Tattoo story

[Cory Swanson]

I'm a glut for punishment today. Anyone care to comment on this opening? Not finished with the story yet, but I don't think it will run past 5 or 6k. No particular home for it. I'm just writing about ideas that I think are cool.



“So tell me, why did you come in today?”

The paper on the exam table crunches beneath me when I shift my weight.

“So, this part of my smart tattoo by my wrist has a tendency to get really hot. It drains the battery and while it happens it feels like my arm is going to burn off.”

“Let’s have a look,” he says.

I hold out my arm to him and he twists and turns it.

“Is the battery down here?” he asks.

“No, down here by my elbow,” I respond.

He turns around and digs through a drawer and takes out an ammeter. With one prong in each hand, he checks various spots of the tattoo. While reading the output, he lets out a vague ‘tsk’ing sound. It’s the kind of sound that you never want to hear a doctor make and I begin to fill with dread.

Dr. Hamlin lets out a deep sigh. “When did you first get it done?” he asks.

“About eighteen years ago,” I respond.

“Modifications?”

“Of course.”

“How many?”

“Let’s see, at least every two years. The obsolescence is maddening.”

“I know. They have to make their money, don’t they?” Dr. Hamlin pauses for a moment with his hand on his chin, lost in thought. “Yeah, yeah…not good.”

“What is it?”

“Well, it seems your smart tattoo has developed a short.”

I am devastated. If I wasn’t already sitting down, I would have collapsed into the nearest chair. I run my hand through my hair and the Rogaine sticks to my hand in a greasy film.

“Jesus! You have to be joking.”

“Afraid not. You’re what, forty-two now?”

“Forty-four.”

“Yeah. When these things came out, they were kind of rushed to market. I take it you were an early adopter?”

“Yes,” I say, dropping my eyes to the ground in shame.

“Yeah, so, in the early days, they didn’t do much testing. It turns out, once your skin loses its elasticity, the circuits start to collapse on themselves. It’s only a matter of time before one crosses another and then it just snowballs from there.”

I look down at my left arm. The basic interface of the tattoo is still in the middle of my forearm just below the palm of my hand. The modifications snake out from it in several directions around my arm and wrist like the tentacles of an octopus.

“I need it to do my job, Dr. Hamlin. What can I do?”

“Well, as for this unit, it’s fried.”

I can feel myself swoon at this news. My smart tattoo has cost me considerable amounts of money over the years. I remember having to get a loan for the original work. It was necessary, though. I would have starved out on the streets without it.

“The good news, though, is that you have plenty of open skin left, and the technology has advanced considerably since you got this one done. Look.” Dr. Hamlin rolls up his left sleeve and calls up some images on his own interface. “Mine is powered biokinetically. No bulky battery packs.”

Dr. Hamlin is considerably younger than me, and his tattoo is definitely better than mine. I can’t help but ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ at it.

“Is that a multicolor display?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he responds. “Check it out, I can change the size.” He pinches and pulls at his skin and the image grows larger and smaller on his arm.

“Unbelievable. What did it cost?”

“Let’s just say that this tattoo and medical school are in something of the same universe.”

I drop my head. I have two teenage daughters who will be going to college soon. I want only the best for them, but I know I’ll never be able to afford a tattoo like that for them.

“Will I be able to use my same interface?”
“No, probably not. But why do you want to use that old thing anyway?”

“Well, I’m right handed. Putting it on my left arm has always made sense.”

“Yeah, this kind of thing can’t be undone. You’ll have to pick a new spot. And I should warn you. You’re no spring chicken. Your skin isn’t going to do you any favors with any future tattoos. Things are going to continue to deteriorate. You might find that problems like this get more and more common as you age.”

——————

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think you need to cut to the chase much earlier. Too little happens at the start and, with a short, you don't have time for that.

 

[SciFrac]

I like the concept, and it moves pretty well. My nitpicks are:

“When did you first get it done?” he asks.

You don't need the dialogue tag because of the action beat preceding this.

“About eighteen years ago,” I respond.

Again, no tag needed.

I begin to fill with dread.

Dread sounds a little strong, especially when we get to his reaction below.

“Jesus! You have to be joking.”

Add this to the para preceding it. Same character.

I can’t help but ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ at it.

Within a breath, you move from the patient receiving 'dreadful' medical news, to ogling new technology. This feels highly inappropriate considering your set up.

You could probably make that last para punch more, but in general I like the blend of tattoos and batteries (whatever they do, lol.)

 

[Stuart Suffel]

This really is still in the idea stage.

 

[Cory Swanson]

This really is still in the idea stage.

Explain. You don't like it because the story isn't finished?

 

[Stable]

I love it, some great ideas about technology here and nicely humanised. I get the impression that your protagonist has some super-cool cyberpunk job, but then that's offset by having two teenaged daughters, which no cyberpunk character would ever have.

Critical comments:
The first two lines are a little slow, but it at least gets into it straight after that.
I don't know what Rogaine is, or feel like I should care about it, so that's a little jarring.
"I am devastated." Is telling not showing, the line would be better without it.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The concept is nice, but the dialogue needs to be far more concise - we don't need a realistic exchange of all verbal communication, but simply a condensed form that gives enough to let us know what's happening without going on for too long.

Additionally, you're missing stakes. The smart tattoo has shorted. So? What does this mean, and what are the consequences? Why should this be devastating? The lack of answer forces an emotional distance from the piece, and means it's difficult to care about any consequences.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Explain. You don't like it because the story isn't finished?

I'm not gonna just say "what Brian just said". (Although...) But its not a matter of like or dislike. To evaluate a piece of creative prose there has to be some form of tension existent. Even if a very brief piece, this is possible. But what you have is an idea, an 'electronic ' tattoo. No sense yet of what's at stake, potential challenge, conflict, achievement, or trajectory. Nor a sense of a character which embodies the aforementioned. You've presented an interesting idea (which reminded me of that Bradbury novel...the one where people has an electronic disguise...can't think of the name). So until there's something to 'get a grip on', there's not a lot to critique.

 

[Cory Swanson]

This concerns me as I thought I had clearly presented a number of things that the story springs from. First, he needs the tattoo to be working for his job. Tattoos of this kind are really expensive. Med-school expensive. Being that he has kids about to enter college, he can't afford a new one. Also, due to the advent of middle-age, tattoos of this nature are going to be prone to malfunction. I think that gives me a lot to work with. He has motivation to go to extreme measures to get a new tattoo, plus there is the risk of malfunction.

I guess I'm concerned that this was not clear. My idea is that in the future, the extraordinary is ordinary. Thus the story being set up by a visit to the doctor. The contrast of the extraordinary and the mundane was interesting to me. Did I overplay it?

 

[tinkerdan]

I don't think you overplay it; you underplay it.
You should get to the point as some say.
Right at the top.
When the Doctor asks what he's in for he has to be upfront and on top of the problem
"Look Doc its my smart tattoo, it keeps acting up and I can't have that because its my job. My lifeblood at stake here. I've been right on top of it every two with the upgrades and mods because that's where the moneys at, however lately there's something that's not right. I get this hot spot that starts in one place and grows until it feels like my arm is burning off. Can't have that."

I know, I hacked that up a bit; but if you move some of that stuff up there it gets those stakes right in place and leaves lots of room to build from there and by the time you get him ogling other tats it will likely make more sense.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

I'd also state WHY his livelihood is at risk, and what that job actually is. I suspect that's in development? if not, and you know the plot, let it loose. Leave the kids in college bit til much later, if at all, unless it is a Interlinked with the central plot, in a CORE way. Keep it up, you'll get there.

 

[pambaddeley]

Additionally, the early line threw me - The paper on the exam table crunches beneath me when I shift my weight.

The kind of paper on doctor's examination tables doesn't crunch. It tears maybe, it's flimsy stuff at least in the UK. So I was picturing someone sitting on a table, on top of an examination (as in written exam) paper, maybe in a school.

 

[tinkerdan]

Maybe the crunchy paper is a US thing.
Definitely Definitely crunches.
If it tore; then that might always happen, and you'd be left siting on the surface that the last person sat on, which would just be horrifying.

 

[Cory Swanson]

Yeah. Our broken health care system must be good at one thing. Quality paper on the exam tables.

I was trying to set the scene without saying "Hi, I'm in a doctor's office."

 

[HareBrain]

I think I know the kind of paper you mean. "Crunch" is almost the right word, but it also implies compression, which the paper doesn't do. "Crackle" or "rustle" might be OK.

 

[pambaddeley]

OK, the paper here is blue and is like a rather poor quality/thin kitchen roll It could be said to rustle but nothing as definite as crunch or even crackle.

 

[tinkerdan]

That's like a quibble quibbling with a quibble just for fun.

I think I know the kind of paper you mean. "Crunch" is almost the right word, but it also implies compression, which the paper doesn't do. "Crackle" or "rustle" might be OK.

 

[Appello]

Also agree that the whole 'paper' 'exam table' thing threw me completely for a good minute, and took me right out of the story as I tried to figure out why the heck your protagonist would be *sitting* on his exam paper...

Just putting 'doctor's examination table' is probably worth it for the clarification vs not being too obvious, I think.

I also agree with Jo that there's far too much generic, bog-standard dialogue going on in the beginning, and that loses your reader's interest towards something that should be quite fascinating (love the idea of personalised tattoos as a function of society, am toying with this idea myself). It's far too conversational, like a verbatim convo that you might have with your doctor in a real-life setting, when it should be amped up and getting to the point/building tension much faster than a real life convo would. Work on paring it back to its most critical details, then moving on quickly to introduce further plot developments/action points/interests.

I also think you miss a trick by not giving your protagonist some kind of defining feature/characteristic other than 'middle aged, middle-class, depressed father working office job.' I dunno, it's just not the most fascinating place to start from, and, without veering into Gary Stu territory, you do want to make your character interesting enough to hold attention. Why do I, your time-poor reader, want to hear about this particular character as opposed to any other character in your fictional world or indeed another character in another series? What is it about this character's story that I should be interested in? Why do I care? Just some food for thought as you develop this.

 

[Reaper]

Totally thought he was sitting on his school desk for some odd reason too! would he need to sit on an exam table for the doc to look at his arm anyway? wouldn't he just be in the normal chairs? Maybe that's another uk/usa difference though.

Concept is good, but agree that stakes need to be higher. A teaser into his job might be nice? I get the feeling that cool cyber-punk job might not be what we think at all. His job could literally be a garbage man and his routes get sent through tattoo every day. Who knows. I'd like a hint of it though!

Would doc maybe try sales pitch his tattoo? It's obviously some sort of medical procedure, otherwise he wouldn't be at the doctor for it. Streamthe specs for it to him? Doctor would totally be allowed to talk mechanical specs the way a medical doc would too. MY doc will tell me some complicated diagnosis and then break it into laymans terms. /Or something like that. A short yes, look you can see where the resistance is less over this series of quantum dots, causing this discolouration across this section of skin.... (apologies for my 2mins research into nano-ink and short circuits, but you get the idea...)

A wee bitty more character voice would be lovely too.