Book 2 teaser - 880 words

[Andrew Lambert]

I'm looking to add the following to the end of my first book 'Princess Grace of Earth' as a teaser to Book 2. Hoping to achieve impact.


Domi, skipped into the main library of the Palace of Ancestors, talking incessantly to her toy animal, Bagsy. The young princess appeared to have boundless energy, much like any four your old Vercetian. Lessons were over for the day; time to play magical games.

She went straight to her favourite book - Princess Domeriette’s Big Gift Book, hoping she would have a present or two inside. These books were birth presents that every Vercetian child would have, containing hollowed out areas in the pages where small presents could be left. Every time they opened the gift book there would be a new story programmed onto the sheets, so it was always magical. But occasionally, there were presents, that’s when it got exciting. Domi had had no gifts for ages - it had only been a week, but to her, it felt like forever.

She put the large book on her reading table and slowing opened the front cover - always wary that something may leap out at her. Hooray, presents!

‘We’ve got two presents Bagsy, but what are they and what do we do with them?’ The young princess gingerly removed the first one. It was a small silver tube with no way of getting into it. A little green light began dimly flashing, as soon as she touched it.

‘It’s a tiny treasure chest, Bagsy,’ she said, as she turned it over and over in her fingers. ‘Perhaps it will fit into your tummy.’ She undid the small zip on the side of Bagsy that allowed access into a secret compartment. The silver tube fitted perfectly. ‘We can leave it there until we find out who knows the secret of Bagsy’s treasure.’

The other object, she did know about, but it didn’t make much of a present. Not even her vivid imagination could make this seem exciting. It was an Envogram scanning key. Bakta had received an Envogram recently and had shown her how the key worked. The sequence of sounds emitted would magically open the Envogram, revealing an important electronic message. She pressed the simple button on the bland rectangular key and put it to her ear, hearing a faint series of sounds. Unimpressed, she put the key in her pocket and started reading the new story.

She was soon bored though and decided to go and see Bana Domeriette, her High Council counterpart. Grabbing Bagsy by his front legs, she let the toy black wolf-dog dangle about as she skipped towards the Pre-eminent Chamber, where she hoped to find her.

As she approached the security zone which surrounded the High Councillor’s meeting room, she prepared to play dodge with the guards. As usual, the guards made pretend lunges for her, with Domi squealing as she evaded them. But this time the alarm went off. Within moments, six guards were around her.

‘Princess.’ The captain of the guards stood in her way. ‘What had you that would set our alarms off?’

’Nothing Captain,’ replied Domi, ‘just me and Bagsy.’

Princess Domeriette, stood there with her best quizzical face on, hands out with palms facing up. ‘Wait.’ she reached into her pocket and pulled out the key. ‘Would it be this?’

‘Yes,’ said the Captain, ‘that would be it. Leave it here and pick it up on your way out, little lady.’

She left the key with them and carried on to the Pre-eminent Chamber. Around the circular graphite table, sat the High Council leaders - Tauriar, Ventar, and Domeriette - hands clasped and eyes closed. They are debating with their minds, thought Domi, and Bakta isn’t here, so I shouldn't be. She put Bagsy on the table and whispered, ‘He will help you,’ smiling to nobody in particular and left.

As she passed back through the guard checkpoint, the Captain tried to give her back the key, but she waved him away in a very official manner. He laughed. She danced over the connecting bridge leaving the South Tower behind, returning to the Library.

Thirty seconds later the link from the proximity sensor on the device within Bagsy, was broken as the princess moved further away. The minuscule particle of grey matter was no longer in suspension and a small, but deadly antimatter explosion ensued. The High Councillors, the graphite table, part of the west wall and most of the floor of the chamber ceased to exist. The resulting structural failure caused to top part of the South Tower to collapse, bringing down with it the guards anteroom and the bridge back to the main palace. The implosion wasn’t overly loud, but the sound of the South Tower crashing down was heard throughout the palace and beyond.

Back at the library, Princess Domeriette felt the whole building shake and looked out of the window and watched as the South Tower hit the courtyard below; a dense dust cloud was billowing up towards her. For the briefest moment, a cruel smiled crossed her face, as she watched the devastation happening before her.

Then, with some annoyance, she put her hands dramatically on her hips. ‘Oh dear,’ she said, ‘my poor Bagsy.’ She stomped to her toy box, rummaged about and choose a white wolf-dog, with dark flecks on its coat. Her childlike innocent smile had now returned. ‘You’ll do. I think I’m going to call you…Krankel.’

 

[Appello]

I'll caveat what I'm about to say by noting that I've not read any of your earlier stuff, so perhaps a knowledge of the first book is required to feel the full immediacy of this scene.

Having said that, I have a couple of issues with this piece:

-First of all, I'm confused about what's actually going on here. To begin with, it seems as if the child is unwrapping gifts, and puts one of them in her toy quite innocently. But then, at the end, we have this sudden shift in characterisation that seems to imply that her actions were quite deliberate, and we have the 'evil child psychopath' vibe. If this is indeed the case, then I think you need to be clearer about that from the beginning. There needs to be some kind of premonition of what is to come, or hint at the child's sinister character, rather than just dropping it on the reader at the very end, making them feel cheated of a consistent characterisation.

-This is all completely aside from the fact that I'm genuinely confused as to who is giving a four-year-old child an explosive device. Was it always the plan for her to blow everything up? How did she know to do this? Who instructed her? Is it common in your universe for four year olds to be able to plan and carry out terrorist activities on government institutions?

-Pacing. Up until the final paragraphs, you have to remember that to the reader, there is nothing unusual or suspicious going on in this scene. They cannot know in advance that there is going to be this twist/reveal at the end. To them, it is reading simply as 'spoilt child receives present, talks to bear, goes to visit government chambers, mucks around with guards, etc'. It brings to mind an excellent piece of writing advice I once received, namely that if your character is bored, then your reader probably is too. Obviously, there are circumstances where boredom can be necessary to the plot development, but I don't think the 'teaser for book 2' is the right place for that. Basically, what I'm saying is, either more needs to be happening in this piece, or the entire thing needs to be shortened. Or, the suspense needs to be increased massively, and not just in the last few paragraphs. Otherwise it's just empty words. Consider your own words - 'not even her vivid imagination could make this seem exciting' - why, I'm inclined to agree

But by far my biggest problem with this piece is voice.

Look, it's hard writing from a child's perspective. Painfully hard. There's a reason most authors avoid it like the plague, and that's because while it may seem like a good idea, in reality it's not much fun. Firstly, because most children's thought processes are restrictively simple - they're not stupid, far from it, but their thoughts tend to engage with the immediate rather than the periphery, they don't have complex character motivations or long attention spans and for the most part, their concerns are trivial unless you as the writer take the time and effort to develop them and place them in adverse environments. It's also, in general, incredibly hard for an adult to remember what it was like to be and think as a child - and not just the nostalgic, oh it was lovely I played with my toys and had fun - but actual, in-depth remembrance of your thoughts, feelings and emotions as a young child. Consequently, when we try to write from a child's perspective it usually ends up in a dog's breakfast of childlike thoughts mixed with very adult-centred emotions and dialogue, which pulls the reader right out of the sensory experience (keeping in mind, of course, that the reader probably doesn't remember much about being a four year old either).

For instance, here in this scene we have Domi "skipping in the main library" and "talking incessantly to her toy animal" (childlike behaviours), but then at the same time we have her informing the reader that the "sequence of sounds emitted would magically open the Envogram, revealing an important electronic message" and referring to "the security zone which surrounded the High Councillor’s meeting room" (massively unchildlike thoughts). Consequently the narrative voice becomes very confused - is this a closed, first person limited point of view in which we are immersed in the thoughts and feelings of the child (hooray, presents!), or is this an omniscient unlimited point of view with an overhead narrator telling the reader what's going on (implied by the info-dumping descriptions of Envograms and the Big Gift Book). Unfortunately, you can't really have both - you need to decide which angle you're going for and commit to it entirely. And if that means sacrificing the explanation of what Envograms and gift books are, then so be it (kill your darlings). Because realistically those explanations are not going to be in Domi's thoughts, are they?

None of this is to say that the piece is irredeemable. It's well-written, has some interesting ideas floating around it, and ends with a fair bit of intrigue that makes me curious to read on and find out what's going on. But it could be vastly improved in the following ways:

-tightening up the pace so that the interesting things happen much quicker (cut any and all references to 'boring', 'unexciting' anything)
-losing the info-dumpy descriptions of things which aren't important to the scene itself (time for all that later)
-immersing the narrative in the child's voice and committing yourself to it fully, even if that does sacrifice some clarity of description
-signposting the child's evil nature much earlier (ie. consistent characterisation) even if that means sacrificing the 'big reveal' at the end
-increasing the level of suspense (ie. having her nearly get caught or something) and/or the level of emotional engagement (ie. humanising one of the guards, for instance, so that the reader feels the emotional pull when the bomb goes off, as they are attached to someone that died rather than viewing it all rather objectively)

Just some of my last few cents of the year

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Hi Appello,

Thank you for your in-depth analysis of my piece.
I can see now that what I was trying to achieve with this chapter only works with it staying in the correct sequence in Book 2 - that is, the reader would already be aware of an external control exerted on the young princess. The slow innocent build-up may then work, "Aye, aye...something may happen here!" and my reader may not feel so cheated.
This control of people is touched on in Book 1, but perhaps not sufficiently for the reader to automatically pick up on it.
Regarding voice - I'll take your advice on board and try and sort it out. The Envogram was the device that allowed passage of the bomb past the guards, so I will need to keep that (or something similar) in, but in a less info dumping way.
I'm trying to add more backend information to my current Book 1 - details of Book 2 & 3, when they are out, and a sneak preview. I'll use another piece for this. I was toying with two of them - you've helped me chose.
At least I can take away your 'well-written' comment. You wouldn't have said that when I put my first piece up for Crit 15 months ago! Onwards and upwards.
Regards, Andrew

 

[tinkerdan]

If you mean to maintain the young adult feel of the previous novel the entrance of a 4 year old in this manner might seem out of place; however it worked for me though I felt it something you might think about.

Also I might ask if you have completed the second novel. The reason to ask is that if not then it might be too soon to try to add this in; although I do understand that if you are updating your present edition with corrections then it stands to reason that it sounds like a good thing to add. However if you are not finished then it's difficult to say what might change from now until it is finished.

I liked the first part and much of the way in, until you reached the secured area and then I had a number of problems.

Having read the first novel I have some ideas of what might be occurring and that does help some.
Even so: the introduction of the object or treasure and the Envogram scanning key simultaneous does lead to potential confusion as it could to my mind be misconstrued as the key having activated the treasure; however I think something more biologic accomplished that. Still it is possible to think the two are linked until the baffling moment when the princess lets the guard keep the Envogram and then it somehow losses any meaning despite the possibility that it might have activate the princess somehow.

Even having read the first book I had to read this through a second time when she left the key to help me understand that the triggering mechanism was more of an organic link to the princess than any connection to the treasure and Envogram. And then when reading back I caught on that possibly something in the key might have triggered something in the princess.

When she reached the Pre-eminent Chamber the guards are worried that she set off an alarm; however not so that she might disturb the high council leaders while they are at work with their minds linked. Even if this is allowed it might be informative to have the guard make some suggestion about disturbing them(unless its alright that she might)which I honestly can't remember from my read of the first novel.

Having her seemingly think They are debating with their minds, thought Domi, and Bakta isn’t here, so I shouldn't be. Does jar a bit. And going back up to my previous thought perhaps the guard could remind her of this. And then to be honest I can't quite recall the difference between Bana and Bakta so when she goes to see Bana and then thinks she shouldn't be there because Bakta isn't here, could be an odd puzzle.

You might be able to leave off
, a cruel smiled crossed her face,
I say this because--even though a four year old might be able to pull that off somehow--if the reader hasn't figured this all out by now it might not help much.

And the blase nature of the final paragraph is fully enough to spook the reader.

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Excellent comments, Tinkerdan, as usual. I'll take them on board and rewrite the piece.
I'm still only 20k into Book 2 but pretty well got it mapped out. The writing process doesn't come naturally to me and is a slow process. I've made the decision not to add a teaser just yet. Plenty of time later for that.
Thanks and Happy New Year.
Andy

 

[The Big Peat]

I found it tough going. Part of that might be avoided if I'd already read book 1 and was familiar with your style and work, which makes me hesitant to say too much.

Point in case - I was unsure whether this was in 3rd Omniscient or 3rd Close to begin with. I imagine if I'd read the book, I'd know.

Also, all the stuff about High Council - it just confused me, but I'm sure it wouldn't if I'd read the book. That said... if this is going to be the start of book 2, its a good idea to remind previous readers of a few things, because a lot of readers forget things between books.

In any case, Domi's arc didn't work for me. I didn't get a sense of it going anywhere until all of a sudden she blew stuff up. I didn't even get it being mind control until I read your second post - that might be being careless by the end though.

 

[Lafayette]

The idea of some evil person or entity using an innocent committing an evil act is interesting.

I think you could magnify the horror of this by establishing that the guards are good souls and have children of their own. There was not enough showing. There should have been more dialog between the little girl and guards showing that they were familiar and fond of each other. The line, "They are debating with their minds", thought Domi, and Bakta isn’t here, so I shouldn't be." sounds to adult. Also it should be explain why she shouldn't be there if Bakta isn't. Instead of saying " For the briefest moment, a cruel smiled crossed her face, as she watched the devastation happening before her." You should have silent voice say, "Good job, Domi. Now go play." Doing it this way your reader will know or remember she is being use. When your readers realize Domi has absolutely no control over her actions they will become horrified and hooked.

I have one more suggestion to make. If you want to portray a little innocent girl more accurately watch some old Shirley Temple movies.

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Hi Lafayette,
As you may have seen from the previous comments, I'm going to re-evaluate the piece and your suggestions will be taken onboard. I really like the "Good job, Domi. Now go play." that's very clever!
Good call regarding Shirley Temple, I'll enjoy watching her. I only found out this weekend that she had been considered for Wizard of Oz. Hard to see anyone but Judy G in that role.
Regards, Andy

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks for everyone's input. I thought I'd put up my revised piece as it is pretty quiet in Crits ATM, hopefully incorporating most of the advice given. I'm hoping the Voice is less confusing, and that some early notification of her being controlled, helps. I'll probably work a bit more on the dialogue with the guard, which may be a little long winded and clunky still.


Domi, skipped into the main library of the Palace of Ancestors, talking incessantly to her toy animal, Bagsy. The young princess appeared to have boundless energy, much like any four your old Vercetian. Lessons were over for the day; time to play magical games.

She went straight to her favourite book - Princess Domeriette’s Big Gift Book, hoping she would have a present inside. These books were birth presents that every Vercetian child would have, containing hollowed out areas in the pages where small presents could be left. Every time they opened the gift book there would be a new story programmed onto the sheets, so it was always magical. But occasionally, there was a present, that’s when it got exciting. Domi hadn’t had a gift for ages - it had only been a week, but to her, it felt like forever.

She put the large book on her reading table and slowing opened the front cover. Peeking in, she could see something in the hollowed out area.

‘We’ve got two presents Bagsy, but what are they and what do we do with them?’ The young princess gingerly removed the first one. It was a small silver tube with no way of getting into it. A little green light began dimly flashing, as soon as she touched it. The second was an Envogram key. She knew what this was. Bakta the Overseer had shown her one the other week. By pressing a button, the light would flash, and the Envogram would open revealing an important message. Unimpressed, she put them both down started reading the new story.

“Princess…”

Princess Domeriette, paused for a second, her gaze focusing some distance behind the pages of her book.

She then stood up. ‘It’s a tiny treasure chest, Bagsy,’ she said, as she turned it over and over in her fingers. ‘Perhaps it will fit into your tummy.’ She undid the small zip on the side of Bagsy that allowed access into a secret compartment. The silver tube fitted perfectly. ‘We can leave it there until we find out who knows the secret of Bagsy’s treasure.’ She slipped the key into her pocket and, grabbing her toy by his front legs, let the black wolf-dog dangle about as she skipped towards the Pre-eminent Chamber, hoping to see Bana Domeriette, her High Council counterpart.

As she approached the Chamber security zone surrounding the High Councillor’s meeting room, she prepared to play dodge with the guards. As usual, the guards made pretend lunges for her, with Domi squealing as she evaded them. The Captain of the guards, stopped the princess’s little game, feeling slightly guilty as he had been playing the same game with his young daughter, just that morning.

‘The High Council are in session, princess,’ he said. ‘Can you come back later?’

Her shoulders dropped. ‘Oh, okay then.’ She started turning away dejectedly but turned back imploring the captain. ‘Bagsy can help them. I’ll put him on one of the seats. I’ll be quiet.’

‘No,’ said the Captain.

Domi shrugged her shoulders again. 'Can I put it by the door then?'

'Ok, then. But don't open it,' said the Captain, smiling, 'and go through the scanner, as well.'

'Thank you,' smiled Domi.

But as she passed through the scanner the alarm went off. Within moments, six guards were around her.

‘Princess,' said the Captain of the guards now standing in her way, ‘what had you that would set our alarms off?’

’Nothing Captain,’ replied Domi, ‘just me and Bagsy.’

“The key…”

‘Wait.’ she reached into her pocket and pulled out the key. ‘Would it be this?’

‘Yes,’ said the Captain, ‘that would be it. Put it back in your pocket and be quick - don’t leave my sight.’

He watched the little princess tiptoe over to the door, place her wolf toy standing up by the door as if guarding the entrance. Not for the first time today, he marvelled at the mysteries of how a young mind worked.

She passed back through the guard checkpoint, smiling at them all before dancing over the connecting bridge, leaving the South Tower behind, and returning to the Library.

Thirty seconds later the link from the proximity sensor on the device within Bagsy, was broken as the princess moved further away. The minuscule particle of grey matter was no longer in suspension and a small, but deadly antimatter explosion ensued, consuming all physical substances within a five-meter radius of the device within the toy. The meeting room entrance door and wall, part the graphite table, two of the three High Councillors, some of the west outer wall and most of the chamber floor, ceased to exist. The resulting structural failure caused the top part of the South Tower to collapse, bringing down with it the guards anteroom and the bridge back to the main palace. The implosion wasn’t overly loud, but the sound of the South Tower crashing down was heard throughout the palace and beyond.

Back at the library, Princess Domeriette felt the whole building shake and looked out of the window watching expressionlessly as the South Tower hit the courtyard below; a dense dust cloud billowing up towards her.

“Well done, Domi. Now go play.”

Then, with some annoyance, she put her hands dramatically on her hips. ‘Oh dear,’ she said, ‘my poor Bagsy.’ She stomped to her toy box, rummaged about and choose a white wolf-dog, with dark flecks on its coat. ‘You’ll do. I think I’m going to call you…Krankel.’

 

[Brian G Turner]

I've no major problems with this, and it's a nice premise. I do have some niggles, though:

Domi,

You don't want a comma after the name.

By pressing a button, the light would flash, and the Envogram would open revealing an important message. Unimpressed, she put them both down started reading the new story.

You've mostly used neutral omniscient language, but by using the word "important" I feel you're bringing the narrator into the story - because it's clearly not important to her. It may seem important for grown-ups, but clearly she sees no importance in it.

As usual, the guards made pretend lunges for her, with Domi squealing as she evaded them.

I did like this bit - great touch.

feeling slightly guilty as he had been playing the same game with his young daughter,

Not for the first time today, he marvelled at the mysteries of how a young mind worked.

In these two separate sentences you move into the captain's POV. I personally found that jarred against the neutral omniscient you've mostly used so far.

Thirty seconds

This should be a dramatic paragraph, but it came across as somewhat convoluted and too distant - a technical description for a text book, rather than a dramatic moment in a novel. Watch the for comma after proper names again.

I'm also not sure if the last paragraph really adds much - the emphasis is put on the name "Krankel", but this is meaningless to me. If it's not from your previous book I'd drop the name so that the princess remains prominent.

2c.

 

[HareBrain]

You don't want a comma after the name.

I picked this up too. You also do it here:

Princess Domeriette, paused for a second

I see this quite a lot in crits, and I'm not sure where it comes from. You almost never find it in any (non-self-)published book, and where you do, I'm 99% sure it's an editorial slip-up. If you think of a comma as a second's pause, and read it aloud, it doesn't work.

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks, Brian and Harebrain.
I'll keep an eye on those pesky commas.
The head hopping is the sort of thing a seasoned pro like me shouldn't be doing...back to Wonderbook for a refresher, I think.
I'll try to liven up the explosion paragraph, and I agree, it does get a bit bogged down.
Regarding Krankel? He is very much a part of book 1. The cover reveal a few months ago, gives you a bit of a clue
Cover sneak preview

 

[tinkerdan]

I like the changed elements that help describe much of what is happening; however I would agree that the long descriptive paragraph of the explosion might be too much and perhaps contains elements that might apply in the future of the story, but could best be handled by a mention of--possibly the princess returning to a safe distance and the sound and thunder of the tower collapsing. I think the reader will easily add two and two to make four and fill in the rest of the story by the bit at the end.

 

[Lafayette]

This is an improvement, but you haven't gone far enough.

'talking incessantly to her toy animal, Bagsy.'

This would be a good place to add a chattering dialog in stead of telling us she is chattering. A chattering dialog from a four year old would impress the reader that Domi is a cute innocent and would add to the horror that comes later.

This sentence or a variation of it should come first before her conversation with the toy.

The young princess appeared to have boundless energy, much like any four your old Vercetian.

This item could be included in her chattering to her toy animal.

'Lessons were over for the day; time to play magical games.'