Boneman
Well-Known Member
Congratulations on 6,000! Nitpicks only... I tripped up on the opening lines, I'm afraid:
"Better fetch your mop, brak-brak," Huginn caws, bobbing at the top of the banister. Muninn, always silent, lands on my shoulder, his claws digging through my dress into the flesh beneath. When I wince, he leans his glossy head against my cheek.
"What do I need the mop for?" I smooth the cover on Maman's bed and step back to check it's perfect; she has strong -- some might say obsessive -- feelings about wrinkles in the quilt.
The homophones of Huginn and Muninn, (which I hear as Hugh ginn [hard 'g'] and Mooninn) combined with four names introduced meant I had to go over it twice to see who was whom. Muninn and Maman are a bit close, I found. Read it aloud, I still trip up. And for reasons completely unknown to me, I tripped up on the use of Maman. I know French was the language of the courts way back when (adopted by Scottish Jacobeans first IIRC) but it jarred. I thought it might be another raven because it was capitalised, and couldn't think why a raven would be irritated by a rumpled quilt...
Looking again, and knowing it's an opening, I see there is a fair bit of telling... which does distract me a little from the immediacy of the scene. It's very matter-of-fact from our narrator, a run-of-the-mill event, that seems to happen fairly often. She's used to it, not surprised by anything, consequently the reader isn't either. Would it be better with some tension? Leaving out the telling would help IMHO.
"Better fetch your mop, brak-brak," Huginn caws, bobbing at the top of the banister. Muninn, always silent, lands on my shoulder, his claws digging through my dress into the flesh beneath. When I wince, he leans his glossy head against my cheek.
"What do I need the mop for?" I smooth the cover on Maman's bed and step back to check it's perfect; she has strong -- some might say obsessive -- feelings about wrinkles in the quilt.
The homophones of Huginn and Muninn, (which I hear as Hugh ginn [hard 'g'] and Mooninn) combined with four names introduced meant I had to go over it twice to see who was whom. Muninn and Maman are a bit close, I found. Read it aloud, I still trip up. And for reasons completely unknown to me, I tripped up on the use of Maman. I know French was the language of the courts way back when (adopted by Scottish Jacobeans first IIRC) but it jarred. I thought it might be another raven because it was capitalised, and couldn't think why a raven would be irritated by a rumpled quilt...
Looking again, and knowing it's an opening, I see there is a fair bit of telling... which does distract me a little from the immediacy of the scene. It's very matter-of-fact from our narrator, a run-of-the-mill event, that seems to happen fairly often. She's used to it, not surprised by anything, consequently the reader isn't either. Would it be better with some tension? Leaving out the telling would help IMHO.
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