Awkward sentences?

[drmatteri]

Hi, all.

I'm beta reading a science fiction novel and I've noticed the author has a habit of writing sentences like this: "[Adjective], the [Noun]."

Some examples:

"Spooky, their look."

"Exhausting, this sleep."

It sounds awkward to me because he uses this method frequently and pulls me out of the story. Anyone else seen writing like this? Is it grammatically correct?

 

[HareBrain]

Is it grammatically correct?

Technically no, because there's no verb. I can see it working from time to time (maybe once or twice per book) as a creative alternative, but anything that pulls you out of a story you're betaing is worth flagging up, in my view.

 

[M. Robert Gibson]

Perhaps Yoda, he is.

 

[CTRandall]

I could imagine it as part of speech but only very occasionally. I agree with with Harebrain; if it pulls you out of the story, tell the author. S/he can make the final decision about whether it works or not.

 

[tinkerdan]

I can see this working in dialogue or even if it's a character's thoughts.
That said, I would use this only on occasion and try to limit it to one specific character POV since, if this shows up in many POV, that would make all characters begin to sound the same. Having an omni-POV narrator with this quirk...annoying, this method.
However if they insist maybe they could try things such as.
Their look, spooky.
This sleep, exhausting.
or
Their look: spooky.
This sleep: exhausting.

It still might annoy, however it would sound less YODAish.

 

[Daniel]

Based on the examples you gave, it looks like a spoken-language correction to me: the adjective describes the situation, the following noun phrase provides a more specific reference to a salient part of the situation which is likely the source responsible for the general impression. So, the meaning is not : "their look is spooky" but "I feel spooky because of the way they look at me".

 

[tinkerdan]

From the OP's example:

So, the meaning is not : "their look is spooky" but "I feel spooky because of the way they look at me".

I don't believe the average reader would be able to see that much into those three words.
If you were the original author of those words and that was what you meant I'd expect you to understand it, but it's a stretch to getting readers to understand.

At best you suddenly open the field for all sorts of interpretation of what that might mean; though my guess is the average person will end up with Their look is spooky or Their look was spooky; based on the tense of the paragraph or paragraphs around it.

If this were in a poem, it would make perfect sense if it fit the rhyme and meter.(though it still might be open to interpretation if you looked as far as to say it was saying, 'I am spooked by the way they look', or some such)

 

[drmatteri]

Thanks for the input, everyone. I can see it working with some dialogue as well, but this author uses it too much. I'll be sure to let the author know and offer alternatives.

 

[Danny McG]