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A big surprise

logan_run

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2013
Messages
244
#1
1976. was a tense time in American history. The country that started with 13 colonies was celebrating it's bicentennial. It was also another presidential election. it was only two year's ago President Richard Nixon became the first leader of America to resign in disgrace over the Watergate hotel break in. Governor Reagan of California had much to overcome belonging to the same party as former president Nixon. Somehow the former movie actor defeated President Ford for the nomination then went on to defeat Jimmy carter for the general election. Now Reagan in a few months. would be America's 39th president .One day in December 4th 1976 president elect Ronald Reagan received a call from his one time rival. Gerald Ford come over to D.C. I have something to show you Ronnie. well. Reagan thought Ford wanted to discuss the incoming inauguration. Ronald Reagan a few days after the phone call met with Gerald Ford and a handful of secret service agents in a tunnel under the white house. Jerry. Reagan said with a smile I did not know you liked to collect old model kits.no. no. Ford replied replied,This is no toy model kit it:s a ufo. A u.f.o? yes mr. Reagan it crashed in the mid 1950"s.
 

logan_run

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2013
Messages
244
#2
It"s must of been piloted by midget:s its so small. perhaps so. Mr. Reagan they died soon after but ever since then we have been instigating u.f.o.
 

chrispenycate

resident pedantissimo
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7,066
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#3
No full stop (period). Or if you must have the separation, capital (upper case) Was.
was a tense time in American history. The country that
had (pluperfect)
started with 13 colonies was celebrating it's bicentennial. It was also another presidential election.
Capital 'It' and preferably pluperfect 'It had been'.
it was only two year's
years (plural, not possessive, no apostrophe)
ago President Richard Nixon became the first leader of America to resign in disgrace over the Watergate hotel break in. Governor Reagan of California had much to overcome
Comma
belonging to the same party as former president Nixon. Somehow the former movie actor defeated President Ford for the nomination then went on to defeat Jimmy
Capital 'Carter'
carter for the general election. Now Reagan
Comma
in a few months.
No full stop
would be America's 39th president. One day
possibly a comma, but I don't feel the 'one day' is justified if you give the date.
[/COLOR] in December 4th
Comma
1976 president elect Ronald Reagan received a call from his one time
Hyphen 'one-time', perhaps?
rival. Gerald Ford come over to D.C. I have something to show you Ronnie. well. Reagan thought Ford wanted to discuss the incoming inauguration. Ronald Reagan
Comma
a few days after the phone call
Comma
met with Gerald Ford and a handful of secret service agents in a tunnel under the white house. Jerry.
Quotation marks around the 'Jerry', with a comma rather than a period.
Reagan said with a smile
Comma, open quotes
I did not know you liked to collect old model kits.
Close quotes, capitals for No. No
no. no. Ford replied replied,This is no toy model kit it:s
it's Close quotes, then open again for other speaker Close and reopen quotes
Comma, probably capital for 'Mr.
mr. Reagan
Comma
it crashed in the mid 1950"s. It"s
It
must of been piloted by midgets its
apostrophe (contraction of 'it is', not possessive pronoun)
so small. perhaps so. Mr. Reagan they died soon after but ever since then we have been instigating u.f.o.
Um. It doesn't stop there. Research, investigations?

Unless you are deliberately trying to make the speakers seem practically illiterate (which was not true for Reagan - I never met Ford) there are too many punctuation errors. And the bit we are given is tell, and information we should already have (apart from moving the UFO to DC) So I have probably missed a couple of corrections.
 
Last edited:

Onyx

Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2018
Messages
769
#5
President Richard Nixon became the first leader of America to resign in disgrace over the Watergate hotel break in.
How many other leaders could possibly resign over Watergate? He's the only leader involved in Watergate.
 

Jay Greenstein

Active Member
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
31
Location
Elkins Park PA
#6
Impossible to critique because it's not a story. It's the author transcribing themself talking about the setting, with none of the elemets of writing fiction. There's dialog, here and there, but no conversation, and no quotation marks or paragraphing. And, as has alreasdy been shown, you've not edited it significantly for such basic things as beginning a sentence with a capital letter.

In short, you need to work on raising your writing skills, generally, so far as paragraphing, apostraphe usage, and such. And, given that writing fiction is very different from the kind of writing we all are taught in our school years, you need to add knowledge of such things as the elements of a scene and how to manage them.
 

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