Character Thoughts during Action Heavy Scene Flow...?

[-K2-]

Yeah, the title is a terrible way to explain it, but as I try and lean out an action scene to radically bump up the pace, I feel it's becoming too dry. IOW, once I get to the combat portion it becomes shoot-kill-explode-kill-shoot more-reload-kill-kill--yawn. To offset that, yet not interact with the action's pace, I've decided my character would run an underlying monologue in their head, which every so often pushes to the surface--during the action--and commentates.

My questions are:
1. I'm showing these brief passages as direct thought, in italics (I don't want it to read like story narration). Is it acceptable to have them within an action paragraph? IOW, sentence 3 of 5. I'm hoping to avoid one/two line paragraphs of action.
2. To explain this 'quirk,' my character gave it a simple name, (the) voice. Since it is shown as direct thought, must I have a thought tag? (I don't see any value in differentiating the character's direct thoughts from 'the voice' since she has none during the sequence. When she eventually does, I'll use a tag for her).

Thanks for your help!

Spoiler: Personal Anecdote

Until the past three years or so (my clarity is not what it used to be ), when I wanted to really focus on something, I'd often simultaneously sing a couple different songs, perform math problems, or work out other things in the background of my mind. It helped me to slow down and not get ahead of myself, hence focus. So, I thought I'd use that in the story to add a bit of flowery narration to break up the action but not disrupt the flow.

K2

 

[The Big Peat]

I think it's pretty much impossible to answer this one without seeing an example.

 

[-K2-]

I think it's pretty much impossible to answer this one without seeing an example.

Fair enough, though in the character Kae's case she runs this monologue to detach and keep her emotions in check...yeah, one brick shy of full on whacko A quick read through of the chapter finds there are no such passages in the middle of a paragraph, yet I'd like to move some to such a position.

Rough versions, they read poorly (currently I have tags which I'd like to remove):
Before action: A stuttering breath choked in Kae’s throat when she heard the count. Her eyes welled up, till the voice resounded in her mind. Abaddon unfurled his wings shading the unrighteous, so his locusts plagued them in comfort, and Kae calmed.
During action: After one second of twist, once she reached the buildings Kae paused for two, cruelly waiting for the first swath of bodies to fall before she twisted back sweeping the crowd again. Calculated efficiency increases harvest, the voice callously cooed. Each of Kae’s passes netted a hundred people or more. (moved thoughts to reflect what I'm hoping for)

K2

 

[The Judge]

Ah, that's interesting. When I read your opening post I assumed the character's thoughts would be a kind of commentary on the action eg "She fired again. That's another dozen down. Then she twisted back." which to my mind would get very old, very fast, so I'd want the comments to be few and far between.

However, I do like this quirky idea of one part of her mind being engaged in something wholly different. I imagine you've given instances of this before, complete with italics and dialogue tags for the voice, and an explanation of how it affects her? That being the case I think it'll be fine to have it coming up mid-paragraph of action and no need for the dialogue tags on every occasion (and never with "callously cooed"! ). Quite how many you can allow yourself per the action sequence is another matter -- see how it reads and how your betas like it, or perhaps put it up in Critiques. The only thing I'd suggest, though, is perhaps to have a connection between the thoughts ie if not all with a religious feel, then at least something that we can see runs from one to another -- eg here something about the devastation locusts caused somewhere -- unless you've already made it very clear the voice says things at complete random from stuff she's read in the past.

It's not exactly the same but I had a similar sort of worry over some scenes for my piece in the Femmes Fae-Tales anthology, in that I had someone reciting a story while simultaneously doing things, watching what others around her were doing, her internal comments about the others, plus dialogue from someone else cutting across her, and that all continuing for a few pages. I put the story in italics to set it apart which helped but one critiquer mentioned that he couldn't follow the story as it was so disjointed, since I was only giving short clauses of it at a time, not complete sentences. That didn't worry me, though, since the story itself wasn't important, only its effect, which I presume would be the same for you here ie what the voice says isn't relevant, only the fact that her hindbrain is saying it.

 

[.matthew.]

I think it works fine.
Will you be dropping the voice cooed stuff after the first one and just having the italics alone?

 

[-K2-]

Thanks @The Judge and @.matthew. for the responses;

Actually, this is the first time/chapter the issue will come up. So, we end the last chapter with her enraged then calming when she focuses to harvest. This chapter starts like this...again VERY rough I'm reworking all of this so have some partial edits:

A Just Harvest: C-26

Nudging her way up the packed street, Rokka-Kae’s stern glare slipped to an inexpressive gaze. Moments before a fight always concerned her. No profanities flooded her thoughts. Her fury drained away and neither hate nor courage filled her; just a hollow indifference that made her wonder if she was a psycho like every other reaper.

The writhing throng beckons… Kae sighed, “Yeah, and then there’s that.”

Long ago, Kae discovered she kept her emotions in check by spewing a ghoulish monologue beneath her focused attention. The voice, as Kae called it, wasn’t someone else speaking, but herself. Sometimes she sang, other times the voice was poetic or spoke well above her education; anything to keep her detached, control her emotions, and occupy her mind to not dwell upon what her hands were doing.

Times like this—cold and unemotional—her cursed memory was a blessing. Who, what, and where mapped out, prioritized, and targeted as she formulated her plan. Like a farmer harvesting his crops, Kae’s voice speculated callously, a precisely calculated reaping, maximized yield.

In any case, these are just random thoughts her mind is toying with to keep it distracted while the other portion is focused and working on the task at hand. She needs to keep it distracted due to her conflicting empathy and sympathy. She hates doing what she is doing (here), and learned how to do this from her past as a slave and sex worker to survive and endure...and then it gets much more involved and clinical (not in the novel, mostly).

So, these background thoughts will sing a song, when it's done maybe recite a short something, BUT! In Kae's case it's not totally detatched from what is happening. So on occasion will narrate actual activities, state cold RCFG terminology, technical aspects, to even work like a conscience:
E.g.:

Kae stopped halfway up the street. Adjusting her pistols to half-speed automatic, she faintly heard the voice. A plodding twenty-two rounds per second rate of fire; each magazine, one hundred fifty rounds of spalling hate. Though people were pressed tight around her, no one paid attention, reveling in their debauch. Kae focussed and raised her hand to her ear.

Kae stumbled over bodies to the street’s tail end. Sitting on a pair of stacked corpses, she slipped her duffel off her back, withdrew a shoulder stock, snapping her right pistol into it. Raising the stock to her shoulder, Kae scowled at her thoroughness, as the voice condemned her guilt, vengeance for ‘your life’ is not justice, murderer.

Kae's only direct thought is the last line of the chapter:
(context: she wanted to be killed during this, and she is about to perform 'mercy (killing)' on the slaves these people were abusing)
Cursed are the merciful, Rokka-Kae brood. For again I’ve been granted none. F****n’ weeds.

Thanks for your help! I coo cutely

K2

 

[The Judge]

Yep, I think that will work -- as you say it's a bit rough for now, but when polished it should shine! Good luck with it.



EDIT: sorry about the duplication -- only just noticed, and now removed.

 

[-K2-]

Twice is nice, thanks for the help

K2

 

[-K2-]

EDIT: sorry about the duplication -- only just noticed, and now removed.

Koo-koo-ka-choo @The Judge , you just didn't like my rhyming.

K2 Goo goo ga joob

 

[Luiglin]

For me it depends on what type of action sequence. If combat, the shorter and less of I find more realistic. Combat should be about letting the conscious go and instinct/muscle memory take the lead. Too much over thinking can get you into trouble.

 

[-K2-]

For me it depends on what type of action sequence. If combat, the shorter and less of I find more realistic. Combat should be about letting the conscious go and instinct/muscle memory take the lead. Too much over thinking can get you into trouble.

That's a big part of it. Her conscious thought dwindles and she lets reflex/experience become action. Not once do we see her think, 'shoot them, get him, do this, that, or the other. I touch on that knowledge a couple times, but she never through thought or word addresses it. So, to occupy her mind so her emotions don't get in the way (be it rage or empathy), she detaches and lets a 'middle-conscious' (between sub and active) ramble on about this or that.

However, I need to break up the kill-slash-kill-shoot-blah... So, I'm allowing those MC free thoughts to poke through now and again like a running dark monologue.

Thanks for the input.

K2