Need help with a sentence

[yamgo]

Hi everyone, I'm unsure about some things in the following sentence and would like some opinions.

Warning: Contains graphical content!

This is my initial sentence. Basically she does action 1 while he does action 2 until action 3 happens:
She pushed the keen-edged metal as far as the flesh and bones of his head allowed it while he gurgled in agony until the life left his eyes.

Now I'm wondering if it should be "allowed it" or "allowed it to" like in the following example:
She pushed the keen-edged metal as far as the flesh and bones of his head allowed it to [go] while he gurgled in agony until the life left his eyes.

Similarly, should it be "allowed " or "would allow"?
She pushed the keen-edged metal as far as the flesh and bones of his head would allow it while he gurgled in agony until the life left his eyes.

After I've read the sentence a few more times, I wondered if I had to use the past perfect somewhere, as it is a sequence of events. Something like this:
She pushed the keen-edged metal as far as the flesh and bones of his head allowed it while he gurgled in agony until the life had left his eyes.
She pushed the keen-edged metal as far as the flesh and bones of his head allowed it while he had gurgled in agony until the life left his eyes.

Lastly, should there be a comma at any point in the sentence?
She pushed the keen-edged metal as far as the flesh and bones of his head allowed it, while he gurgled in agony until the life left his eyes.

I'm going crazy about this and really need some help.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

First of all, I don't recommend the "had" versions at all. That almost always weakens your verbs, and should be used very judiciously.

Secondly, I would suggest breaking your sentence up into two pieces. Since this is, obviously, a scene of intense action, I think it would be more powerful in shorter chunks. I might also rearrange things a bit, to make it even more visceral.

How about this?

She pushed the keen-edged metal as far into his head as the flesh and bones allowed. He gurgled in agony until the life left his eyes.

 

[HareBrain]

I think remove the "it". A comma after is optional but might aid clarity.

However, I thinking having her "do X while Y until Z" feels awkward.

 

[The Judge]

You're overthinking here, so deep breath! (Says she, who could spend an hour putting a comma in a sentence then taking it out again and repeating ad nauseam...)

First, drop the "it" since it's not needed; "to go" not needed; "allowed" is OK; past perfect in either place is wrong; comma is wrong where you've tried it.

This isn't something I'd write, but it I were to write it, I think I'd invert the order of things, since presumably she's already started to cut him before this line, and "as" (instead of "while") is better as a starting point eg
As he gurgled in agony, she pushed the keen-edged metal as far as the bones of his head allowed, until the light left his eyes.

Alternatively, perhaps change the wording or make it two sentences, as I don't think you gain anything by running this sentence on like this. And as above, I'd probably drop "flesh" even though it's a neat word as it won't actually hold up the knife that much on his head, unless it's in his face, in which case I'd say that.


EDIT: as ever, I'm too slow off the mark and just repeating what's been said, though with more verbiage!

I've been thinking more about my version starting with him gurgling. It's usually best to start with the first action, then the reaction, which is why you'd have "She struck with the blade and he fell" not "He fell after she struck with the blade". I was wondering why I presumed she'd started to cut him, so here I was giving the reaction to that -- gurgling in agony -- before the metal going in, and it's because of the "pushed". As a verb, that sounds to me that contact has already been made, and this is continuing it. If in fact my presumption is wrong, and though she's wielded the metal beforehand, she's not touched him with it, I think you need a rather more forceful verb there -- even "drove" would give something more dramatic to the sentence. I'd still rephrase the sentence, though, as I don't think it's working effectively here. Perhaps:

She drove the keen-edged metal into his head, pushing as far as the flesh and bones allowed as he gurgled in agony, until the light left his eyes.

 

[yamgo]

Thank you all! I see the sentence a little more clearly now. I really like the broken-up version presented by Victoria and think I'm going to go with that.
As for dropping the "flesh", the blade is pushed in from below the jaw. I'm assuming it would go through the mouth and the brain until it reaches the top of the skull.

Not sure if I can ask another question here, but is there a word for the soft spot between the jaw where the neck ends and the head begins? Or is it just jaw?

Edit: She already had cut him before:
Before he managed to raise his axe, Ryn's blade had punctured the bottom of his jaw.

But now I'm also reconsidering to use the version given by you, The Judge. Ugh, decisions

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Looks like that would be the submental space, if I'm interpreting this correctly.

Submental space - Wikipedia.

I doubt you want to use that in your story.

"Submental space" sounds like a joking term for one's less-than-brilliant thoughts.

 

[yamgo]

Seems about right. I'm gonna stick with "jaw".

 

[BBF]

Not wishing to detract from your original posted sentence, but have you though of adding a further action that might make add a more natural break in the information you wish to impart. Such as having your character, having drove in the sword, changing her grip, perhaps wrapping her fist around the pommel, to then force the sword in as far as the bone would allow?

Either way, it sounds like a great scene. Good luck with it and happy writing.

 

[Danny McG]

Just shoot him, less hassle. It worked for Indiana Jones

 

[Trollheart]

Not the second time, though!

 

[paranoid marvin]

A couple of points I'd like to make. Firstly though a question; is this a frenzied attack or a calculated movement? If it's the former I'd suggest using a more vigorous word than 'pushed' such as thrust or jabbed/stabbed? If it's slow and calculated then she 'slid' the blade. Also if this is a graphic description, then it's worth considering what the weapon does to make him gurgle and emphasis to the reader that it's been pushed a long way in.



How about '...she thrust the keen-edged metal up through his jaw, skewering his tongue and piercing the roof of his mouth, and watched as he gurgled in agony until the light left his eyes.'