Between a Rock...

[Vladd67]

Ok this is a rough opening to a story I have been thinking about, and have decided to bite the bullet and attempt to put my idea into words.

Between a Rock...

The crowd outside the house was what first drew his attention. Peter's daily ritual of a quiet late night stroll around the village before bed had been disturbed by this gathering, what was going on? It was only then he saw the Police car, not so much parked, as arrogantly abandoned across the driveway, its flashing blue lights demanding attention from the world. Even though it was a small village with little to entertain the masses, Peter knew something serious must have happened to keep so many people entranced here on this icy night.

A single uniformed constable was doing his best to disperse the crowd and to keep warm but seemed to be failing on both counts. The constable was trying but failing miserably with the “nothing to see,” and “move along home,” routine with the rubberneckers as Peter bitterly still thought of them, but the crowd were having none of it, and it seemed mindlessly pressed forward in the hope of spotting any gory details. A feeling of pity for the PC fluttered briefly through Peter's mind but didn't linger. Memories of so many, many, similar scenes filled his head as he approached, none of them, not that anyone ever bothered to ask, were ever pretty.
Word of the crime, as this could only be a crime, a mere accident would never attract such attention Peter thought, seemed to have spread across the village as more people arrived, every now and then a flash of light betrayed an attempt to photograph the scene, but Peter doubted anything juicy would be finding its way onto someone’s mobile phone. How many tweets would this scene create he wondered? How many facebook updates would there be? The ghoulish appetite for suffering enjoyed by the average person never failed to turn Peter's stomach.

Now the circus was really starting to arrive, first the scene of crime van arrived, forcing its way through the crowd which was now blocking the road. Was the entire village here tonight revelling in this neighbours suffering? Peter felt his stomach turn in disgust. Next to arrive was an unmarked car carrying the detectives, at least they were just policemen and not them, at least they weren't here, it couldn't be that bad then.

At the front door of the house the technicians could be seen struggling into their white scene of crime suits with the little booties and hoods that Peter had always hated, thinking that they looked like an oversized baby grow. Memories of the white cotton suit he wore at scenes like this being defiled with blood and gore hit Peter with practically a physical reaction, he could almost smell the blood, taste it in the air, but no tonight was not like that night, he never had to see sights like that ever again, not until he went to sleep and began to dream that is, then it all came back to him. An ambulance arrived next with little fanfare, the paramedics getting out of their vehicle with no sign of urgency, a palpable hush enveloped the watching throng as people realised what this meant. Somebody was not just having a bad night, no, somebody was dead.

With a mental shrug of his shoulders the Peter decided to head home, this was nothing he hadn't seen before, in fact it was probably nothing compared to what he had seen before. Just a sordid entertainment for the masses, something juicy to talk about tomorrow instead of the latest reality show on TV. Then Peter realised it was more than that, a chill passed through his body that had nothing to do with the temperature. That Range Rover parked across the road with the tinted glass, how many times had it brought him to scenes like this? Obviously they were here, already in the house, idly Peter wondered if it was anyone he knew, he felt no inclination to find out, he wasn't going to stop and say hello. If they were here then this was no mere murder, and he wasn't going to get involved, not again, not any more, Hunching up inside his coat as if trying to keep warm, whilst actually hiding his face he hurried home, walking as fast as he dare, fighting the urge to run, leaving the crime scene, leaving the death, leaving the blood, futilely trying to leave his past behind him.

 

[hopewrites]

The only trouble I had with it, is that while he very clearly hates the crowd of gawkers, the only way he could be giving us such details is if he's standing there gawking as well.
Hypocrisy is a nice character flaw, but it's hard for me to sympathize with a character whom I meet being hypocritical. Because clearly he doesn't feel he's a gawker, has no sense that by standing about witnessing the scene and dealing with his past he's adding to the crowd of people blocking the drive / road.

---
Very clearly voiced, or I wouldn't be able to quibble about the hypocrisy.

Intriguing opening, though Peter's pov feels it slows one getting to the heart of what's going on. Ether this crime scene is a big deal (which the omni narrator hints at, but Peter tries to deny) or it is just triggering his ptsd.

 

[Vladd67]

Thank you I hadn't thought of it that way. I pictured Peter walking past on the other side of the road and seeing all this but your view does fit in with the character. I suppose he would justify it to himself as professional interest rather than just morbid curiosity.

 

[hopewrites]

Ah. I'd throw in a line or two a about his pacing, does it stall or slow at any point. Does he have to make an about face when he notices the van?


The same thing happened to the director when he did Pride and Prejudice, with Colin Farrell, he imagined them doing the final proposal on the walk, rather than stopped in the middle of the road. (I rather prefer that they stopped because it's one of those things that stops ones life allowing it to gather new direction and momentum before continuing hand in hand with another. But that's nether here nor there for this piece, because it's something that Does make more sense if he's still moving.)

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think it would really help to read up on POV issues. What you have here is a character who is very distant to us, who doesn't really do anything other than look at something, and doesn't really seem impacted by any of it. You do give suggestions, and it does improve toward the end, but it still doesn't feel like you're engaging the reader as well as you could.

As ever, my recommendations are to read Wonderbook by Jeff Vandermeer, which is a concise but comprehensive guide to writing technicalities such as these, and also Save the Cat by Blake Snyder, which provides a good grounding on character development arcs.

 

[Hex]

I liked it a lot. It's an intriguing opening and I want to read on because you've asked a question (what exactly is it that the Range Rover signifies? I'm thinking some kind of X-Files/Grimm-like thing, but I might be wrong and I want to find out).

I liked the character, though for me he's a bit misanthropic and contemptuous of "average" people. I think the middle, when he's walking past, goes on for rather too long and it would be more effective if it was trimmed (but obviously that's for when you come back to edit, not for when you're first writing it so it's just a comment in passing).

Style-wise, there are a number of comma splices. I like them too, but even I started to notice them in this piece!

Paragraph taken at random (because it's short):

Now the circus was really starting to arrive, [that needs to be something more than a comma -- it could be a semi-colon, or a colon would work here as well] first[comma] the scene of crime van arrived, forcing its way through the crowd which was now blocking the road. Was the entire village here tonight revelling in this neighbour[']s suffering? Peter felt his stomach turn in disgust. Next to arrive was an unmarked car carrying the detectives,[something more than a comma needed here -- either a full stop or a semi] at least they were just policemen and not them, [probably something more than a comma here as well, although I'm not so sure about this one and it's maybe voicier with the comma and feels like building panic] at least they weren't here, [technically, here too you should have something more than a comma to join the two clauses, but also here I quite like it without] it couldn't be that bad then.

I got a little flustered by the "them" and "they" in that final sentence -- I understood it on the second pass because I'd read to the end, but when I first read it, it tied me in knots. Perhaps if you italicised "them"? ie: At least they were just policemen and not them

My main thought about the content was that he'd be gawking too, but you explained that above. Some more placing might clarify that -- e.g. "He elbowed his way to the front of the crowd" or "he forced his gaze to the silent houses on his side of the street, but despite his efforts it was dragged back to the noise and chatter" (or something). Also, doesn't he know who lives in this village? I assumed from the opening that he lived there and in my experience you tend to know your neighbours if you live somewhere so small, but he doesn't seem to know whose house it is, or anyone in the crowd itself. If he doesn't know anyone in the village that would fit with his character, but perhaps it's worth commenting on? Or maybe he does know them, but the trauma means he doesn't see them -- so when he looks at the crowd maybe he doesn't see individuals, but an amalgam of crowds from his past? All these things are possible depending on where you want to go with the character, but I think it helps to state them so that we understand this is an authorial choice, not an error.

It's a good start, though, and the story looks like it will be very good. I think you should keep writing it and come back when you've finished to worry about the tidying up then.



Comma splices are where you join two independent clauses with a comma. An independent clause is something that could be a sentence on its own. One trick is to join them with a semi-colon instead, and another is to use a conjunction (and/but/so etc.). Here's Grammar Girl: Comma Splice

 

[Vladd67]

Thanks for that. This is just a rough draft, I just want to get the story down and then tidy it up. It's funny I always thought the idea of a writer having their characters talking to them a little out there, but I have been thinking about this for ages and suddenly I find scenes and snatches of dialogue popping into my head at the oddest moments. So I decided maybe it was actually time to do something with it. As for Peter Rock being a misanthrope and contemptuous of the average person, well as an ex civil servant I can tell you that regular contact with the public can change how you look at people. So some of that I felt, would come through his view of the world.

 

[tinkerdan]

I like this with the air of mystery and some suspense. I did find that there was something that dragged it down a bit.
I'm not sure of POV - seems like someone mentioned Omniscient. I see third to Peter and if it has elements of Omniscient at all then it would be Omniscient third which means that you could utilize it better by getting closer to Peter.

As you say; this is a rough draft so when you clean it up I'd suggest looking at filter words and passivity because I think they are the biggest offenders.
Also the first paragraph focuses on the crowd then the next on the scene then the next on the crowd and I think that's slowing things by looking like one step forward two steps back and what I would do is put one and three together and try to cut the excess unnecessary words and perhaps get closer to Peter.

For instance; using as many of your words as necessary; if this were my work ( not meant to say this is a good way to do things.) I would do this with those two paragraphs.
::

The crowd, situated in the center of Peter's quiet late night ritual stroll, drew his attention. What was going on? A Police car, arrogantly abandoned across the driveway of the home, flashed blue lights that demanded attention. As a rule he avoided crowds and in this little village they were rare, not much public entertain for the masses; however when something did happen it drew people even on an icy night. Something serious must have happened. Not an accident; maybe a crime; word spread fast. More people arrived right at his heels. There were flashes of light betraying attempts to photograph, though Peter doubted anything juicy would find its way onto someone's mobil phone. Maybe tweets; how many he wondered. Or facebook updates; a goulish appetite for suffering enjoyed by the average person. It turned his stomach. He tried to skirt the mob as they pressed in, but it was too late to avoid the scene.
::

Anyway you might like all the extra adjectives and adverbs and the had been and only then and Peter knew and Peter thought. I'm just not sure that it loses much or anything by removing them and they seem to be part of what's slowing the narrative.

I think somewhere in the middle, keeping your voice, there is a sweet spot that will help clarify the POV and give the narrative a better flow.

 

[cyprus7]

I appreciate that it's a rough draft. On a first read, it strikes me as a vignette looking for an entry point into the story proper.
What if Peter nips round the back with the dog for a bit of breaking and entering? (Just joking.)

Also, I am curious about experiencing the same situation from other characters' PoV? For example, that policeman observing gawking locals and the too cool Peter...

btw - what genre is this story likely to be in?

Keep writing!

 

[Vladd67]

The genre is urban fantasy.