Okay, this is irking me. I'm writing first present (not cos I wanted to, but it's what the story's liking, so there we go...) and I have this at the end of chapter one:
'I leave, but when I reach the path beneath I stare up. He’s not watching the camp anymore, but me, and I know that he’s disappointed in me. That, for some reason, he believes my answer was wrong. I’m sorry I disappointed him but I don’t stop to tell him that. He’s wrong, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like him. I step away, intending to keep my mouth shut. Will trusted me; I won’t blag on him. But I don’t ask him to tell me anything more. Maybe it would have changed things if I had.'
That last sentence. Is that okay in first present. Obviously it indicates that the story is actually being told in retrospect. Is that a breach of every writing rule or okay? Thoughts.
(I don't need a rewrite of it, thanks. If it feels wrong to many people, I can sort it out.)
'I leave, but when I reach the path beneath I stare up. He’s not watching the camp anymore, but me, and I know that he’s disappointed in me. That, for some reason, he believes my answer was wrong. I’m sorry I disappointed him but I don’t stop to tell him that. He’s wrong, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like him. I step away, intending to keep my mouth shut. Will trusted me; I won’t blag on him. But I don’t ask him to tell me anything more. Maybe it would have changed things if I had.'
That last sentence. Is that okay in first present. Obviously it indicates that the story is actually being told in retrospect. Is that a breach of every writing rule or okay? Thoughts.
(I don't need a rewrite of it, thanks. If it feels wrong to many people, I can sort it out.)