Oddly worded?

[Mouse]

I have this para in my WiP which I stumble across every time, but when I read it a second time realise it does make sense. Obviously it needs to be worded better but at the moment I can't think how.

As the teens were making towards the lake, and seemed to know what they were doing, he presumed they had some sort of intel he wasn't privy to and so didn't question them when they crouched beside the reeds and looked towards the water.

Urgh. Help?

(Teenagers walking towards a lake looking like they know what they're doing so POV character doesn't question them).

 

[SilentRoamer]

I think it sounds odd because "As the teens were making the way to the lake..." makes us think they were doing something else. "As I was eating breakfast I had a thought" - the sentence doesn't feel like it closes the loop. I'm sorry I don't know all the technical jargon!

I would write it as:
"As the teens made their way towards the lake and seemed to know what they were doing, he didn't question them when they crouched beside the reeds and looked towards the water, he just presumed they had some sort of intel he wasn't privy to."

I hope this helps, even if just to make you think sideways.

 

[tinkerdan]

There are elements of passivity; however I also think there are overstatements occurring and this could be shortened.

The teens made towards the lake and, presuming they had intel he wasn't privy to, he didn't question them when they crouched beside the reeds facing the water.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Possibly try “since” instead of “as” at the start. It’s perfectly correct, but in this case it sets the sentence up to be telling something that happened as they were yadayada, and then it stumbles when you realize it doesn’t mean that.

Ha, SilentRoamer just beat me to it.

The other thing is you could say “and so he didn’t”, to clarify that it’s him and not them coming up.

 

[Mouse]

It's definitely the 'as' that's the problem. In this case it means 'because' rather than as they're doing something which is why it reads wrong.

Thank you, gang!

 

[Abernovo]

Maybe:

As the teens were making towards the lake, and seemed to know what they were doing, so didn't question them when they crouched beside the reeds and looked towards the water.

You could maybe tack on 'he presumed they had some sort of intel he wasn't privy to' as a second sentence, if you need to. Not sure if it's needed. depends upon the context.

If you want to keep, more or less to the original format, then perhaps:

As the teens were making towards the lake and seemed to know what they were doing, he presumed they had some sort of intel he wasn't privy to, and didn't question them when they crouched beside the reeds and looked towards the water.

Just a change in comma position and removal of 'so'.

p.s. reading L&Co. Will have something soon.

EDIT: perhaps too late, as others may have solved it.

 

[Mouse]

Cheers, m'dear.

 

[The Judge]

Yep, it’s the “As” that’s the problem, so I second the recommendation to use “Since” instead. But it’s a long sentence, and I’d also second the idea that you break it in two, starting the second sentence “So he didn’t question them...”.

And while I’m happy as anyone to put up with prepositions at the end of a sentence or clause, I can’t help thinking that “intel to which he wasn’t privy” sounds a bit more elegant . (Especially if he’s a character who knows and uses the word “privy” correctly in this context!)

 

[Mouse]

Yer tis then:

Since the teens were making towards the lake, and seemed to know what they were doing, he presumed they had some sort of intel to which he wasn't privy. So he didn't question them when they crouched beside the reeds and looked towards the water.

 

[Toby Frost]

I think that's much better.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Yep, Div, you nailed it in the end.

The struggle is real. I'm editing my WIP at the mo' and find similar trip-up sentences that make sense the second time round which is not ideal. A lot of rearranging. But also slicing and binning so my word count is going down nicely.

Okay, you can have your thread back now I've talked about me.

pH

 

[paranoid marvin]

Yer tis then:

Since the teens were making towards the lake, and seemed to know what they were doing, he presumed they had some sort of intel to which he wasn't privy. So he didn't question them when they crouched beside the reeds and looked towards the water.

I'd lose the comma after 'doing', but tbh the paragraph still doesn't sit right with me.

The teens were making straight for the lake; presumably they had some sort of intel to which he wasn't privy. Silently he observed them as they crouched amongst the reeds, gazing across the water.

 

[tinkerdan]

It definitely makes it clearer.