This feels info-dumpy, thoughts?

[VKALFIERI]

This is part of my story Wish it happens after I explain to the reader that the mentor character is about to recall a prophecy relating to the hidden location of the former elders of the genies:


Long ago, when there was harmony and the world was less grim, the elder genies and the fae shared their magic and the secrets of wish magic, then for reasons still unknown, though many believe a feud between two families caused the disruption, a war for land and the right to rule over the magical races erupted.


Sensing that the magic of the genies was in danger, the elders among both the genies and the fae hid themselves away, sealing themselves within golden lamps in the case of the genies, and within wisp wood in the case of the fae. Their magic and the best kept secrets of wish magic faded from the world and soon all that was left was a pale imitation of wish magic and magic in general.


It is said that only a fae of royal blood can find the elder fae and similarly so for the genies.


The elder fae had been awoken already, when the war for The Glittering Shore had erupted when Sab’s uncle had betrayed his family and killed her father in a bid to take the throne, the elder fae were unable to win against the onyx genies that Samill had employed against them and had been forced to retreat to the Fael, where they still reside today. This is the reason Samill is unable to penetrate beyond the borders of the forest. As they retreated the elder fae put a spell of protection around the forest.


As for the elder genies, it is said, in scholarly circles, that their hiding place is deep underground. An elvish seer, Foswick Dobbins, claims to have seen their resting place and is the originator of the Rhyme of the Elder Lamps.


It reads:


When through the darkened wood you pass, over mountains in shadow cast, there among the thorny vines, where searing waters and ice align, in a pit of boggy marsh,


Drowned forever in the hollow, breathe deep and dive, but do not swallow, for to find them if need arises, the finder must work hard for prizes, or forever they will wallow.


Royal blood and nothing more, will be needed at the door, king or queen or son or daughter, if they make it through the water, where the lamps await ashore.


“It ends there, but, the scholars seem to agree that Gripwood Pass, the Forborne Mountains and the Lava Lakes region are key areas in the Rhyme.”

 

[VinceK]

I think the prophecy is well written and sounds authentic. Backstory is necessary if the reader will be confused by not including it. If you can work it into a scene or dialogue then so much the better. One disadvantage of backstory via narration is that the reader becomes aware of the author and is pulled out of the story. Much better to include it as small snippets conveyed through the story. IMO

 

[tinkerdan]

Good stuff in adding relevant information; however perhaps another approach would help.

The way you have written this falls prey to what I personally call the tour-guide mode. In fact I think when I was doing my drafts once I stated somewhere in my narrative that this character had dropped into tour-guide mode. And you can actually let the character do that if it is part of their character; however it has to be open to a more personal involvement in process because the character is likely enthusiastic about imparting this knowledge.

What you have to understand about history and myth is that it has a certain fluid sense to it in that there are areas open to opinion and interpretation and your character generally has their opinion. So you don't need to be precise as long as the bulk of what is mentioned fits the story.

For instance where you say then for reasons still unknown...
you can drop into your character-narrator and bring in opinion.
Then for what most say are reasons unknown, I see it as a petty feud between families and greed over how magic might be controlled and portioned out, war erupted between the magical races.

This will give it a more personal touch and perhaps remove the stale stiff nature of paragraphs of historic fact. Wherever you've left room for waffling the history, there is an opening for this type of close involvement and your character-narrator should take advantage of every chance to keep the reader in the their story rather than the history. Their opinion is more important than the history and it doesn't hurt if the reader somehow gains insight into history while their weaving their narrative.

 

[Martin Robert]

This is one heck of a run on sentence. The "double when" at the start really threw me, then it just went on and on...

The elder fae had been awoken already, when the war for The Glittering Shore had erupted when Sab’s uncle had betrayed his family and killed her father in a bid to take the throne, the elder fae were unable to win against the onyx genies that Samill had employed against them and had been forced to retreat to the Fael, where they still reside today.

Your first sentence has the same problem, albeit not as dramatically.

I'm slightly intrigued, but the issue at hand and "danger" to the genie magic is too vague to get me hooked.

 

[VKALFIERI]

Thanks all for the feedback, this is 6 or 7 chapters into the story. A story still in first draft, and largely unedited. I wanted to know if this part felt too info-dumpy, and got some great responses. So thanks for those.

As to the run-on sentences mentioned by Martin:

Perhaps this is better:

Long ago, when there was harmony and the world was less grim, the elder genies and the fae shared their magic and the secrets of wish magic. Then for reasons still unknown, though many believe a feud between two families caused the disruption, a war for land and the right to rule over the magical races erupted.


The elder fae had been awoken already, when the war for The Glittering Shore had erupted. Sab’s uncle had betrayed his family and killed her father in a bid to take the throne. The elder fae were unable to win against the onyx genies that Samill had employed against them and had been forced to retreat to the Fael, where they still reside today.

Yes?

 

[Martin Robert]

That's a lot easier to read. Assuming "Fael" is a typo at the end.

 

[VKALFIERI]

That's a lot easier to read. Assuming "Fael" is a typo at the end.

Fael is the name of a forest in my story; so no, it isn't a typo.

Oh and this will likely change. I might cut this down to just the Rhyme of the Lamps recited by the mentor character to my main character and leave the majority of this for the journey to get the lamps.