S.O.S. Space Exploration

[Richard-Allen]

I peered at the screen where there was a blip. There numerous other blips. They looked tiny in comparison to the large one. I worried... No! I was concerned about seeing it there. My mouth grew dry as I saw it there. The screen showing what was before us. There should not be a spaceship there. We are afraid of what we seeing there. Space should have been void of life other than alien life forms. There was one ship. I felt it could be a human type ship, but I could not be sure from the blip alone. Although I felt it was a danger to us.

“Yes, I can,” Winds implored and smiled.

“ Bring it up full on the screen,” Mual said, turning to the screen.

“BUcka, that’s where the signal came from!” Jewels said as she looked about. Her eyes wide with horror upon hearing this radio signal over the static. Jewels seated at her chair listening in over the static of space, when she heard a mayday signal over the com. The bridge is spacious having rounded edges for all of the equipment on her. There is a huge board where communication and satellite information came in on. There is an area for a drink to be set on and food as well.

“Who sent the signal?” Mual asked who was standing in the middle of the bridge with his hands clasped behind his back he turned and strode towards her in a confident gait. He wore a black coat and a white dress shirt that silk, slacks that black from his belt hung a sword and a revolver in a holster. He is a tall man with a bit of muscle on his body. His left cheek had a scar from a dagger that caught him there, it was jagged.

“The ship was before. How could it be there? There was no plausible explanation for this,” I declared as I looked at its form. The ship had the appearance of a human type ship previous to the Alliance; this was what I felt it was. That was impossible. Rubbed the back of my neck to relieve the tension I was feeling upon seeing it there. I felt fear bubble up inside of me.

“Is that really what we are seeing?” Winds asked, her eyes huge in disbelief.

Mual asked as he looked at Winds, there were tears in his eyes, “Location of the signal?”

“Bearings 347 latitude 567, it came from there,” Jewels said. There is a little dot of light on the screen. The screen is 3 meters square.

“An earth signal?” Jewels asked, “I can't believe what I heard. How Could an Earth Ship Be?”

“There should be no earth ship! Especially an Earth ship before the Alliance! That can not be!” Mual exclaimed his skin paled, beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead. He trembled.

“Then why did we receive a Mayday! Not an SOS, but a Mayday,” Winds said beads of sweat ran down her face and her eyes wide in terror as she realized this.

“Earth used Mayday before the Alliance came into being! Didn’t they? Especially the US at that time?” Jewels asked looking at me as I sat there in my chair.

“It does not make sense,” Mual declared. “There has to be a record of it being! He knew that they hadn’t sent any ships from what he recalled. I did not know of any ship by that name. Black castle it sounded sinister, with a name like that. It wouldn’t it”

“Winds can you see what that ship looks like!” Mual asked.

“We have received a Mayday,” Jewels said, peering at Winds with Mual hovering beside her. She tried to calm her nerves as she opened and closed her hands. Mual's eyes stone-cold and unmoving. He looked at the screen its image was enhanced. He looked concerned. His jacket and dress shirt without a wrinkle or spot on them. He gnawed his lower lip as he saw it there. He did a double-take of it.

Jewels heard over her commlink, “This is Dark castle. We are under attack. We need assistance. Mayday! We are under attack!”

Jewels responded, “We are. Responding to your Mayday. What is your location?”

She heard nothing over the commlink, but static aside from the Mayday. That she heard as clear as day.

“The ship is signaling SOS. The signal is as it should be if it is from earth prior to the alliance.” Jewels replied the blood drained from her face. Her eyes widened, her fingers trembled as she looked at Mual. She knew that there should be no ship from the earth. Especially prior to the alliance. That the reason that we explore this region of space?

“We just received an SOS signal, from that sector,” Jewels stated.

Captain Mual in the middle of the bridge with hands clasped behind his back. He wore a black leather coat and black slacks with a white silk blouse and a black belt hung with a machine pistol, and sword. He was puzzled. This section unexplored; there should be no ships especially from the Earth. Yet they found one there; one of the Earth’s own previous before the Alliance.

“Check to see if there is anyone out there. Targeting the ship,” I asked concerned, trying to figure this out. There no way it could be there. “Seeing the moon not too far away from the damaged spaceship. Maybe the spaceship hiding there?”

“There is no one there. Aside from the ship that signaled us,” Jewels said as she touched the controls to see if there was anything that posed a threat, her hands hovered above the buttons to control the weapon boards and looked triumphantly at Captain Mual awaiting his words to fire.

“Bucka, what do you make of it!” Mual screamed.

“What are you talking about? There were no ships sent out before the Alliance,” I declared, and I was happy to hear this. I wanting to find human life out rather than alien life forms. The aliens do not like humans.

“That’s where the target is located,” Winds said. Her face pale, eyes large. Winds lifted her eyes, smiled, prepared to engage the weapon systems.

“Is there anyone there?” Mual asked, his eyebrows arched. He had a military bearing, head held high. Back straight he had his hands behind him. Furrows appeared on his forehead. He squinted.

Mual in the middle of the bridge he advanced towards Winds. His cadence is not broken. His hands are behind his back. He frowning, with a furrow on his brow. His eyes glued to the ship he transfixed by seeing it, “How could it be there?”

“I don`t know! There has to be an explanation for this?” I suggested as I looked at the ship. It defied common sense, there could not be a ship from there. Could there? I could not believe my eyes saw there. An earth ship before the Alliance, there no way it could be there. It could not fly at warp. Pieces would fly off of the ship as it gained this speed it encountered. Yet the whole space ship there.

Winds expanded the screen to show the spaceship. It looked like a box, several kilometers long. The ship was armed to the eyeteeth with ancient weapons they would would prove effective against any adversary in space that they met up with at the time the weapons were made. That we had come across. There were marks identifying it as a US spacecraft.

It could have been a huge meteor shower, but we doubted it. A huge dent in the middle of the ship, with gouges and tears in this dent. There pieces and portions of the spaceship littering space where it happened. The scorch marks marring the surface didn’t come from a meteor shower. But an attack by someone or thing. It had been attacked by someone with certainty. We could see into the ship to see the ship’s interior hallways and rooms through the damage done to the ship. We suspected.

It resembled an Earth space ship from the US space agency. That made no sense, there was no way an Earth could be from there. The US agency hadn’t designed a way to travel as fast as warp in the time that this ship had come to be. When the Alliance came to accept us, Earthlings, as space travelers. She turned to the targeting screen. She froze as she saw it there. She looked at it again trying to see if she hadn’t imagined it. She discovered no she had not missed seeing it.

There was a wheel that the helmsman handled to its right. There are four seats there on the bridge. One for the communication tech, the ship’s weapon specialist, the security officer, and lastly the first officer.

 

[Metaluna]

Hi, the fractured style of writing gives the story a strange freshness. And it's a good start to a military SF story - an Earth ship that shouldn't - couldn't - be where it is, and the fear its presence creates amongst the crew. There's plenty of backstory hinted at but doesn't get in the way of the narrative. The writing style creates the sense that we're seeing everything from a different, even alien, perspective. Initially I thought that the story was being written from an alien point of view (and translated in Google translate). It's surprisingly easy to read and I enjoyed it.

 

[sule]

I think this is an interesting piece you've written. I would have liked you to go a bit more into who the narrator was, as at times I felt like the first-person narrator was very impersonal; not interjecting their own feelings into the narration and rather just relating the things that were happening (It read to me like the narrator was an AI that had an implant in the minds of the crew, thus allowing it some access to their personal thoughts, but I think that's just a personal reading of the text and not something firmly established by your narration).

“An earth signal?” Jewels asked, “I can't believe what I heard. How Could an Earth Ship Be?”

“There should be no earth ship! Especially an Earth ship before the Alliance! That can not be!” Mual exclaimed his skin paled, beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead. He trembled.

She knew that there should be no ship from the earth. Especially prior to the alliance.

there should be no ships especially from the Earth. Yet they found one there; one of the Earth’s own previous before the Alliance.

An earth ship before the Alliance, there no way it could be there.

It resembled an Earth space ship from the US space agency. That made no sense, there was no way an Earth could be from there.

I get that the ship being from earth is important to the story, but as a reader I felt kind of insulted that you kept bringing it up, like you didn't think that I could remember that the ship was from earth, prior to the alliance, and that this was strange. I personally feel that you could have cut a few of these statements of the fact to keep the pace of the story going, as it got bogged down later on with each time you felt you had to go back and state what the problem was. Perhaps if you could replace the restatement of the problem with some new reaction, or something that recontextualizes the issue, that would help the story flow better.

Also, this confused me:

“Then why did we receive a Mayday! Not an SOS, but a Mayday,”

“The ship is signaling SOS. The signal is as it should be if it is from earth prior to the alliance.”

It seems to be pretty important that there's a distinction between Mayday and SOS in the first part, and then one of the other characters refers to (what I read as) the same thing as an SOS without mentioning Mayday. Is that because of the difference in the characters, or did I miss something?
But I think this story you've started has some potential and I think if you cleaned up some of the redundancies and better established who the narrator is that it could be really good.

 

[ginny]

The subject is interesting and it could make for a great beginning for a story.
However, I feel the piece needs a lot of work.
First and foremost I have a notion that English is not your first language.
There are numerous grammatical errors throughout this piece.
The example below gives some hints at what I mean.

“I don`t know! There has to be an explanation for this?” I suggested as I looked at the ship. It defied common sense, there could not be a ship from there. Could there? I could not believe my eyes saw there. An earth ship before the Alliance, there no way it could be there. It could not fly at warp. Pieces would fly off of the ship as it gained this speed it encountered. Yet the whole space ship there.

I could not believe my eyes saw there.
An earth ship before the Alliance, there no way it could be there.
Pieces would fly off of the ship as it gained this speed it encountered.
Yet the whole space ship there.

Also you might notice that in this quote the word there is used 8 times and three of those contribute to the grammar problems.

Likewise your POV, First Person, is being under utilized. The beauty of First Person is the ability to get into the head of the main character to experience their senses and instead it feels like you have fallen into telling the reader everything.

It might be wise to check out the difference between showing and telling--unless you really were looking for this type of style of writing for some reason. As for myself as a reader it just doesn't work for me.

You should continue to write....much of what I see here in problems is common to beginning writers and can--over time--be fixed.

 

[Richard-Allen]

Thank ypu for your work here. So, I still have a few things to do to. I appreciate what you have suggested to me. I wasn't sure if I have room enough to put in any other information on the story or my concerns with it,

I think this is an interesting piece you've written. I would have liked you to go a bit more into who the narrator was, as at times I felt like the first-person narrator was very impersonal; not interjecting their own feelings into the narration and rather just relating the things that were happening (It read to me like the narrator was an AI that had an implant in the minds of the crew, thus allowing it some access to their personal thoughts, but I think that's just a personal reading of the text and not something firmly established by your narration).






I get that the ship being from earth is important to the story, but as a reader I felt kind of insulted that you kept bringing it up, like you didn't think that I could remember that the ship was from earth, prior to the alliance, and that this was strange. I personally feel that you could have cut a few of these statements of the fact to keep the pace of the story going, as it got bogged down later on with each time you felt you had to go back and state what the problem was. Perhaps if you could replace the restatement of the problem with some new reaction, or something that recontextualizes the issue, that would help the story flow better.

Also, this confused me:


It seems to be pretty important that there's a distinction between Mayday and SOS in the first part, and then one of the other characters refers to (what I read as) the same thing as an SOS without mentioning Mayday. Is that because of the difference in the characters, or did I miss something?
But I think this story you've started has some potential and I think if you cleaned up some of the redundancies and better established who the narrator is that it could be really good.

sorry about the insult you took from it. I did not realize that I had repeated so often about the ship not being there would be a good thing. I apologize for the insult. I did not realize I had done this. I have to try to immerse the reader into the knowledge of the POV. I did not realize this. So, what should I do to do this> You have established later on who it was.

The reason they were confused was that the signal was a Mayday instead of a S.O.S signal. THis type of signal has not been in operation from a long time ago. Thank you for pointing this out to me. Much appreciated.

The subject is interesting and it could make for a great beginning for a story.
However, I feel the piece needs a lot of work.
First and foremost I have a notion that English is not your first language.
There are numerous grammatical errors throughout this piece.
The example below gives some hints at what I mean.


I could not believe my eyes saw there.
An earth ship before the Alliance, there no way it could be there.
Pieces would fly off of the ship as it gained this speed it encountered.
Yet the whole space ship there.

Also you might notice that in this quote the word there is used 8 times and three of those contribute to the grammar problems.

Likewise your POV, First Person, is being under utilized. The beauty of First Person is the ability to get into the head of the main character to experience their senses and instead it feels like you have fallen into telling the reader everything.

It might be wise to check out the difference between showing and telling--unless you really were looking for this type of style of writing for some reason. As for myself as a reader it just doesn't work for me.

You should continue to write....much of what I see here in problems is common to beginning writers and can--over time--be fixed.

I realize I must work on the language. I have to try and allow the reader inside of the head of the narrator. I was trying to do this, I also did not realize that I had done this. Repeating the same word,

I think this is an interesting piece you've written. I would have liked you to go a bit more into who the narrator was, as at times I felt like the first-person narrator was very impersonal; not interjecting their own feelings into the narration and rather just relating the things that were happening (It read to me like the narrator was an AI that had an implant in the minds of the crew, thus allowing it some access to their personal thoughts, but I think that's just a personal reading of the text and not something firmly established by your narration).






I get that the ship being from earth is important to the story, but as a reader I felt kind of insulted that you kept bringing it up, like you didn't think that I could remember that the ship was from earth, prior to the alliance, and that this was strange. I personally feel that you could have cut a few of these statements of the fact to keep the pace of the story going, as it got bogged down later on with each time you felt you had to go back and state what the problem was. Perhaps if you could replace the restatement of the problem with some new reaction, or something that recontextualizes the issue, that would help the story flow better.

Also, this confused me:


It seems to be pretty important that there's a distinction between Mayday and SOS in the first part, and then one of the other characters refers to (what I read as) the same thing as an SOS without mentioning Mayday. Is that because of the difference in the characters, or did I miss something?
But I think this story you've started has some potential and I think if you cleaned up some of the redundancies and better established who the narrator is that it could be really good.

Hi,
I had made mention that it was a Mayday instead of SOS. Mayday is an older expression. The reason it is so important is that human used it long ago.
So that is the reason that it is so significant, I hadn't realized that I had done that often. I apologize for the error. So, I have to cut down on the details that are repeated so often. I thought I had cut down on that.

 

[JNG01]

Thanks for sharing this. I think I see a few things that might have a big impact right off the bat. First, the piece shifts between present and past tense verbs in a way that I found confusing. Some consistency there would probably be an improvement. Second, you had a few sentence fragments that appeared unintentional. You may find some value in a close revision in making sure that you have verbs everywhere you want them. Last, this could benefit from "addition by subtraction"--the ruthless hunting and elimination of extraneous words (facilitated by trusting the reader to connect dots and imply minor actions or fill in minor details).

 

[Richard-Allen]

Thank you for the observations of the story. I did not realize that I had been repeating my self. As in the ship is from earth, having an earth's occupants on board it. The ship was US designed and owned and it was before the alliance. When we earthlings learned to travel in warp. So, I should cut down on these details.

 

[Richard-Allen]

sorry, I forgot about mentioning the S.O.S. they received or rather the Mayday they received. It was about the time of the US being caught before the alliance would use on their spaceships. I figure I should cut down on the detail that I have used to do this. I think that was another thing you were referring too. Am I correct in this matter. Thank you for the help in this matter.