Hi guys and molls,
Following the recent observation in another thread of a lack of crits, and my constant worry that I'm doing it all wrong, I'm after a rather simple feedback on this exerpt. Before I post it, though, I have to say that in the past the Boss has told me off for spoilers re this story and in case he - or anyone else - is serious in that respect, please don't comment or read this thread.
This is a scene in which POVs Willie and his best mate Kate, along with her husband Neil are considering the absence of other friend, Craig, who went out clubbing the night before and hasn't come back. Willie, Craig and Jose are guests at Kate & Neil's house, so Craig's absence is a bit of a worry, however ...
Am I cheating the reader? Is there anything in the passage that makes you think a reader when they discover this will think I've acted unfairly.
Thanks
pH
‘Where’s Craig?’ [Neil, who's just come into the kitchen with a hangober says this]
‘Not back yet,’ Willie said, ‘What time do you think?’
‘I dunno. I don’t even remember if I gave him a key or not.’
‘Morning beeches,’ Jose said, swaggering in wearing pristine knee-length white shorts and a pink tank vest. His skin glowed even in the gloom, and his eyes were bright and lively.
‘What time did you get in?’ Willie said, ‘We were just talking about you two.’
‘Around six I think, maybe seven,’ Jose said, ‘Is Craig back?’
Neil and Willie looked at each other.
‘He’s not back?’ Jose said, and started chuckling.
‘No, he’s not. What’s so funny?’ Willie said as Neil set up the coffee machine. He was still rubbing his head.
‘That chick he met, he must’ve gone back to hers.’
‘You mean that old dear with the crutch? I hope he has his phone,’ Willie said, remembering last night’s strange out-of-sync conversation.
‘I didn’t see her, he told me about her. But you know Craig, doing his bit for charity,’ Jose said and walked out through the dining room and into the gardens, disappearing to the west.
‘Don’t be such an arsehole, Jose,’ Willie said, but it wasn’t his comment on Craig doing a disabled woman that bothered him, but that Craig liked to drink as well as trip out, and the dick wasn’t familiar with Lowe. It was funny how someone so annoyingly polite in some ways could be so inconsiderate in others.
‘Lemme call him,’ Willie said, reaching into his pocket.
The screen flashed when he looked at it; one missed call and a voicemail. He clicked the play button. The metallic voice advised him; “Message. Received. August. Thirty first. At. Two. Forty two. A. M.”
This was followed by the familiar sound of Craig’s voice, breathless and excited with a background of a thumping bass, voices and the occasional car passing; “Raaass! It just gets better. I wish you would pick up. Jose said you wanted to chat so I came outside to call. Why don’t you ever pick up, man? You won’t believe this. I met this hot gyal. Oh my days, she’s a scream, I’m telling you! She’s here alone, fam. Can you believe that? Do you think Kate and Neil’d mind if I brought her over tomorrow? To the house, I mean. Adele would love Kate. So… Look, text me yeah. If it’s okay. Ask Kate and text me. Okay, cool bruv. I’ll see you on the flip, later.”
A muffled sound followed as Craig fumbled with his phone and then the metallic voice cut in again. He hung up.
It seemed odd that Craig would be so forward in regards to bringing someone back to the house but something else worried him more. It danced around before his mind and wouldn’t settle so he could work out what it was. But there it remained, bothersome, sullen and unresolved.
Kate power-walked back into the kitchen with an exhaust of white sheets fluttering behind her. She threw them on the counter where they landed with a whump.
‘Help me with these will you?’ she said, and slid a pair of scissors over to Willie.
He followed her lead in cutting and tearing them into strips whilst Neil moaned about the insanity of it all.
‘Baby, come on, you’re not serious are you?’
‘Darling, have you forgotten about last night?’
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ he asked
Kate rolled her eyes at him. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
Meanwhile Jose had returned and was munching on a huge green apple. ‘What happened last night?’ Jose asked. He wound some of the strips they’d prepared around his arms and was parading around like a mummy, making ghoulish noises, howling ‘Woo!’ in everyone’s faces.
‘For God’s sake!’ Neil said, slamming his espresso cup down before walking out to the reception. ‘I’m going to lie down.’
Kate hurried after him but returned shortly looking hurt.
‘Where d’you get that apple?’ Willie asked Jose noting he’d just come in from outside.
‘The shree…’ he said around a mouthful, pointing out to the garden.
‘What tree? They don’t have any apple trees. Just a flowering cherry.’
Jose laughed and flashed a wide smile as if he’d said the most ridiculous thing. He finished the thing and pitched the core out the open window where it landed with a splash, presumably in the pond.
Willie loved Jose’s irreverence and free sprit, but it was embarrassing seeing him act like that, as if the house were his own. Luckily Kate had been so focused on her sheet ripping she’d not noticed. He shook his head at Jose who just grinned again, raised his eyebrows and walked back out to the gardens.
A few minutes later and all the sheets had been reduced to long strips. Kate begun the task of hanging them immediately, starting with the window seat, then moving into the dining room, looping the strips over anything that could be used to hang them.
Following the recent observation in another thread of a lack of crits, and my constant worry that I'm doing it all wrong, I'm after a rather simple feedback on this exerpt. Before I post it, though, I have to say that in the past the Boss has told me off for spoilers re this story and in case he - or anyone else - is serious in that respect, please don't comment or read this thread.
This is a scene in which POVs Willie and his best mate Kate, along with her husband Neil are considering the absence of other friend, Craig, who went out clubbing the night before and hasn't come back. Willie, Craig and Jose are guests at Kate & Neil's house, so Craig's absence is a bit of a worry, however ...
Jose is not a real person, and exists solely in Willie's mind, but Willie obvs doesn't realise this. Craig's voicemail is also 'not real'.
Am I cheating the reader? Is there anything in the passage that makes you think a reader when they discover this will think I've acted unfairly.
Thanks
pH
‘Where’s Craig?’ [Neil, who's just come into the kitchen with a hangober says this]
‘Not back yet,’ Willie said, ‘What time do you think?’
‘I dunno. I don’t even remember if I gave him a key or not.’
‘Morning beeches,’ Jose said, swaggering in wearing pristine knee-length white shorts and a pink tank vest. His skin glowed even in the gloom, and his eyes were bright and lively.
‘What time did you get in?’ Willie said, ‘We were just talking about you two.’
‘Around six I think, maybe seven,’ Jose said, ‘Is Craig back?’
Neil and Willie looked at each other.
‘He’s not back?’ Jose said, and started chuckling.
‘No, he’s not. What’s so funny?’ Willie said as Neil set up the coffee machine. He was still rubbing his head.
‘That chick he met, he must’ve gone back to hers.’
‘You mean that old dear with the crutch? I hope he has his phone,’ Willie said, remembering last night’s strange out-of-sync conversation.
‘I didn’t see her, he told me about her. But you know Craig, doing his bit for charity,’ Jose said and walked out through the dining room and into the gardens, disappearing to the west.
‘Don’t be such an arsehole, Jose,’ Willie said, but it wasn’t his comment on Craig doing a disabled woman that bothered him, but that Craig liked to drink as well as trip out, and the dick wasn’t familiar with Lowe. It was funny how someone so annoyingly polite in some ways could be so inconsiderate in others.
‘Lemme call him,’ Willie said, reaching into his pocket.
The screen flashed when he looked at it; one missed call and a voicemail. He clicked the play button. The metallic voice advised him; “Message. Received. August. Thirty first. At. Two. Forty two. A. M.”
This was followed by the familiar sound of Craig’s voice, breathless and excited with a background of a thumping bass, voices and the occasional car passing; “Raaass! It just gets better. I wish you would pick up. Jose said you wanted to chat so I came outside to call. Why don’t you ever pick up, man? You won’t believe this. I met this hot gyal. Oh my days, she’s a scream, I’m telling you! She’s here alone, fam. Can you believe that? Do you think Kate and Neil’d mind if I brought her over tomorrow? To the house, I mean. Adele would love Kate. So… Look, text me yeah. If it’s okay. Ask Kate and text me. Okay, cool bruv. I’ll see you on the flip, later.”
A muffled sound followed as Craig fumbled with his phone and then the metallic voice cut in again. He hung up.
It seemed odd that Craig would be so forward in regards to bringing someone back to the house but something else worried him more. It danced around before his mind and wouldn’t settle so he could work out what it was. But there it remained, bothersome, sullen and unresolved.
Kate power-walked back into the kitchen with an exhaust of white sheets fluttering behind her. She threw them on the counter where they landed with a whump.
‘Help me with these will you?’ she said, and slid a pair of scissors over to Willie.
He followed her lead in cutting and tearing them into strips whilst Neil moaned about the insanity of it all.
‘Baby, come on, you’re not serious are you?’
‘Darling, have you forgotten about last night?’
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ he asked
Kate rolled her eyes at him. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
Meanwhile Jose had returned and was munching on a huge green apple. ‘What happened last night?’ Jose asked. He wound some of the strips they’d prepared around his arms and was parading around like a mummy, making ghoulish noises, howling ‘Woo!’ in everyone’s faces.
‘For God’s sake!’ Neil said, slamming his espresso cup down before walking out to the reception. ‘I’m going to lie down.’
Kate hurried after him but returned shortly looking hurt.
‘Where d’you get that apple?’ Willie asked Jose noting he’d just come in from outside.
‘The shree…’ he said around a mouthful, pointing out to the garden.
‘What tree? They don’t have any apple trees. Just a flowering cherry.’
Jose laughed and flashed a wide smile as if he’d said the most ridiculous thing. He finished the thing and pitched the core out the open window where it landed with a splash, presumably in the pond.
Willie loved Jose’s irreverence and free sprit, but it was embarrassing seeing him act like that, as if the house were his own. Luckily Kate had been so focused on her sheet ripping she’d not noticed. He shook his head at Jose who just grinned again, raised his eyebrows and walked back out to the gardens.
A few minutes later and all the sheets had been reduced to long strips. Kate begun the task of hanging them immediately, starting with the window seat, then moving into the dining room, looping the strips over anything that could be used to hang them.