Rock on depraved's hill

DLCroix

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Hi! There are several things I would like to try with this snippet; especially those related to translation. Regarding that, I do not want to anticipate anything, I pretend that the reader first thinks that something is not right and then understands the reason. It was one of the main discussions we had with my husband, who helped me with the translation. Let's see how it turns out. Because I have six novels whose translation will depend on all these experiences. Thank you very much for any comments!



The aristocracy on Varkadde Island was divided like this, my dear: if you hated people, El Síkkam; instead, if you exploited people but were the kind of neighbor who can be saluted, Bereldir Ville, and if you were already of those who they did atrocities to people, Cliftonside. Even the garrison pilots in the Kemilité often preferred to veer west; although they were shot down even at Carrick Fell. That aristocracy was very bad fleas, my girl.
So at Cliftonside someone that night got out of hand with the barbecue. But it was the mathematics of life: they too had to explode from time to time. The smoke was visible from the air.

“Eighteen dead, Lieutenant. Most of the Royal Guard,” Officer Húguernäub said to Nathan when she reached that mansion, pointing to the white jackets with wide shoulder pads of some dead, and although Nathan always seemed like a happy, fine blonde with model hair, as in the managements (and people also saw that she was crazy), her smile vanished when she saw those white Fakkoulds in the middle of sticky puddles. The scent of blood mixed with Tib’s Gradcer, Mubalit, Ariamba. A strange, intensely feminine garden, sweet, but where terror was unleashed.
Colonial restaurant architecture with insolently long, curved sofas instead of tables and VIPS. Huge plants. Lebrench style flat in sublevels: it was not a dance floor; but for lie with someone sitting on the back of the sofa or enameled frame putting you grapes in your mouth. Or other else. But not the 7mm loads of a Webley.

Like the ones that brought down that who lay with her head sunk in the back of the sofa.

“At least those windows are rubber-glass, a cadet could rebuild the ballistics,” she said, receiving a coffee from a rookie, which allowed her to show adequate negligence. Because the red Army jacket wasn’t any marvel: the Fastfarrel inc. even made tablecloths, little girl, and if it weren’t for her coat, a Rosaild, come on, she might have felt humiliated. Only that was missing, that the dead dress better.
Still, she spotted by there a Vann Trop bra. "A Donatto, a Palakr’m", said. And of course the little bird looking at her. But what did he expect? That she would asked him sugar? That instead of the beret she would wore a hat with feathers? She would have looked like a musketeer, honey, and only the tridents were so ridiculous. Engraved his name anyway, Sam Bulogne.

Will will couldn't throw them all.

“Any relation report?,” she said putting a grape in her mouth and looking at the platters with Bouillon mit Ei, cakes, buguets, kulesa, roast pork, foie gras. Those round doughs that called bread.
The GRs were slender; with skinny legs and boots closed like tubes around the knees, they seemed more majorettes at a military kermesse than girls who knew how to use weapons. That boy, for example, Rittol, had a Stéinitz in his hand. A vedette gun. As if to die arrogantly. But he didn't look like that, but like a creature that had been scorched away by something indescribable.

“Nothing so far,” Húguernäub said, dismissing the guy with a more maternal than haughty gesture. She was a tall, robust, short-haired blonde. The kind of escórcheslie who looked like a miracle, who was born commanding but wore that Calder without noticing it, like a rag. What was she doing there as a cop?

Although Nathan had seen the QRK too: boys running to a Hovercraft barking orders each to other in that language that only served to humiliate while a girl broadcast hysterical, “Carmin Road, Carmin Road! Defend your position! We’ll coming soon!”
People walked away scared, the police would not take long to appear. But some time later what appeared were fighters in the air. Nathan just looked at her glass. People felt fear again when the shaking started. But Nathan knew it all was over.

“They're interrogating the AIs from everyone, but it's a typical riding arena," she added. "There are no recordings or calls.”

“Marvelous battle, gentlemen,” a expert from the turalé said; old man, however, the days of the corpse looter were over. Therefore the joke was not cruel; it alluded to those who were still standing.

“The sacrilegious pogrom,” Nathan said. “They dumped that Spatcock's equestrian and the sculpture crushes to a GR ... Damn, everyone take you by a mare and precisely a horse kills you ...”

“Three died roasted when the aero in they tried to escape exploded,” Húguernäub said, indifferent to the lieutenant's frivolous horror. There is also a Túrrel, a Von Koffere. This little Kabrier was pierced. That one over there was strangled. I think his jacket is a Lónsdeil.

Húguernäub always seemed to be forty. Nathan noticed her strapless nalborgue anyway.

“Do you know why they teach us Fashion and Archeology?,” she said taking a sip of coffee. “Someone is playing puppets with people and through the clothes in which he dresses the dolls we can identify him. Doesn't the name Lónsdeil Yumborsa mean anything to you? That Lebrench in ten years could be the leader of the Váultier-Karash. What is the relationship with the Kabriers? I'd investigate the Le Khérmanns, sir.”

“They weren't yours, were they?”

Nathan shook her head.

“But they would have done the same,” conceded. “They are killers, officer. You cannot ask them ethics. Also, these monsters don't have it. By the way, where is the owner, Dízzel Pegbba?”

“The GRs began firing, such that Pegbba, an major woman, nervous, little given to fuss, you understand, left the salon, and it must have been her high heels or with the darkness she didn't see anything, but very kind, she slipped and, chof, she fell into the pool.”

Húguernäub also had her frivolous side, my dear, but she was referring to the punishment. Such that Nathan broke the first cigarette she took out of the cigarette case when she saw the huge grayish snout of the animal poking out, hopeful, to see if there was something else. She lit another.

“N-n-nothing good to have a s-shark as pet, right?,” she s-s-said.

“They love red,” Húguernäub said sinisterly.

Nathan saw the other cops staring at her. They were inexperienced guys, and the dead the kind of sweet, charming mares they knew in the parties, of which of course they always knew they were in strange games. But that, mind you, was also a sign of nobility and attractiveness, such that even the tridents jokingly said that even they had to be hanged, although at least once a month they had an affair with a good lawyer, in case things went wrong.
Even so, cops looked with sad resentment at the silhouettes of the military standing in the street in the rain, silent wrapped in their capes, aware that not everyone there belonged to the Army, although without a doubt the girl who came in to get a coffee pot, a pale mosterrina from long blue hair and angel look. It was a girl playing with snakes. Somehow worse. Guilty. Sixty years withstanding the people looking at them like pigs until it all blew up in 1302.
While she waited for the coffee pot to boil, she deliberately lowered the hood of her anorak so the cops would have time to look her and then look at each other. Because they didn't find her on the net. But during that time she looked at the corpses, fixed the shooting angles in her mind and reconstructed the shooting. As for Lieutenant Nathan, the mosterrina did not saluted the blonde; only winked at her through a riddled mirror and left as quietly as entered.

There was always open hostility between the two institutions, and the relationship only improved when the military gave in. Furthermore, Húguernäub did not look like a cop who can be impressed by a gold ring; she wanted the asshole that wearing that ring.
For one thing or another, the human being was always the target, my little girl.

Nathan smiled her with her usual charm.
“Can I invite you something to eat, sir?,” she told her.

The massif blonde looked at the bodies. She knew that others were hiding. Plus, she liked that Nathan. There was something intolerable about that red jacket that made very sense, and a monster that hunted other monsters would always like to a veteran cop.
“Well, the Kobnna is still open, sir, and it has rooms on the second floor. Since you're talking about eating,” she said her bluntly.

Nathan smiled even though she knew she would regret it. Every time. When she would to sit.
 
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The Judge

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I'm always in awe of people who can speak and write more than one language, and all credit to you for attempting a translation of your work. Unfortunately, although your English is good on a general level eg in your posts, it's not wholly idiomatic, and the translation here really isn't good enough.

There are problems on different levels. Some of them could be easily fixed eg a few spelling errors such as "massif" which should be "massive" -- you just need to double-check the spellings in a good dictionary. Also a few punctuation errors such as "something to eat, sir?," where the comma is wrong -- native English speakers make much the same mistakes and you merely need to brush up on the rules.

However, there are other mistakes which might not be easily sorted out eg grammar errors such as "she said her bluntly" which has to be "said bluntly" or "said to her bluntly" eg tense errors "When she would to sit" should be "When she sat" and eg word use errors eg "Can I invite you something to eat" which should be "offer you". I'm sure that now I've pointed out these specific errors you'll take them on board and won't make those precise mistakes again. However, there are lots of such mistakes, and you'd need somebody to point out each and every one, which frankly would be an exhausting business both for the person correcting the errors and for you in mastering them all so as not to repeat them.

There are also problems in sentence construction and general intelligibility. To be frank on too many occasions I couldn't work out what was meant by a sentence or paragraph. Partly this might be a fault in translation, but partly also the writing itself requires work -- even if it were expressed in perfect English I think I'd find fault with its portentousness and lack of clarity. And that's not to deal with bigger issues of characterisation, pace, tone and point of view, all of which we'd look at generally in a piece in Critiques.

Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic about this. Good luck with both the books and the translating.
 

DLCroix

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a few spelling errors such as "massif" which should be "massive"


You're absolutely right!, and I was even originally going to put it as you say, you know? What happens is that we Spaniards associate the term "massive" with an idea of "many people"; not with a bodily quality. But thinking about it, of course, something with mass, big, should be correct if it is written as "massive". The problem is that stayed rebounding in my head and that's why I changed it.
Now, that of "something to eat, sir ?," we also have pasted something that here we call the "vocative", in which after that a comma should go. Anyway, I'm going to be attentive to those details.
Also with that you mention, "she said her bluntly" which has to be "said bluntly". I was actually paying attention to the pronouns. It got away from me, sorry.
And as for the intelligibility thing ... Uuhh ... I couldn't tell you how much we discussed it with my husband. "They won't understand you," he keeps telling me. But, yes, it is a rather risky bet and the mistake, in many cases, deliberate. I suppose it is something we must continue to discuss, but we are aware that, at the very least, the contradiction of feminine gender in pronouns that appears in passive sentences, versus the masculine gender that is detected when the characters speak, is surely one of the first things that should surprise the reader and even be shocking. So in good shape I expected that criticism.
What am I going to do, my God? What trouble did I get myself into?
Anyway, we are going to continue working to improve that.
Thank you very much for your comments!
 

Wayne Mack

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For me, the translation did not seem to fully convey the intent of the section. Was it about someone hooking up at the scene of a mass murder? Some things that might help.

First, shorten some of the sentences. For example, I got lost reading,
“Eighteen dead, Lieutenant. Most of the Royal Guard,” Officer Húguernäub said to Nathan when she reached that mansion, pointing to the white jackets with wide shoulder pads of some dead, and although Nathan always seemed like a happy, fine blonde with model hair, as in the managements (and people also saw that she was crazy), her smile vanished when she saw those white Fakkoulds in the middle of sticky puddles.

I also felt lost when reading passages filled with terms I could not recognize,
Doesn't the name Lónsdeil Yumborsa mean anything to you? That Lebrench in ten years could be the leader of the Váultier-Karash. What is the relationship with the Kabriers? I'd investigate the Le Khérmanns, sir.”

I also felt there were some shifts in point of view from that of a narrator telling a story to someone,
The aristocracy on Varkadde Island was divided like this, my dear:
to a third person,
she said, receiving a coffee from a rookie, which allowed her to show adequate negligence.

I felt the translation was a hurdle in understanding what was to be conveyed in the story snippet. As you have six novels, I fear the translation did not do justice to your story telling.
 

DLCroix

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Wonderful! Also, if I consider two others that are half finished, I could actually speak of eight novels. But I take it easy. For me the main objective is to tie everything up, I think it will easily go beyond twelve, so I will be playing with my grandchildren when the first one appears, so there is time to correct all these details. I suppose. Anyway, thank you very much for your comments! :D
 

tinkerdan

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The first thing that sticks out is that you speak of the aristocracy of Varkadde Island being divided like this.
The aristocracy on Varkadde Island was divided like this, my dear: if you hated people, El Síkkam; instead, if you exploited people but were the kind of neighbor who can be saluted, Bereldir Ville, and if you were already of those who they did atrocities to people, Cliftonside. Even the garrison pilots in the Kemilité often preferred to veer west; although they were shot down even at Carrick Fell. That aristocracy was very bad fleas, my girl.
So I expect El Sakkam, PereldirVille and Cliftonside to be names of different levels of aristocracy; however it seems the name might be more regional than divisions.
Perhaps:
If you hated people, you were El Sikkam(if this is the name of a division)
If you hated people, you were at El Sikkam(if this were a region )
Or if it is regions you could fix them all by starting
The aristocracy on Varkadde Island was divided by region like this,



Then there is this.
and if you were already of those who they did atrocities to people, Cliftonside.

This has problems it could either be that you mean to say.
and if you were already of those who did atrocities to people, Cliftonside.
or
and if you were already of those who they did atrocities to, Cliftonside.

The whole piece has these kinds of errors and ambiguities throughout and need correcting however you would have to almost stand over the shoulder of the person correcting while they ask you what you mean.

I would agree that at this point it seems more productive to find someone who is adept at translating to do the translation.
 

DLCroix

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Hi! Yes, they are actually like neighborhoods,. Very good suggestions from all, also, and I think that the most grateful will be the one who does the translation. That is my purpose, deep down. I want try to deliver the material to him with a certain level of advance, so that, rather than translating, he dedicates himself to correcting these details.
So thanks again. You have no idea how useful all these tips are.
 

The Judge

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I think that the most grateful will be the one who does the translation. That is my purpose, deep down. I want try to deliver the material to him with a certain level of advance, so that, rather than translating, he dedicates himself to correcting these details.
I know nothing about translating, but I'd have thought it would be cheaper and simpler for a translator to take the original and deal with that rather than try and work with a document that's already gone through a form of translation. If you want to push ahead with your own translation, then you'd probably be better off finding an English editor who would then work on your version, putting it into better English, but as has been said that would require a lot of back and forth over exactly what you intend in any particular sentence, which is going to bump up the costs enormously. By the way, @Juliana is a translator -- English/Portuguese in her case -- so she might be able to point you in the right direction and give her thoughts on the issue.

Meanwhile, have you put your untranslated work through editors in Spain? As I mentioned above, to my mind the problem isn't only the English you've used as in my view the storytelling itself will probably require more work, and that's best done before you take any steps to get it translated, so it's the best it can be in both languages.
 

DLCroix

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Meanwhile, have you put your untranslated work through editors in Spain? As I mentioned above, to my mind the problem isn't only the English you've used as in my view the storytelling itself will probably require more work, and that's best done before you take any steps to get it translated, so it's the best it can be in both languages.

Ah hello! Well nope; I only took care to register the drafts in the copyright in order to avoid plagiarism and theft of ideas, which is always a highly recommended security measure, moreover. So, regarding your question, that of sending it to an editor I still see it far, because there is a lot to correct but above all you have to see that the things written, say as prequels (fragments like this, for example), do not contradict the rest of the material.
But, as well as sending it to an editor, no such idea has crossed my mind. I still don't see the need, don't you think? Also, at the moment I'm too excited writing every day to be concerned about something like that.
But they have seen this in Spain, Chile and Argentina, and they have loved it! Strange thing, right? In fact we have a mailing list where the betas are suggesting ideas to me and there is even a soundtrack in terms of a couple of novels that the betas readed and even designs of combat ships and the fleet that some boys made. There was a time when we even considered building a site to put all that but I told them that we had to finish the books first and then worry about everything else.
So everything that has happened with this work, since the first stories of the series were published, back in 2012, couldn't be more wonderful!
Oh, by the way, I'm going to see if I contact @Juliana, but, as I was saying, the general plan is to have the entire saga written, first in Spanish, then launch a couple of free novels that it be easier to access them, in one second stage to see its commercialization and I think that only in a third stage to see the issue of translating it into another language. So there are still many rivers to cross.
This little fragment, moreover, was only intended to obtain some ideas, as an experiment, and several ideas stayed already very clear to me. I really couldn't explain to you how excited I'm to see that hypothesis was correct! It gave me a boost that I really appreciate, folks! :D
 
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autoretscriptor

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This piece reads as if it were written by a non-native English speaker. It exhibits some confusion in the use of tenses, has some run-on sentences, and the word usage and idioms are intelligible, but odd. So, no offense meant to the author... it might be a fantastic piece in its original language. But for the English-speaking reader, it needs a lot of work. I hope this helps.
 

Juliana

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the storytelling itself will probably require more work, and that's best done before you take any steps to get it translated, so it's the best it can be in both languages.

the general plan is to have the entire saga written, first in Spanish, then launch a couple of free novels that it be easier to access them, in one second stage to see its commercialization and I think that only in a third stage to see the issue of translating it into another language. So there are still many rivers to cross.

Hi @DLCroix! A good translation of that much text will cost a fair amount, so I think your plan to leave a possible translated version for later is a good one. And as TJ says, make sure it's completely ready (edited/copyedited etc) first or else you run the risk of paying for a translation only to find you have to make revision changes in the original.

But it looks like you just wanted to try out a sample here, so this doesn't really apply. :)
 

DLCroix

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Hi, @autoretscriptor, @Juliana. Thanks for your comments! You are very right, and I even tried to adapt the text to a neutral Spanish, to facilitate the translation. Because the Spanish that we are used to using on this side of the canal has a huge amount of expressions that do not have an equivalent in English. Buaaaahh. :lol:
 

DLCroix

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I know the feeling! Sometimes I'll be writing and think, this would work much better in Portuguese.

Of course! For example, for the same "Vosotros", "Ustedes", "Tú", "Usted", they only have the "You"... So there is a lot of rich element in terms that we understand perfectly but we have to readjust or adapt it so that it is intelligible in English, right? Then substance is lost. Buaaahh, again. :sleep:
 

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