Opening Scene of The Many Faces of Kat Rivera -- Close 3rd Test.

L.L.Lotte

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Oh, sorry. I forgot I changed that. It says street lights my end. I'm getting a bit lost in all the revisions

This is that line now:

At least there was still power to the streetlights, their hazy glow marking the edges of the road, illuminating the lifeless buildings standing either side.
I think I originally used lamp because it sounded more steampunk like.
 
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J.C. Scoberg

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I've not read your previous versions but I liked what I read, although having read the comments I don't think the setting was how I imagined it when I read it. I pictured a fortified sailing town in a fantasy medieval era rather than modern, but that would have come across from additional extracts and doesn't take away from my enjoyment (more an observation).

Not long after posting did I realize it wasn't very clear on who that was referring to. Here is that paragraph as it currently stands:

She clutched at her head. Phantoms of the mist pranced around, tormenting her with their wicked grins and hollow eyes. You couldn’t even protect me! The Ward Keeper’s empty eyes full of condemnation, mouth agape, the ghost of a past mere hours ago, nails hammered through her hands, cracking the Ward Stone she hung from, her fur matted with her own blood. How could Kat protect her; the Ward Keeper’s body already cold. But the phantoms just wouldn’t stop laughing and whispering and cursing.
I like this change - it reads better (and clearer) than the original. The fur bit did confuse me as I wondered if the character was covered in fur (?), but now it says the body was a Ward Keeper I want to read more to find out what a Ward Keeper is. I like that there is not too much information at this point about Wards, Ward Blades etc.

The idea of the fog felt very gothic, which I like. But I thought maintaining fog would be better than swapping to "mist", especially because you later describe the manticore as emerging from the fog, its breath misting up the air. I don't know why but it didn't feel quite right to me swapping between these two - in my opinion, anyway.

I understood that the italics were her master's voice.

I hope that helps!
 

L.L.Lotte

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I've not read your previous versions but I liked what I read, although having read the comments I don't think the setting was how I imagined it when I read it. I pictured a fortified sailing town in a fantasy medieval era rather than modern, but that would have come across from additional extracts and doesn't take away from my enjoyment (more an observation).
Thanks J.C. I'm trying to get a little more hints in there without taking away from what I've already written. At this point it is still vague, but by the end of the first chapter the reader will be without a doubt sure of the world setting.

And welcome to Chrons! Thank you for choosing my thread to be one of the first you critiqued. :giggle:
 

Ashleyne

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I'm an amateur at giving critiques, and truth be known, I'm terrified of upsetting someone with potentially wrong opinions. Anyway, I'll give it a go.

I had to google what miasma meant. It's not a word I hear often, and I'd rather not google words when trying to read a story. This is more a 'me being too stupid' thing than a 'you being too clever' thing.

It was a bit of a slog for me to read through the 3rd paragraph, especially the last sentence.

There's a lot of description of paranormal things happening throughout the rest of the exerpt. It's very imaginative and overwhelming. It's not the kind of writing I'd normally read, and if I read this intro I'd probably pass on the book. I have a simple mind, and I prefer simple words.

Also, I didn't feel any intrigue about the character. The focus was too much on the things happening around her. It was too much to take in at once, and she was the thing about your intro that stuck with me the least.
 
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L.L.Lotte

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I had to google what miasma meant. It's not a word I hear often, and I'd rather not google words when trying to read a story. This is more a 'me being too stupid' thing than a 'you being too clever' thing.

There's a lot of description of paranormal things happening throughout the rest of the exerpt. It's very imaginative and overwhelming. It's not the kind of writing I'd normally read, and if I read this intro I'd probably pass on the book. I have a simple mind, and I prefer simple words.
That's okay. I'm probably not writing a book you'd like then. Thanks for your comments though. I'll still take them into consideration. :)
 
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