Earthwyrms (YA) opening: 950 words

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I'm not sure if I'm agreeing with everyone else, or coming to a directly opposite conclusion, but for what it's worth...

For my taste it's all too low-key, bearing in mind they're about to commit a criminal offence. There's no sense of excitement or strain or fear for the first 250 words, and not a great deal thereafter, and what you do have is mostly telling not showing -- where's the sweaty hands, the dry mouth, the desperately needing to pee? Like much of your writing, this is all rather cerebral rather than emotional, which is perhaps not what you want just here. My suggestion would be to push more excitement and tension into it, the beginning especially.

As to emotion, yes, for me the anger was missing, even if it's only anger which he's remembering and/or manufacturing at this point for the purpose of screwing his courage to the sticking place. Think Treebeard -- "They're felling trees, healthy trees!" -- and make it personal for Adam. He's damned if this wonderful old oak, a major part of his life, where he had his first kiss, is going to be snuffed out by corrupt bureaucrats and thieving capitalists just so the mindless prats of the town can have another f*cking shopping mall. He'd go to prison, rather. Well, perhaps not prison, but he'd pay a fine. If it wasn't a large one. And if he didn't get thrown out of school before his GCSEs.

As to Adam himself, I've obviously no idea how he will develop, but for me your cerebralness bleeds into his character -- if I'd not known in advance this was YA, I wouldn't have guessed he was an adolescent, with see-sawing hormones. I also have to confess that for the moment he reads to me as Orc-lite -- worry, angst and sexual jealousy, and a lot less gumption than is usually considered helpful for the protagonist -- and that Jezz will be playing the Cass role of being more active and can-do, but still only the subsidiary character.

Also for my taste, you've started the scene about five minutes too early. For me, no matter how realistic, the back-chat didn't advance the scene enough to justify its place in its entirety, and I'd prefer to wait to find out about the teenagers and their exact relationship later. I can't recall if the broken link fence is a plot point. If it is, I'd start it where she's literally just about to snap the links. If it isn't, I'd leave it out altogether, and start with her brandishing the bolt-cutters, and then they see the other 3 figures, so don't do anything after all. In either case, just a brief scene-setting of the compound and two or three lines of dialogue as a maximum before the snapping or seeing. Basically, start the action earlier.

Not sure if that's of any help, not least as I never read YA so I haven't the faintest idea what they want to read on the first page of a novel, but there we are.
 
Yes, what Brian said. :) But also, I know you like to really look at any issues your pre-release readers have with your work, so I hope you won't mind me putting out another post of thoughts/suggestions. You know I love your writing, so nothing here is meant with a harsh edge; just the thoughts of a reader.

Well, I found this to be a bit of a frustrating beginning, because given the set-up, and knowing how important openings are, I would expect a fast-paced scene of excitement, stakes, and consequences (all in three pages;)), and to me it just moved a bit ploddingly, and I think it was the social interactions, and character-building that slowed it down. It was a bit frustrating that the opening is all about the group building up to break into the compound, and then it never happens ... the cut-wire twangs, the group retreats, and so much for the daring break-in. Even a simple thing like worries over what might be hidden in the grass aren't realized; Adam worries in the opening lines, and then there's no consequences to his fears. Another instance of my reader's expectations frustrated.

I was waiting to see if anyone else suggested starting the scene later. I agree that, if this is to be the opening, perhaps starting it in the middle of the action might be wise. Do we need to know all of the personal backgrounds on the first page? Maybe try starting with the group kneeling before the fence, Jezz with her wire cutters out ... then the wire-snap sound, the group fleeing back into the darkness, then regrouping, watching the folks who came to inspect the fence (were they reinforcing some charm on the fence, with their chanting?; and I don't how to explain this, but the bits about this threesome didn't seem as tense/ominous feeling as I think they could be. If what they represent in the story is important - a group of the main foes our gang will be contesting against, perhaps? - I would like their actions to instill a sense of fear, or dread in our protagonists; I also was surprised that Adam would consider going over to talk with them). Maybe then we could have some character development as they discuss their circumstances. You could even have Adam announce that he landed in dog poop, and make it clear here it'd been one of his greatest worries for the night … so a less static demonstration of his fears.

I know this must be fairly early in the writing process, but there were two sentences that kind of distracted me.

‘The May night air stirred the scents …’

It's an odd thing, but ‘May night' literally made me think 'May Day’ here; for some reason 'May night air' sounds clunky to me, and I wondered if this might benefit from an ‘of’.

Could this be rearranged something like this:

‘The night air of May stirred the scents…’

Then in this sentence there are four sets of words connected by hyphen, which kind of gives it, IMO, an artificial-sounding flow:

Adam’s nerve-heightened senses carried out a last-minute search for danger, but there was no traffic noise from the lane alongside the right-hand edge of the compound, where the heavily padlocked gate was — no sound at all but the faint roar from the town’s ring-road.

At least one could be easily eliminated:

Adam’s nerve-heightened senses carried out a final search for danger...

There were a few other things, but they've been covered. I'm not sure if this was of any help, but as always I'm positive you'll make a few corrections, and this will be wonderful. :) CC
 
you'll figure a way to write the best opening for this story

Yup, I now know what to do -- mention the tree more, and leave it out entirely. ;)

the desperately needing to pee?

They went before they came out! Wouldn't you?

In either case, just a brief scene-setting of the compound and two or three lines of dialogue as a maximum before the snapping or seeing.

I think you (and CC, whose crit just arrived) might be right about there being too much inconsequential filler before the three figures are seen, but I think the length of time/text before they're seen is about right, pacing wise, especially because the kids don't act during the observation (nor can they, really). What I probably need to do is put more meaningful action into that first section.
 
[QUOTE="HareBrain, post: 2279080, member: 22303"What I probably need to do is put more meaningful action into that first section.[/QUOTE]

largely, I don't agree. I think TJ has it right about the character. You got away with it with Orc because the world is complex and the worldbuildilng part of the beauty. And because the readership is adult.
This is YA. A passive character is a real, real risk - and he is passive here. (And, I think, throughout the book, I seem to remember many AARRGGHHSS about that... was that in this one?) I think you need to go back to the character and rethink him. Inhabit him, not you. xx
 
(And, I think, throughout the book, I seem to remember many AARRGGHHSS about that... was that in this one?) I think you need to go back to the character and rethink him. Inhabit him, not you.

I think I've addressed most of the AAARGHs, to some extent anyway. They mostly concerned the attitude of his thoughts rather than his failure to physically act.

He is more a follower than a leader, and I can't see myself fundamentally changing his character. That would have to be a different story about someone else. Some readers seem to like him, so I think I'll carry on with this one (but try to change this opening) and see what happens.
 
Just had a thought. What if they do cut their way inside the compound, and are in there when the three figures show up?
Well, try it and see. But I'm not sure it's enough to sustain 400 words before the other three appear unless in doing so you also address the issues of emotion, tension and Adam's character.

For myself, I don't need the teenagers to act in the first scene, as long as I can believe that Adam would act, even if he would only be acting to support Jezz. As for him being a follower, we don't need him to be an alpha male, taking command and bossing the others about, but it would help if he could exhibit some kind of inner strength which is compatible with being a follower. I think what isn't helping is that at present it's as if you're writing him at a bit of a remove despite the ostensible close POV.

Picking up CC's point, and your own comment about the kids being only observers when the three strangers arrive, could you put more tension and fear or even sheer curiosity into Adam as he is watching them? You've told us he's afraid as it begins, but that's it, and there's no real sense of spooky things happening. Upping the visceral stakes here would, I think, pay dividends, and avoid the need for you to think you needed real action beforehand.
 
I disagree that it's unrealistic for teenagers to want to save a tree. In fact environmentalism is usually one of the few things millennials actually care about these days (and I should know, I am one). I can totally see a couple of zealous wannabe activists doing something like this, and I thought the whole sugar fiasco was pretty reminiscent of teenagers, who often act first and think later.

Worth noting that three young people (not teens, but in their mid-20s) were just sentenced to 16 months prison in the UK for spontaneously occupying a convoy of lorries/equipment bound for a controversial fracking site in Lancashire. So I didn't find that part unbelievable at all.

However, I do agree that there is a tad too much superfluous dialogue in this, and that causes some of the tension to leak out. Tightening up a few of the lines and perhaps cutting the initial 'you still in?' chatter, which really just serves to introduce the characters, could help this. I think the issue with agency is because Jezz seems to be in charge, yet we see the scene from Adam's perspective, resulting in him being slightly passive. Giving Adam slightly more direction might work, and could be as simple as transferring his musings re dog poo to Rick, for example, and having Adam be the one to suggest the diggers. I don't know, just thinking out loud.

My only other minor quibble was that I wasn't sure what era this is set in and, if it's the present, I ain't never heard no modern teen say the words 'top man' in anything other than a completely ironic sense :LOL:. So that kind of threw me for a moment, but is probably just a matter of reading this without any context to fall back on.
 
Hi

I am intrigued by the story and would have read on to see what happened next, but I also had a feeling that something was missing from it. After having a long think, I feel it's the emotional side that's missing, and in some part the description too. It needs to be closer third.

I wanted to feel the grass, his hand brushing over it, for instance. Was it dry, wet, etc? Was he panicky inside. I agree a lot with The Judge. As for teenagers protecting a tree, yes I can see it happening, but if it needs more of a reason then maybe a relative could have been hurt trying to do the same thing and they are doing it for them too. Just a few thoughts of mine that I hope help.

Crystal
 
I like that you are using the senses in the first paragraph with Adam. However I think you are under utilizing it and with just a bit more and getting closer to Adam and immediately channeling those heightened senses you could explain much more about Adam right from the top and squeeze in motivation and some of the challenges or conflicts of what they are doing and possibly wedge in the ultimate goal of save the tree. Look at the entire piece and find everything that builds the scene and the tension and see how much you can jamb into the introductory paragraph and then you can move on to build on that with a natural progression that includes the other characters and how he sees them.
 
I enjoyed the read, and it put me very much in mind of the illegal and worryin things my friends/brother and I used to do as children - basically spending evenings trespassing on building sites and trying to break things - especially when they sold the land off by the lake I used to fish.

I assume Doaky is a very old oak tree they want to save (because of the name and the D at the front makes me think of old english/french-y twist). I think the characters are very well-brought up, however, very middle class and privileged in terms of things like: owning a smartphone, snapping more thoughtfully at each other (as opposed to 'shutup dick'ead' etc), and rather than contemporary, it had a feel of Boys Own Adventures style stories from the 50s and 60s.

The logic about them caring about a tree works for me because they come across as quite worthy and privileged, and despite their impending (postponed) crime, that is what their focus would be. It does feel a little as if there's not enough of a threat or dareisay stake? Perhaps some visceral or bleak reference to some failed animal liberation that'd been on the news might scare them up a bit. I don't know, just a thought.

I do wonder about their background and environmental warrior credentials - the teens I know wouldn't think twice about the crime of it, but would be wary of being in the countryside; the teens you paint are probably suburban or ruralites who have no such worries about strange natural sounds and animals, but maybe instead a fear of the repercussions of their actions.

pH
 
the teens you paint are probably suburban or ruralites

They are middle-class suburbanites. As for the 50s/60s feel, my main question to the two teens who've read it so far was, is there anything to say these aren't modern kids?, and both said no. Which surprised me a bit, to be honest. Anything you can point to particularly, given that they are middle class?
 
In isolation, the specific example might seem a bit 'huh?' to support my point, but there's a jollity to them that seems naive somehow. I think for modern day teens there'd be more sexual references perhaps.

The CCTV, smartphone, diesel, digger etc all suggest present, modern day but the way they talk to each other is a bit less mean than I'd expect.

However: Bear in mind the kids I'm used to teaching. I'm probably the exception.

pH
 
For me up to a certain point it could be any era that had heavy machinery with diesel gas and chain link fences. And then the phone was mentioned. I recall when I worked on campus in the mid 80's that the maintenance people had what might be considered a precursor to the cell phone and it looked like a walkie-talkie on steroids combined with the jargon of CB's. Then the mention of researching sugar in gas tanks brought it right up to date.
 
I'm in two minds here.

Part of me thinks TJ is right about starting it with the fence cutting and that also others are right about needing more visceral appeal.

But, when reading my critique, I realised I wasn't terribly interested in reading about some teenager getting a dry throat while doing a bit of light B&E. I was more intrigued by why three teenagers felt so strongly about an oak that they came to do this, why they trusted each other, and all the human stuff. Part of me regards all that chat in the beginning as unnecessary fluffing around before the action... the other part thinks it could have gone a lot further and deeper.

I guess that means do more of all of that. But for my tastes, focus more on Doaky and why Adam's doing this than how he's doing it.
 
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