Land of the lost

[logan_run]

Rick Marshal after going in to the time portal found himself spiraling round and round. Will and Holly now wee with the company of uncle jack .Rick marshal was now time traveling. he seen Holly travel in a skylon .he wrote holly don’t t so she would not step out of it .Rick remembered his daughter telling him the warning looked like it was in his writing. rick was bedazzled by lights and weird sounds. all types of sounds loud sounds like a police siren. A

doorbell ringing even a telephone ringing. now rick found himself in a dark room. He felt the presence of someone else.slowly the darkness ended and will marshal found himself in the presence of an alien he had never seen before .hello. Rick marshal the alien spoke in a soft tone of voice. How do you know me? Rick asked very puzzled. I crated what you call the land of the lost many many years ago.

Rick Marshall. You have been part of my science experiment. All the creatures in the land of the house are nothing but toys with you i know not of toys Mr. rick marshal. All of a sudden it turn dark. Now Rick find a himself in a night club .Humphrey bogart was his bartender .hi am rick are you rick too then the bartender disappeared .rick then found himself in a hospital the doctor took off his face mask it was tom baker the actor that played doctor who in that uk series .sir, we may have to operate your failure to not have a sense of humor is very terminal.else where

He was back in the dark room with the creator of land of the lost. You see many years ago my race died off I have no one now. That still does not give you the right to play god.all of a sudden he was with his family holly began to weep/. Uncle jack found himself in the raft. Also the other marshals were in the raft.

 

[tinkerdan]

?

You may want to work on this--a lot--if you seriously want feedback.
But that's just me.

 

[Ihe]

I second the above. You need to delve deep into grammar, basic sentence structure, and punctuation.

I will crit the first sentence alone, because it bugged me. Make it: "Rick Marshal found himself spiraling round and round after going through the time portal".

 

[Danny McG]

Just say Dr Who. You don't need to specify "that uk tv show"
Most people who would read a time travel story are fully aware of the Timelord and his many regenerations.

Is his name spelled Marshal or Marshall ? You've used both in your extract

 

[Stuart Suffel]

I think you may have inadvertently posted your notes?

 

[Martin Gill]

I'll leave it to the Mods to explain, but check the rules thread here. Specifically

"4) Before posting your excerpt, please make sure it is as free of spelling and grammatical error as you can possibly make it. While members are more than willing to correct these errors, an excerpt that is riddled with simple errors gives the impression that the poster couldn’t be bothered doing that basic checking themselves, and will turn some critiquers away."

Your post has numerous very basic errors. Just to begin...

"jack .Rick marshal was now time traveling. he seen Holly travel in a skylon .he"

Should be...

"Jack. Rick Marshal was now time traveling. He had seen Holly travel in a skylon. He"

That's 6 super basic grammatical errors in 16 words. And that's before any of us start commenting on style and where to put commas. I'd suggest you tidy up the basics, re-post and then we can have a proper look at this.

 

[Danny McG]

I don't think he's been back on since the day after he got all the feedback. Hope he didn't get frightened away.