I'd love to receive feedback on my proposed Blurb

[FibonacciEddie]

Background
Standalone Sci-Fi thriller set on present day Earth

***
Blurb - focused for the Amazon book description section (rather than the paperback back page)
***

“We’re coming to help”
That’s the message humanity receives from space.
They are the Ankor and they say a massive galactic explosion is heading Earth’s way
But they provide no proof … only demands for materials to build an enormous shield to orbit around the Earth
All countries with space launch facilities must prepare to support the effort
But can the Ankor be believed?

Francis MacDonald, serial entrepreneur and owner of the UK’s space programme, says there is no choice. Without a shield in place, Earth will be sterilised
Tim Boston, working for Francis MacDonald, can see both sides of the argument, the Ankor are clearly being mysterious, but perhaps they have good reasons? In any case, he’s not concerned. He has one goal – deliver the next system upgrade to Francis MacDonald, cash out, and pay for his conscience to be salved
Samantha Turner, Tim’s co-worker, just wants a single pain free day since the car crash five years previously that smashed her spine and robbed her of her mobility
Colonel Ben Martel, special Ministry of Defence investigator, doesn’t believe the Ankor. It’s in his job description.

***

thoughts?
thanks

 

[Brian G Turner]

I'd suggest you try and write both sections - the background info, and the characters - into a single piece. That way you could make it feel more dynamic, like a story unfolding and building up, and less distant.

 

[thaddeus6th]

I find blurbs tricky, but, for what they're worth, here are my thoughts:

“We’re coming to help” - I'd make this it's own line to make it stand out a little more.

They are the Ankor and they say a massive galactic explosion is heading Earth’s way - full stop at the end (and next couple of line), and I'd change 'they say' to 'claim'.

All countries with space launch facilities must prepare to support the effort - maybe rephrase a little to emphasise there's doubt but the risk is so enormous it cannot be ignored?
But can the Ankor be believed? - maybe change 'believed' to 'trusted'?

Broadly speaking, I think it's pretty good.

 

[HareBrain]

I'm a bit confused about my response to this, because in the last blurb crit I did (the previous poster, funnily enough), I recommended the author add in character names, which were lacking. In your case, I like the plot part, but not the characters (it feels a bit like minutes of a meeting) and I think maybe the plot part alone would work. It would certainly make me interested enough to investigate further.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I would just use the plot part but maybe bring in a bit about a main character or maybe the company. The antagonist is well described.

 

[Pyan]

If you're just juggling it a bit, I'd think about moving the Samantha Turner piece to the last on the list - then you've the three Ankor views together, then a contrast to the personal view at the end. Possibly start that one with a 'But' or a 'Whereas', to emphasise the difference.
Swop the Colonel and Tim Boston as well, so there's no break between the co-workers, Tim and Samantha.
Beware of the comma splice, as well.

Francis MacDonald, serial entrepreneur and owner of the UK’s space programme, says there is no choice. Without a shield in place, Earth will be sterilised.

Colonel Ben Martel, special Ministry of Defence investigator, doesn’t believe the Ankor. It’s in his job description.

Tim Boston, working for Francis MacDonald, can see both sides of the argument. The Ankor are clearly being mysterious, but perhaps they have good reasons? In any case, he’s not concerned. He has one goal – deliver the next system upgrade to Francis MacDonald, cash out, and pay for his conscience to be salved.

Whereas Samantha Turner, Tim’s co-worker, just wants a single pain free day since the car crash five years previously that smashed her spine and robbed her of her mobility...

I'd have a closer look at the story, though, based on this.

 

[FibonacciEddie]

Many thanks to everyone for providing open feedback... this is such a strength of the SFF forum (thanks Brian)

I'm going to mix it all in and see what comes out...

thanks again

nick