Short scene depicting a knight angrily traversing through a swamp

Fogged_Creation

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Hey!... So I have been practising a bit on my own, taking a few already done stories as inspiration and reference to make this saga, and after repeating certain events over and over, I think I'm getting a better hang at this writing deal.
Feel free to criticize me on this small little chapter! The only thing I think I notice myself being bad at is the pacing, though I'm not sure. How slow or quick should I pace certain moments/situations? And is it okay to repeat details that have been already said? And if there are other mistakes which I'm sure there are then feel free to add some on top of that too!
Anyways, thank you! :D

-

There the knight's journey was lead to tread the swamps of Tama, his iron grip clutching the end of a woolly sack, hung at his back as his shoulder carries the weight of a supposedly dying egg which is contained within.

"Psh, when they gave me this egg, I was told to go all this way to someone who knows more on this particular subject, only for me to find the person, who was actually just some stupid botanist detective and all he does is pour some shitty protection wax on it and then telling me that I actually have to bring this to an animal handling professional! And best of all... The nearest one is just damn miles away! So here I am treading mud on my shiny boots just so that I can find this "professional" and apparently he can take care of this damn baby unlike me! Why am I so incapable of handling the task of keeping it alive anyway? Ridiculous this responsibility thing is I tell you!..." The knight continued to complain in heated frustration, all while keeping a hurried pace.
The moist air is lukewarm yet icky and uncomfortable, a surrounding of trees with sunken roots, forever feeding the growth of bark and fiber, leaves like vines expel creepily from branches, the ground is completely submerged in a pool of stale water and with it, the sight of an armored man, clutching at what seems to be a bag containing the baby dragon egg (Is it alright if I repeat this detail?) the choir of eager croaks covering up most of the knight's continued complaints. As his every step comes with hefty splashes, letting out his anger through his trot.

"Rrrreal riled up arrren't you?" The spiders voice echoed inside the knight's helmet, making him jump a bit in surprise, forgetting that she's still hiding in his helm
"Yes." the knight sighed, followed by a tired grunt
"Then let me tell you a story. The story of a man named Jarn, one who was the greatson of Barl."
"Jarn... You mean one of the three sons who went on an adventure around the world? Didn't you already tell me of Orm, the perspective of the first brother who had that same adventure together?" the knight asked, still interested in what the spider has to say
"Ahhh, so you were listening!..." the spider remarked, proud of the stubborn knight, being used to him often not listening to studies or history lessons, so she began to elaborate about the summary
"Yes indeed. Yet more interrresting is his perspective, as he considers himself the first brrrother too; a mindset that Orm also thought of himself as, implying the level of imporrrtance they saw in themselves. And in this story, albeit the same paths are taken, it still feels as if its an entirrrely different adventure when you see this one's point of view~!" the spider beamed, the sounds of passionate skitters helps ease the knight's nerve as he began to carefully listen to her expressive storytelling, effectively changing the conversation and calming his lengthy rage

-
 

Fogged_Creation

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I'd like to add to my question: Were the details easily understood? Any confusions? Did it feel interesting at all?
Its hard to critique myself since I'm the one who wrote this, and I feel proud of my progress nonetheless, I'd just like to know if there were little things I could improve on, or if there was something I should start doing to get better and what not :).
 

jd73

"Everything's just clouds and flowers!"
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Hi,

I've put my comments in-line:

Hey!... So I have been practising a bit on my own, taking a few already done stories as inspiration and reference to make this saga, and after repeating certain events over and over, I think I'm getting a better hang at this writing deal.
Feel free to criticize me on this small little chapter! The only thing I think I notice myself being bad at is the pacing, though I'm not sure. How slow or quick should I pace certain moments/situations? And is it okay to repeat details that have been already said? And if there are other mistakes which I'm sure there are then feel free to add some on top of that too!
Anyways, thank you! :D

-

There the knight's journey was lead to tread the swamps of Tama, his iron grip clutching the end of a woolly sack, hung at his back as his shoulder carries the weight of a supposedly dying egg which is contained within.

[ ^ this sentence ^ is a bit messy, a bit clunky. See if you can break it up and not overcomplicate it. It could go:]

There the knight's journey took him through the swamps of Tama. His iron grip clutched the end of a woolly sack hung at his back, and upon his shoulder he hefted the weight of a - supposedly - dying egg.

So - what have I done here? I tidied up some of the verbs (lead to tread = took him; removed "contained within"). I separated it into two sentences so it wasn't rambling too much. I put "supposedy" in between dashes to give it a little personality and POV. The tense of "carries" needed changing as it didn't match the rest of the paragraph. Really just cleared a few bits up here and there.


"Psh, when they gave me this egg, I was told to go all this way to someone who knows more on this particular subject, only for me to find the person, who was actually just some stupid botanist detective and all he does is pour some shitty protection wax on it and then telling me that I actually have to bring this to an animal handling professional! And best of all... The nearest one is just damn miles away! So here I am treading mud on my shiny boots just so that I can find this "professional" and apparently he can take care of this damn baby unlike me! Why am I so incapable of handling the task of keeping it alive anyway? Ridiculous this responsibility thing is I tell you!..." The knight continued to complain in heated frustration, all while keeping a hurried pace.

This is a bit of a "block of text". The dialogue is quite disjointed and hard to follow. For a quick fix, try putting your speech tag (your "said the knight" or whatever it is) soon-ish after the first spoken sentence. Putting it at the back makes it difficult to read.


The moist air is lukewarm yet icky and uncomfortable, a surrounding of trees with sunken roots, forever feeding the growth of bark and fiber, leaves like vines expel creepily from branches, the ground is completely submerged in a pool of stale water and with it, the sight of an armored man, clutching at what seems to be a bag containing the baby dragon egg (Is it alright if I repeat this detail?) the choir of eager croaks covering up most of the knight's continued complaints. As his every step comes with hefty splashes, letting out his anger through his trot.

The sentence construction and grammar in this section needs some pretty focused hands-on clarifying. You do have some nice phrases in there but they are getting lost in what might be perceived as undeveloped sentences. Watch in particular for comma splices. This is where you join sentences, clauses and phrases with commas where a full stop might be better.


"Rrrreal riled up arrren't you?" The spiders voice echoed inside the knight's helmet, making him jump a bit in surprise, forgetting that she's still hiding in his helm
"Yes." the knight sighed, followed by a tired grunt
"Then let me tell you a story. The story of a man named Jarn, one who was the greatson of Barl."

I don't know what a "greatson" is but it sounds kind of neat. Good imagination at work there:) Watch your dialogue punctuation though. Know when to close speech marks with a comma and what capitalisation to use immediately afterwards.

"Jarn... You mean one of the three sons who went on an adventure around the world? Didn't you already tell me of Orm, the perspective of the first brother who had that same adventure together?" the knight asked, still interested in what the spider has to say

Watch your tenses. You are mixing them quite a lot, which ~can~ work if it's done for effect and for a reason, but more often than not it is simply oversights.

"Ahhh, so you were listening!..." the spider remarked, proud of the stubborn knight, being used to him often not listening to studies or history lessons, so she began to elaborate about the summary
"Yes indeed. Yet more interrresting is his perspective, as he considers himself the first brrrother too; a mindset that Orm also thought of himself as, implying the level of imporrrtance they saw in themselves. And in this story, albeit the same paths are taken, it still feels as if its an entirrrely different adventure when you see this one's point of view~!" the spider beamed, the sounds of passionate skitters helps ease the knight's nerve as he began to carefully listen to her expressive storytelling, effectively changing the conversation and calming his lengthy rage#

^ I guess many of the above comments apply here. ^

-



I think the first thing is to tidy the grammar and sentence construction up. Then you can focus on the actual story, the actual ~what is happening~ of the piece. That said, another thing I would like to see a little more of is the world. I often see writing that is purely inside characters' heads, but don't forget to take us to the world you've created either! Good luck :)
 
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Wayne Mack

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It is a little bit difficult to critique this without knowing the context of this scene in the overall tale. I will assume that this is intended to be the introductory scene.

There the knight's journey was lead to tread the swamps of Tama, his iron grip clutching the end of a woolly sack, hung at his back as his shoulder carries the weight of a supposedly dying egg which is contained within.
Try to grab the reader's interest in the start of the first sentence. A journey through a swamp is not interesting, but a dying egg would be. Maybe start with something like, "He feared the dragon's egg might be dying ..." and then talk about the knight's journey.

"Psh, when they gave me this egg, I was told to go all this way to someone who knows more on this particular subject, only for me to find the person, who was actually just some stupid botanist detective and all he does is pour some shitty protection wax on it and then telling me that I actually have to bring this to an animal handling professional! And best of all... The nearest one is just damn miles away! So here I am treading mud on my shiny boots just so that I can find this "professional" and apparently he can take care of this damn baby unlike me! Why am I so incapable of handling the task of keeping it alive anyway? Ridiculous this responsibility thing is I tell you!..." The knight continued to complain in heated frustration, all while keeping a hurried pace.
As a reader, I feel like I am being overwhelmed with detail in a short monologue. Since there are two characters, see if this can be done as a dialog. A main character explaining something to a sidekick is a common approach. This may also bring out that the knight is angry, which really does not come across.

The moist air is lukewarm yet icky and uncomfortable, a surrounding of trees with sunken roots, forever feeding the growth of bark and fiber, leaves like vines expel creepily from branches, the ground is completely submerged in a pool of stale water and with it, the sight of an armored man, clutching at what seems to be a bag containing the baby dragon egg (Is it alright if I repeat this detail?) the choir of eager croaks covering up most of the knight's continued complaints. As his every step comes with hefty splashes, letting out his anger through his trot.
I feel this is a little late to reveal that the egg is a dragon's egg; that is a story defining detail. I suggest pushing that info into the opening line (see previous suggested wording). The rest of the swamp description might be handled as part of the back and forth dialog in the immediately preceding section.

"Rrrreal riled up arrren't you?" The spiders voice echoed inside the knight's helmet, making him jump a bit in surprise, forgetting that she's still hiding in his helm
The late reveal of a second character surprised me and made me jump back to the prior sections to see if I had missed something.

"Then let me tell you a story. The story of a man named Jarn, one who was the greatson of Barl."
"Jarn... You mean one of the three sons who went on an adventure around the world? Didn't you already tell me of Orm, the perspective of the first brother who had that same adventure together?" the knight asked, still interested in what the spider has to say
"Ahhh, so you were listening!..." the spider remarked, proud of the stubborn knight, being used to him often not listening to studies or history lessons, so she began to elaborate about the summary
"Yes indeed. Yet more interrresting is his perspective, as he considers himself the first brrrother too; a mindset that Orm also thought of himself as, implying the level of imporrrtance they saw in themselves. And in this story, albeit the same paths are taken, it still feels as if its an entirrrely different adventure when you see this one's point of view~!" the spider beamed, the sounds of passionate skitters helps ease the knight's nerve as he began to carefully listen to her expressive storytelling, effectively changing the conversation and calming his lengthy rage
As a reader, I feel short changed if I expect to be told a story and then no story is told. The hint that there is a prior story adds to the frustration. Decide if this last interlude is necessary, because by this point, I had totally forgotten about the dying egg and had lost any sense of tension concerning the saving of it.

I am assuming that the purpose of this scene is to establish a 'Last Dragon' scenario and to introduce the two primary characters. Try and keep the focus on the dragon egg potentially dying and maintain a sense of urgency in the mission.
 

Fogged_Creation

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Hi,

I've put my comments in-line:





I think the first thing is to tidy the grammar and sentence construction up. Then you can focus on the actual story, the actual ~what is happening~ of the piece. That said, another thing I would like to see a little more of is the world. I often see writing that is purely inside characters' heads, but don't forget to take us to the world you've created either! Good luck :)

Thank you very much!

Your thorough examination was very insightful and, indeed, I see what you mean. Detailing my hiccups and what I could change to improve them give me new insights to make paragraphs more structured.
Despite all this, I hope you still had a few minutes to enjoy the script! And of course, I would love to give more information about the world I've been thinking about, even though in this specific scenario I didn't think it was necessary to give a lot of details.
Here is what I have gathered from you! :

-Use of simpler terms and reduction of unnecessarily complex sentence structures
-Better use of dialogue tags, to better describe their emotions and gestures
-More direct clarifications when describing an environment or situation (notably by attaching my sentences)
-Know when and where to add punctuation marks
-Avoid changing tenses too much
-And overall; sorting grammar

Il try and keep these things in mind the next time! And perhaps I can rewrite this scene all while taking into account about what you said :D

Happy new years by the way
 

msstice

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- I am curious to read more.
- The conversation could be broken up more, especially for the spider which speaks an odd dialect.
- The language can be cleaned up, but that is always.
 

chrispenycate

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-

There the knight's journey was lead
'lead'? as in the metat? Should this not be 'led'?
to tread the swamps of Tama, his iron grip clutching the end of a woolly sack, hung at his back as his shoulder carries the weight of a supposedly dying egg which is contained within.
The beginning of this paragraph is past tense, the end is in present tense.
"Psh, when they gave me this egg, I was told to go all this way to someone who knows more on this particular subject, only for me to find the person, who was actually just some stupid botanist detective and all he does is pour some shitty protection wax on it and then telling probably 'tell', rather than the present participle me that I actually have to bring this to an animal handling professional! And best of all... The nearest one is just damn miles away! So here I am
comma
treading mud on my shiny boots just so that I can find this "professional" and apparently he can take care of this damn baby unlike me! Why am I so incapable of handling the task of keeping it alive anyway? Ridiculous this responsibility thing is I tell you!..."
um, Yoda word order?
The knight continued to complain in heated frustration, all while keeping a hurried pace.
The moist air is lukewarm yet icky and uncomfortable, a surrounding of trees with sunken roots, forever feeding the growth of bark and fiber, leaves like vines expel creepily from branches, the ground is completely submerged in a pool of stale water and with it, the sight of an armored man, clutching at what seems to be a bag containing the baby dragon egg I don't think an egg can be 'baby, even if the contents are developing.(Is it alright if I repeat this detail?) the choir of eager croaks covering up most of the knight's continued complaints. As his every step comes with hefty splashes, letting out his anger through his trot.
that sequence of comma-separated phrases is excessive, and needs some chopping up and organising. Careful that the foms of the verbs are consistent.
"Rrrreal riled up arrren't you?" The spiders
spider's
voice echoed inside the knight's helmet, making him jump a bit in surprise, forgetting that she's still hiding in his helm
"Yes." the knight sighed, followed by a tired grunt
"Then let me tell you a story. The story of a man named Jarn, one who was the greatson of Barl."
"Jarn... You mean one of the three sons who went on an adventure around the world? Didn't you already tell me of Orm, the perspective of the first brother who had that same adventure together?" the knight asked, still interested in what the spider has to say
Tense - beginning (asked), end present (has to say)
"Ahhh, so you were listening!..." the spider remarked, proud of the stubborn knight, being used to him often not listening to studies or history lessons, so she began to elaborate about the summary
"Yes indeed. Yet more interrresting is his perspective, as he considers himself the first brrrother too; a mindset that Orm also thought of himself as, implying the level of imporrrtance they saw in themselves. And in this story, albeit
that
the same paths are taken, it still feels as if its
it's an entirrrely different adventure when you see this one's point of view~!" the spider beamed, the sounds of passionate skitters helps
probably 'helping'
ease the knight's nerve as he began to carefully listen to her expressive storytelling, effectively changing the conversation and calming his lengthy rage
Full stop (period). Is it reasonable that not only the spider's dialogue is somewhat clumsy and bumbling, the knights should be too? A knight hasn't always noble antecedents, so some lack of speaking ability isn't necessarily disturbing, and the spider is a different species, so thought forms could easily give birth to some strange forms, either of which could help build a recognisable character, but both?
 

JS Wiig

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Highlight all of the adjectives and adverbs, then see which ones can be replaced with a better noun or verb, and which ones can be removed alltogether.
 

Fogged_Creation

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It is a little bit difficult to critique this without knowing the context of this scene in the overall tale. I will assume that this is intended to be the introductory scene.


Try to grab the reader's interest in the start of the first sentence. A journey through a swamp is not interesting, but a dying egg would be. Maybe start with something like, "He feared the dragon's egg might be dying ..." and then talk about the knight's journey.


As a reader, I feel like I am being overwhelmed with detail in a short monologue. Since there are two characters, see if this can be done as a dialog. A main character explaining something to a sidekick is a common approach. This may also bring out that the knight is angry, which really does not come across.


I feel this is a little late to reveal that the egg is a dragon's egg; that is a story defining detail. I suggest pushing that info into the opening line (see previous suggested wording). The rest of the swamp description might be handled as part of the back and forth dialog in the immediately preceding section.


The late reveal of a second character surprised me and made me jump back to the prior sections to see if I had missed something.


As a reader, I feel short changed if I expect to be told a story and then no story is told. The hint that there is a prior story adds to the frustration. Decide if this last interlude is necessary, because by this point, I had totally forgotten about the dying egg and had lost any sense of tension concerning the saving of it.

I am assuming that the purpose of this scene is to establish a 'Last Dragon' scenario and to introduce the two primary characters. Try and keep the focus on the dragon egg potentially dying and maintain a sense of urgency in the mission.
As jd73 and chrispenycate have shared some useful insight in terms of how the text is structured, where I've gone wrong while rendering a better sentence;
I see that Wayne Mack's critique is also very interesting.
specifically focused on the story aspect of the scenario and gave a synopsis on each paragraph about how he felt and how I could improve certain parts to make it better.

To help clarify your assumptions, I wrote the scene with a very clear context on what was happening in my head, probably my mistake that I didn't share a clearer background on what was going on exactly. But your observations are still very much valid, and I see exactly what you mean!
:
1. I totally agree with you in regards to grabbing the reader's interest with some sort of goal or conflict. A knight treading through a swamp sounds less appealing for the reader to process if there is no apparent context of any goal or conflicts which had caused the knight to tread a swamp in the first place. And yes, You would reveal the goal first "saving the egg" and then detail the knight's progress to the main goal by "traversing the swamp", I concur that your idea sounds way more exciting than with what I did.

2. I had a feeling that the wall of text felt a bit excessive and unreasonable for the reader to process in only a few lines of dialogue. In this dialogue specifically though, I was imagining that the knight was speaking aloud to himself, complaining about his ordeals with some few individuals who gave directions to what they thought would help him with the problem. He's actually going through a swamp because it was the fastest shortcut to the closest fantasy veterinarian, the knight being told that he'd need to bring the egg to someone more well trained in taking care of these things quickly before it dies due to improper care... Which was my context and reasoning of what was going on.

3. The spider character would have already been explained and introduced way earlier on, as this is a sample of a mid-point of the knight's adventures, but I wanted to keep my story short for simple critical analysis, but it's true that there were no warnings on whether there was anybody else with the knight or not, only often listening to the knight's emotional outbursts and thoughts, though in a way she is not visible on the outside, since she's hiding inside of the knight's helmet... But should I nonetheless mention that detail? If so how would I do it?

4. I suppose that the lore dump might have been a bit strange and unnecessary. Especially with the cliffhanger where the story isn't actually told for the reader (It was kind of made up on the spot too). Though as you explained about how you felt, I completely understand my faults about my interactions with everything other than "the dying Egg that could perish at a moments notice!" I see now that the pacing was way off. While I tried making it feel like this was a life or death situation for the unborn baby and that the knight had to move forward to reach the destination and save the egg before its too late, I also added commentary on top of that, which kind of made the reader forget about the scenario with the egg.
My train of thought about that is that they were having this dialogue... While still moving at a fast and urgent pace. Maybe I should have added more emphasis on that fact? Here I am re-reading my own chapter again and again, and now I'm really starting to see everything you brought up that didn't feel right or felt out of place or was illogical. And you are god damn right about it.

Thank you so very much for your story-read response, and everyone else also helping me with the few more grammar errors I've repeated all while explaining to me about how that can be changed and why it would fit better in these specific contexts.

Happy new years by the way! :D
 
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Edoc'sil

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Hey fogged, read your piece and although I dont have much else to add that other people haven't already I'm just going to also add in my two cents. I've added them inline underneath or next to, I really like the setting and it sounds like an epic story so far, keep going with it I wanna read more!

There the knight's journey was lead to tread the swamps of Tama, his iron grip clutching the end of a woolly sack, hung at his back as his shoulder carries the weight of a supposedly dying egg which is contained within.

[I agree that this opening sentence is a little clunky, the corrections that jd73 gave were spot on so i dont have anything more to add however I will mention: I'm not sure if it's the style you are going for but the phrase "there the knights journey was lead" reads like its over-narrated and I feel it takes me out of the action, it reads almost like a bible passage. Again if that's the style you wanted then fantastic but I think that the first sentence should be one to grab your reader, I'm not saying this wouldn't fit later on in the story but if this is the first section of a chapter I would be tempted to change it. Apart from that I would go with jd73's corrections]

"Psh, when they gave me this egg, I was told to go all this way to someone who knows more on this particular subject, only for me to find the person, who was actually just some stupid botanist detective and all he does is pour some shitty protection wax on it and then telling me that I actually have to bring this to an animal handling professional!
[for me this sentence is a little long I would consider breaking it up to make it more understandable and easier to read.]

And best of all... The nearest one is just damn miles away! So here I am treading mud on my shiny boots just so that I can find this "professional" and apparently he can take care of this damn baby unlike me! Why am I so incapable of handling the task of keeping it alive anyway? Ridiculous this responsibility thing is I tell you!..." The knight continued to complain in heated frustration, all while keeping a hurried pace.
[I like this part you really show how angry the knight is and I'm starting to imagine him trudging through the swamp, one tiny thing I would remove "Thing" from "responsibility thing" I think it would flow slightly better.]

The moist air is lukewarm yet icky and uncomfortable,
[if it's moist and lukewarm it's going to be icky, I think the "yet" is a little redundant change for "and" then remove the "and uncomfortable" if it's all these things, of course its uncomfortable allow your reader to imagine it don't tell them.]

a surrounding of trees with sunken roots, forever feeding the growth of bark and fiber, leaves like vines expel creepily from branches, the ground is completely submerged in a pool of stale water and with it, the sight of an armored man, clutching at what seems to be a bag containing the baby dragon egg (Is it alright if I repeat this detail?)
[Yeah I probably wouldn't repeat it but I like the description of the environment I might change it for this: "Surrounding him on all sides were trees with sunken roots......(keep the same)........ and with it the knight clutching the bag of the precious dragon egg." or something like that anyway.]

the choir of eager croaks covering up most of the knight's continued complaints. As his every step comes with hefty splashes, letting out his anger through his trot.

"Rrrreal riled up arrren't you?" The spiders voice echoed inside the knight's helmet, making him jump a bit in surprise, forgetting that she's still hiding in his helm [cool character!]
"Yes." the knight sighed, followed by a tired grunt
"Then let me tell you a story. The story of a man named Jarn, one who was the greatson of Barl." [what's a "greatson"?]
"Jarn... You mean one of the three sons who went on an adventure around the world? Didn't you already tell me of Orm, the perspective of the first brother who had that same adventure together?" the knight asked, [could remove "still"] still interested in what the spider has to say
"Ahhh, so you were listening!..." the spider remarked, proud of the stubborn knight, being used to him often not listening to studies or history lessons, so she began to elaborate about the summary
"Yes indeed. Yet more interrresting is his perspective, as he considers himself the first brrrother too; a mindset that Orm also thought of himself as, implying the level of imporrrtance they saw in themselves. And in this story, albeit the same paths are taken, it still feels as if its an entirrrely different adventure when you see this one's point of view~!" the spider beamed, the sounds of passionate skitters helps ease the knight's nerve[nerveS] as he began to carefully listen to her expressive storytelling, effectively changing the conversation and calming his lengthy rage
[great stuff! I want to hear about this story of the brothers write it in if you haven't already, it adds some good depth to your universe]
 

SonicSouls

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The very first sentence is a run-on and needs to be divided. However, because of a lack of context of which chapter, I’m unsure about which specific advice I need to give. For certain you need to either condense it, or break it up into multiple sentences.

Let’s assume that this was the first chapter, and this was the opening line. Since the “supposedly dying egg” is the focus, make that the hook. But carrying a “supposedly dying egg” may be too generic. So, I would suggest incorporating his speech into the opening paragraph. Juxtapose the mysteriousness of this “supposedly dying egg” with the indifference the botanist has. Your knight seems to think that he would be capable of caring for this egg. Perhaps write the opening line skewed through that perspective. That will put the reader into the character’s head sooner.

Also, the knight’s speech needs to be shortened. I understand that you are trying to convey them grumbling about their task. However, the nonstop speech of that length comes across as unnatural. Additionally, it looks unprofessional. I would suggest that you splice the speech with action and narrative.

This will make it more professional. Additionally, it also means that the knight comes across as more believable since few people talk nonstop for that long. It also gives you the opportunity to use action to reinforce the knight’s attitude. Show, don’t tell. Narrative can also be used to give backstory that would otherwise sound unnatural if given by the character. Or, you could not reveal the entire backstory there. Have pieces of it revealed during ensuing scenes. Perhaps the knight laments to the botanist some of his feelings.

Lastly, I presume that the spider will be important for the story. The scene’s goal seems to be to introduce the relationship between the two characters. The spider can help keep the knight’s anger in check. Correct me if I am misunderstanding. Otherwise, I would condense the spider’s dialogue. You can accomplish the same goal while having the virtue of brevity. Now sometimes longer exchanges of dialogue are necessary and engaging. However, characters talking in paragraphs before another one speaks rarely is that engaging. Even in a lengthy speech you’ll likely want to break it up with some action or narrative.
 

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