and may give too much away - How would they know it'll be brutal)

Not keen on this one

Option #2

***

Fifty-Six years after escaping earth, humanity is at a crossroads, and its fate is in the hands of a typical college student.

Alyn Frederick Jr. has fallen on hard times, he has just one friend, and worst of all, he cannot find the courage to ask his crush out on a date. When his deadbeat dad is murdered, Alyn is dragged into a grand conspiracy of the highest order. At its heart is a dark family secret that a powerful politician would plunge the colony into civil war to protect.

Alyn takes an interplanetary journey, aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate (cynical maybe) gumshoe, and a rapidly developing AI, in search of answers. However, the truth won’t come from the shadows easy. Alyn must find the courage to find it if he is to save humanity and the world.

This didn't work at all for me. Plus now we have a team of four not two which is OK, but which is it. Where does the friend come in and is s/he relavent or part of the team.

Option #3

***

By 2034, a global war has killed billions, and the earth’s last remnants have settled off-world. Over fifty years later, humanity is plagued by strife yet again, as the colony’s government fights an evil insurgent faction (Is it an insurgence or a faction. To me faction tends to suggest from within). But not all is what it seems when Alyn Frederick Jr. is shocked by the murder of his father, and is joined by a desolate detective and an idealistic journalist to solve the case. They discover a grand conspiracy that threatens the planet and puts Alyn on an interplanetary journey to learn a dark family secret. If he can expose the truth, he might stop a brutal civil war.

Possibly the best option, but it's a little long.

Re Jr. I doubt/hope this will not be his name throughout the story so there's no need for the it. After all dad's dead and he's moved away from everyone that would know him so why not keep it simple.

Confusing dates and fifty years.

Hope I helped

Tein.

 

[autoretscriptor]

I definitely prefer #2.

#1 -- too short, not enough to suck me into your novel. Also, you used the same word ("brutal") twice in one sentence. A definite no-no.
#3 -- too global or abstract to suck me in.

#2 -- Grabbed me right off. "... a typical college student." Right there I can visualize the protagonist and start empathizing with him.

Change this -- "that a powerful politician would plunge the colony into civil war to protect"
to this
"that a powerful politician will plunge the colony into civil war to protect."

will is more active and immediate. With will you know that bad guy politician is going to crush poor Alyn, who, after all, is just a typical college student.

IMHO, #2 is powerful and needs few, if any, changes. Its personal element strongly engages the reader.

 

[Guanazee]

I like your most recent rewrite, but take out the "not so distant future." We can intuit that from context clues of AI and college, etc.

I was a little unclear if the forlorn detective is Alyn or a different character. If it's a different character, does the POV ever switch to him/her? If so, name the character.

I understand what genre it is from the blurb but I don't get a sense of how much violence or gore there is. Is this book gritty? Or is it along the lines of a cozy mystery? You might be able to answer that in a bio line or tag instead of the blurb ie: Author Name's cozy mystery is...

 

[StrayApostateFromIronAbby]

In my amateur opinion

• 1) Was a bit short and there was not much to it, although a ‘brutal truth’ sounds ominous, which I think is good.
• 2) There are lots of interesting bits here that the other two do not say. Also, this might just be me, but I think it is a bit sappy with the focus on his crush that he is too shy to approach and his dead dad. This might appeal to females.
• 3)I like this one best as it gives the idea of a galactic future. This coming from the ‘by 2034’ rather than ‘Fifty-Six years after’. The use of ‘killed billions’, ‘earth’s last remnants’ and ‘grand’ make it seem -for lack of a better word- epic.

 

[thisreidwrites]

Option #1

***

Fifty-Six years after leaving earth, humanity is at a crossroads. When a glum detective and an idealistic journalist team up to solve a murder, they discover a young man at its center, whose family holds the secret that can expose a brutal truth about the colony’s founding and stop a brutal civil war.

This has a lot of potential! My suggestion here is this: saying we're at a crossroads doesn't tell me much. Consider saying something like, humanity is on the brink of a brutal civil war. Then your protagonists immediately face stakes higher than just their murder mystery.

Option #2

***

Fifty-Six years after escaping earth, humanity is at a crossroads, and its fate is in the hands of a typical college student.

Alyn Frederick Jr. has fallen on hard times, he has just one friend, and worst of all, he cannot find the courage to ask his crush out on a date. When his deadbeat dad is murdered, Alyn is dragged into a grand conspiracy of the highest order. At its heart is a dark family secret that a powerful politician would plunge the colony into civil war to protect.

Alyn takes an interplanetary journey, aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing AI, in search of answers. However, the truth won’t come from the shadows easy. Alyn must find the courage to find it if he is to save humanity and the world.

This doesn't quite work for me; I'm not sure where its heart is, if that makes sense. Do I need to know or care about his crush, his one friend, and his hard times? Those things aren't the core of this, if I'm judging things right, which means you're putting the subplots in as the book description.

Option #3

***

By 2034, a global war has killed billions, and the earth’s last remnants have settled off-world. Over fifty years later, humanity is plagued by strife yet again, as the colony’s government fights an evil insurgent faction. But not all is what it seems when Alyn Frederick Jr. is shocked by the murder of his father, and is joined by a desolate detective and an idealistic journalist to solve the case. They discover a grand conspiracy that threatens the planet and puts Alyn on an interplanetary journey to learn a dark family secret. If he can expose the truth, he might stop a brutal civil war.

Okay, I think this one is the closest. The first still worked pretty well, in my book (pun intended), but try this, perhaps:

By 2084, global war has killed billions, and the earth’s last remnants have settled off-world. College Alyn is a loner who pays little attention to the government or insurgent violence, but when his father is murdered, Alyn falls in with a desolate (desperate?) detective and an idealistic journalist to try to solve the case. Instead, they stumble into a grand conspiracy that draws Alyn toward a dark family secret and the world toward civil war. If he can expose the truth, he might save billions of lives. If he fails, the first life lost will be his own.

I am totally spitballing here, but hopefully that will help you! And if my guess about how this works is wrong, then maybe it'll help you see where the summary needs to be strengthened to be clearer to someone who hasn't read the book.

Good luck! Keep writing.

 

[Bren G]

This has a lot of potential! My suggestion here is this: saying we're at a crossroads doesn't tell me much. Consider saying something like, humanity is on the brink of a brutal civil war. Then your protagonists immediately face stakes higher than just their murder mystery.



This doesn't quite work for me; I'm not sure where its heart is, if that makes sense. Do I need to know or care about his crush, his one friend, and his hard times? Those things aren't the core of this, if I'm judging things right, which means you're putting the subplots in as the book description.



Okay, I think this one is the closest. The first still worked pretty well, in my book (pun intended), but try this, perhaps:

By 2084, global war has killed billions, and the earth’s last remnants have settled off-world. College Alyn is a loner who pays little attention to the government or insurgent violence, but when his father is murdered, Alyn falls in with a desolate (desperate?) detective and an idealistic journalist to try to solve the case. Instead, they stumble into a grand conspiracy that draws Alyn toward a dark family secret and the world toward civil war. If he can expose the truth, he might save billions of lives. If he fails, the first life lost will be his own.

I am totally spitballing here, but hopefully that will help you! And if my guess about how this works is wrong, then maybe it'll help you see where the summary needs to be strengthened to be clearer to someone who hasn't read the book.

Good luck! Keep writing.

Those are some great ideas @thisreidwrites! Welcome to the forum and thanks for your feedback!